by Stewart, Ann
In a moment of rage and partial insanity, I raise my hand. “I’ll do it; might as well have the single girl volunteer.” His eyes shoot up, meeting mine as his mouth freezes open. I’m sure he didn’t want me to see his reaction, the break in his hard façade. We can continue this game all you want, Mr. James. We’ll see who ends up on top. Alex nods his head and jots down notes before he moves onto the next topic. I know he’s fuming inside, but he doesn’t have a right. He gave up that right four days ago. Let’s see how he likes it.
“Finally, I need to get a general headcount of whose attending and how many people you plan to bring.”
The room erupts, everyone talking over each other. Alex rushes to get everyone’s comments, taking notes as they speak. Being the final one to answer, Alex’s attention is completely focused on me. Is that what it takes? Signing up for a kissing booth; now I have his attention? “Besides me, I’ve invited my sister, her boyfriend, and now that I think of it…I think I’ll invite my good friend, Cole.”
Smiling sweetly at Alex, I reach for my phone to send Cole a quick text invitation. I’m not sure if this is the best plan, but I know Cole will jump at the chance to see me and I wouldn’t mind catching up with him either. Oh, and I know it will piss off the ever enraging, Mr. James.
Breaking eye contact, Alex runs his hand along the back of his neck; his muscles tensing in his forearms. That didn’t really work in my favor as Autumn eyes him, thoroughly. “Well, I’m glad that everyone is as eager as I am to make this year’s event a success. I’ll have Janice send out an e-mail with all of the updated information. Make sure you’re on time for your designated booths. Thanks again everyone.”
Waiting for the crowd to disperse, Janice and I stay back. I regret that decision the moment Autumn comes rushing over. Giggling like a teenager who just got high in the bathroom, I suppress my overwhelming desire to back hand her.
“I’m going to have to change my panties because that man makes me wet just looking at him.” Whore! “Did you see? He didn’t pull away when I touched his arm, and yes ladies, he’s just as hard as he looks.” The way the word “hard” slips from her mouth is downright disgusting. I want to wring her neck and then tell her that she’s a shameless whore. And then when I’m done with her, I’d like nothing more than to tell her what I do know about Mr. Alexander Flipping James; about his toned physique and naked body. But of course, all I do is let my anger build.
Rancor courses through my veins, making it hard to listen to Autumn’s play-by-play. My feeling of possession over him is ridiculous. He ignored you. For four days, Ely! How can you even feel remotely possessive over someone who’s probably forgotten your name by now! I have no right, but the vision of Autumn anywhere near him makes me absurdly crazy. Panic sets in and I’ve reached my threshold of Autumn’s delusions. One more word about Alex’s anything and I think I’m going to lose it. My breathing is ragged, palms sweaty. It’s a possibility that I might be having a panic attack. I need to get out of here. “Excuse me…I’m not feeling well.” Rushing towards the exit, I notice Alex glance in my direction as I leave the room.
Luckily, the bathroom is empty. Quickly, I find a vacated stall and close the door. Placing both my hands on the door, I let out a suppressed sob. Tears streaming down my face, I can no longer cry in silence. Soft cries continue to echo throughout the bathroom, giving no relief to my aching heart. Only the sound of the restroom door opening causes me to silence my cries as I pull my hand up to cover my mouth. Pull it together, Ely!
“Elyssa, are you ok?” His sweet, empathetic voice echoes throughout the bathroom. Alex is on the other side of the stall, his shoes peeking from underneath the door. I can’t do this right now.
“Go away, Alex. Someone’s going to see you,” I beg. “I know how badly your precious anonymity means to you.” I wouldn’t want my sorrow to be the reason he gets caught.
“Right now, I don’t care if anyone sees me. I need to make sure you’re okay.”
“No…but I will be.” I sink to the floor and hug my knees. “I can’t be around you right now.”
“Elyssa...I…,” his voice strains, hinting at his own discomfort.
I can feel the dampness building, threatening to fall from my eyes again. “Alex, if you ever cared for me…even in the slightest way, please leave me alone right now.”
Only the thin plastic wall separates the two of us. I hear a slight thump and can only picture him resting his forehead against the door. He whispers, “I do care I just…”
“Alex, go away!” I sob into my hands, unable to control the tension building in my chest. A few seconds pass until I hear the sound of the bathroom door opening and closing, calming my nerves. It takes me a few minutes, but I’m able to pull myself up from the floor. Who would have known that when all of this started, I would be sitting in a bathroom stall, breaking down over a man? You are better than this, Ely! The bathroom door opens and panic sets in. Is it too much to ask for him to leave me be?
Autumn’s voice echoes, “Elyssa, your 3:00 p.m. is waiting in the lobby.” Crap, I forgot about my meeting!
I still myself wanting Autumn to hear nothing but a confident voice in response. “Great, can you lead them to Conference Room A and let them know I’ll be there in 10 minutes?”
“Alright,” she closes the bathroom door as I exit the stall and walk over to the mirror. My face is blotchy and my eyes are glistening with moisture. Grasping the counter, I take a deep breath and close my eyes as I try and push my emotions to the back of my mind. Glad I brought my purse to the meeting, I take out my compact and carefully try to mask my broken heart.
~~~~~
I thought the bathroom would have been Alex’s last fleeting effort at communication. But, I was mistaken. The entire drive home, my phone has been ringing nonstop. Why does he keep toying with my emotions? It’s like a game to him. Like a yo-yo on a string, he keeps me wound up and just lets me fall whenever he pleases. Well, not anymore! He made it perfectly clear that he wants nothing to do with me and although I deserve an explanation, I don’t think my heart can bear hearing his voice right now.
I arrive home in record time. My first thought is to rush into my apartment, put on my pajamas, and a watch sappy romance. This, of course, will put me into full depression mode for the entire weekend and at this point I don’t care. Maybe that is what I need. With my life in shambles, at least I can live vicariously through the characters of the story. Oh what I wouldn’t give for my life to be a romance novel right about now. If my life had been romantic love story, Alex would have fallen madly in love with me the moment our eyes met at that gas station. We would have dated, gotten married, and had two kids. No, instead my life is a complicated, unruly, mess.
I fidget with my keys, daydreaming of how life could be as I walk sullenly towards my apartment. Why the fuck can’t he leave me alone?! My heart sinks deeper with each step. Approaching my front door, with those damn tears threatening again, I take a deep breath and walk past him. I don’t acknowledge him, for fear I may relapse and sob for everyone to hear.
“Elyssa, stop! We need to talk.” His concerned look confuses and pisses me off at the same time. Why now? Why does he feel the need to worry about me? He didn’t care then, so he shouldn’t care now! Anger radiates inside, leaving the pain I felt before nothing in comparison to the rage coursing through me. I turn to glare at him.
“Talk? Are you fucking kidding me? I’ve been trying to talk to you for four days! Any one of those days would have been the time to talk. You chose to blow me off, ignore me, and treat me like another notch on your belt. Oh, and then to push the knife in a little deeper, you decide to flirt shamelessly with that bitch in front of me!” Alex flinches as my words cut through. Good! He hasn’t seen this side of me; I’ve kept her at bay for far too long. “So, Mr. James, your time to talk is over and now you can go fuck yourself.”
Suddenly Alex reaches over and pulls me into his arms. Rage still coursing through my veins, I
struggle to free myself from his hold. “Elyssa, I’ve…”
“No, fuck you! Let me go!” I shout. Pushing against his chest, Alex’s grip is too tight, refusing to release me. “I fucking hate you. I can’t believe I ever even thought for a second…” Suddenly Alex’s mouth is covering mine, his lips moving eagerly over my mouth, his tongue searching for a sign that I’ve given in. A momentary lapse of judgment causes my lips to move against his, but only for a moment. The pain of his rejection comes rushing back to me as I bite down on his lip, struggling to push him back.
“Fuck! What did you do that for?” Alex holds his hand over his mouth and then removes his palm to check for blood. No such luck.
“Stay away from me, Alex.” I hold out my palm to keep him at distance.
“What do you want to do, Elyssa? You want to hit me? Fucking hit me! Get it over with so I can finally talk to you.” Alex screams, bringing all of my anger and frustration from the week to the forefront of my mind. I lunge, my hands clench into fists as they pound against his chest, tears streaming down my face.
“I hate you!” I can no longer hide my emotions. The pain of his rejection dripping with each tear that falls from my swollen eyes. “I fucking hate that you did this to me. I was fine before you. Now…” My knees buckle, but Alex doesn’t let go. My fists turn soft, now cradling my face as Alex holds me tight against his chest.
Reaching down, he replaces my hands with his as he grips my face, forcing the kiss I’ve so desperately wanted. I fight the urge, but my will has been broken, my body relinquishes the pain. My hands reach up and fist into his hair holding his face tight to mine; never wanting to let go. After several minutes of our deep, passionate kiss, he pulls away slowly, looking into my eyes before resting his forehead against my own.
“Now that I have your attention,” he whispers, concentrating on slowing his erratic breathing. “What I wanted to say is that I’m sorry…I’m sorry about so much more than the past four days. I know how it must appear…”
“Alex don’t…it’s too late.”
“You have to know; I’ve been doing nothing but think of you.” I close my eyes, soaking in his explanation, resting my cheek on his shoulder. Totally ignoring me, he better tell me more than just sorry. I’ve been miserable, thinking the worst, not knowing what I could have done. No, he owes me more than that.
“You hurt me,” my voice breaks as I bare my soul. He has to know how much he hurt me; even if it means breaking my heart again. Tears start to gather in my eyes as I continue. “You’ve been so distant…I thought I did something wrong.”
Alex reaches up, pressing his thumb against my inflamed cheek, to catch a falling tear. “I know and I’m sorry. I can’t tell you how sorry I am. I needed time to figure all of this out. I don’t know what I’m doing. When you told me that I was only the second guy….I just….I don’t know what I’m feeling or how to control this…or what I’m supposed to do.” Alex is scared? “I almost lost it at work. Around you…I just don’t know how I’m supposed to act. Everyone’s going to see it. They’re gonna know how I feel about you and that scares the shit out of me.”
“You’re afraid of the same lame co-workers who already spread gossip about you?”
“For fuck’s sake, it’s you. You scare me.”
I’m confused. “I scare you?” I know it’s only been a few weeks, but I thought everything was ok, until it wasn’t. And now he’s telling me that I scare him? What kind of crap is this?
“All of this scares me. I don’t know how to be with you and what if I fuck up? What if I hurt you? What if you hurt me? That is where I’ve been, thinking about you and what all of this means. To you. To me. To us.”
Just then, my neighbor walks by, eyeing us in our awkward embrace. I can tell by the sudden jolting movement that he’s uncomfortable and it must be about that damn precious anonymity he so cherishes.
“Can I come in?” Reluctantly I nod and we both rise to enter my apartment.
“Why were you flirting with Autumn in front of me?” Trying to avoid eye contact, I peel off my jacket, placing my purse and keys on the table near the front door. He moves to the couch, laying his jacket across the arm of the chair.
“I would never,” disgust piercing through each word. “What are you even talking about?” He looks puzzled, which gives me a glimmer of hope. Maybe I was imagining her boisterous laughter. Nope. Nice try, Alex.
Walking into the kitchen, I grab a napkin to clean my face and can’t help my boldness. “Are you really that dense? You sat next to her, whispering in her ear. You let her practically fondle you right in front of me, at work of all places.”
Alex’s laugh echoes in my apartment, which pisses me off even more. Returning to the living room with a look of utter resentment, his laughter is suddenly halted. I don’t trust myself with him, not right now, not after everything that’s happened, and that is happening. Distance is good. Leaning against the kitchen wall, I play with my lifeline attached to my middle finger, unable to look in his eyes. My body will most definitely deceive me.
“Hart, you thought I was flirting with her? That would never happen. She asked me about an account, so I told her about a meeting I had yesterday. She found it oddly amusing and was flirting with herself because it sure as hell wasn’t with me.”
“You could have sat next to me, but you chose her. You had a choice, Alex.” I cross my arms, comforting and protecting myself at the same time.
“It’s you…I would…no, I will always pick you. I sat next to her because I couldn’t be that close to you and not touch you. After four days of not being with you, it would have been torture.”
Pushing himself off the couch, he is suddenly right in front of me, hands traveling urgently up the outside of my arms taking me into a rushed embrace. Alex trails my neck with soft kisses, all the way up to just below my ear. Reaching the right spot to make me quiver needlessly, he begins to suck. “Besides, I got to look at the most beautiful woman during the entire meeting, even if she infuriated me the whole time.”
Alex stops his attack, forcing my eyes to meet his. Changing directions, but still attacking my neck, he questions me about volunteering. “Why did you sign up for the kissing booth? Did you mean what you said?”
Eyes closed, I can barely think when his hands and mouth are all over me. “About?”
“Being single?” Alex stops his tantalizingly touch which spread from my neck, down to my breast, stopping at the inside of my thighs.
Crap! I’m so confused. I catch myself from saying yes, because I really do hope it’s not the case. I tilt my head back to avoid his glare. “Not that I owe you an explanation, but you haven’t talked to me all week and before that we never really established what this is.” Trying to show the space between us is kind of difficult when his lips are sucking and caressing every bare inch of my skin.
“The thought of you with someone else kills me, even in a paid kissing booth. When you announced at the meeting today that you were single…it took all my will power not to tell everyone that you’re mine. You don’t even know how dangerously close I got.”
“Is this how you treat women that belong to you? If that’s the case…” His lips once again find my mouth; sucking on my bottom lip, nibbling slightly. I know what he’s trying to do…and damn it, its working. Did I even have a chance?
“I know I fucked up. I’m sure I tortured myself enough for the both of us. I’ve imagined so many scenarios in my head; all the different men trying to take my place while I was off trying to get my head back on straight. I already knew I didn’t want to share you, but I’m just worried that my condition about keeping our relationship hidden, is asking too much of you; that it…that I might not be enough.”
“Shouldn’t you let me make that decision?” This is what I’ve wanted from the moment I first saw him. So, why does this feel so scary? “What exactly are you saying, Alex?”
With a smile that reaches into my soul, he stills his movement, an
d tilts his head back to look into my hopeful eyes. Hands no longer traveling my body, instead clasped together on my lower back, he answers me with unnamed emotion. “Well, I’m hoping you’ll be my girl.”
“Your girl?” I repeat his word over and over in my head. Peering into his excited eyes, it finally sinks in. He wants to be with me.
Alex places his right hand over my heart. “My Hart,” he whispers as he rests his forehead against mine. I nod. Apparently that was the signal he was waiting for. Without restrain he takes my willing mouth into his, hands’ traveling up my body as he slowly teases my breasts.
“Ahhh…Alex.” I can’t help the moans of sexual tension building inside me. After the roller coaster of emotions, we both need this release. He doesn’t stop me when I reach up to unbutton his shirt, sighing with relief instead. Alex is mine and I am his. Revealing his defined abs, I run my hand down his smooth chest until I’ve reach his navel. My hands work their magic, unbuckling his belt in record time as I open his fly; his erection fills my hand.
“Elyssa, I want you,” he groans, heat pouring over my lips. That guttural sound makes my knees weak and I continue to stroke him.
“Yes...” With that, Alex lifts me taking me to the couch. Just like our first time, I straddle him as he sits comfortably beneath me. My brain barely processes that we’re on the couch again, and not in my room. But, not wanting to end this sudden surge of gratification, I don’t say anything.
“Lift your arms,” he demands. Helping me out of my shirt, Alex reaches around unhooking my bra. “You’re perfect.” He nuzzles my breasts slowly taking my right nipple into his mouth torturing…licking…sucking. I fist my hands into his hair and start to grind against him. “I want to be inside you,” he demands.
“Please, Alex…” He reaches down and unbuttons my pants, ripping them off with little help. Reaching in past my panties, he gently massages my clit, kissing me with more urgency. “Alex...” I moan as I grip his shoulders and continue to grind against him. The need I have for him is unrelenting.
