Chosen Heart (The Hart Series)

by Stewart, Ann

  “What? Are you serious?” I hope he hears the utter disgust in my voice as I spit out the words.

  “Do you want him? Or are you just using him to make me jealous? Cause if that’s what you’re trying to accomplish…you’ve succeeded. I want to walk outside and rip his fucking throat out for talking to you like that.”

  “Alex…he’s new in town. He needs a friend and that’s all I intend to be.”

  “But, he doesn’t want to be your friend. He wants more. I’m a guy, I can tell.”

  “Well, good thing that I’m not in the mood for more right now.”

  “Please don’t go. Tell him you can’t. Stay with me,” he pleads, reaching out for me.

  “I can’t. I have to go.” Pulling away, I feel Alex’s grip loosen. I hate this. I have to get out of here. Opening the door, I glance behind me. Alex stands alone in the lobby, his puppy dog eyes stricken with a mixture of disappointment and sorrow, is one of the most miserable things I’ve ever seen. I’m sorry, Alex. I promised his grandmother that I wouldn’t hurt him! I can’t believe I’m breaking my promise so soon. Ely, you’re just going to lunch with a friend, he shouldn’t be hurt.

  It’s hard to breathe as I walk out the door to Oliver’s awaiting car.

  Gripping the handle to his very old, very pristine Mustang, I open and ease myself into his car. If this was Alex, he would have opened the door for me. If this was Alex, my heart would be fluttering in anticipation. This isn’t Alex. He isn’t Alex. The butterflies are dormant, as Oliver smiles at me.

  “Where are we going?”

  “Sushi. Go out and take a right.”

  CHAPTER 22

  By the time we get seated at the restaurant, my appetite is completely gone. My thoughts are stuck at work, seeing only Alex’s tormented face in my mind. Leaving him standing in the lobby, it’s almost too much to bear. I made the right decision, but the thought that I’ve hurt him even more by doing so, breaks my heart. What’s even more troubling is the thought of returning to work; to see his broken face. Hopefully, when we return, Oliver doesn’t try walking me in. If Alex hasn’t calmed down by then, it would surely fuel the fire, making an already bad scene disastrous.

  My stomach is officially seeking vengeance on my already distraught body. Trying to ride out the tension, I pull my arms tight around my torso. Unfortunately for me, my insides twist and turn, making it almost difficult to concentrate on anything else. If he thinks this isn’t just as hard on me, as it is on him, he’s delusional. My decision making, or lack thereof, is wreaking havoc on both of us. And for both of our sakes, I know I have to deal with “us” sooner, rather than later.

  If I’m being completely honest with myself, I’m still at odds with the whole situation. I know I love him. I know I want to be with him. That hasn’t changed. The part I’m having trouble with, and don’t know if I can look past, is the feeling of betrayal; the feeling that he is, and has been, keeping things from me. Things that had I known, might have made a difference. I don’t know, Ely. You said he was your other half. You said you would choose him in any scenario. What happened to that? “Disloyalty is what happened,” I mutter under my breath. Crap, now I’m answering my conscious, out loud. Yah, that can’t be good.

  Focus!

  He says he’s been faithful, telling me he loves me, telling me he hasn’t lied, but at this point, it’s just words. Words I so desperately want to believe, but empty words nonetheless. It’s hard to forget. Looking back, I see how so many of his actions completely contradict the man I thought I was falling in love with. Who I fell in love with, and who he really is, weighs heavily on my mind. As I fidget with my single gold band, I look up to the ceiling for guidance. What am I supposed to do?

  Practically succumbing to my own misery, I realize how rude I’m being as I unintentionally continue the silent treatment. It’s hard to focus on anything else, but I know it’s not fair to Oliver. The chime of my cell phone causes me to tense, knowing exactly who it’s from. Reaching in my bag, I’m pretty sure this is the first time I’ve not wanted the message to be from Alex.

  *I can’t believe you left me. Are you trying to hurt me?!*

  Me hurt you? You’ve got to be fucking joking, Alex!

  Oliver closes his menu as he cocks his head to the side, looking at me strangely. “You ready to order?” Plastering a fake smile on my face, I place my phone in my lap, hoping he didn’t just see the spark of anger flitting across my face.

  “I’m not very hungry. I think I’ll just have some green tea.” I know pouting isn’t going to make me feel better, but neither will food.

  Peaking down underneath the table, I feel my phone vibrate just as the screen pops up with a picture of Alex.

  *If he fucking touches you, I’ll break his fucking hand!*

  *Seriously, Elyssa. Don’t let him touch you.*

  He obviously hasn’t calmed down yet. Nothing I say, or do, will make any of this better.

  “You need to eat. Let me fatten you up so I don’t have to worry about other men falling for you.” A grumble erupts from his chest as he breaks out in laughter. I guess he isn’t bothered by the fact that he doesn’t have my full attention. Good to know he can entertain himself.

  “Ha ha, very funny,” I giggle with him. His joy and laughter is so contagious that I almost forgot about the infuriating rage coming through my phone. Almost. Still not enough to respond.

  “I’ve never understood a man’s train of thought. Get your woman fat so other men won’t be attracted to her, but in the process she becomes unattractive to you.” I hate to admit it, but it’s a breath of fresh air being around Oliver. No need to constantly worry about making decisions or worry about his sordid past.

  “I can’t see you ever becoming unattractive. Regardless of your size,” he retorts with a genuine smile. Again, another man in my life I wish I could’ve met any other time or place. Why does my life keep getting more complicated? I thought the older you got, the more things were supposed to make sense, as they worked themselves out. Boy was I wrong.

  As we sit here in silence, I ponder Alex’s demeaning words regarding Oliver’s intentions. I guess now is as good a time as any to address them. I’m not going to lie. This topic, and Oliver, both scare me a little. The anxiety I feel is deep in the pit of my stomach, or is that the residual energy from Alex? I decide it’s probably a little of both. The thought of discussing my limitations makes my heart jump a beat. I need to calm down; I need him to calm down. But, he isn’t here. I really hope Oliver can live with my limitations, because a new, uncomplicated friend would be nice to have.

  “Oliver…you know we’re just friends right? Sorry for being so blunt, but I don’t wanna lead you on.” Alex would be so proud of me. Not that I need his praise right now, but at least I put it out there, and at the moment plan to keep it that way. I think. Oh, I’m so confused.

  Staring at me, Oliver contemplates what he’s about to reveal. It’s nice to know some people think before they speak. “I can’t say I only want to be friends with you, Elyssa. But, I figured. So, for the moment I’m willing to accept your position. I’ll do anything to spend more time with you because I want to get to know you. And I hope that when you get to know me, you realize I have more to offer you than friendship.” Pausing, Oliver places down his menu before continuing. “How is your boyfriend these days?”

  With his latest confession, I can’t fuel the fire that Oliver may have for me. He doesn’t need any details giving him the idea that Alex and I are anything but copasetic. “He’s…busy.”

  My phone vibrates again. Does he ever give up? Yeah right, who am I kidding?

  *Where are you?! So help me…I’m going crazy. If I knew where you were, I’d come get you and kick the shit out of that prick!*

  I shudder at the thought. Shoving my phone into my purse, I realize how extremely impolite I’ve been. Right now, I need to focus on getting through lunch, and Alex’s texts are not helping. Unfortunately though, with his late
st rant, I can’t help but picture the dreadful fight that would ensue if Alex and Oliver came to blows inside the restaurant. It would definitely clinch the feeling of that damn rope in their infamous tug-o-war. But, we all know that Alex still has the tighter grip on me. He’s wound around my heart so tight that the sheer absence of him is constricting. If I give in and text him he’ll only get wound up even more. No, he absolutely needs this time to calm down.

  “Busy huh? Speaking of busy, what’s going on with your phone? Boyfriend texting you?”

  “He’s wondering where I am,” I admit sheepishly, without hesitation.

  “He doesn’t like the fact you’re out to lunch with me, does he?” I don’t know why, but the look on Oliver’s face is borderline arrogant. You don’t have me, Oliver. Keep this up and we may not even make it to friendship.

  “Nope,” I shrug, accentuating a loud pop at the end. “But, as it stands, you and I are only friends. He will just have to deal with it.”

  “I seem to be making all of the men in your life unhappy today.” Studying my face for more time than he should, I offer no emotion or explanation. He’s not getting anything out of me, not about my problems, and definitely not about Alex.

  “My intention for moving out here was to spend time with you. Would it be bad if I said that I’m glad he’s busy? Gives me quality time to make you see what a great ‘friend’ I can be.” Wait! What?! His honesty is shocking. But, what alarms me even more…the slow smile sweeping across my lips. And the fact that I don’t stop it.

  “I want to get to know you, Elyssa. When we met at the conference, I could feel there was something between us…I can’t explain it. It’s like you have some kind of pull on me that I’ve never experienced before.”

  Shit! Shit! Shit! How am I supposed to get out of this one?

  “I thought you were already thinking about moving here?” I ask nonchalantly, trying to avoid anything too complicated. I can’t believe he’s telling me all of this, knowing I have a boyfriend. One that’s waiting for me, probably still seething with anger.

  “I was, but you were the push I needed to make the leap. Essentially, you’re the reason why I suddenly wanted to go.”

  “Oliver…” I know I should be annoyed, but I’m not. He’s at least telling me the truth, and honestly, whether I want to hear it or not, it’s what I need to stay above water right now. I can’t fault him for being honest, just as I can’t fault Alex for not being honest. As long as the reasons were pure, can I fault anyone?

  “I know what you’re about to say, so let me stop you before you get into lecture mode. I know you want to be friends, and you have a boyfriend you think you love. Right now I’ll accept it, but the moment he makes a mistake, I will be there. The moment you’re free to date again, I want the chance. Just keep that in mind. That’s all I’m asking for.”

  “I’ll keep that in mind.” I smile at him and continue to glance at the menu, suddenly hearing my stomach grumble. Getting the “friends” talk out of the way, even though we don’t see eye to eye, has calmed me down a bit. It’s a relief to know he’ll give me the space I need. Being around Oliver makes me feel...functional again, and for that, I’m grateful.

  After deciding on a few rolls and the green tea, Oliver takes the safe route and orders a bento box with Teriyaki chicken, rice and a California roll.

  “Not a sushi eater, huh?” I love sushi, always my comfort food, and I’m a little more than peeved when someone says they don’t like it, but have never tried it. But, because I’m trying for a little normalcy here, I decide today is not the day to poke. Besides, I don’t think I have it in me. Not today. Teasing, yes, chastising, no.

  “How could you tell?” he smirks at me, again lifting the mood.

  “Just a hunch. We could have gone somewhere else,” I tease back.

  “No worries.” Always at ease, Oliver relaxes placing his arm around the plush backrest as he looks around at the restaurants décor. Getting to sneak a peek, the first thing I notice is how deep set his green eyes are and how his full lips fit his ruggedly handsome face. He is definitely someone who’s done more than a full days worth of labor. Oliver looks like he loves to be outdoors, but based on his clothes and his car, he doesn’t mind the finer things in life.

  Stealing my eyes from his face, my eyes rake over his upper body and am caught when I see the trace of a tattoo peek through his sleeve. Tattoos on men are one of my weaknesses and I can’t restrain myself. Reaching over, I push his sleeve up, but recoil when his muscles flex. The feel of his bicep on my fingertips makes my insides tighten. Instead of reaching over to finish revealing his ink, I point my chin and ask him what kind of tattoo he has.

  “Just a simple tribal I’ve had since I was sixteen. Want to know a little secret?” I nod. “I think I have an addiction to tattoos; getting them, seeing them, and watching them move on other people. You should see my back. The guy who does all my work is gifted, truly a work of art,” he grins at me with excitement.

  Blinded by everything that is Oliver, rugged good looks and carefree attitude, the words escape me before I have time to think. “Why aren’t you taken?”

  He laughs. “Well…I was. Long story short, several years back I was engaged. She broke it off, and for a while there, I guess I was bitter against pretty much all women. But, I am getting better. Little by little, I’ve been attempting to get my shit together. Just like this move. This was my huge step towards wanting something more…something more substantial.” Why do I get the feeling he isn’t talking about buying a new house? I blush, but I’m unable to say or do anything. I really hope he isn’t talking about me.

  Taking a deep breath, he continues, “You know, moving here was a pretty big gesture. Women are supposed to like big romantic gestures. Don’t you, Elyssa?”

  Oliver was engaged. If he was engaged, that leads me to believe he’s the settling down type and not the type of guy who used to fuck for money. Ouch, that one stung! My own words make my chest contract, hurting me to my core. The mere thought of Alex getting through life on the money of other women is unbearable. Obviously, I can see how he would have been a hot commodity, especially since I intimately know the skills he possesses. He was just banking on them. Would I hold it against him if he was skilled at sewing and made money making clothes?

  Like a slap in the face, I’ve finally figured out what’s really bothering me. A nervous giggle escapes my lips, as I’m faced with my desperate reality. How am I supposed to compete with the staggering number of women he may have been with? How can I compete with her? With a woman who not only gave him his career, but also his lifestyle? A lifestyle he and Nana have grown accustomed to. How could I ever take that away from him?

  I struggle to breathe knowing I can’t give Alex, or Oliver, what they want. Why does it feel like the walls are closing in? Oh that’s right…because they are. Breathe Ely, just breathe.

  Oliver clears his throat, waiting for my response.

  Taking another deep breath, I try and respond as honestly as I can. “We do, but it would be ideal if the girl wasn’t already taken. We are still flattered by the gesture though.”

  Just then the food arrives, and it couldn’t have come at a better time. All of the heaviness is pushing me down further into an abyss, my abyss of misery. I wanted to have lunch with Oliver, not a lunch date with my emotions. Looking up into his green eyes, I see compassion and genuine freedom. Is it wrong of me to want him to see the same in mine?

  With Oliver and his humor keeping me at bay, the rest of the lunch is enjoyable. I know being with him would be easy, no complications. But, just the thought makes my stomach turn. I can’t do it…I can’t see myself with another man. Not after experiencing life with Alex. He is my life. Even though it can be confusing and tiresome, he is who I need to fully breathe, to fully live.

  Just then, I’m taken back to a simpler time, when my parents were alive, and the world was at my fingertips. I can almost hear my mom’s sweet voice, “Li
fe isn’t always about how easy we can make it, but about the choices we make to ease the life.”

  Looking at me sideways, Oliver asks if I’m ready to go. At the same time, he tosses a few twenties on the table as we slide out of the booth. Walking out of the restaurant, he places his arm around my shoulders. I know I should remove myself from his hold, but for some reason I’m comforted by this small gesture, and decide to allow myself this moment of solidarity. Friends, right?

  ~~~~~

  Fixated on something in the distance as we pull up to the curb, I follow Oliver’s eyes and shake my head when I notice what has captured his attention. Of course Alex would be waiting outside of the building. He looks calm resting against the wall with his hands in his pockets, but we all know looks can be deceiving.

  Oliver’s gaze, still focused on my heart fifty feet away, holds nothing back. “You know he’s an asshole, right?” No matter what he says and no matter how I’m feeling, I know Alex is nothing of Oliver’s assumptions. Does he even know Alex? He’s basing his decision on what? A few days at a couple of conferences? “Thank you for coming to lunch with me. Hopefully it’s not the last time,” he pleads.

  “Now that we’re working together, I’m sure you’ll see me so much you’ll get sick of me,” I chide. Oliver seems a little too into me and I know I shouldn’t give him anything to hold onto, but he’s so easy to tease. With the next month looming over my head, will I be able to keep up the charade of having a boyfriend? It’s not going to be easy. I really hope I can do this.

  Feigning shock, he laughs, “I don’t think I could ever get sick of you.” He may think that now, but he’ll see. What do they say? You spend more time with your co-workers than any of your family or friends? Yep, that sounds about right.

  With an odd look on his face, Oliver reaches up and brushes my cheek. I pull away from him, shocked that he’s already crossing the “friends” line. Did he not hear what I said at the restaurant?