by Stewart, Ann
“Just having one of those days,” I can barely contain my sadness.
“What’s going on? Is Alex giving you problems?” she hints, sarcastically.
I break. Sobs escape my mouth and I realize in this moment, I need my sister. “I think I messed up, Rach.” Hugging my pillow, I hold my phone tight against my cheek.
“Messed up what?” concern etched in her voice.
“Where do I begin? Cole has been acting really odd lately; pretty much since I started seeing Alex. He showed up at my apartment on Friday night, while Alex was here. He was drunk and yelling all sorts of craziness outside my front door. I ended up slapping him and telling him I never wanted to see him again.”
“You slapped Cole? What did the asshole say?” I love my riled up sister, but I’m not about to tell her what vile things he was saying.
“It doesn’t matter. It’s over, or at least I thought it was. Saturday he showed up at my work’s fundraiser and…”
“And?” Even when she’s concerned, she’s still persistent.
“He told Alex that he was still….ya know…with me. So they got into a fight and well….”
“El?”
“Well, I don’t think Alex believes me when I told him nothing is going on with Cole. So, I thought the only way to make him trust me was to explain everything. Everything, Rach! I told him about why I broke up with Cole. You know I already feel like a horrible person as it is and bringing it up only brought back the pain.”
“Elyssa Jane Hart…you are not a horrible person. I don’t know how many times I have to tell you this. What happened, happened. You can’t change it, nor would you want to and that doesn’t make you a bad person; it makes you human. It wasn’t meant to be. Cole is a dick and if I ever mention his name again, just punch me,” all her words come at a rush. I know she’s right, but it doesn’t make me feel any less miserable.
“I’m sure Alex will come around. From the sound of it, you gave him a lot to think about, so just give him space.”
“But what if after I give him space, he decides it’s just not worth it? That I’m not worth it?” I don’t think I could endure it.
“Then…that’s his loss, because you are so worth it!”
“I think I love him, Rach.”
“Oh,” Rachel goes silent for a moment, “I didn’t realize it was that serious,” she pauses. “Well, that changes things. If you love him, you may have to fight for him. Make him see that he’s just scared.” She’s right. Alex is scared, he even told me he was.
“Thanks, Rach. I can always count on you to show me the silver lining.”
“That’s what I’m here for. Well, hopefully you two make up so I can finally meet him. If things work out, you guys should come over next weekend?” My sister has always been the optimistic one; must be nice.
“If he decides not to loathe me for the rest of my life, I’ll ask him.”
“Call me if you need anything, okay?”
“I love you, Rach!”
“Love you more!”
Hanging up with my sister, her words still ringing in my ear, I make my decision. I want him; more than anything else in my life. I am willing to fight for him, to make him see.
Monday, October 8, 2012
As I arrive at work, my stomach is in my throat. Not feeling up to anything, I’m surprised I even got dressed. If it wasn’t for the fact that I have several meetings today, trust me, I would have shown up in my t-shirt and sweats. Not feeling it on the inside, at least I tried on the outside. Deciding on a matching cream blazer, black lacy camisole and cream pants, I really wish I would have forgone my new black peep toe pumps. Even though they make me feel tall and sexy, my feet feel like they’re about to fall off.
After placing my things in my desk, I start to go over my schedule and notice a meeting request from Arianna, first thing this morning. Something doesn’t seem right. Paranoia sets in. Why am I the only one on the e-mail? Did she see something? No one was around when Alex and Cole got into the fight. At least, I hope they weren’t. But then again, I guess I wasn’t paying too much attention when I was trying to save all three of us.
Buttoning the top button on my blazer, I head towards Arianna. My pumps clatter on the marble floor as I reach the foyer of her office. Not wasting any time, her secretary sees my approach and motions for me to go in. With a pleasant smile, I approach her desk with caution. I have no idea what I’m walking in to, and that scares me a little.
“Please sit, Elyssa.” While taking a seat, she cleans up various papers scattered all over her massive desk.
“You wanted to see me? Is everything okay?”
“There are a couple of things I wanted to go over with you.” She looks at me and I nod for her to continue. “First, I wanted to talk to you about the fundraiser.”
Unable to calm my nerves, I ramble, “It was a success, I think. I met a lot of nice, loving people, and all of the booths seemed to work out. I hope the company raised a lot for the Alzheimer’s foundation.” I hope that didn’t seem as forced as it sounded.
“Yes, by all standards it was a success, we did raise a lot of money. But, what wasn’t a success is the drama that you brought to it,” disappointment laced in every word uttered.
Crap! “I’m confused, Arianna. What drama?”
“Your drunken ex-boyfriend for starters.” Whew. She’s talking about Cole. Hopefully she’s just musing over her conversation with him after I left to go to my booth. “You do know there’s a policy against fraternization with co-workers, right?” Or, maybe not.
“Cole isn’t an employee,” I mumble, trying really hard to look pensive. Maybe if I play stupid she’ll forget her point all together.
“I’m not referring to him, Elyssa.” Raising her voice she stares at me; waiting for me to break. “Why did Mr. James get into a fight with Cole?” Crap! Crap! SHIT! I never thought anyone would find out. I have to save Alex’s reputation. I can’t let her know the truth, but what do I say? What can I say? Maybe I’ll stick with the truth; the truth with a bunch of lies, is still the truth, right?
Tears well up in my eyes. If I play it up enough, maybe she’ll believe me. “Cole got out of hand and was getting rough with me. Mr. James must have seen it and…well, he saved me from getting hurt. If it wasn’t for him…” A single tear trickles down my face as I utter the words. Shaking my head, I continue. “It doesn’t matter anymore. Cole wasn’t in his right mind, and I’m very thankful Mr. James was there to help.” I hope I didn’t lay it on too thick. It was the truth…well, most of it.
“I’m sorry, Elyssa. I didn’t know the situation. Mr. James called and reported an altercation, but I haven’t had a chance to probe him further. He left soon after and I haven’t seen him this morning.”
“Then, how did you know I was involved?”
“He said he got into a fight with Cole. I just assumed you were involved,” she shrugs.
“Oh, I see.” I struggle with the ring on my finger, nervously turning it around and around. I really hope I didn’t put my foot in my mouth by telling her too much.
After a moment of silence, she continues to clean up the papers on her desk, ignoring the fact that I’m still sitting in front of her. It takes a minute, but she finally re-acknowledges me. Her whole demeanor changes; threatening to giddiness in two seconds flat before addressing me again. “Well on to happier topics, there is something I’m delighted to tell you about. I spoke with Maggie on Friday, and confirmed with her this morning, she’s chosen you to go to a conference in San Diego.”
“Me? Th-thank you, so much, Arianna!”
“Don’t thank me. Thank Maggie; she chose you, I only had to approve it.” It’s extremely gratifying to have a mentor who’s had confidence in you from day one. I know I won’t let Maggie down, and make a mental note to thank her later.
“The conference is tomorrow and it lasts until Thursday. It’s on sales performance and management. Loads of fun, I’m sure. But, you’ll learn a l
ot. Take good notes and be ready to present them to the team when you get back.”
“Thank you, again, for such a great opportunity.” Probably dull, but I am excited to get away for a few days. And how lucky am I; San Diego is beautiful. Too bad I couldn’t bring Alex with me. I sigh.
“I wasn’t sure I was going to approve of you going, not until I had a chance to talk to you about the fundraiser. But, now that I have your side of the story, I’m sure nothing like that will ever happen again, right?” She looks at me like a mother hen; an overbearing, authoritative mother hen.
“No, of course not! I was completely embarrassed it even happened in the first place. I’m just thankful Mr. James was in the right place at the right time.”
Looking back down at the mess that is her desk, she continues, “I’ll have Maggie book your flight for tomorrow.”
“Umm Arianna…would it be okay if I drove? You know, with my parents….well, I haven’t been able to fly since.”
“Oh, of course! Not a problem. She’ll book your hotel. Just make sure you leave early enough to get there for the morning brunch, which I believe is at ten. I’ll have Maggie e-mail you a copy of the itinerary.”
“Thank you, again. You won’t regret it.”
“I hope not.” I get up as Arianna looks at her watch, signaling my time with her is over. I walk toward her door when I’m stopped in my tracks, “Oh, and Elyssa,” I turn. “Remember what I said about fraternization.” I smile sweetly at her, hoping she can’t see the deception in my eyes.
Having a minute before my first meeting, I decide to go and thank Maggie. She could have sent any one of the other executives, but she picked me. I’m so thankful, and I can’t get the huge grin off my face. The extra hours and hard work are finally paying off.
As I approach her office, I notice her door is closed, and think twice about interrupting her when I hear shouting from behind the door. Recognizing Alex right away, I halt my initial intention of interrupting. I’ve never heard Maggie raise her voice, not even once, especially not to her superior.
Suddenly, the door swings open and a blast of citrus, musk and Alex, overwhelms me. Bolting out of the door, he doesn’t see me as he turns towards Maggie. “Why did you have to send one of the new people with me, Magg’s? Why couldn’t I have one of the seasoned guys?” From where I’m standing, I can clearly see how irritated he is as he continues his rant, glaring at Maggie. “Now I’m going to have to babysit the entire time I’m there!”
Why does it feel like I’ve been slapped in the face? Oh, right it’s because I have.
Like a mummy, I move from behind the door showing my presence not only to him but to Maggie as well. Blindsided, I avoid eye contact, but greet him out of respect. “Mr. James,” I nod and maneuver past him into Maggie’s office. I turn to close the door, hoping he’s already retreated, but I’m met with his wide crystal blue eyes. Before I succumb to my weakness, I look down and close the door on Alex’s shocked face.
“Elyssa! I am so glad you’re here. How was your weekend?” she exhales, exasperated. After listening to Alex pout, she’s probably glad that he’s out of her office.
“Good, yours?” I’m in utter shock at Alex’s reaction and am unable to reveal any more than mild subtleties. Get a grip, Ely. You are stronger than this!
“Too short! Come in, have a seat.” Maggie motions me towards her plush green office chair. “Did Mrs. Salerno have a chance to talk to you about San Diego?”
“Yes, that’s why I’m here. I wanted to thank you for giving me this chance. I’m gonna guess that I’m the inexperienced one Mr. James was referring to, and from the looks of it he doesn’t seem too happy about this arrangement.” I pause as I choke back the sobs that are anxiously waiting to escape my lips. “I hope he’s not upset with you.”
“Don’t you worry about him, Elyssa. It’s not up to him. I know I chose the right person. Besides, he’s just in a bad mood because he got into a fight at the fundraiser.”
Feigning concern, “Is he okay?” Alright, maybe not feigning; desperation is more like it.
“Yah, apparently some drunken asshole thought it was okay to start something and he didn’t. His knuckles are pretty beat up, but of course, he doesn’t let that stop him. Big bad Alexander James,” she chuckles. “He’s normally such a pussy cat; don’t let his bad mood ruin your big chance! I foresee big things for you, Elyssa! We have a few big brokers going and I expect that you’ll network and make sure they continue to push our products. I wouldn’t be sending you if I didn’t think you could pull it off.”
“I won’t let you down. I let Mrs. Salerno know that I’ll be driving, but no worries I’ll leave early enough.”
“If Mrs. Salerno’s okay with it then so am I. I’ll e-mail you the hotel information in a little while. I know this is short notice, so after your meetings today, why don’t you leave so you can pack and get ready for tomorrow.”
“I will, and again, thank you for the opportunity, Maggie!”
Even though my meeting went well, and she has a way of cheering me up, despair overwhelms me the moment I step out of her office. Alex’s words continue to echo in my head. He doesn’t want me to go. He still doesn’t understand. I clutch at my heart, feeling like it’s going to explode out of my chest. If only the fundraiser never happened, this would be our first trip together. I need to make things right.
Walking back towards my desk, I devise a plan. Still having about an hour to spare before my meeting I decide it’s now or never. He says he doesn’t understand, so I’ll have to make him understand. Make him see, so he can forgive me.
My Heart:
I know you need time, time to figure out what all of this means, and space away from me to clear your head. So, instead of calling you every second of every hour of every day, I’ve decided to put my thoughts on paper. I hope you’ll hear me out, because I am sorry. And, because you need to know that I’ve fallen for you.
First of all, I don’t blame you for feeling the way you feel right now. Hearing your conversation with Maggie killed me, but I understand. I know the arrangements for San Diego aren’t ideal, and if this wasn’t such an amazing opportunity for me, I would bow out. I don’t want to hurt you any more than I already have. But, at the same time, I can’t help but feel we’ve been cheated. If we were the same two people who ate pancakes together just days ago, we would be going to San Diego not only as a business team, but as a couple. Instead, we are barely going as a team.
Cole’s actions and words have hurt you, which caused you to doubt everything I’ve ever said or felt about you. I need you to know that my heart is not with him…it’s with you. It’s been you since the moment you kissed me; possibly even before that. All I’ve ever wanted is you.
In my eyes, Cole is nothing but a friend; a troubled friend, but still a friend. If you haven’t been able to tell, I’m not good with letting people into my life, and even worse at letting them go. I’ve gotten good at avoiding the situation entirely, which is why I haven’t had a relationship since him. I guess I thought if I avoided getting attached to someone, I would never have to feel the way I felt when my parents were taken away from me. But, the other night, I felt it. I felt my heart being ripped from my chest when you asked for time away. I’m not trying to make you feel bad, because I understand your decision. I’m just trying to be honest.
I guess what I’m asking of you is to please see past the drama, remember how happy we were, even if it was for just a brief moment. I’m hoping there’s still a chance you’ll let me be your girl.
Your Hart,
Elyssa
I re-read the letter and then carefully fold and place it in an empty envelope. Please tell me there’s still a chance, Alex; that you haven’t given up on me. Knowing I can’t leave my letter on his desk, I realize I’ll have to drop it by his house tonight. How I wish that a simple peanut butter and banana sandwich could make this situation disappear and make him forget his heartache.
~~~
~~
His driveway is painfully long. The garden lights highlight the exterior as I park under one of his gigantic palm trees. My stomach is in knots as my nerves get the best of me. Staring at the passanger seat, at the care package I made for him, I start to panic. At the time, a simple wicker basket, a loaf of bread, a jar of peanut butter, and a couple of bananas seemed like the perfect vessel for my apology letter. But, what if he doesn’t like it? This was something his grandmother did for him. What if he thinks I’m being too pushy? Or worse, not giving him the time he needs?
It’s now or never. Letting out a deep breath, I take a moment before exiting the car with the basket in tow. As I approach his front door, I set the basket down and retreat as quietly as I came. I don’t want to cause a scene, nor do I want to look pathetic in the eyes of the man I’m falling in love with. But, of course, why would anything about this situation come easy. My escape is interrupted by the creek of the opening door. Please don’t be Alex, please don’t be Alex…
Turning to face my broken heart, I’m stunned. I must have interrupted his workout because standing before me is the epitome of my perfection, leaning against the door frame in grey sweats, sans shirts, hair drenched in sweat with a towel draped around his shoulders. God, I miss him. We stand there for what seems like an eternity, staring in each other’s eyes; raw green to chilled blue. Breaking the tension, Alex looks down into the basket. His cheeks redden at my gesture.
“Peanut butter and banana’s, huh?” he grins, but the smile doesn’t reach his eyes. I try to approach, to bridge the distance, but Alex shuts me down with one hand.
Looking down, utterly embarrassed, I stutter, “I d-didn’t mean to b-bother you. I know you need more time, b-but I wanted to give you something to think about,” I point towards the basket.
“Elyssa, you’re all that I’ve thought about,” he pauses, waiting for me to catch my breath. He reaches down to pick up the basket, “Thank you. I don’t know what else there is to say.” Picking through the items, he grabs my letter.
