Don't Break This Kiss (Top Shelf Romance Book 5)

by Jessica Hawkins

  If she hadn’t done that, I would have had more blood on my hands.

  Billie’s blood.

  I unbuttoned the top of my shirt, everything feeling so goddamn tight. “After the trial, my parents packed up the house, and we moved to the West Coast.”

  It was insignificant that the results of my blood work had been read in court, proving there had been no substances in my body. Or that I was declared innocent, and the charges were dropped. Portland didn’t forgive me, and the town didn’t want us there anymore. That was the reason we’d left.

  “Since my name was in every paper in New England and news channels across the country carried the story, there was only one way to keep it from following me.”

  “You changed your name.” Her tone was sharper than before.

  I nodded, and then I paused, deciding to admit something I hadn’t intended. “I heard little things about you over the years—the time you’d broken the state record at your swim meet, the graduation announcement that was published in the paper. Nothing substantial, just enough to know you were …”

  “Alive.”

  “Yes.” I felt the sweat begin to drip to my chest. “And then, a few years ago, I don’t know what the hell made me do it, but I typed your name into one of the social media sites, and your profile came up. I guess I just needed to see if you were moving forward. That you were living, not just surviving. It was selfish of me; I know that, but I saw how well you were doing and how you were building this incredible business.”

  She groaned and moved over to the small table by the window. Grabbing a handful of tissues out of the box, she wiped her face.

  “When my buddy decided to open an Italian restaurant that I knew had all the potential in the world, I thought of you. I’d seen the success you had brought other restaurants, and I knew you would be a good fit for his.”

  Her eyes widened, and she was still patting the tissues underneath them as I saw her piece all of this together. “My God, that was you. Basil’s in San Francisco.”

  I nodded. “Marcus is the owner, but you’ve been speaking to me, and I purchased our plane tickets.”

  Her silence was almost as powerful as the sharpness she had used before, and she finally broke it with, “I don’t understand why you wanted me to come to California. Hire me to help your friend, fine. I get that part, sorta.” She shook her head, her stare deepening. “But to join me on the plane in the very next seat? Do you know how fucking crazy that is? That makes no sense to me at all.”

  It made perfect sense to me.

  I was walking again, her eyes on me like I was slithering toward her, but I was returning to the couch. “Your pictures weren’t enough. I had to see your happiness with my own eyes. I had to know you were really living. I know how fucking selfish that sounds, but that’s why I did it, why I did the whole thing.”

  Her lips quivered, and I was sure mine were doing the same.

  “But, Jesus, Billie, it wasn’t supposed to go any further. The plane wasn’t supposed to go down. I wasn’t supposed to have to protect you. I wasn’t supposed to be tethered to you by another goddamn crash.”

  While my chest panted, I thought of the details I had left out. The darkness, the sleepless nights. The way the accident had been tormenting me every day since it happened.

  She didn’t need to hear any of that.

  During the pause, I watched the emotion build across her face, the tears dripping faster than before.

  I was doing everything I could to stop myself from going to her, which was why when she asked, “Why did you let us happen, Jared?” I wasn’t ready for it.

  I cleared my throat, trying to push the burning away, trying to clear my voice so she could really understand me. “I fought for as long as I could; you need to know that. That’s why I left the night of the gala and why it took that long for anything to happen between us.” I rubbed my palms across my eyes, feeling how fucking wet they were. “I didn’t plan this, Billie. I certainly didn’t plan on falling in love with you.”

  “Oh my God … I can’t.” She pushed away from the wall and went to the other side of the living room where she paced the small space.

  When she finally looked up, I saw all the different paths the tears had taken when they dripped down her cheeks.

  “Were you ever going to tell me?” She sucked in a breath, and my throat clenched. “Or were you just going to promise me forever, knowing damn well that was a lie?”

  I tightened my hands together, and I tried to inhale. And at the same time, I tried to stop the feelings that were pelting against the inside of my chest. “I knew once you found out, I would lose you.”

  She paused long enough for her eyes to narrow and said, “This is fucked!” She took a few more paces. “So fucked!”

  I ran my hand over my beard, feeling the wetness that had fallen in there.

  I knew this made it all even worse, that I was even more of an asshole to say it, but I needed her to hear the last bit of truth. I took every emotion that was bursting through me, and I gave it to her, hoping it would help her forgive me. “Billie, in all these years, I’ve never loved anyone … before you.”

  Billie

  “Fuck!” I shouted, walking away from the wall, staring at Jared by the couch.

  He was telling me I was the first woman he ever loved in the same conversation that he admitted to lying, concealing his identity because he had known he would lose me.

  And he was right.

  “I hate you for putting us here.” I squeezed the messy bun on top of my head, trying to make sense of my thoughts. “For making me face this situation and for being so goddamn selfish.” I stared at him, every inch of me screaming, all for different reasons. “For making me fall in love with you.” I balled my fingers into fists, my tears dripping onto my shirt. “For destroying my entire family.”

  I took several more steps and then moved back to the windows, retracing the same route again. The pacing eased nothing. My emotions were building even stronger instead. And when I finally turned to him, I saw how red and watery his eyes were. Part of me was pleased, and the other part wanted to wipe them. It was the biggest mindfuck.

  “You lied to me,” I whispered, keeping my hands where they belonged.

  “I had to.”

  “That’s bullshit.” My fingers moved to my heart. It was beating so fast, aching like it had been punched. “I had every right to know who you really were, and you had no right to keep that from me.”

  My palm flattened, my fingertips spreading to my throat. It was getting harder to swallow, and I was hoping like hell the pressure would help it.

  “I agree, Billie. But I just wanted to protect you.”

  “Jared, I wasn’t yours to protect.” There was so much emotion in my throat; even my voice was quivering. “Isn’t it ironic how the person I really needed to be guarded from this entire time was you? You destroy everything you come into contact with.”

  I opened my mouth, and when I tried to take in air, I yelped. My hand went over my lips, and I could barely grip my face, as it was so wet from the tears.

  “It was an accident,” he said, making sure I heard him. “I was only seventeen years old. I didn’t drink or do drugs. I fell asleep at the wheel, and it turned out to be the biggest mistake of my life.” His voice softened. “I live with that guilt every second of the day.”

  With my hand still over my mouth, my nose flaring as I tried to fill my lungs, my heart broke all over again. Because in that moment, I knew it was over between us.

  I’d known before he even walked in the door, but it was clearer now that I saw the guilt on his face, and I finally knew the reason for it.

  It would never go away. Never dim. It would be there every time he looked at me.

  For the rest of our lives.

  His wounds were just too thick.

  Like mine.

  Jared couldn’t be the hero who had protected me from the crash and the man who had killed half of my fa
mily.

  It was either one or the other.

  I had to make a choice.

  “I know it was an accident, but I …” My lips trembled as my chest heaved, the pain there becoming excruciating. “I can’t forgive what you did to my mother and brother.” It felt like my jaw was locking together, and I had to unglue it. “I can’t see you anymore. I can’t have you in my life. I can’t … I fucking can’t.” I hiccuped, air coming in far too fast now. I shook my head, trying to calm myself down. “It’s over, Jared. You have to get out of my apartment.”

  “Billie … I’m sorry.”

  “It doesn’t matter. Go.”

  “I’m so fucking sorry.” He stood, his hands grinding into his temples, his eyes pleading with mine. “If I could take that night back, I would. It’s haunted me since the moment it happened.” He swallowed, and I saw a tremble in his throat. “And I feel it every single time I look at you.”

  “You lied to me,” I reminded him, making sure he didn’t expect any sympathy. “And now, you’re going to lose me.” When my belly began to churn, I put one arm around it and used the other to point at the door. “It’s time for you to go.”

  “Billie, please.”

  “You didn’t give me a choice when you put us on that plane together.” I didn’t know if it was anger or sadness coming through, but I felt so much of both. “Give me one now and respect what I’m asking.”

  His mouth closed, and his hands stayed planted on his head.

  He stared at me for several seconds, and it was the longest pause of my entire life. I felt every beat, every emotion. I was still fighting with myself—half of me wanting to tell him to run, the other half wanting to tell him to hold me because I ached so badly that I thought I was going to collapse.

  “Get the hell out, Jared!”

  He came closer, and my entire body tensed. My arm tightened around my stomach. I shook from trying to hold in my sobs. When I went to tell him to stop right where he was, he halted just feet away.

  And then he whispered, “Good-bye, Billie.”

  This was the strongest I’d felt his presence all night. The first time I was able to smell him. Where I could extend my arm forward without even bending my body and touch his chest.

  And with this distance came a whole new set of emotions.

  Ones I had absolutely no idea what to do with.

  But the closeness only lasted a second, giving me a tiny taste of what it felt like to be near Jared Morgan. Then, he walked to my front door, and I heard it shut, the automatic lock clicking into place.

  Now that I knew he was really gone, I inhaled, and I felt a mix of so many sensations I’d never experienced before. My hands covered my face. My body contracted. My breath shuddered as the cries worked through me.

  It hurt.

  My God, did it hurt, and I crawled to the couch and wrapped a blanket over me. I didn’t know how long I stayed there and shook or the amount of time it took for my breath to return. But when I finally had it under control, I took my phone out of my back pocket, and I called Ally.

  “Are you okay?”

  “No.”

  “Is he gone?”

  My voice wasn’t even recognizable anymore. “Yes.”

  “Tell me everything.”

  I saw the entire night replay in my head—every expression and emotion on Jared’s face, every goddamn apology. And then I saw his back as he’d headed for my door.

  That wasn’t the worst of it.

  There was one image my brain liked to show me the most, and that was the picture of the young boy who had killed two members of my family.

  “I can’t,” I croaked. “I will, just not right now.”

  “Oh, baby girl.”

  I pulled the blanket up and tucked it under my chin. “I don’t know that I’ve ever hurt this badly.”

  “That’s because you love him.”

  The tears had been at bay for the last few minutes. Now, they were streaming as fast as before. “Ally …” My chest tightened to the point where nothing was going in or out. “I don’t think I can breathe.”

  “I’ll be there in fifteen minutes,” she said, and I heard her moving through her apartment. “We’ll get through this, I promise.”

  Jared

  Me: I’m so fucking sorry.

  Me: I never should have lied to you.

  Me: I miss you.

  Jared

  I came in from outside and went to the kitchen. After grabbing two tumblers and dropping a few ice cubes into each, I filled them with whiskey and brought them out onto the balcony. Brandon was sitting on the couch, and I handed him his drink and took the chair beside him.

  It had been two weeks since we were in New York, hitting the road the morning after Billie kicked me out, and we hadn’t returned until a couple of hours ago. Since Brandon had retired from the SEALs, he worked as my personal trainer, and he traveled everywhere I went, so he’d been along for the ride.

  I’d told my assistant I wanted to be busy. I wanted my schedule so fucking full that I wouldn’t think about Billie.

  My assistant had promised me both.

  But after two weeks of failed attempts, I’d told her to fly us home. Billie was all I thought of, and I couldn’t take another second of it. Now that I was back in Manhattan, I just wanted to call the pilot and tell him to fuel up the plane again. If I was here, I wanted to be with her, and the fact that I couldn’t tore me the fuck apart.

  All I smelled in my condo was her buttercream scent.

  All I saw when I gazed around were images of all the times we’d made love in here and of the nights she had fallen asleep on the couch with her head on my lap and of the mornings we had cooked breakfast together in my kitchen.

  Fuck me.

  I lifted the glass to my lips before Brandon could try to cheers me, and I took a long drink. There wasn’t a goddamn thing worth celebrating right now.

  Once things between Billie and I had turned serious, I’d told Brandon the entire story. He was the only person in my world who knew the history of us. He had even recently met her.

  I heard the cubes hit his glass as he turned toward me, finally breaking the silence. “How long are we going to stay in town?”

  I stayed gazing ahead, my other hand gripping the armrest. “We’ll probably leave tomorrow. The day after that at the latest.”

  “If you keep bringing in all of this new business, you’re going to have to hire another office of agents.”

  Despite the fact that he was speaking the truth, his attempt at making me laugh didn’t work.

  It had been weeks since I made that sound.

  “Add that to the list along with finding me a new place to live.”

  “You don’t like it here anymore?”

  I shook my head, my fingers clenching the cushion so tightly that I could feel the wicker base underneath. “Every time I’m in there, I just see her.” I set the glass down and took out my phone, staring at the last message I’d sent her several days ago.

  “You still haven’t heard from her?”

  I wasn’t surprised he knew what I was looking at. “No.” I reached for the drink again and took a sip. “And I won’t. I know I deserve that, and I’ll keep saying it for the rest of my life, but damn it, it’s not getting easier.” I sucked a piece of ice into my mouth. “And you know what’s so fucking sad? Every time a text comes across my phone, I look at the screen and hope it’s her even though I know it won’t be.” I tossed my cell on the table beside me.

  “You knew this wouldn’t be easy, and you knew it would end this way.”

  “I know.”

  Things with Billie had turned into a giant game of dodgeball. I’d had to duck every time a question was asked that would reveal too much of who I was. I’d had to avoid meeting her father or any members of her family, which was so fucked up but my mind made sense of that too.

  But what that really meant was Billie didn’t know Casey at all. She had never met him. The pers
on she had fallen in love with was Jared.

  I got up from the chair and walked to the edge of the balcony. There was a metal railing that ran the entire width, and I hung my hands over it, crossing my fingers in the air. “I know what it feels like to not have her in my life.”

  “I’m sure it’s a hell of a lot better, having her in it.”

  “Isn’t that the fucking truth?”

  The more I glanced around, the more I felt the storm in the air. And I saw change everywhere I looked, even feeling it during each inhale. They were reminders I didn’t need. More places that were screaming out her absence as though my heart wasn’t feeling it enough already.

  Goddamn it, I would do anything to get Billie back.

  But the two things she wanted—her mother and her brother—were two things I’d never be able to give her.

  Jared

  Me: I just want you to forgive me.

  Billie: Maybe one day.

  Billie

  “Hey, Veronica,” I said to the barista who stood on the other side of the counter of the coffee shop I went to every morning.

  She smiled, her fingers circling a medium paper cup. “Your usual?”

  “Please.”

  Knowing the amount already, I got the cash out of my bag and handed it to her once she gave me the coffee. She returned my change, and I weaved past the line that had formed inside the small café. I was just getting closer to the door when I heard my name.

  I pulled the cup away from my lips, glancing up from the ground to see who had said it.

  If I hadn’t already swallowed the gulp of coffee, I would have choked. Because it was already down my throat, I stopped breathing instead.