Invisible

by Jeanne Bannon

  I slide in beside him and our knees brush. The spunk in me comes up because I know he can’t feel my leg touching his, and so I stay close. My whole body tingles. With exquisite slowness, I lift a hand to his hair and swear I can feel my fingers passing through his thick shaggy mane. He’s oblivious, still working on his story. Inching even closer, I settle my head on his shoulder and, with eyes closed, I inhale him. Contentment washes over me. I could stay like this forever.

  Jon screams and leaps away. His eyes round with what looks like fear.

  I jump, knocking my knee against the table. The slushie bounces, but doesn’t spill.

  “Where did you come from?” he hollers.

  Bile threatens to rise and I’m terrified I’m going to hurl. “I’m sorry,” I manage to say before running from the coffee shop. A moment later, Charlie’s sprinting up behind me, calling breathlessly for me to stop.

  I do and now I’m crying. What a fool I’ve made of myself. I had my head on his shoulder! I’ll never be able to face him again. But he sits right in front of me in homeroom. How will I escape that?

  Charlie pulls me into a hug. “I’m sorry. The whole thing was my fault. I’m so sorry.”

  “Can we keep going?” I say, wanting to put as much distance as I can between me and the place where I’ve just royally humiliated myself.

  “Sure. Why don’t we go to my house?” Charlie suggests. “My mom’s at work and we can talk.”

  Charlie lives with her mom in a small townhouse a couple blocks away from me. Her parents have been divorced for years, and I’ve only seen her dad a handful of times since then. Her mother works two jobs just to make ends meet. Charlie has a part-time job at the grocery store and helps out as much as she can, and more than likely she’ll have to get a full-time job after graduating high school. That really sucks for her. I know how much she wants to go to art school.

  We walk in silence, arm-in-arm. Nothing needs to be said. She’s my best friend and, right now, I just need to be with her.

  We settle in Charlie’s place, which is in the basement. The townhouse is a two bedroom, but Charlie has taken over the entire bottom level as her lair. She decorated it herself. There’s a bedroom area, a bathroom with a small shower, a living room complete with a love seat and a television and even a tiny refrigerator, but no kitchen.

  Three of the walls are painted red and one is black. Her artwork fills the entire back wall where her living room is. There are posters, mostly of heavy metal and grunge bands that give me the creeps, especially the ones of Marilyn Manson and Rob Zombie. Yuck! But Charlie loves them. Then there’s the poster of Megan Fox striking a sexy, pouty pose: that one I ignore and don’t ask questions about. Charlie is who Charlie is, and I love her no matter what.

  “Wanna soda?” she asks, opening the mini-fridge.

  “No thanks.” I plop dejected onto the love seat. “What have I done?” I lower my head into my hands.

  Charlie sits beside me and rubs my knee. “God, I feel awful. But I thought you were just going to have a peek over his shoulder and that was all. I didn’t think you’d …”

  “No, don’t say it.” I raise a hand to stop her. “Please, I just want to wash the memory away.”

  “Okay, okay, but it was kinda funny. You shoulda seen the look on his face.”

  My eyes meet hers reluctantly and I can’t help myself. I laugh.

  Soon, we’re both laughing so hard we’re doubled over.

  “Stop, stop,” I say between fits of laughter. My stomach muscles ache and tears roll down my cheeks. After what feels like a small forever, we settle down.

  “Oh God, I’m going to have to see him in homeroom tomorrow,” I say.

  A smile plays on Charlie’s lips as if she’s still trying to rein in her laughter, but when her eyes meet mine, she clears her throat and her expression becomes solemn. She taps a finger to her lips, as if considering my options. “Why not just pretend like it never happened?” she says finally.

  “Oh, come on!”

  “Maybe he’ll think it was his imagination.”

  I remember the day in the park when I vanished. I don’t think Jon actually saw me disappear, but the reality is, first I was there and then I was gone.

  “I doubt that. He’s gonna think I’m some kind of freak. And maybe I am.”

  “Don’t even say that. You’re not a freak. I think it’s so cool that you can disappear.” Charlie tilts her head in an attempt to catch my gaze. “Besides, I bet he doesn’t even bring it up. What’s he gonna say?”

  “Well, whether he brings it up or not, I don’t have much choice. I’ve got to go to school.”

  “It’s already the end of May, whatta we got, another four weeks? I think you can stick it out ’til then.” She offers a hopeful smile.

  “And then I’ll never see him again,” I say, and tears sting my eyes.

  Chapter Twelve

  I wake with a start. School today. The thought sends my heart off in a sprint and my stomach into flip-flops. I roll out of bed and grab my cellphone.

  I’m nervous, I text Charlie.

  A second later, she replies, Don’t worry, I’m here 4 u.

  It’s great to know my best friend will be by my side, but a knot of worry tightens in my belly and steals my appetite. I skip breakfast and wait for Charlie at the end of my street.

  When she arrives, we walk in silence. There’s nothing to say to make things better any way.

  Maple Ridge Secondary School looms menacingly ahead. My legs feel like they weigh a hundred pounds each, and with every step, I creep closer to the inevitable – my certain mortification.

  “Am I still here?” I ask.

  “Yeah,” Charlie answers. “Why? You feelin’ like you might wink out?”

  “I’m so friggin’ nervous. You never know.”

  “Try some deep breathing.”

  I do as she suggests, pulling in long, slow breaths and letting them out with controlled measure. Remarkably, I feel a little better.

  “Keep your head held high.” Charlie gives my hand a squeeze as we make our way through the front doors.

  I think I’m just being paranoid, but it feels like all eyes are on me, as Charlie and I walk to my locker. Maybe it has something to do with the fact I’m sucking in lung-fulls of air and looking like I’m about to faint.

  “Stay cool. You’ll make it through this,” she says, brushing my hand with a finger. “I have to go, but I’ll see you at lunch.”

  Charlie leaves but halfway down the hall turns and gives me a thumbs up. I smile half-heartedly, grab my books from my locker and hyperventilate all the way to class. The whole time, praying I don’t vanish.

  Homeroom never felt more ominous. Jon is here already. I slide into my seat as silently as a shadow. My eyes are glued to the back of his head in anticipation of movement.

  He turns.

  I jump.

  “How did you do that?” he asks excitedly. His eyes are wide and smiling.

  A slow ease washes over me and I return his smile. “Do what?” I ask, even though I know full well what he’s referring to.

  “Disappear,” he whispers and leans closer.

  I open my mouth to reply, but Mrs. Wright has walked in and throws a “time to stop chatting” look our way.

  “Can I sit with you at lunch?” he asks.

  I feel my cheeks flush and for a moment I’m terrified my heart will flutter. As nonchalantly as possible, I suck in a few deep breaths and manage to calm myself. The look on Jon’s face lets me know I’m still within the visible spectrum.

  “Sure,” I say, hoping he doesn’t hear the wobble in my voice. Both excitement and fear race through me.

  When class is finally over, I walk out as quickly as possible without breaking into a full run, so Jon won’t have time to ask any more questions. Thank God Charlie will be with me at lunch as a buffer.

  The rest of the morning passes much too quickly and, before I know it, the lunch bell rings. I wait for
Charlie at her locker instead of meeting her at our usual table in the cafeteria.

  Her familiar form heading down the hall brings a relieved smile to my lips.

  “How’d it go?” she asks.

  “Actually, pretty good.” Now my smile is huge. “He’s having lunch with us.”

  “What?”

  “He wants to know what happened and we couldn’t talk in class.”

  “So he wasn’t freaked out?”

  “No, he looked…” I pause, searching for the right word. “Fascinated.”

  “Wow. That’s great… I guess, but do you think you should tell him? I mean, look who he’s been hanging around with lately.”

  I exhale like I’ve been punched in the gut. Why didn’t I think of that?

  “We better go, he’ll be waiting,” I say. “I’ll play it by ear. If I don’t get a good vibe, I won’t say much.”

  “I don’t think you should say anything,” Charlie warns as we head to the cafeteria.

  More than anything, I want to explain myself to Jon. I don’t want him to think I’m a weirdo. But Charlie’s right. I have to be careful.

  Jon waves and smiles as we enter the cafeteria. I smile back and quicken my step, but Charlie catches my wrist and holds tight.

  “Be cool,” she whispers.

  We sit side by side across from Jon.

  “Hey,” Jon says, eyeing Charlie.

  She nods. Her lips remain a tight, thin line.

  Jon turns his attention to me. I can tell he wasn’t expecting Charlie to be with me.

  There’s an awkward silence as we fish out our respective lunches and start to eat.

  “So, um, you gonna tell me what happened yesterday?” Jon says finally, between bites.

  I set down my fork and push my leftover stir-fry aside. I’m too nervous to eat. I cast a quick glance at Charlie who’s watching Jon through narrowed eyes.

  “How can we trust you?” Charlie asks flatly. “You’re friends with those assholes.” She tips her head toward the rowdy table.

  “Oh, no, not really.” Jon throws his hands up to drive the point home. “My buddy Mark, you know Mark Granski? He moved away last month. I was trying to make new friends. You know how it is? I’ve known those guys since kindergarten. They’re not all that bad.”

  I try to put myself in Jon’s shoes and give him the benefit of the doubt. I hadn’t realized he was so tight with Mark and it makes sense that he would try to find new friends. But Nino and Tyler?

  “Ah, yeah, they are. They’re dickheads,” Charlie snarls.

  I throw her a look. She doesn’t have to be so mean right off the bat. Maybe he’s not friends with them any more. “You still hanging out with Nino and Tyler?” I ask tentatively.

  Jon clears his throat. His leg shakes up and down in a nervous bob that sends a tremor through the table. “Sort of.”

  “Don’t tell him shit.” Charlie crosses her arms.

  Red spots burn on his cheeks and he turns to Charlie. “You know what. This is between Lola and me.”

  The words were said out of anger, but I can’t help it. I love hearing him say “Lola and me.” A goofy smile crosses my lips.

  “What are you smiling about?” Charlie asks.

  With pleading eyes, I say in a harsh whisper, “Just let me tell him, please.”

  “It’s your funeral,” she replies and turns away.

  My head is telling me not to, but my heart is in the driver’s seat right now. And before I can stop myself, the words flow.

  Charlie gives her head a slow shake.

  I tell Jon everything.

  Chapter Thirteen

  Charlie scoots her chair out of the way, giving me center stage. Jon listens. His mouth hangs open like a gate on a busted hinge.

  No one interrupts and the words flow from me in a torrent. I try not to let emotion get in the way and just speak until there’s nothing left to say.

  “So, that’s it,” I say finally, but made sure to change the real reason for why Jon found me with my head resting on his shoulder. “Charlie dared me,” I said, which was partially true anyway.

  Jon’s frozen, eyes round with wonder and his jaw still lax.

  “You gonna say something, or are you just gonna sit there looking stupid?” Charlie asks.

  He snaps from his stupor with a shake of his head. “I know you’re telling the truth. I saw it with my own eyes,” he says, as if trying to convince himself.

  “Well, yeah,” Charlie snaps, “she’s telling the truth.”

  “You disappeared that day at the park too, didn’t you?” he asks, ignoring Charlie. “Wow, wow, wow. This is friggin’ crazy.” He slaps a palm on the table.

  I beam. I’ve impressed him.

  “But you can’t say anything to anyone, okay?” I give him my best pleading eyes and Charlie throws in a glare.

  “No! Of course not.” He crosses his heart.

  “Of course not what?” Nino says, clamping a hand on Jon’s shoulder.

  I jolt. He seemed to come out of nowhere.

  “Nothin’ man,” Jon says, wincing as Nino tightens his grip.

  “Bullshit! Spill.” Nino pulls out a chair and, to my horror, he sits with us at our table.

  I peer past him and see Tyler and Julia smiling at the unfolding scene.

  “Let’s go,” Charlie says, getting to her feet.

  “Yeah, why don’t you and your girlfriend get the hell outta here. No freaks allowed.” Nino’s lips twist into a cruel grin.

  My eyes fill with tears and heat spreads from my chest to my neck and into my cheeks.

  “Go on, ya fat dyke. Go with your girlfriend.”

  Charlie slams a fist to the table. “Asshole,” she snarls, grabs my wrist and pulls me away.

  I barely make it out of the cafeteria before the tears spill. Charlie shoulders open the front doors and suddenly we’re outside. The sun feels good and I breathe in fresh air while wiping my wet eyes with a shirtsleeve.

  “Same shit, different day,” Charlie says.

  “Then why am I not used to it yet?”

  We walk around to the other side of the school and settle under a large, old oak.

  “Don’t let Nino get to you. He’s a loser and a bully.” Then a smile sweeps across her face. “Think of our plan.”

  I try to find some delight in her words and in “the plan,” but Nino scares the shit out of me and I’m not so sure I can carry it out any more. It’s a great fantasy; a diversion and maybe that’s all it is. Nino’s won. He always wins. All the girls love him and all the guys want to hang with him. And what am I? I’m a pathetic slob who hates herself so much, I can actually make myself into what I, and everyone else thinks I am, an invisible nothing.

  “I think we should forget about it. I can’t pull it off,” I say. What was left of my confidence is now shattered.

  Charlie lurches forward and grabs my hands. “Don’t crap out on this. It’s our chance to get even.”

  “It’s not the right time to talk about this, Char.”

  “Okay, we’ll let it be for now, but I won’t let you back out.” She wags a finger and fixes me with a stern look.

  I nod, not wanting to argue. There’s something more important on my mind. “Why didn’t he leave?” I sigh.

  “Jon? I guess he’s an asshole too. I told you not to tell him anything.”

  My stomach twists around a knot of worry. Why did I trust him?

  “There you are.”

  I whip my head around at the sound of Jon’s voice.

  “Shit,” Charlie snarls under her breath.

  His eyes lock on mine. “I’m so sorry.”

  How do I respond? I could say “it’s okay” but it isn’t. Why didn’t he walk out when Charlie and I did? But he answers my thoughts before I have to put them into words.

  “He wouldn’t let go. I wanted to come with you guys, but Nino stopped me.”

  “If you wanted to come,” Charlie says, “you would have come. Don’t
give us that shit.”

  “No, really, I tried, but he grabbed me – put me in a headlock. Mr. Hollingsworth had to come to my rescue. Look.” He pulls his shirt down to reveal an angry red rash. “Bastard,” he mutters.

  Jon adjusts his collar and kneels beside me. “Are you okay?”

  I nod but for some reason the tears come again.

  “Please don’t cry.” His voice is soft and his eyes are kind. “Nino’s not worth it.”

  I’m not crying over Nino. I’m crying because Jon cares.

  The lunch bell rings. Jon helps me to my feet and I realize it’s the first time I’ve actually touched him, with my real body, not my invisible one. A little thrill rushes through me.

  “Thanks.”

  “You’re a really special girl,” he says. “I mean special in a good way,” he adds quickly and a blush mounts in his cheeks. His gaze falls to the ground. “You’re different from other girls.”

  Though Charlie is there beside us, for a moment it feels like we’re alone as we make our way back inside.

  “’Bye,” Charlie huffs and peels off in the direction of her next class.

  “See you after school,” I call after her and wave.

  Jon walks me to my locker. The whole time my heart pounds so hard I hear the blood whooshing in my ears. To stay grounded, I take deep breaths – in through the nose and out through my mouth.

  After I open my locker, I expect Jon to leave, but to my surprise and delight, he’s still here. He leans against the open door, wearing a goofy grin.

  “Do you want to go out sometime?”

  I freeze. My voice abandons me.

  My heart flutters.

  “Lola?”

  My pulse slows for a moment  I’m gone.

  Jon reaches out to the spot he saw me last and his hand passes through me. A jolt of energy jabs into me, like I’ve stuck my finger in a light socket.

  “Lola?” he whispers. “You there? It’s okay, I’ll just wait here ’til you come back.” His eyes dart furtively from one side to the other. He’s keeping watch for me; so no one will notice I’ve vanished.