by Stewart, Ann
As I sit in my car, inhaling deeply, I try and steady myself before walking into the firing squad. How do you prepare for this type of standoff? All I can hope is that Alex can see past the anger and realize the depths of my love for him. I can’t have him walk away from me, not now. Not with our beginning only starting a few short hours ago. I haven’t had enough time with him yet. Then again, anything short of forever wouldn’t do. I exhale, the shakiness of my hands steady for a brief moment as I grip the door handle. It’s now or never.
Exiting the car, I take a few steps forward and stop. Alex is sitting on the hood of his car; his arms folded across his chest as he stares out at the setting sun. Splashes of purple and gold blanket the afternoon sky; it’s beautiful. He’s beautiful. With his eyes set in a petrified glare, his anger radiates, even through his side profile.
The scene is set in front of me, the majestic wonderment of nature as the backdrop, my indifferent heart front and center. This is my purgatory. So much beauty, yet completely out of my reach; even in this moment I can feel him pulling away from me.
“Alex?” I call out, testing the waters. He was furious earlier and I can’t be sure of his reaction. And, to tell the truth, I’m scared.
Unmoved he responds, “You obviously didn’t get the picture, so let me make it clear for you. I don’t want to talk to you, nor do I want to see you.” With my arms clinging to my chest, I feel a sharp stab as his words cut through me. Keep going, Ely. You need to do this!
“Alex it’s not what you think,” my voice is shaky. Stay strong. You have to do this!
“It’s not what I think, huh? I’m pretty sure I’m clear on things, or should we go over it?” I don’t move, instead I stare at the back of his head, willing him to turn around and look at me. “The girl I thought I had a relationship with, lied to me. According to her, her ex meant nothing, but in reality she’s still fucking him. No, I’m pretty sure it is what I think,” his voice monotone, he remains completely still.
“I need you to understand,” my voice trembles, making me stop. My strength is fading, making it hard to breath. There’s so much say, so much he needs to know; things that even Cole doesn’t know about. I know this isn’t the time or place to peer into my past, but he has to understand, he has to know it’s not just about him.
Quick to respond, he still doesn’t look at me. The bold sky has captured his full attention and I don’t know how to show him the truth without ripping myself open and spilling myself out in front of him. “Understand what? That you made me fall for you and then you used me. Used me in your sick and twisted game to what…make him jealous? If all you were after was a good fuck, you should have just said so. I would have given it to you without any questions asked.” The vulgarity of his words cut me deep, and like a double edged sword, his remarks continue to swipe through me. “You used your alleged innocence to lure me in, but I guess the only way to hook the devil is to use an angel as bait.”
“NO!” I finally find my voice. My screams echo through the darkness creeping in from all directions. “Alex, I never pretended anything with you. I’ve told you time and time again, there is nothing going on with me and Cole. I don’t know how to make you believe me.”
“Make me understand then, Elyssa! Why in the fuck did he show up at your apartment? And then at the fundraiser? Make me understand why he basically said he’s been fucking you this entire time?” he chokes, slight emotion finally showing through his stoned demeanor. He’s been so apathetic this entire time; I thought I was too late.
“Alex, Cole is…you don’t understand him. But, he doesn’t matter. What matters is that I haven’t been with anyone but you.”
“You keep saying that I don’t understand. Make me understand. I can’t fathom any reason why, or how you could be with someone like him.” Finally turning his head, we make eye contact. Frustration etched into his chiseled, turbulent face, he’s clearly on edge. With each silent minute that passes, his anger continues to build. I need to say something. “None of this makes any fucking sense to me. I don’t know what to believe. I left you for four goddamn days to sort my shit out and you go and fuck him the moment that I’m gone!” he yells.
I hate that he’s being so unreasonable. I never imagined keeping my best friend in my life would cause this much anguish. This isn’t how it’s supposed to be. “I don’t know why Cole’s acting this way. I’ve never seen him like this before, but then again…I haven’t had a boyfriend since him. He probably would’ve reacted the same way if someone else came along. But that’s the thing, there hasn’t been anyone until YOU. Can’t you see? It’s only you. It’s only been you!” I’m on the verge of breaking down, pleading with him.
“Why do you continue to defend him? Keep him in your life?” he pauses. “No, you know what, forget it. I don’t want to know. Just tell me one thing, why did you protect him? Why, Elyssa? Do you know how close I came…” his voice trails off.
“Close to what?” I breathe. Something, maybe the rigidness in his body, tells me that I don’t want to know the answer.
“To hurting you,” Alex mumbles. That would have ended us, the moment his fist made contact, Alex would never have been able to forgive himself. The abuse his mother endured against the fists of his father was too much for a child to bear. Alex could not live with himself knowing he caused me harm; regardless of his intentions.
“I jumped on him to protect you, not him. You were so angry and I knew you weren’t going to stop.” A knot builds in my throat, sending a chill down my spine. I know exactly what would have happened if I hadn’t jumped in front of Alex’s fists. I knew I was taking my chances, but it had to be done. I had to stop him before he did something he would regret.
“But…I could have hurt you. That would have destroyed us.” Alex’s warning is a wakeup call. If there is even a glimpse of hope for us now, I need to take the chance and just tell him the truth.
“I know, but I couldn’t have you ruin your future because of me.” He needs to trust me as I trusted him not to hurt me. I have to make him understand why I am the way I am. And, I have to do it now, before I lose all hope and courage. The painful memories of my past are something I never wanted to relive. But, I’m willing to reopen the wound and let Alex see the ugliness inside, maybe then he can see past Cole’s veil of lies.
“You asked me why I defend him, why I keep him in my life, but yet you’ve never pushed for the full reason I broke up with him. You always took me at my word and I’m thankful for that. And right now, I know I don’t deserve the chance to explain, but I need you to trust me. And if that means exposing myself, I’ll do it. I’ll do it because I can’t lose you. I need you to understand.”
He looks at me and cocks his head to the side, bemused. “You’ve only said you didn’t feel for him, the way he felt for you.”
“That’s true, but, I didn’t just feel that overnight. There was something that happened, something that made me realize I didn’t have the same feelings.” Staring at me wide eyed his hand circles, egging for me to continue.
Taking a deep breath, I play with the ring on my middle finger in hopes to calm my nerves. I could really use your help right now, mom. “I’ve told you that Cole was my first…you know.” I stop as Alex closes his eyes, trying to block out the mental picture of Cole and I intimately involved. My heart sinks and I’m not sure if I should continue or just walk away.
“Go on!” he demands, eyes tightly shut.
“Even after losing my virginity, something didn’t feel right. I still wasn’t satisfied. Cole had big plans. He was talking about one day getting married and maybe having children.”
Alex interrupts me. “Move it along, Elyssa. You didn’t feel the same; blah, blah, blah! I already know this part. I don’t need you to paint me a fucking picture!”
“Can you stop being a jerk and let me finish!” I pause, taking a deep breath to regain my composure. I know I don’t deserve his sympathy, but he doesn’t have the right to prosecu
te me, before I plead my case. His body softens at my outburst. “I always felt damaged, knowing my heart didn’t work the way it should. And, knowing how he felt about me, I knew I should’ve had more feelings, but it just wasn’t the same. That’s when my world fell apart.”
Because I don’t continue, Alex peaks back at me. I’m sure what he sees is not a pretty sight. I’m on the verge of collapsing when his voice brings me back to the surface. “I don’t understand.”
Here goes nothing. My words choke in my throat as I continue my explanation, hoping I don’t have to spell it out for him. “I missed my period.”
“You got pregnant?” he pried, astonished.
I nod, not being able to admit the words that have haunted me for so long. My cheeks dampen, no longer able to contain my emotions. “Yes, and to this day I’ve never told Cole. Ultimately, that’s what he wanted and I just couldn’t give it to him. I researched all my options, but I couldn’t make a decision. I knew I had to talk to him. The day I decided to tell him, he called me to come get him at the bar. I was tired of picking up the pieces every time he went on a bender, which was happening more often. When I took him to his apartment, we argued…” Tears streaming down my face, I take a moment before ripping off the stitches, exposing my past. “I know he didn’t mean to. He didn’t know I was pregnant.”
Staring at me with his full attention, Alex is on his feet. “He didn’t mean to what?”
“I was yelling at him. I called him a drunk, and a loser, and I broke up with him. He reacted…he slapped me so hard.” I press my hand against my cheek at the memory of that night, chills running down my spine. “When I came after him, my fists felt like twigs tapping against a stone wall. I’m sure he meant to just push me away, but…I fell on top of his coffee table. I didn’t know it then, but I’m sure that was the moment I lost the baby.”
“He abused you…”
I ignore his comment and continue spilling out my deepest, darkest secret. “When I found out I was pregnant, I wished and prayed that it would just simply go away. So in reality, I got what I wished for, just through an unconventional method. The pain of that night was my sacrifice.”
“He fucking abused you…”
I can’t think about his words. If I don’t continue I’ll never get it all out. “The only person that knows is Rachel and she doesn’t even know what Cole did, she thinks I just fell. We never discuss it.” I choke out my confession, unable to hide my insecurities. I wish I could see the look on Alex’s face, to see his reaction, but I can’t even will myself to raise my head. To look into his destroyed face would kill me, dead on my feet.
“I know I’m a horrible person…I wished for it and when it happened I wasn’t sad; I was relieved.”
Starting to approach me, he thinks twice, and growls at me instead. “Why in the hell didn’t you press charges? Better question, why in the fuck is he still in your life, Elyssa?”
“Shortly after that happened, Cole got help. Part of his program was to make amends to those he hurt. I was able to forgive him. Since then, he’s been sober and we’ve been friends. Well, until recently.”
Clearly irritated, Alex is unable to hide his disgust for my decisions. “I never imagined you would be that weak.”
“Weak?” What the fuck is that supposed to mean?
“Yes, weak. How could you let him get away with that?”
“It is not weak to forgive; to see the good in people.”
“Are you fucking serious?” A gruff, in the form of a mocking laugh, escapes his mouth. “That mother fucker hits you, pushes you, causes you to lose a baby, and you still continue to defend him.” Shit…when he puts it like that…but wait, he wasn’t there. He doesn’t know.
“Alex, the only reason I’m telling you this is because I want you to trust me and if that means reliving painful memories, memories I chose to leave in the past, then so be it. But, I’m not going to stand here and have you judge me and my life’s decisions. Especially, coming from someone who has more hatred in him than anyone I’ve ever met. You’re going to tell me that you’ve never lost control?”
Returning to the front of his car, he shakes his head. Kneeling, he takes his face into his hands, resting his elbows on his knees. “I need you to go, Elyssa.”
“Alex, please…” I beg as I approach. Not knowing how he’s going to react, I reach out slowly, placing my hand on the back of his head.
He flinches, recoiling at my touch. “Don’t! Don’t-touch-me,” he barks through gritted teeth. “I need you to go. My head is fucked up right now, and I just…I can’t. Not right now.”
“Just talk to me,” I plead, suffocating on each word as my knees grow weaker. “Don’t do this...”
“Elyssa, I can’t! I can’t do this!” His words echo throughout the darkness surrounding us, and for the first time since I met him…I feel alone.
My legs go limp as I collapse to the dirt below; gravel cutting into my bare legs as I sob into my hands. He’s leaving me…and I deserve it. Karma really is a bitch and she’s in rare form. This is payback for all my disastrous choices.
I can’t move a muscle. Even as I hear the crunch of the gravel as he approaches, I’m completely still. All I want is for him to take me in his arms, to tell me that we’re okay. But, instead I get his wrath. “Elyssa, get up!” I try to move, but my body doesn’t respond. Alex removes the tension out of his voice, trying again, “Elyssa, please get up.”
His words echo, but I remain frozen. My mind is flooded with happier times. Just this morning I was with the gentlest, most caring man; the man that I’ve fallen for. Just this morning we were blissfully happy, waking up together and making love. And now…now I’m nothing to him. He doesn’t want me anymore. I feel empty, alone, and completely broken.
“Elyssa!” Alex yells, breaking me from my frozen reverie. Dropping to kneel before me, he keeps his distance, but I can feel his radiating anger attacking my helpless sorrow. “I need you to go home. Can you drive?”
I should say no. If only he would give me more time, I know I can make him see things for what they are. I need to reason with him. I need to make him understand. “Alex, please don’t do this…I’m so sorry. I never meant to hurt you.” I reach out to grab a hold of him, but he quickly gets off the ground, just out of my reach. My hand falls back, scraping against the rocks below me, defeated. With nothing more to fight with, I stand and almost fall over out of exhaustion, catching myself on his car door. Looking up into his grieving blue eyes, I almost lose it.
I reach out for him. “Elyssa, don’t! I’m confused and I need time…time away from you to figure this out. Even being here with you right now…you don’t think this is hard for me? My heart is telling me to take you into my arms, to hold onto you, to tell you everything will be okay. But my mind, my mind knows that I’ll never forget what I felt today. So which one do I listen to? My heart or my mind. Cause right about now, I’m going fucking insane. Do you understand what could have happened?”
I shake my head. The longer I keep him talking, the more time I have to reason with him.
“I could have killed him. I wasn’t going to stop. I wanted him gone, out of the way.” He glances down at his busted knuckles and I have to fight the urge to lean down and kiss them; to kiss away all the pain, to make him forget. “Then you jumped in the way and something stopped me. I didn’t…no, I couldn’t hurt you.”
“I knew how angry you were and I didn’t know if, or how you were going to stop. I couldn’t let it get that far. You don’t deserve any of this. It’s my fault, Alex; I know it’s my fault.”
“Yes, it is.” Alex doesn’t hesitate to place blame and I know I deserve it.
“I know. And, I know that I’ve given you every reason to doubt me, but you have to know everything Cole said wasn’t true. I need you to believe me, Alex,” I beg.
“Elyssa, you need to go,” his voice is eerily calm.
Frantic, I remain frozen, still trying to reason with him. �
�What about us? What about you’re Hart?” He needs to know that I’m still me, that nothing I am, has changed.
He gasps and just when I think I’ve broken through, I’m instantly let down. He shakes his head, “I don’t know. Can you just give me some time? I think I deserve that much.”
“You do.” My throat aches as I choke out the words.
The fight has left me and I’m exhausted as I make my way back to the car. I turn, hoping he’ll stop me, but he does nothing. He continues to stand with his back facing me, staring out at the endless darkness in front of him. “I’m so sorry, Alex.”
The sound of my engine startles me. I sit waiting, but he doesn’t even glance in my direction. The first man I have ever loved is in front of me and I can’t do anything because he no longer feels the same. I reverse the car and make my way back down towards the glowing city as flashes of light spark across the night sky. A storm has been building all day and it just came crashing down.
Sunday, October 7, 2012
Startled awake by the chime of my phone, my eyes feel heavy and swollen. God, please let it be Alex!
*Did you get home ok?*
My heart thaws slightly. He’s worried about me and maybe that means he still cares; maybe there is hope.
**I’m home. Are you ok?**
No response. My heart chills again as I slump against my pillows, pulling my blanket over my head. Darkness is my only friend as I close my eyes hoping to wake again with some news, any news, from my heart.
~~~~~
Jumping from my zombie-like state, I rush to grab my phone, only to see Rachel’s smiling face on my screen. I’m not really in the mood to talk to my bubbly sister, but after hitting ignore, I decide to answer. Maybe she’ll give me some comfort and tell me everything will be okay; even if it won’t. Besides, if I don’t answer she’ll just continue to call.
“Hey Rach,” I say groggily.
“El? Is everything ok? You sound like you just woke you up. It’s five…P M.”
