by Stewart, Ann
Of course Alex is perceptive, always has been. But his tendency to always put blame on Cole is trying, especially when in this case, Cole was my savior, not my abuser.
“Don’t let me go please,” I beg. I’m terrified he’ll see how damaged I am and realize I’m not worth the trouble.
“I’m not going anywhere.” Alex continues to hold me, but eventually pushes me for an explanation. “Talk to me please.”
Steadying myself, I spill my guts to him for a second time. “It was while I was in college. The first Friday after school started I went with a couple of girls from my dorm to a frat party. I didn’t know them, or the people throwing the party, but I thought it would be fun and a great way to make friends.
“Right when we got there, a guy walked up to me with an extra drink in his hand, explaining that it was for me. He seemed okay, so I kept talking with him. As the night wore on, he made sure I had a drink in my hand at all times, but still I thought nothing of it. I was having fun, and recognized a hand full of people from my classes and instantly recognized Cole from my English class. Cole and I were just acquaintances at the time, but he saw how wasted I was. He tried to look out for me, telling me I should go back to my dorm, but I ignored him of course.
“At the end of the night, I didn’t know which end was up so when he brought me to his room, I didn’t think twice. He didn’t even shut his door. Next thing I know he was on top of me, trying to shove his tongue down my throat.”
I shake my head as tears start to stream down my face. “Elyssa, you don’t have to talk about this if you don’t want to.”
“No, y-you have a right to know.” I take a deep breath before continuing. “I tried to push him away. He was so fast. He already had my pants off, choking me as he ripped off my underwear. He told me not to scream, and when I tried, he covered my mouth so forcefully I could barely breathe.”
Reliving this nightmare is far worse than I could have ever imagined. The memory has haunted me, but saying it out loud is torture. I shiver through the pain. He can’t hurt you ever again, Ely! Don’t let him. Knowing Alex may never look at me the same, I know I have to continue. He deserves to know what he’s getting in to.
“After he ripped off my underwear, he slid…” another sob trembles through my body, as Alex pulls me in tighter. “He started with two fingers, but as my body went limp, he tried to shove his whole fist inside, telling me he was getting me ‘ready for the good stuff.’ When he pulled out, he licked his fingers telling me I tasted…so sweet.”
Although a whisper, I’m able to make out what Alex’s conclusion, “He raped you.” Completely sober, his fingers grip at my waist tightly as he finally realizes why I panicked.
“Kinda… he didn’t get that far. Just as he was climbing on top of me, Cole came in. He threw the guy off of me, covered me with his jacket, and carried me all the way back to my dorm. Cole was there for me that night. Since then, he has always looked out for me.”
Finally brave enough to look up at Alex, I have to make him appreciate Cole the way I have all these years. “Do you understand now why I’ve kept him around? Even through all his crap. He was there for me when I needed him and I had to be there for him when he needed me. I guess I felt like I owed him. So much, that I thought he deserved to be my first.”
“Elyssa…”Alex sits up, leaning against my headboard. Lifting and pulling me into his lap, he presses me closer into his arms. “You didn’t owe Cole anything. I’m grateful he was there, but you didn’t have to give him your virginity just because he did the decent thing and helped you. Your first time should have been special, not something you felt you owed someone.”
I can’t help the deep sobs that escape my mouth as I reach up and wrap my arms around his neck. “I’m sorry, Alex. I didn’t mean to freak out on you. You were just being so forceful and you were drunk…”
“Don’t apologize. I’m sorry for scaring you. Elyssa, it’s my job to make you feel safe. I would never do anything to hurt you, ever.”
“I know,” I nod as Alex continues to move his hand up and down my spine, softly humming to me while I’m wrapped in his arms, rocking me ever so slightly.
“Alex…why were you drinking?”
“Doesn’t matter right now. What matters is making you feel safe.”
“I appreciate you being here. As draining as this night has been, I feel safe now.” And I do feel safe, safe and cared for. I wish he would tell me what’s going on in his head. Something happened tonight that made him drink heavily. “Please talk to me,” I urge. “I feel like you’re waiting for things to end and this is just our beginning. Please Alex; don’t leave me in the dark.”
“How could I leave you in the dark when you are my light, leading me away from the dark place I’ve been for so long? I promise I can be a better man. I want to be…for you. Just don’t give up on me.”
“I’m not going anywhere.” Kissing Alex, I run my hands through his hair. “I always want to be where you are. Even if I was just the girl you met at that gas station, if we didn’t work together, I would have thought about you every day, wondering what could have been. It was fate that brought us together…two people searching for their other half.”
Remaining in an embrace for quite some time, Alex stirs and glances at the clock. “Do you want me to go? If you don’t feel comfortable falling asleep with me…I’ll understand.”
“Please don’t?! Stay with me; I need you,” I beg, panic setting in. Alex sighs in relief, laying me down. Gently, he unclothes me, leaving my panties and bra in place and swiftly pulls off his own clothes, leaving on his boxers. Dragging the comforter back, he slides in, pulling me in as close as he can. With Alex’s front to my back, I slowly fall asleep with a feeling of relief. He’s here with me and he’s not going anywhere.
CHAPTER 19:
Alex stirs next to me, waking me from my sleep as I adjust to his body. “Elyssa….I love you.” His sweet murmurs, while still dozing, are comforting instead of frightening this time. My chest tightens with an overwhelming sense of relief; relief that he feels the same. He’s finally said the three words I’ve been waiting for…what I needed him to say. How I wish he could tell me this while he’s awake, but I know it will take time. I turn towards him, staring at his peaceful face and snuggle closer to him. Wrapping my arm around his waist, I kiss his chest directly over his heart.
“I love you, Alex,” I whisper to my unconscious love. Maybe one day soon, we’ll be able to tell each other how we feel without hiding behind the safety of slumber.
Saturday, October 13, 2012
The next morning I wake to a sweet, deep humming sound. Pulling me into an embrace, Alex begins to sing softly, nuzzling into my neck. Singing of needing me, giving his soul to me, and becoming a better man; these promises, although in song, shake me to my core. I smile sweetly and stroke his bottom lip as he continues to serenade me. He’s singing directly to my heart and with each word from his sweet melodic voice, I fall deeper and deeper in love with him. After last night, he accepts my damaged soul and I accept his.
Even though this moment is perfect, the thought of last night, still haunts me. I don’t know how to let it go. I still don’t have an explanation for him canceling on me or his drunken booty call. I can’t help but feel the two reasons are linked in some way. The dread I feel is eating at me, and I’m desperate; I need to know. “Alex…”
“Hmm?” Even his grumblings sound sexy and masculine.
“Why were you drinking?” I may not want to know the answer, but not knowing is worse. He was hurting last night and lashed out at himself by drinking. This isn’t the Alex I know and love.
Automatically becoming defensive, Alex tenses. “Do we really have to talk about this? We’ve only been awake for five damn minutes.” Not the reaction I was hoping for.
“Why won’t you talk to me? Do you think so little of me that I don’t deserve an explanation?” I know I’m reaching here, but I not crazy thinking that I deserv
e an answer…right?
Alex releases me and sits up, resting the back of his head against the headboard. “I am my father’s son; can’t escape the drunken bastard I’m meant to be. I guess it’s engrained into my DN fucking A.” His voice elevates as he runs the palm of his hand across the back of his neck in frustration.
With lightening speed, I sit up shoving his shoulder. “Stop this shit! You are not like your father, Alex. Look at me!” I place two fingers on his chin waiting, anger etched on my face, his face saddened and somber. “If you’re like your father, would you have held me last night? Would you have protected me from Cole? If you are, tell me now before you get me pregnant, fuck other women, and beat the shit out of me!” I release his face, only to see sorrow in his eyes. I fight the urge to clasp my hands over my mouth out of regret for saying such horrible facts about his childhood and using them against him.
Flinching at my harsh words, his eyes lower to my fisted hands. “This isn’t about you, Elyssa. Don’t you see? You’re innocent and sweet and deserve a guy who had a good upbringing and a large family; a guy who can bring you home to meet his parents. You only have Rachel, and you deserve to experience what a real family is like.” Alex pauses for a moment. “I can’t give you any of that!”
“You’re not answering my question. You think I care about having a big family? I’ve never had one, so why would I need more than just you and Rachel. You aren’t depriving me of anything, because you haven’t had that either. Maybe I should be asking you if you’re okay with just me and Rachel.” I deliberately point out he may be the one using this as a scapegoat, to be free of me.
Alex breathes in, unable to hide his irritation, “Calm down! I’m not running. Don’t ever think you aren’t enough for me.” His voice softens and his eyes lower, staring at my stilled hands. “And, I would never hurt you.”
Taking my hand in his, he begins to run his index finger over my knuckles. “No other woman could ever make me as happy as you have.” He brings my hand up, resting my palm against his chest. “I would never cheat on you. And as far as you getting pregnant, if it were to happen…I would cherish you both. I would try to be the best father I could be and I would tell her I love her every minute of every day.”
“Her?” I mumble.
“You’ve given me a lot to dream about, Hart. I picture us having a girl, with big green eyes, brown hair…” An overwhelming sense of hope builds inside of me and for a moment, I think I forgot how to breathe.
“And dimples,” I whisper, reaching up to touch the indents on his cheek.
“So with that being said, how are you like your father? I know you’ve had a hard life. I know you’ve been hurt, but so have I. We can heal together. You have to give us a chance and stop breaking yourself down every time something happens. I don’t want to hear you ever comparing yourself to a man you loathe. A man who didn’t love and respect your mother the way he should have. A man who didn’t contribute to how much of an amazing man you’ve turned out to be.”
“Elyssa, there’s so much in my past. So much I wish I could tell you, but I can’t. I’m not ready, not yet.” He looks pained and I know I can’t push him, but we both know he’ll need to break his silence eventually. He already knows more about me than anyone in my life and that’s because I trust him. I need him to trust me in return.
“When you’re ready, I’m here. But, you have to know we can’t move forward until we address our past. There won’t be a future for us unless we do.”
“I know, maybe with time…” Obviously despondent, Alex releases me, pulling on his jeans. “I’m sorry for canceling on you. And I’m even sorrier for showing up drunk and being forceful. I promise you it will never happen again.” Glancing at his watch Alex finishes getting dressed. “I really should go, but I need to call a cab. That’s at least one thing I did right last night.”
“Alex, it isn’t the only thing you did right. You were there for me when I needed you. I know it wasn’t the most conventional way of letting you in, but I’m glad I did. And I’m thankful you stayed.”
Dialing the last number on his phone, Alex pulls me into an embrace as he waits for the cab company to answer. After talking to the agent for a brief moment, he resolves they’ll be here in ten minutes. Sitting on the couch, he holds me close, nothing but the sound of our breathing interrupts the room.
Breaking our silence, the cab honks its horn. Alex promises he’ll meet me at my sister’s house, asking me to text him the address.
A promise, a quick kiss and a tight embrace is all I’m left with as I stand alone in my apartment, still just as confused as I was before. More questions about Alex’s past remain unanswered. But, if I’ve learned anything it’s that patience is a virtue. Oh, and that he loves me. All I can do is ignore the growing need for answers deep within me as I head off to the bathroom to get ready for a day with my sister.
~~~~~
I sit, stirring with anxiety in Rachel’s living room. Time is moving as slow as the clouds move across the sky, and I’m driving myself crazy checking the clock every two seconds. Alex agreed to meet me at Rachel’s house at seven and as I wait, a silent prayer repeats over and over again in my head. Please let him show…Please let him show...Please let him show. I’m nervous and not just because I’m afraid he won’t show, but because Rachel and Bryan are meeting him for the first time. What if they don’t like him?
When the doorbell chimes, I nervously jump out of my seat, racing Bryan to answer the door first. Please let Rachel adore him as much as I do and please, please let Bryan be on his best behavior.
“How do you know it’s him?” Bryan teases as I reach for the door, letting it swing open. Standing at the door is my heart. I stare into his eyes, feeling the love passing between us. He smiles, releasing my gaze only to motion to the woman standing next to him. I’m overjoyed he felt comfortable enough to bring Nana with him and can’t help my beaming smile as I glance between the two of them. Alex stays quiet, trying to gage my reaction. I hope my silent response is shown by the brightness in my face.
I reach out and take Nana by her hand. “Hi Nana. Do you remember me?”
“You’re Alex’s girl, right?” Not only is she coherent, but she knows who I am. A sweet smile spreads across her face as she gently squeezes my hand. The acceptance I feel with this simple gesture makes my heart skip a beat. It’s been such a long time since I’ve had anyone in my life that makes me feel whole. Alex and his grandmother, along with my small family, is all I need in my life.
“Yes, I am. Please come in.” Leading her in, Alex follows closely behind. Just inside the door, Bryan is waiting patiently to meet them both. “Alex, Nana, this is my sister’s boyfriend, Bryan. Bryan, this is Alex and his grandmother, Molly.”
Bryan gently takes Alex’s grandmother’s hand in his, placing a soft kiss over her knuckles. “May I call you Molly?” She reacts the way any woman would and blushes at the small token of affection, whispering softly to me about Bryan being handsome and a gentleman.
“Any friend of Alex’s is already a part of my family, so please call me Nana,” she expresses. That’s just the kind of notion I would expect from her, but to see it, means more. Whatever Alex may say, or think of himself, I know he is good – because of his grandmother.
After thanking her, Bryan turns to Alex. Reaching out to shake his hand, Bryan stares Alex directly in his eyes, giving him the once over. Not wavering, he meets Bryan’s stare, firmly shaking his hand. If I didn’t know them better, I would think this was a pissing contest. But, since I do, and rather well I might add, I can appreciate the intrusive situation.
“So, you’re the one that has E’s panties in a bunch?!” Bryan jokes, as he releases Alex’s hand. He’s lucky my panties are still in place and not in Alex’s front pocket.
“That would be me,” he proclaimed. “But, apparently we both have the same affect on one another,” Alex quips as he takes both Nana’s hand and mine, leading us, as we follow Bryan fur
ther into the house.
“You look beautiful,” Alex leans in, whispering in my ear. He nuzzles against me, kissing me briefly on the nape of my neck. Our brief, yet intimate moment is interrupted by Rachel’s boisterous movements as she comes bouncing in from the kitchen. Let the interrogation begin.
Quickly determining there’s an extra person joining us for dinner, she looks from Alex to Nana to me, smiling all the while. Striding over to Nana she brings her into a small embrace. “You must be Alex’s grandmother.” Rachel releases her, but still holds her shoulders at arm’s length for a moment before releasing her back to Alex.
I interrupt Rachel and make introductions. “Nana this is Rachel, my sister.”
She looks over at me, then to Rachel. It’s something of a miracle she’s showing any sort of comprehension. I’m ecstatic that today of all days, is a good day. “Yes, Alex told me we were having dinner with your sister tonight.”
Okay, here’s the moment of truth. If Rachel doesn’t like him, I don’t know what I’ll do. Separately, they represent each half to my whole. If their worlds can’t co-exist, what am I left with? Two disconnected parts of my life? I can’t live like that. No! She has to like him.
“Rachel, this is Alex,” nervously gesturing between the two of them.
Alex releases me, and moves to shake Rachel’s hand, but in true Rachel fashion, she clobbers him into a tight hug. Somewhat surprised, Alex takes a moment before he returns the embrace.
“So, you’re the one who has El’s panties in a bunch?!” I roll my eyes, accepting that both Rachel and Bryan have confirmed for Alex that I’ve been in utter disarray since the moment I met him. With the way we’ve both been acting, I’m sure…no, I know…we don‘t need anyone pointing it out for us.
“So I’ve been told,” Alex jokes as Rachel releases him. A deep grumble erupts from Bryan’s chest as he breaks out in laughter. I glare at him, but can’t help but giggle a few seconds later.
