The Wee Free Men

by Terry Pratchett

Page 28

 

  “Yes, or a sheep tick,” said Tiffany, thinking aloud.

  “What’re they?”

  “They’re insects that bite sheep and suck blood and don’t drop off until they’re full,” said Tiffany.

  “Yuck. I suppose that’s the kind of thing peasants have to know about,” said Roland. “I’m glad I don’t. I’ve seen through the doorways to one or two worlds. They wouldn’t let me out, though. We got potatoes from one, and fish from another. I think they frighten people into giving them stuff. Oh, and there was the world where the dromes come from. They laughed about that and said if I wanted to go in there, I was welcome. I didn’t! It’s all red, like a sunset. A great huge sun on the horizon, and a red sea that hardly moves, and red rocks, and long shadows. And those horrible creatures sitting on the rocks. They live off crabs and spidery things and little scribbity creatures. It was awful. There was this sort of ring of little claws and shells and bones around every one of them. ”

  “Who are they?” said Tiffany, who had noted the word peasants.

  “What do you mean?”

  “You keep talking about ‘they,’” said Tiffany. “Who do you mean? The people out there?”

  “Those? Most of them aren’t even real,” said Roland. “I mean the elves. The fairies. That’s who she’s queen of. Didn’t you know?”

  “I thought they were small!”

  “I think they can be any size they like,” said Roland. “They’re not exactly real. They’re like…dreams of themselves. They can be thin as air or solid as a rock. Sneebs says. ”

  “Sneebs?” said Tiffany. “Oh…the little man that just says sneebs but real words turn up in your head?”

  “Yes, that’s him. He’s been here for years. That’s how I knew about the time being wrong. Sneebs got back to his own world once, and it was all different. He was so miserable, he found another doorway and came straight back. ”

  “He came back?” said Tiffany, astonished.

  “He said it was better to belong where you don’t belong than not to belong where you used to belong, remembering when you used to belong there,” said Roland. “At least, I think that’s what he said. He said it’s not too bad here if you keep out of the Queen’s way. He says you can learn a lot. ”

  Tiffany looked back at the hunched figure of Sneebs, who was still watching the nut cracking. He didn’t look as though he was learning anything. He just looked like someone who’d been frightened for so long, it had become part of his life, like freckles.

  “But you mustn’t make the Queen angry,” said Roland. “I’ve seen what happens to people who make her angry. She sets the Bumblebee women on them. ”

  “Are you talking about those huge women with the tiny wings?”

  “Yes! They’ve vicious. And if the Queen gets really angry with someone, she just stares at them, and…they change. ”

  “Into what?”

  “Other things. I don’t want to have to draw you a picture. ” Roland shuddered. “And if I did, I’d need a lot of red and purple crayon. Then they get dragged off and left for the dromes. ” He shook his head. “Listen, dreams are real here. Really real. When you’re inside them you’re not…exactly here. The nightmares are real, too. You can die. ”

  This doesn’t feel real, Tiffany told herself. This feels like a dream. I could almost wake up from it.

  I must always remember what’s real.

  She looked down at her faded blue dress, with the bad stitching around the hem caused by it being let out and taken in as its various owners had grown. That was real.

  And she was real. Cheese was real. Somewhere not far away was a world of green turf under a blue sky, and that was real.

  The Nac Mac Feegle were real, and once again she wished they were here. There was something about the way they shouted “Crivens!” and attacked everything in sight that was so very comforting.

  Roland was probably real.

  Almost everything else was really a dream, in a robber world that lived off the real worlds and where time nearly stood still and horrible things could happen at any moment. I don’t want to know anything more about it, she decided. I just want to get my brother and go home, while I’m still angry.

  Because when I stop being angry, that’ll be the time to get frightened again, and I’ll be really frightened this time. Too frightened to think. As frightened as Sneebs. And I must think….

  “The first dream I fell into was like one of mine,” she said. “I’ve had dreams where I wake up and I’m still asleep. But the ballroom, I’ve never—”

  “Oh, that was one of mine,” said Roland. “From when I was young. I woke up one night and went down to the big hall and there were all these people with masks on, dancing. It was just so…bright. ” He looked wistful for a moment. “That was when my mother was still alive. ”

  “This one’s a picture from a book I’ve got,” said Tiffany. “She must have got that from me—”

  “No, she often uses it,” said Roland. “She likes it. She picks up dreams from everywhere. She collects them. ”

  Tiffany stood and picked up the frying pan again. “I’m going to see the Queen,” she said.

  “Don’t,” said Roland. “You’re the only other real person here except Sneebs, and he’s not very good company. ”

  “I’m going to get my brother and go home,” said Tiffany flatly.

  “I’m not going to come with you, then,” said Roland. “I don’t want to see what she turns you into. ”

  Tiffany stepped out into the heavy, shadowless light and followed the path up the slope. Giant grasses arched overhead. Here and there more strangely dressed, strangely shaped people turned to watch her but then acted as though she was just a passing wanderer, of no interest whatsoever.

  She glanced behind her. In the distance the nut cracker had found a bigger hammer and was getting ready to strike.

  “Wanna wanna wanna sweetie!”

  Tiffany’s head shot around like a weathercock in a tornado. She ran along the path, head down, ready to swing the pan at anything that stood in her way, and burst through a clump of grass into a space lined with daisies. It could well have been a bower. She didn’t bother to check.

  Wentworth was sitting on a large, flat stone, surrounded by sweets. Many of them were bigger than he was. Smaller ones were in piles, large ones lay like logs. And they were in every color sweets can be, such as Not-Really-Raspberry Red, Fake-Lemon Yellow, Curiously-Chemical Orange, Some-Kind-of-Acidy Green, and Who-Knows-What Blue.

  Tears were falling off his chin in blobs. Since they were landing among the sweets, serious stickiness was already taking place.

  Wentworth howled. His mouth was a big red tunnel with the wobbly thing that no one knows the name of bouncing up and down in the back of his throat. He stopped crying only when it was time to either breathe in or die, and even then it was only for one huge sucking moment before the howl came back again.

  Tiffany knew what the problem was immediately. She’d seen it before, at birthday parties. Her brother was suffering from tragic sweet deprivation. Yes, he was surrounded by sweets. But the moment he took any sweet at all, said his sugar-addled brain, that meant he was not taking all the rest. And there were so many sweets he’d never be able to eat them all. It was too much to cope with. The only solution was to burst into tears.

  The only solution at home was to put a bucket over his head until he calmed down, and to take almost all the sweets away. He could deal with a few handfuls at a time.

  Tiffany dropped the pan and swept him up in her arms. “It’s Tiffy,” she whispered. “And we’re going home. ”

  And this is where I meet the Queen, she thought. But there was no scream of rage, no explosion of magic…nothing.

  There was just the buzz of bees in the distance, and the sound of wind in the grass, and the gulping of Wentworth, who was too shocked to cry.

  She could see now that the far side of the bowe
r contained a couch of leaves, surrounded by hanging flowers. But there was no one there.

  “That’s because I’m behind you,” said the voice of the Queen in her ear.

  Tiffany turned around quickly.

  There was no one there.

  “Still behind you,” said the Queen. “This is my world, child. You’ll never be as fast as me, or as clever as me. Why are you trying to take my boy away?”

  “He isn’t yours! He’s ours!” said Tiffany.

  “You never loved him. You have a heart like a little snowball. I can see it. ”

  Tiffany’s forehead wrinkled. “Love?” she said. “What’s that got to do with it? He’s my brother! My brother!”

  “Yes, that’s a very witchy thing, isn’t it,” said the voice of the Queen. “Selfishness? Mine, mine, mine? All a witch cares about is what’s hers. ”

  “You stole him!”

  “Stole? You mean you thought you owned him?”

  Tiffany’s Second Thoughts said: She’s finding your weaknesses. Don’t listen to her.

  “Ah, you have Second Thoughts,” said the Queen. “I expect you think that makes you very witchy, do you?”

  “Why won’t you let me see you?” said Tiffany. “Are you frightened?”

  “Frightened?” said the voice of the Queen. “Of something like you?”

  And the Queen was there, in front of her. She was much taller than Tiffany, but just as slim; her hair was long and black, her face pale, her lips cherry red, her dress black and white and red. And it was all, very slightly, wrong.

  Tiffany’s Second Thoughts said: It’s because she’s perfect. Completely perfect. Like a doll. No one real is as perfect as that.

  “That’s not you,” said Tiffany, with absolute certainty. “That’s just your dream of you. That’s not you at all. ”

  The Queen’s smile disappeared for a moment and came back all edgy and brittle.

  “Such rudeness, and you hardly know me,” she said, sitting down on the leafy seat. She patted the space beside her.

  “Do sit down,” she said. “Standing there like that is so confrontational. I will put your bad manners down to simple disorientation. ” She gave Tiffany a beautiful smile.

  Look at the way her eyes move, said Tiffany’s Second Thoughts. I don’t think she’s using them to see you with. They’re just beautiful ornaments.

  “You have invaded my home, killed some of my creatures, and generally acted in a mean and despicable way,” said the Queen. “This offends me. However, I understand that you have been badly led by disruptive elements—”

  “You stole my brother,” said Tiffany, holding Wentworth tightly. “You steal all sorts of things. ” But her voice sounded weak and tinny in her ears.

  “He was wandering around lost,” said the Queen calmly. “I brought him home and comforted him. ”