Managing Expectations

by Erin R Flynn

  “I’m trying to put that behind me.”

  “I know, and I think that’s admirable. I struggled with Iolas not telling you more, but he told me he did too. He said after realizing how badly things had gone with finding Neldor and what Faerie had been doing to you, if someone pulled the rug out from under you again, you might run forever. Or quit and walk into the darkness. He was—is truly scared you might do that.”

  I sighed. “No, I wouldn’t ever do that. It would hurt too many people for me to even consider it.”

  “He picked up images and—Taeral’s sister too.”

  “They misunderstand them,” I muttered. “I could never walk into that darkness for the simple fact it terrifies me, Lageos. From the moment I first saw it, I’ve had nightmares about it and being dragged into it. It’s tortured me. Knowing something so bad happened and I didn’t know what to do, who to trust, or how to fix any of it ate at me. That’s why I screamed so much when you came out of it.”

  “I thought your reaction was a bit much, even with what you’ve told me.”

  I sighed again. “It was constant. Three or four times a week, I would wake sweaty from nightmares of being dragged into that darkness. It’s like somehow I knew people were trapped in it and waiting for me. I didn’t know that then really but… I mean, maybe I did. I don’t know.”

  He was quiet several minutes. “What were you writing your mother then?”

  I shrugged. “It’s kind of become a journal of what’s going on. I don’t know, like you keep saying you’re going to tell her stuff. I was just telling her about Iolas being at Artemis and all the crazy that’s generated.”

  “So the images they’ve seen were you thinking of your nightmares?” he asked after a couple more minutes of quiet.

  It took me a moment to realize we were back to the first topic. Talking to Lageos was like that. His mind was… Different. I honestly thought it was like two or three computers running at the same time. It wasn’t ADD or like talking with people who got distracted easily. No, it was that he was so focused and mulled over everything in detail that he wanted to get it right.

  He simply processed it all faster than most and didn’t waste time, so continued on to other things until he was ready. And then would hop back. It was actually fascinating, and I wondered what it would have been like to see him interact with his siblings.

  My extended family. It was a shame I never could. I wouldn’t ever know about them or where they’d come from. How or why they’d faded.

  But that was something to deal with another time when I didn’t have so much already. I didn’t foresee a time that would change but yeah, I could push that one back.

  “Seeing the darkness, or how it still lies over fairies when I got to wake them up, sometimes makes me think of my nightmares. They’re just not catching the depth of what they’re seeing or hearing.” That made me think of something Iolas had said and I glanced at Lageos.

  “They can get very little from you, even with how much older they are, so I don’t doubt they didn’t get it correct. Taeral said even his sister was vastly impressed with your mental shielding since you’ve barely had any training. You rarely let anything out into the universe of your thoughts that even they can catch, normally only when you’re upset or distracted.”

  “Ahhh, which means the darkness, so it’s about all they’ve been getting. I’d be worried too.” I wrapped my arms around my knees. “It’s honestly nice they are worried. Taeral’s sister couldn’t really give a shit I’m the heir, but she was a leader in the opposition to the war and all the bullshit about keeping light and dark apart.”

  “Hmm, yes, she’s a rare one that can see past the pain and realize one light fairy killing one of their family in war doesn’t make everything light versus dark. But you understand how pain isn’t rational.”

  “I do.”

  He held up the journal. “Your mother would never be upset with you for getting angry with her. I never want you to worry about that. She would understand. She understood… Too much. You’re like her in that way. You forgive a bit too easily.”

  “It depends.” I shrugged. “People have to want to be forgiven. Not making the same mistakes helps. I had a lot harder time forgiving Hudson for something that maybe wasn’t as big of a deal to most because it was something he kept doing. The line between pushover and bitch isn’t all that broad for women. And other women are the harshest judges.”

  “You’re not wrong, and everyone gauges off their own experiences and teachings. I’ve seen so many years of women being told to forgive easier than men and forgiving men what they shouldn’t simply because they were the weaker sex that—I was supposed to have time to learn to be a parent while you were baby. You’re grown and I’m terrified. Life is horrible for women, and I can’t protect you from that.”

  “Yeah, but I wouldn’t have turned out to be me if you could or had. I’ve struggled with the same thing.”

  “True, but I will protect you from as much as I can.”

  “I believe that. There’s not much I believe in completely, but from the moment I settled down—and stopped fainting—I knew down to my core that you would protect me from Hades himself if it came to that.”

  “Thank you,” he whispered. “I know that was uncomfortable for you today, and you did it for me. Thank you. I’m struggling too, which I don’t think I’m supposed to admit as the parent, but I am. It’s nice we at least have that as a starting point.”

  “And we both care the other is struggling,” I offered, nodding when I felt his eyes on me. “You lost the love of your life. My heart bleeds for you that you were stuck in that darkness for decades. I know you’re struggling.” I cleared my throat. “We see it in our own.”

  “You are so much stronger than you even realize, my daughter,” he breathed, before moving his arm around me. He seemed surprised I accepted the affection and comfort, but we were to that point and it felt nice.

  I had a dad and he wanted to hug me, liked me enough to care about me. It was enough to bring tears to my eyes. “So what brought you to find me?”

  He chuckled. “You’re getting much better at blocking everyone. Even your mate couldn’t track you this time. They were all upset and in a flurry you were unprotected again.”

  I almost made a comment I had been the majority of my life, but that injured him, even if it wasn’t his fault. “They shouldn’t hover and be such pains then.”

  “I agree. And you should always keep them on their toes.” He was quiet again. “But why did you really take off?”

  “I’m used to being on my own, Lageos. It’s been hard to have guards and someone always checking on me. Zack and Ray weren’t bossy and really blended, so that helped. Iolas is always around now, and he’s incapable of not comparing me to Queen Meira—my…”

  “Why do you have such a hard time saying it? She loved you so, so much.”

  “Meira was my mother—is—whatever.”

  He hugged me to him. “You’re struggling with the queen part, not her. You aren’t ready to accept what seems crazy to you and you’re a princess and certainly not your fate of being heir.”

  “I don’t believe in fate,” I whispered, not much conviction in my voice. “I make my fate, and I’ll decide if I’ll take the job, no one else.”

  “Damn right.” He kissed my hair. “I’m glad we talked on this. I-I cannot be objective about Meira. Clearly. I was worried… I’m not really sure. You seem to have no interest in her or even what she looked like.”

  “That’s not true. I looked it up,” I muttered. “I simply can’t go to the castle or deal with all that yet. I know they worked to push back the darkness there to access the royal library, but I just can’t.”

  “Then don’t.” He didn’t say anything for several minutes again. “I didn’t believe in fate either. I thought so much of everything was a fluke and the god’s children who did things with their power and enjoyed the show. Much like their humans with their reality
TV. They set the stage and put in the actors they think will give entertainment and sit back with popcorn. That is what I thought of the gods.”

  “I could see that with how you and your siblings had more questions than answers.”

  “But then I met your mother. I already told you how we met and what I felt when I saw her again later when she’d become a woman. But she was the one who knew we were mates later.”

  “Later? I was able to do that thing with Julian and—”

  “Yes, and fairies can do that any time after they become an adult or adult-ish. Most wouldn’t consider seventeen remotely an adult now, but it used to be, and it’s enough to get into major trouble, so it counts. But fairies can sense their mates after their wings grow and they receive that huge blast of magic from it.”

  “I didn’t know there was a big blast of magic,” I muttered.

  He sighed. “Your tutoring needs to be more of a priority. It’s dangerous for you not to know what you should. I will think of the appropriate teacher who will start at the beginning and not mansplain things to you. You’re not an idiot. You were denied what you should have had.”

  “Yeah, it’s time to get better in the loop,” I agreed, scrubbing my hands over my legs. “So she got her wings and sensed you?”

  “No, she did it earlier, as her bloodline is the most powerful bloodline in all of Faerie.” He chuckled when I snorted. “Yes, Neldor would obviously object to that, but his mother sold her soul and gave her life to cast that darkness and curse. Your mother gave her life, her blood, but not her soul. She was more powerful to counter it, even if the devastation was still vast.”

  “Could she have if she’d given her soul?” I wondered.

  “Could you have asked that of her?”

  I snorted. “No. That’s so far over the line, it’s not even funny. But you know someone will. People are assholes and greedy, and they’ll say one soul versus millions of fairies being frozen for decades is worth it.”

  “Then they can give their souls to save others,” he growled.

  Exactly. It was easy to make that claim when it was someone else. People signed each other up for stuff all the time… But not themselves. Until they did, they should just shut it.

  “I was so deeply in love with her, but when she told me it was meant to be and fate, even I wanted to pull away. I didn’t believe in fate or mates or any of it.”

  “Her love made you change your mind?” I teased, thinking it actually a truly sweet story.

  “No, her magic. When we tied our lifelines, mated our souls, I picked up some of her magic and her mine, just as you and Julian have and will. One of the gems I got was being able to see the strings of fate. I can see mates if I want to.”

  I opened my mouth and then closed it, trying a few more times before blowing a raspberry. “That is one fucking heavy gift, Lageos. Don’t give me that one. Teleporting is enough of a mindfuck.”

  He laughed so loud, it echoed and was almost deafening.

  “You think I’m kidding, but seriously, keep that shit to yourself.” I rolled my eyes when I set him off all over again. Well, at least my dad found me amusing. That was nice that we had the same type of humor.

  Dark and twisted.

  “I can’t help it if you develop that ability, nor give it to you. I’m telling you so you understand something that I know weighs heavily on you.” He waited until I glanced at him. “I’ve spent decades seeing mating bonds form and break. People talk of it like it’s a done deal, and it’s not. It’s a chance. It’s a… You cut in line at Disneyland because you got a pass, right?”

  “Yeah.”

  “It’s like that. It’s a pass when much of life makes it hard to see what you might otherwise be blind to.”

  I mulled that several moments. “It seems cruel not to give that to the humans who live such shorter lives.”

  He snorted. “You think humans would be able to handle that? I’m a fan of humans, don’t get me wrong, but they rebel against everything. It’s just who they are. They fight for their ‘freedoms’ and don’t care who’s they trample over to get what they want. They rarely see the truth of anything right in front of their faces. All they do is fight and miss what’s important and waste their short lives.”

  “Yeah, you sound a real fan there,” I drawled.

  “In general, they’re twits. So are vampires. So are witches and warlocks, but in other ways.” He kissed my hair when I went to object. “Then, there are miracles who write beautiful music, and the twits stop being lost in their heads and appreciate something beautiful. Tragedy happens, and the twits snap out of it and give compassion. There cannot be beauty without ugly.”

  “Fair. Yeah, that’s fair.”

  “And I root for humans every day. They have so much potential. My heart aches when they waste it, but I understand how crippling fear can be. If they could see the bigger picture more often, they would thrive.”

  I nodded, having seen so much darkness that had huge ripples. If people cared just a bit more at times, took on one fight, even when they were tired, all those acts and goodness added up fast. Plus, it kept fewer dark ripples in the world.

  And that could make all the difference for the future.

  “If you ever admit this, I will deny it, and my opinion might change,” he hedged. “But I like Darby best of all your suitors.”

  I could not hide my shock on that. I would have thought he’d be like all the fairies and push for me to get rid of the vampire.

  And they weren’t subtle about it. Well, some of them. Others liked him.

  I, of course, loved I knew all of this or they thought they got a vote… But I wanted to hear Lageos’s, which he seemed to be relieved he could sense that from me.

  “He’s the most constant. I know you’ve had issues, like when he tasted your blood, but that was neither of your fault. Then, his family, which also wasn’t either of your fault. This last one about him siding with Melody—I agree it triggered him. He gets almost panicked when the topic is brought up, and he thinks he’s missed something. I don’t think he even understands the thought process, but it does.”

  I nodded again. “I’ve had stuff like that happen to me. I get it.”

  “Good, because he beats himself up relentlessly how he treated you and wasn’t on your side. He truly loves you and would do anything for you. He’s constant and will be at your side always for whatever you need, however you need. You are his agra, his beloved, and he never takes that for granted.”

  I sighed. “I believe that, but he gets so locked up about us not being mates or—”

  “You could be.” He nodded when I looked at him. “That’s why I’m telling you this. I see the bonds if I want. Fated mates is like seeing the start of a bridge forming when people are near each other. Yes, I can follow the string of fate to the other half, but when they’re near, that’s what I see. That can grow between people naturally, Tamsin. That’s what love is and you have that with Darby.

  “You have those starter bridges. You’ve made them or maybe they were there, but vampires aren’t given glaring beacons. I don’t know if fairies can check with vampires because of the issues there. I’m trying to tell you that it doesn’t matter. Your love is all that matters. Not what others say or the ranking of the bond by fate or anything else. You and him. That’s it.”

  “I know. I just don’t know how to tell him that. I don’t know how to get him to understand that’s how I truly feel and I could give a flying fuck the others are my mates like that. I won’t stay just because of that if things won’t work. I won’t leave Darby because of a dozen mates fate says I should have. I love him. I want him in my life and maybe forever. That’s all I care about.”

  “Me too, agra,” Darby rasped from behind me.

  I blinked over my shoulder at him and then at Lageos.

  He simply shrugged before letting me go. “I meddled. I’m not the best at it, but your love and bond is there, and you both struggle with this. You shou
ldn’t. You have enough to constantly deal with. It was an easy fix.” He waved the journal at me. “Thank you for trusting me with this. I’ll let the others know you are fine.”

  And then he was gone, leaving me to deal with… I wasn’t really sure.

  “How long have you been there?”

  Darby let out a long sigh. “He teleported me here when he told you his power. And getting teleported is a fucking trip and holy shit, can people not find out he has that power or that is all he’ll be doing.”

  I hadn’t even thought of that. Shit, yeah, that would be bad. He’d become the cupid of the supe world and people would run him into the ground. “Yeah, the teleporting thing is…”

  “I didn’t know you were doing it,” he said gently as he came and sat next to me.

  “I don’t want to talk about it yet,” I whispered.

  He held out his arm to me. “Lock it away, please. I’m glad I know because I want to know what you’re going through, but we need to keep you safe.”

  I nodded, updating his magical tat, and leaning my head on his shoulder. “Thanks for not pushing.”

  “You have too much stress for anyone to ever harp on you.” He hugged me to him. “I love you so much, Tamsin. Lageos is right that I struggle with not being your mate.”

  “Did what he said help?”

  “Yes, but what you said helped even more. I think I can get a grip on this now.”

  Good. That was really, really good because we had too much constantly being thrown at us for him to ever worry about something I never did.

  “I don’t care what the fairies say, Darby. I don’t. Please hear me on this. I don’t care it would be a PR whatever if the heir or queen has a vampire mate. I will walk. There is no compromise here for me. I love you. They don’t even like me if they could ask something so unthinkable of me. You came first before all of this and learning my birth.

  “You’re the only reason I made it here or to free them. If they can’t see how much I need you, how you’re on their side and fighting for what’s right… I don’t want to be their princess or heir. And not just because of you. They won’t accept me either and will try to change me. If they think their opinions should have such weight with me instead of what I want or need, it’s never going to work and I’m out.”