Towing Jehovah

by James Morrow

  And here I’d always thought DeMille was afraid of controversy.

  MOSES:

  One ballsy mogul, Marty.

  The screen goes blank.

  INTERVIEWER:

  After the giving of the Law, The Ten Commandments jumps rather abruptly to the Children of Israel entering the Promised Land.

  MOSES:

  Forty years of wandering in the wilderness, and poor Mr. DeMille had to edit out thirty-nine of them. The Book of Numbers ended up on the cutting room floor.

  INTERVIEWER:

  He actually filmed those episodes?

  MOSES:

  (nodding) The Lord giving my sister leprosy, causing the earth to swallow up Dathan, striking down the Israelites who disparaged Canaan, firebombing the ones who complained at Hormah, sending serpents against those who grumbled on the road from Mount Hor, visiting a plague on everybody who backslid at Peor…

  INTERVIEWER:

  Damn theater chains. They think they own the world.

  MOSES:

  I especially hated to lose that stirring speech I made to my generals following the subjugation of the Midianites.

  INTERVIEWER:

  Would you like to deliver it now, for the record?

  MOSES:

  Sure would, Marty. Ready? Here goes. Numbers 31:15–18. (clears throat) Why have you spared the life of all the women? These were the very ones who perverted the sons of Israel! Kill all the male children! Kill also all the women who have slept with a man! Spare the lives only of the young girls who have not slept with a man, and take them for yourselves!

  INTERVIEWER:

  DO you suppose we’ll ever see the version of The Ten Commandments that Mr. DeMille intended?

  MOSES:

  Only yesterday I was talking to some nice folks down at the National Endowment for the Arts. They’re willing to kick in three million for a restoration.

  INTERVIEWER:

  A worthy cause.

  MOSES:

  The worthiest, Marty. Believe me, there’s justice in this old world. You simply have to wait for it.

  Curtain.