Lost for Words

by Andrea Bramhall

  “What was she talking about, Jac?” Sophie demanded as Sasha continued to stand there, still deciding if she actually wanted to deal with it all right then.

  Vanessa stumbled closer and wrapped a hand around Jac’s elbow. “Sorry, you weren’t meant to hear that. I didn’t mean to make things awkward.”

  Jac whirled around to face her. The expression on her face totally stunned. “What the fuck are you talking about? You’re making something out of nothing! You—you—” Jac tore her arm from Vanessa’s grasp, knocking Sasha’s drink out of her hand and spilling her own as she did. “I was upset and crying in the editing suite.” She turned to face Sasha. “She hugged me while I cried. That’s it. She’s making it sound—”

  Holding up her hand, Sasha cut her off. “Fine. Please, just get her out of here, Jac. I can’t deal with this right now.” She brushed past them, intent on getting another brandy from the bar. Instead of one, she ordered two. Suddenly, the urge to get totally and utterly fucking pissed was climbing high up her to-do list.

  She heard the scuffle of bodies behind her as she knocked back the first glass of brandy, the alcohol burning her gullet before it warmed her belly. She hadn’t realised how cold she’d felt. No, cold wasn’t the right word. Numb. That was a better one. Angry whispers, and eventually the slamming of the door accompanied the second glass’s journey to join its predecessor, and Sasha felt herself begin to relax—just a little—for the first time in days.

  “Another?” Sophie asked.

  “Oh yeah.”

  “Maybe take a little water with this one.”

  “Nah.”

  “Then sip it, at least.”

  She picked up the glass as soon as the bartender set it in front of her, nodded her thanks to him, and turned to lean her back against the wood. “I’ll think about it.” She held the glass under her nose.

  “Jac wouldn’t have done anything—”

  “I know. I trust her.” She took a sip and savoured the warmth in her mouth. “I don’t trust Octo-Nessa, but I trust Jac. I’m sure she was upset; she has every right to be. She’s been so strong for me that she’s been holding all her own emotions in. I’m glad she was able to find a time to let go when she needed to.” She shrugged. “I’d have preferred it had been with you or Mags…or just about anyone else in the world, if I’m totally honest. But I don’t believe for a second it was anything other than Jac letting go of some of what we’ve been dealing with.” She smiled at Sophie. “Like I said earlier, I just can’t deal with Vanessa and her crap today. Not today. You know?”

  Sophie clinked her glass to Sasha’s. “Won’t have to anymore. The film’s done, and we can just get on with everything else life’s decided to throw at us.”

  Sasha snorted. “Right.”

  Sophie knocked back the rest of what looked and smelled like a shot of vodka and said, “You gonna be okay while I go and make sure Jac isn’t being arrested for murder?”

  Sasha nodded. “I know I should go out there with you but—”

  “I know, hon. Not today. Today, let me go and bury the body.”

  “Thanks.” Sasha hugged her tight. “You’re a really, really good friend, Soph.”

  “Remember that when I need bail money.”

  Sasha tittered and let her go. “Promise.”

  “What the fuck were you thinking?” Jac shouted at Vanessa when they exited the hall. “I mean seriously? She’s just buried her mother and you’re trying to do what? Split us up?”

  Vanessa had her arms folded over her chest. “I was just trying to be your friend, Jac. I was trying to offer you support like you needed the other night. That’s it. That’s all I said.”

  Jac heard footsteps behind her and turned to see Sophie and Mags step up to her side. “That might be what you said, but the way you said it—the implication you gave it—you were trying to make it sound like I’d done something wrong.”

  “Seeking the comfort of another woman’s arms during a difficult time could be construed that way, Jac. If you’re the jealous type like Sasha seems to be.”

  Jac stepped towards her, balling her hands into fists at her sides. “I did not seek you out. You came looking for me. You have been trying to needle your way back in since we started rehearsals. And I told you, from the very start, it wasn’t going to happen. I told you I wasn’t interested. I told you I was with someone else. But it didn’t stop. I avoided you, and you sought me out. You’ve tried to come between us, and now look what you’ve done!” She towered over Vanessa, spittle gathering at the corners of her mouth, but she didn’t care. “This is probably the second worst day of her life, and she’s in there dealing with it—alone—because you are a selfish little bitch who can’t take a hint.”

  Jac closed her eyes to block out the picture of Sasha’s dejected face when she’d told her to leave. Told her to take Vanessa and get out. She wanted to march right back in there and explain everything to her. To tell her word for word what had been said, and more importantly how she’d felt. Maybe there was still CCTV footage from the editing suite that she could find. If she could show Sasha that Vanessa was just full of shit, then maybe everything would be okay still. She just had to show her.

  She balled up her fear of losing Sasha, twisting it into more anger than she ever remembered feeling, and let loose on Vanessa.

  “So let me make this perfectly clear.” She grabbed Vanessa’s shoulders and shook her. “Are you listening?”

  “Jac, stop it. You’re hurting me.”

  “Not as much as you’ve tried to hurt me today. Not as much as you’ve hurt Sasha. So I’ll ask you again. Are you listening to me?”

  Vanessa nodded, and Jac could see a sliver of fear in her eyes.

  “Good. I do not want to be with you. I do not love you. I will never love you. Whether or not I am with Sasha, it makes no difference. I will never take you back. I have zero interest in sleeping with you, of being in a relationship with you, or even working with you again. Have I made myself clear?”

  Vanessa’s eyes were watering, but Jac refused to allow herself to feel sorry for her. Not now, not ever again.

  “Are you under any illusion that you and I have any kind of future together?”

  Vanessa shook her head, tears falling down her cheeks. “You don’t have to be so mean, Jac.”

  “Apparently, I do. I tried being nice to you. I tried being friends, against my better judgement. I tried working with you. But you still pulled this!”

  She sniffed. “I love you.”

  Jac laughed harshly. “Bullshit.”

  “I do!”

  “Lady, the only person you’re capable of loving is yourself. You loved the idea of what I could do for your career. You loved the money and the prestige you seem to think comes with me. You never loved me.”

  “You don’t know anything. You don’t know me.” She pointed to the building behind Jac. “You fucking deserve the shrivelled-up bitch. See how much good she does your career, towing around an ugly old…bitch like that at parties. She won’t help you woo investors.”

  “That’s all crap, but even if it wasn’t, I still wouldn’t care. I love her. Her. Not her body, not the way she looks on my arm, or what I think she can help me gain at a fucking party. I love every single thing about her.”

  Vanessa snorted. “Yeah, and when you get fed up of her saggy old tits, don’t bother to come looking for me. I won’t stand for anyone treating me like this.” She pulled herself from Jac’s grip and stumbled away.

  “I’d rather grow old by her side and watch that happen than live with those fake lumps you have on your chest.”

  Vanessa’s back straightened and she almost lost her balance.

  “Shit,” Jac said under her breath. “I shouldn’t have said that.” She started after Vanessa. She didn’t want the woman to fall and hurt herself, and she was clear
ly the wrong side of sober.

  Mags put a hand on her arm. “I’ll make sure she gets home okay. I’ve already called a taxi to come and get her.”

  “Thanks, Mags,” she called after her as Mags quickly caught up to Vanessa.

  Jac turned back towards the hall and stared up at it. “Shit.”

  “Yup,” Sophie said and clapped her hand over Jac’s shoulder. “Glad that’s over with.” She tugged Jac’s arm, trying to head her back towards the door. “Come on. Better get back in there or you might have to carry Sasha home. She was on her third double brandy when I came out here. God knows how many she’s had by now.”

  Jac’s feet stubbornly refused to move. “She told me to get out of there.”

  “What’re you talking about?”

  “She threw me out. She told me to get out of there.”

  Sophie rolled her eyes. “Have you been drinking too?”

  “No. That’s what she said. She said she couldn’t deal with this.”

  “Yes, she did say that. She told you to get Vanessa out of there because she didn’t want to deal with her melodramatics today. It’s her mother’s funeral, after all.”

  “She pushed me away.”

  “Don’t do this, Jac.”

  “Don’t do what?”

  “Don’t hear things she didn’t say, don’t run because you think she’s pushing, don’t leave because you’re afraid to lose what you’ve got.”

  Jac stared at her.

  “She did not tell you to leave. She asked you to help her by taking care of a problem. Do you know what she said to me when she was busy chugging back brandy?”

  “What?”

  “She told me she trusts you. That she was glad you’d found some way to deal with the emotions you were going through too, because you’d been her rock through all of this. She did wish it had been me or Mags you’d cried on, but she didn’t begrudge you a meltdown. And she didn’t for a second think it was anything more than that. She’s in there, waiting for you to come back after taking out the trash.” She ran a hand over Jac’s back. “I heard you accuse Vanessa of making something out of nothing. Don’t you go and do the same.”

  “But—”

  “No, no buts. You love her, yes?”

  “Yeah,” Jac whispered.

  “She loves you. And I know that alone scares the crap out of you. You’ve never had what everyone else has. You’ve never had something you could trust before. Something you could believe in. Someone you could believe in.” She pointed towards the door. “She’s right in there. You can believe in her, because she believes in you.”

  The doors loomed before her. Jac hadn’t realised just how scared she was. All her life she’d ached for someone to belong to, someone who would hold her heart as tenderly as she would hold theirs. And now she’d found her, she was terrified of losing her. The past two weeks of watching Sasha lose her mother had struck that chord of fear in her with increasing resonance as every tick of the second hand on the clock over Fleur’s bed had gone by.

  “She won’t abandon you, Pan-pan.”

  “You can’t know that,” Jac whispered.

  “Yeah, I do.” Sophie chuckled. “But more importantly, deep down, so do you. Don’t you?”

  Jac shook her head but whispered, “Yes.” As though she believed but still couldn’t quite bring herself to believe that she did. As though the whole notion was still just a little too incredible for her to wrap her head around.

  “So get back in there and save her from the hangover she’s working on.”

  Jac stuck her hands in her pockets and felt the velvet cover of the box she’d carried around with her for weeks. She pulled it out and pried open the lid, then ran her finger over the grooves and notches of the key.

  “Yep, I think that would be the perfect pick-me-up for her today.” She shoved Jac forwards. “Now go and give it to her.”

  She didn’t remember her feet moving or making the decision to walk back into the hall. She didn’t remember looking for Sasha in the crowd of mourners. What she did remember was the slightly glassy look in Sasha’s eyes when she stood beside her at the bar and the sloppy way she was holding her brandy glass. The grin that played over her lips when she wound her arms around Jac’s waist and the trickle of liquid down the back of her shirt before Sophie plucked the glass from Sasha’s hand and deposited it on the bar.

  “Hey,” Jac said quietly and wrapped her arms around Sasha’s back.

  “Hey,” Sasha slurred back.

  “She gone?” Bobbi asked from the other side of Sasha, a pint glass in her hand that seemed like it was as big as her head. She, too, looked glassy-eyed, but more from crying than alcohol.

  “Yeah. Mags is putting her in a taxi.”

  “Good.” Bobbi took a drink, the foamy head creating a white moustache over her lip before she licked it away. “We don’t need that kind of crap today.”

  “Agreed.”

  Bobbi nodded and turned back to the bar, picking up a packet of nuts and shaking a few into her mouth, seemingly content to let Jac take over comforting Sasha.

  Sasha leant in close and rested her head on Jac’s chest. “Can you cry with Sophie or Mags next time, babe? Octo-Nessa’ll only try to take advantage again.”

  Tightened her hold around Sasha, she chuckled at how foolish she felt for questioning this. “Promise.”

  “I think I’m a little bit pissed.”

  “Yeah.” Jac rested her cheek on top of Sasha’s head. “Little bit. Did you have anything to eat?”

  Sasha shook her head.

  “Want something?”

  Sasha shook her head again, then turned to press her forehead onto Jac’s sternum. “The world’s spinning.”

  “I’ll get her a couple of sandwiches,” Sophie said from Jac’s side.

  “Don’t want anything,” Sasha protested.

  “It’ll stop the world spinning,” Jac added to quiet her protests. And maybe you from puking.

  “Fibber.”

  “Maybe.” She stroked her hands up Sasha’s back. “But you love me anyway, right?”

  Sasha tipped her head back and gazed up at her. “With all my heart.”

  She pulled the box from her pocket and held it up so Sasha could see. “I have something for you. I was waiting for the right time, but then I realised it was always the right time when I’m with you, so…?” She pried open the lid and picked out the key, then held it up between them. “What do you think? Will you move in with me?”

  Sasha didn’t say anything. She plucked the key from Jac’s hand and stretched up, capturing Jac’s lips in a deep kiss. Her tongue fought for dominance, and her fingers drove into Jac’s hair in that way that made Jac moan and deepen the kiss further. They searched and explored each other, Jac aware the whole while that people around them were probably staring and wondering just how drunk Sasha was. Was she planning to stop this anytime soon? Exhibitionism hadn’t been something Jac had thought would be Sasha’s cup of tea, but she certainly seemed not to care—

  “I’m gonna be sick.” Sasha tore herself away from Jac, bent at the waist, and let loose.

  Everyone around jumped back, but pant legs were splattered and shoes were covered as Sasha returned her brandy deposits with interest, crying and apologising the whole time. Jac scooped her hair back and smiled sheepishly to the gathered crowd.

  “Sorry. She doesn’t normally react like this when she kisses me,” she said to the barman as he sent someone off for a bucket, handed Jac a small towel, and waved off her apology.

  “Love, if ya can’t get pissed till ya chuck ya guts up when ya bury yer mam, when can ya?”

  “She’s a really good kisser.” Sasha’s voice was small and smothered a little by her position, talking to the floor as she was. “She makes my belly flop, but in a good way.”

&
nbsp; Jac grinned rakishly when the barman threw back his head and laughed.

  Sophie arrived with a paper plate filled with a selection of triangular-cut sandwiches. She eyed them, then Sasha’s still-bent-over body, then Jac, still holding Sasha’s hair. She shrugged and picked up one of the little triangles, then finished off an egg and cress in three giant bites.

  “What?” she asked around a mouthful. “She’s not gonna eat ’em now.”

  Chapter 32

  “Are you sure about this?” Bobbi asked for the hundredth, possibly thousandth, time.

  Sasha slapped the back of her shoulder as Bobbi walked past her, carrying an armful of cardboard boxes that needed to be taped together. “I’m positive. We’ve been over this. I’m moving in with Jac.” She looked about the home she’d shared for so many years with her mother. “Being here’s too painful right now, but at the same time it’s where I grew up. I’m not ready to let go of it yet either. Having you rent it from me is the perfect solution.”

  “Yeah, but you could get yourself a nice little nest egg together if you sold it.”

  “I’m not ready to sell it. Mum and Dad bought this house when she was pregnant with me. Part of me still can’t imagine not seeing Mum here, but I can’t bear to see someone in here that I don’t know either.” She shrugged. “I know it doesn’t make sense, but it’s how I feel, and as for the nest egg, well, there’s no mortgage on this place. Mum signed it over to me when I first moved back, so there’s no inheritance tax for me to pay on it. Literally the only thing I have to cover out of the rent you pay me is landlord’s insurance. I honestly feel bad asking you to pay me.”

  “You’re asking me to pay a fraction more for a whole house than what I’ve been paying for a room in a scummy houseshare with a billion students. I’d gladly pay double.” She dumped the boxes on the kitchen table and reached for the packing tape. “Not that I could afford double, but if I could, I’d gladly pay it.”