by Stewart, Ann
“I’m not sure…the last time I saw Mr. James was at the conference Thursday morning. He told me he had a few things he needed to take care of and he would see me at work.” SHIT! She knows I’m not good at lying. She’s going to see right through me.
Thankfully, the next question is something I can answer honestly. “Was he inappropriate in any way? You don’t have to worry about retaliation. Whistleblowers are protected here.”
With a resounding no, I tell her that he acted nothing but professional the entire time we were in San Diego. “It was beneficial to my career to see him in action. He knows this business and everyone at the conference was quite impressed with him and our company.”
“I’ll have his ass Elyssa, if he did anything to you or anyone else. I have a reputation to uphold and can’t have Mr. James literally fucking it up with his dick. You would tell me if anything happened, right?”
“I don’t know what this is all about, but I can tell you he did nothing wrong. He was a gentleman and held his own at the conference. Nothing more, nothing less.” Hopefully that will calm her down.
“There’s nothing else you want to tell me?” she questions, eyeing me suspiciously.
“No. Arianna, I don’t understand what’s going on. Did I do something wrong?” She is abrupt and uncaring, which is not how she usually talks to me. Other people maybe, but me, never.
“Not as long as you’re telling me the truth,” her voice softens, as she retreats back behind her desk. She doesn’t sit, but rather looks out the window towards the strip, still trying to reel herself in from the inquisition. Smoothing back her hair, the tension erases from her shoulders as her body visibly relaxes. “Where are my manners, I should have asked how the conference was.” And there it is. Her ability to switch her moods on and off is distracting and tiresome.
“It went well,” I stammer; my heartbeat still erratic from her interrogation. “The different sessions we attended were educational and I’m sure we’ll be able to use some of the valuable lessons here. Oh, and we had dinner with the Barney Stephens and Oliver Prescott from Britt & Sterne. It seemed as though they might be interested in doing more business with us in the future.”
Arianna discretely adjusts her wrinkled shirt, possibly realizing she doesn’t have the best of appearances. “Really? Well, that’s good news for us. How was Mr. Prescott? He’s quite the charmer from what I’ve heard.” What’s she getting at?
“Uh, Mr. Prescott was…nice.” What else does she want me to say?
“Well, maybe you’ll see him again,” she responds smugly. “I can always set up a meeting for you, if you’d like?”
“I don’t think so. Distance is the problem in that equation.” And so is my boyfriend.
Turning to dismiss me, she admits that she only came in to talk to me. “I’m leaving for the rest of the day, but if you need anything, or need to talk about anything, you know my number. I trust that you’ll use it.”
Standing to leave, I wish her a great weekend and acknowledge that I do have her number. I understand she has a responsibility to ensure that her employees are acting ethically at all times, but this is a bit much. I’ve never seen her so agitated before. I wonder if she gives everyone the third degree after they go away for a business trip, or is it because it’s me.
Then again, maybe her and Carl had an argument? I haven’t seen him in such a long time and with him being in such bad health, it might be trying on their marriage. That, or maybe stress from work is getting to her. Either way, I can’t give her any reason to be angry at Alex. Returning to my desk I send him a quick text, warning him about Arianna’s strange behavior.
**Arianna asked how you got home from the trip. I told her I didn’t know.**
*Did she believe you?*
**I think so. She seemed upset-more upset than I’ve ever seen her. Not sure what’s up with her.**
*Doesn’t matter. Dinner tonight?*
**How about I cook for you? Least I can do after you cleaned me so thoroughly this morning**
*See you at 7, Hart.*
Either Alex doesn’t seem to be worried about Arianna’s third degree or he knows how to handle her. I don’t know if either makes sense, but I dismiss any concern and dive right into a week’s worth of voicemails and e-mails. Throughout the day, I only give myself a few chances to think about Alex. But when I do, my mind wanders to our shower, our trip home from San Diego, and the sweet words written in melted chocolate over his heart. Love me… I sigh. God, I do love him. I haven’t seen him since we left his house this morning, but I’m sure he’s also catching up. I know how many e-mails I had to sift through; I can’t imagine how many he has.
Seeing as how I’ve been gone for the past three days, I probably won’t win the most responsible employee of the week award when I decided to leave work early. I need to run to the store and buy a few items for dinner and know I won’t have time after work. You know…priorities. At least I was good and finished my backlog of work before I perused the Food Network website. I was excited when I found a recipe for crab cakes, but got a little nervous when it looked almost too easy. I’ve never made them before, and needed something fancy. I figure, even if the main course doesn’t work out, we can still have chocolate cake for desert. It’s not out of a bottle, but it pays close homage to our special night in San Diego. Making a mental shopping list, I head to the closest market.
~~~~~
I finish cooking just in time. Alex said he would be over at seven, which gives me barely enough time to freshen up. Trying to make myself presentable, I’m combing my knotted hair as my cell rings from the bathroom counter. Anxious to see him, I rush to grab my phone.
“Hi! I was just thinking about you.” I can’t help the sweetness in my tone.
“I’ve been thinking about you all day,” Alex declares, but his voice is shaky. He sounds tired and defeated after a long day.
“Are you almost here? I can’t wait to see you.”
“That’s what I’m calling for,” he pauses, sighing. “I have to cancel.”
“Oh,” my heart sinks. Besides slaving in the kitchen and hours of anticipation, I hate the thought of not seeing him. It surprises me the hurt I feel in my heart. But then the anger hits, “You’re really cancelling? Twenty minutes before you’re supposed to be here?” He better have a damn good reason. I hate this; I hate being mad at him. I’m sure there’s an absolutely reasonable explanation, but at this point no excuse would erase the disappointment I feel. I want to pout like a child, and stomp my feet on the ground, but again that damn rational side of my brain kicks in and whispers in my ear. Where would that get you, Elyssa?
“I’m sorry. I have to take care of something. I promise to make it up to you.” There’s sincerity in his tone, but something about his choice of words catches me off guard. What are you hiding, Alex?
“Are you okay? Is it Nana?” I try to change my tone to one of concern, but I’m not sure if it worked. I’m trying not to be selfish, but sometimes it’s hard when it pertains to him. But, I know I would feel horrible if I gave him a guilt trip when the situation was of dire importance.
“She’s okay. I can’t explain things right now. I’m hoping I can eventually, but right now I need you to trust me.” Trust? What’s there to trust? You’re not telling me anything! Crap, settle down, Ely. Closing my eyes, I take a deep breath, trying to relax before I fly off the handle and say something that I’ll regret.
“Fine. I’ll trust there’s a good reason. But none of this hoping, you will eventually tell me.” I hate this; I hate not knowing what he’s hiding. And I know he’s hiding something. “You’re still going to my sister’s house with me tomorrow, right?” I stumble, trying to keep my voice level and calm, as I fume on the inside.
“Of course…I wouldn’t miss it for the world.”
“Oh, but you’ll miss tonight?” I growl. SHIT! Well there goes my effort at trying not to fly off the handle.
“Elyssa, that’s not fair
. I wish I was there. You have to understand,” he begs, making it harder to be mad. Instead my ire turns into frustration and disappointment.
“I don’t know what there is to understand, Alex? You’re telling me you can’t come. You’re cancelling on me at the last minute and you’re not telling me why. And on top of all that, I’m supposed to understand something?” I manage, annoyance seeping through. “I know you don’t do relationships, but this is like rule number 234 of the dating handbook. You don’t cancel on your girlfriend twenty minutes before you’re supposed to be somewhere, especially without giving a reasonable explanation.”
Waiting for me to calm down, he continues, “Elyssa, you trust me right?”
I sigh before giving in. “Of course I do.”
“Then know that I’m thinking of you. Know that it kills me to cancel on you like this and know the reason I’m canceling must be pretty damn important for me not to be there right now. Please don’t be angry.”
“I’m not angry Alex, I’m disappointed.” Disappointed, irritated and hurt, but mostly sad that I won’t see him.
“That’s worse…” his voice trails off.
“But, I trust you. I’ll give you the benefit of the doubt and see you tomorrow.”
“I really am sorry, Hart.”
I hang up not wanting to discuss the matter any further. I really didn’t want to end the conversation on such a sour note, but what was I suppose to say? It’s okay Alex, don’t worry about my feelings. Go ahead and keep your secrets and keep me in the dark. I’ll just be here with my legs open whenever you’re ready to give me an ounce of your time. No screw that! I stride towards the dining room table garnished with flowers and candles and blow out the flickering flames.
Tucking my legs beneath me, I lie on the couch and click on the television. Surfing through the channels, I avoid thinking about our conversation. My only company is the dull noise of the television as I fall asleep.
~~~~~
Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang!
Startled out of slumber by the pounding against my door, I immediately check my phone. Fuck, it can’t be Cole! Doesn’t he ever learn his lesson? When I see the only missed calls are from Alex, I let the irritation seep out through a long yawn.
Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang!
Still trying to wake up, I stumble as I make my way to the door. My eyes water as they try to focus on the clock. It’s two in the morning. Reaching the door, I look through the peephole, and I’m shocked to see Alex leaning against the wall, trying desperately to hold himself up. Hastily, I unlock my deadbolt and open the door.
“Hi Harrrtt! I knew you’d be home. You’re alwaayyys here for me when I needdd you!” Alex slurs, tripping as he makes his way into my apartment. I can smell the alcohol on him and instantly hate that whatever, or whoever, happened tonight did this to him.
“Alex, have you been drinking?” I question, even though I already know the answer. Urging him to sit, he hesitates and turns towards me. There is darkness in his eyes.
“God, Elyssa,” taking me into his arms, he nuzzles my neck. “You are so fucking beautiful.” He attempts to pull me into a kiss, but I resist and push against him.
“Alex you’re drunk. I don’t want to….”
Pulling away, he immediately hangs his head in defeat. “I knew it. I’m such a fuck up. I ruined us before I even had a chance…”
“Alex, what in the hell are you talking about? I’m still irritated from earlier. You can’t just show up drunk thinking that I’ll lay on my back and forget about earlier,” I huff as I place my hands on the sides of his face trying to regain eye contact. “And what chance are you talking about? A chance to what?”
“To marry you…and knock you up.” I’m thrown back by his declaration. He wants to marry me? I take a few steps back, giving us distance. He shakes his sorrow and instantly turns into a rambling mess. Throwing his hands up, being overly dramatic in his intoxicated state, he continues to digress. “Which is probably a good thing, because I would just fuck up our kids and then you’d end up hating me anyways; which you probably already do.”
“Alex, sit down!” I pull him closer to the couch, but he doesn’t comply. “Alex, I don’t hate you,” I sigh, tugging on his shirt. “I don’t understand where all of this is coming from, but I don’t hate you. You haven’t fucked up anything. You’ve made me angry, but…” His arms tighten, squeezing the air out of me.
“I’m not good for you. I’m worthless and you don’t even know it. In the end, when you get to know the real me, you’re going to leave and that’ll kill me.” I push against him, but he doesn’t budge. Instead, he looks down, hands traveling up and down my body, teasing me. “There is one thing I’m good for. The only thing I’m good for. Elyssa, I can fuck. I can make you come multiple times…please….let me make you forget?” he moans, as his mouth grazes my jaw line.
“Alex please, you’re drunk.” I try again to push against him, but his grip is tight and his hands continue their movement, this time with more force. “Alex, please look at me…talk to me.”
“I don’t want to talk,” moaning in my ear. “But, there is something I want to do with my mouth.” Alex moves us towards the couch and pushes me down onto the cushion. Very uncoordinatedly, he tries to remove my pants, only getting them to my knees before he falls to the ground in front of me.
“Alex, I don’t want to make love to you like this. Please…”
Nuzzling my thighs, he places soft kisses that trail up towards my sex. “Fuck Elyssa, you taste so sweet.” His voice is full of rasp and hunger, and memories flood my mind; memories of his voice, his hands, and his mouth.
“STOP!” God.Please.No. “STOP Alex, Please STOP.” My voice shakes as he continues to run his tongue from my knee, up my thigh.
His lips brush against my sex. “Please Elyssa…let me make you forget about today. About everything I did wrong.”
“FUCKING STOP!” I scream. Pushing and kicking, he finally releases me, allowing me to pull up my pants. Curling up into a ball at the opposite end of the sofa, Alex’s sobering face stares at me in shock. Not knowing what he did, or even what just happened, he remains frozen. Tears stream down my face as I shake uncontrollably.
“Elyssa…I wasn’t going to hurt…” Moving closer, he tries to take my hand into his.
“Don’t fucking touch me!” Still shaking I can’t control myself as I wrap my arms around my calves, holding on for dear life. Not now! Why did he have to say those words? Why? It took a long time to get his face etched from my memory. Ely, calm down. It’s in your past. He can never hurt you again! This is Alex, he would never hurt you. Being with Alex has made me forget my past. He’s made me crave sex instead of loathing the intimacy. I know he would never hurt me. Never. But, how am I supposed to react when he utters those words.
“Elyssa, please…what’s wrong? I would never force you to do anything,” Alex’s pleading voice breaks down. “Don’t be scared of me, please. I’m sorry.” I’m afraid to look at him, afraid I might see his face. Afraid I’ll see pity in Alex’s eyes, pity for something he knows nothing about. “Please Elyssa, talk to me.” Alex moves closer, and this time I let him. In my heart I know he wasn’t going to hurt me, but it’s just too painful. I unclench my fists and cautiously allow him to take my hand in his.
Alex stares at me, and I know he’s wondering how he’s fucked up this time. Wondering what would have caused such a harsh reaction. But, I don’t know what to say. Do I trust him enough to let him in even further? I know I’ve already told him about Cole and the miscarriage, but this is deeper. This cuts deeper than anything that has happened in my life since my parents died. I know I have to tell him, but what if this is it? What if I tell him and he looks at me differently, like I’m damaged. No…I can’t think that way.
“Please…you’re shaking.” Concern is etched in his voice as he remains still. Not knowing what to do he continues to look at me like a fragile piece of glass. Damn it; I am
not that girl anymore!
I can’t. Not in the living room. If I’m going to bare my soul, the last thing that can possibly come between us, it can’t be here. I stand, tremors overtaking my body as I walk unsteadily towards my bedroom. Even though he’s still drunk, I’m glad Alex decides to follow. I need him. I need the comfort of being in his arms. In my moment of desperation, I know his embrace will erase the dark memories, even if he’s the one that dredged them up.
Opening my bedroom door, I turn on the side lamp, letting a glimmer of light pass through the coldness of the room. Not having the wherewithal to change, I drop down to lean on the bed. Slumping over, Alex moves affectionately towards me, bringing my legs up to lie on top of my comforter. He doesn’t touch me any more than he has to, probably afraid of my reaction. Instead he moves to the other side of the bed and lies down next to me.
Moving closer to him, needing his warmth to push the iciness from my heart, I lay my head in the crook of his neck. Alex stiffens; his hands frozen in the air, unsure if he should touch me.
I sob; my lips against his Adams apple. “Please Alex, hold me.”
He complies and places a hand on the back of my head. “I’m here…shhh…I’m here.” My eyes close as I relax in his tenderness. Time is moving slowly, almost too slow, and I know I have to say something.
I don’t know how to start. Alex has been a whirlwind of emotions since the moment I met him. What if the rest of my past causes him to spin out of control, destroying everything in its path? Or, it could go in the opposite direction and my past could quell the passion he feels for me. Either way, I’m doomed. Hugging him tighter, he returns the embrace, which immediately soothes my tension.
Breaking the silence with a whisper, I cling to his chest. “Never say that to me again, do you understand?”
“Say what? About you tasting…?” Bile builds in my throat as I resist the urge to vomit.
“Yes, that. Never again…” My voice trails off as my mind tries to block memories from that dreadful night.
“What happened to you?” I shake my head, closing my eyes tighter, wishing I could reverse the entire day and be back in the shower with him. “Did someone hurt you? Was it Cole?”
