Not Perfect

by Elizabeth Laban

  “Wait, I didn’t mean we had to be in competition, whose thing is more important,” Tabitha said. “I didn’t mean that at all. I don’t even know what your thing is.”

  “No, I know that,” Rachel said, spooning a little of everything onto Tabitha’s plate. “Is Fern coming?”

  “In a minute,” Tabitha said. “She’s finishing a show.”

  “Okay, well, what I meant was that it sort of helped put my thing in perspective. I am all cleared and ready to be inseminated. I can go into the doctor’s office on Monday, and they can shoot the sperm toward an egg, and then I would wait, and it could go one way or another, I don’t know which.”

  “That’s so great,” Tabitha said, moving off the stool and going to hug Rachel. “Do you want me to come with you?”

  “Wait, I’m not done,” Rachel said, stopping Tabitha mid-hug. “So, when I think about waiting, and finding out which way it might go—am I pregnant? Am I not pregnant?—I honestly don’t know which I would hope for. That’s crazy, right? I should know. I should be hoping to achieve pregnancy. That’s the goal here.”

  “Sure,” Tabitha said. “That’s the goal.”

  “I don’t think I want that,” Rachel said slowly. “I don’t want to be home alone with a newborn baby. It seemed like such a good idea two months ago. A way to not be alone, a way to have a baby without needing to find the right person to share it with, a way to make my eventual old age seem not so bleak, but now I realize, it might not be for me. If I could jump ahead and have a ten-year-old maybe, or even a seven-year-old, that sounds okay. Busy, but okay. But how does anyone recover from newborn hell all alone? Doesn’t that ruin a person? Wouldn’t I be doing everything in my power to make myself unattractive to a potential partner? ‘Oh hey, sorry I left the spit up out of the picture on the dating site, but you better get used to it,’ or, ‘You don’t mind waiting while I nurse the baby, do you? It will only take a few hours because the baby is having trouble latching, and after that we can go on our first date.’ I can see it might be right for someone, but I don’t think it’s right for me. The thing is, now I’ve started this process. I picked the donor: we have the sperm, and I have imagined this possible being, so now it feels like I’m saying good-bye to something.”

  At that moment, Fern came into the kitchen. She was limping, but she never mentioned the pain, if there was any, or the limp. Rachel moved toward Fern, giving her a quick hug before piling food onto her plate. Fern didn’t even ask what it was, she just ate. Before the women had a chance to get settled and join her, she took her last bite and pushed her plate away.

  “Can I go back to watching?”

  “Sure,” Tabitha said, more because she wanted to continue the conversation with Rachel than because she thought it was okay.

  “She seems a little down,” Rachel said when Fern had left the room.

  “Yeah, as I mentioned, we’re all falling apart a little.”

  “And what’s with the limp?”

  “We’ve been to a bunch of doctors, but nobody can figure it out,” Tabitha said. “I need to take her for more tests. But wait, I want to keep talking about you. Have you considered storing or freezing the sperm or something? That way you would still have the option, but you could take more time to think about it.”

  Rachel reached into the bag and pulled out a tomato and a small, perfect bunch of basil. She walked to the sink and washed first the tomato and then the basil leaves, one at a time, with her back to Tabitha.

  “Shoot, I forgot to put this out for Fern,” Rachel said.

  “It’s okay, she probably wouldn’t have eaten it anyway. But have you? Considered that?”

  “I guess, I just don’t know,” Rachel said slowly. “I mean, I feel like my body is ready, but my brain isn’t. Will you come with me on Monday morning to talk to them about this? I don’t want to go alone.”

  “Yes, of course I will,” Tabitha said.

  Now Rachel turned around and smiled.

  “Okay, good,” she said. “That makes me feel better.”

  She pulled a knife off the rack on the wall and slowly sliced the tomato, perfect, round, red slices. Then she rolled the basil leaves into a cylinder and sliced those, sprinkling them on top.

  “Hey, I forgot dressing, do you have any?”

  Now Tabitha felt exposed, even though she shouldn’t have. Her big secret was already out of the bag. Almost anything she said at this point would be okay, it would make sense, considering. But still. She went to the cabinet that used to be full of oils and vinegars and other sauces that were completely used up now. She pulled down the last of the olive oil, followed by the bottle of Zingerman’s aged balsamic, the one she’d been saving. She moved the squat bottle this way and that and watched it swoosh around: there was about a tablespoon left. She handed both to Rachel, who poured them out, not knowing that that was the absolute last of it. Just as the last plump, syrupy drops of vinegar fell onto the tomato, the house phone rang. Tabitha thought about ignoring it, but it was so loud, louder than a usual ringing phone, at least that’s how it seemed to her in the moment, that she just wanted it to stop.

  “Hello?”

  “Tabitha, it’s Julie, from Larchwood.” She sounded out of breath, and it was extremely noisy wherever she was. Tabitha couldn’t believe it. Was she really calling now to ask for a snack tray or teacher treat?

  “Julie,” Tabitha started, “I’m so sorry, but we are just sitting down to—”

  “I’m with Levi,” Julie said, interrupting her. Did she sound upset? With Levi? “He, he’s been hit by a bike. I am here with him waiting for the ambulance. It should be here soon. I—”

  “What do you mean?” Tabitha said firmly into the phone. “With Levi? Where? He’s at Butch’s house. Are you sure?”

  “I’m very sure,” Julie said. She didn’t sound like her usual perky, always-asking-for-something self. Tabitha wanted her to go back to that. She wanted her to be calling to ask her to bring something to the next conference day. She’d bring something really great. Anything. Donuts, with a dairy alternative.

  Tabitha realized that Rachel had walked over and was standing just beside her but not touching her. She was waiting, but not mouthing, “What is going on?” the way people usually did when they wanted to know what was happening on the other end of the phone. Tabitha heard Julie talking soothingly to someone.

  “They’re on their way,” she was saying. “Any second now.”

  Tabitha listened as hard as she could, but she didn’t hear a response.

  “What should I do?” she yelled into the phone. “What should I do?”

  “I’ll stay with him,” Julie said, so kindly. “I’ll go in the ambulance with him. I’ll call again as soon as I know where we’re going.”

  The sound of the siren got loud now. It was right in Tabitha’s ear.

  “Where are you?” she screamed, but Julie was talking to someone else, and then the call cut off. “Where are you?” she screamed, again to nobody.

  Tabitha stood there dumbly with the phone to her ear, waiting for instructions. It took her a second to place herself: in her kitchen, with Rachel by her side, and Fern in the doorway looking scared.

  Rachel didn’t say anything, she just waited. It must have been very clear that Tabitha had no answers. Finally, Rachel said, “It’s Levi?” She took the phone out of Tabitha’s hand and pressed the “off” button, then handed it back.

  Tabitha nodded, and miraculously, the phone rang again.

  “Where are you?” she screamed into the phone.

  “About to get in the ambulance,” Julie said gently. “They’re taking us to Hahnemann. It’s the closest hospital. I asked them to take us to CHOP, but they have to go to the closest hospital. I’ll stay with him. I’ll be right here until you get there.”

  “Is he okay?” Tabitha screamed. She seemed to have only one way of communicating now. “Is he awake?”

  “He just opened his eyes, but—” Julie said. Then, to
someone else, “Oh, okay, sorry. I have to hang up. I’ll be with him.”

  “But what?” Tabitha screamed. “But what?”

  “Where is he?” Rachel asked gently. “Can you tell me what happened?”

  “Hahnemann,” Tabitha said. “He was hit by a bike.”

  Rachel punched something into her phone, then she helped Fern get her shoes and coat.

  “Come on,” she said.

  They went down in the elevator, but it seemed different; it did not seem like the same elevator she was in just an hour before. An Uber was waiting for them. They got in. Rachel talked to the driver. Tabitha knew she should be helping Fern, telling her everything would be okay. But would it be okay? She needed someone to comfort her. She thought of Stuart. Then she thought of Toby. Then she tried not to think.

  They were dropped off at the wrong place, the place where ambulances go in, but it was easy to find the right door. Rachel did all the work. She talked to someone, she had Fern sit in a seat in the surprisingly empty waiting room. She took Tabitha into the emergency department.

  “Over there, number twenty-one. I’ll stay with Fern.”

  Suddenly she was back to herself, and she was running. There were people all around him, mostly by his head. How many people? Six? Seven? A lot of people. She moved as close as she could. She wanted to grab him and take him back to the moment before whatever happened, happened. She was close now, close enough to see his face. His jaw looked funny, moved somehow. And there was blood, a lot of dried blood. Was it dry? Maybe some of it was still wet. Where did that come from? She thought she could see a line, a clear line up his chin and over his face. She moved back in horror. Did the bike literally run over him? Right over him? She was about to start screaming again when she felt a hand on her shoulder. She turned quickly, ready to be mad at whomever it was. It was Julie. She shooed her away and looked back at Levi. They were giving him oxygen; they seemed concerned about his breathing and she could see why. He seemed to be working hard at it, and his mouth looked so strange. Why did it look so strange? At that moment, his eyes opened and he saw her. He saw her and he reacted to her—it was a combination of relief and fear—what sort of trouble was he in? She was so relieved, so completely relieved, that when Julie nudged her again, she turned to her and obeyed her gentle suggestion that she follow her out of the small curtained room.

  “What happened?” Tabitha said, no longer yelling, her voice sounding strange and raspy.

  Julie shook her head like she was trying to rid it of an image. Or at least that was what Tabitha thought. She moved away from Julie, back toward Levi. What was she doing here with Julie? She wanted to be with Levi.

  “Wait, just give me a quick second,” Julie said, sounding like herself, like she might be talking about food trays and nondairy alternatives. And suddenly Tabitha was so grateful to her. What if she hadn’t been there? Would they have figured out who Levi was by now? Did he even have any ID on him? Tabitha didn’t think so.

  “Thank you,” Tabitha said. “Thank you for everything you did. How were you even there? How did you know it was Levi?”

  “It was his jacket. His bright-red Larchwood jacket with the big lion on the back. It’s so familiar, both my kids have that same jacket, so when I saw him running, Tabitha, he was literally running, into the street, I saw him. And I yelled to him to stop, to wait. But he didn’t hear me. Or he didn’t want to listen. He just kept running. And I could see that the light had turned green and the cars were going to move. And it was really the bus that I was worried about, but, somehow, thank God, the bus driver saw him and swerved to the left, but he must have startled the bike, because the bike came up fast on the bus’s right and well, that’s what caused the impact.” She said the last part quietly, like it was something that shouldn’t be said out loud.

  Tabitha took a step back to steady herself. It was so hot in here. Why didn’t they make it cooler? And did the floor have to be so swirly, and the curtains! Why did they have to have such busy designs on them? Didn’t they know dizzy people came in sometimes for help?

  Tabitha felt someone grabbing her arm, and then easing her down into a chair, but she took it one step further and kept going, putting her head down on the chair next to her and closing her eyes. She felt alone. Did Julie leave? But then a nurse was there, asking if she was okay, asking if she could hear her. She opened her eyes and nodded.

  “Let her sit just a minute,” she heard the nurse say. “It’s going to be a few minutes before he’s ready to be transferred.”

  “To where?” Tabitha asked, sitting up too fast and then leaning back over and propping her head on her hand. She did not feel well.

  “To CHOP,” the nurse said. “He is stable enough to be moved now, and they are so much better equipped to treat children.”

  Thank God, Tabitha thought she said out loud, but then she realized she just thought it. She needed to get herself up, she needed to go be with Levi. She should tell Rachel what was going on. She should see if Fern was okay. Maybe they could look at her leg while they were here. There was so much to do. Tabitha closed her eyes.

  “Hey, sorry to bother you,” Julie said, gently putting her hand over Tabitha’s hand. “I left my kids with a friend, I have to go get them. Will you be okay? Is there anyone here with you? It’s great that he is stable enough to be moved.”

  Tabitha nodded, but didn’t specify what she was nodding about.

  “Okay then,” she said kindly. “I’m glad . . . well, I’m glad . . . well, I guess I’m glad it wasn’t worse.”

  Tabitha nodded again. It was so noisy in here, but she felt like she could just fade away. No, that was ridiculous. She opened her eyes and pushed herself up so that she occupied only one chair. She waited to see how dizzy she was going to feel, and it wasn’t so bad. She stood, walked back to Levi’s small curtained-off area. She felt almost afraid of him, like if she didn’t get too close then maybe this wouldn’t really be him. There were only two people with him now, and his eyes were closed again. He looked the same as before, like something had shifted in his facial bone structure.

  His eyes opened, and he looked like he was trying not to cry, then they closed again. Tabitha was next to him in an instant, kneeling on the floor by his face, so close, she could see what she thought was the actual line of a bike tire up Levi’s neck and chin, right to his forehead. Tabitha made a noise she didn’t recognize, and then she cleared her throat. She wanted to touch him and smell him. She wanted to bury her nose in the top of his head, the way she used to when he was younger, the way he didn’t let her anymore, hadn’t let her in so long.

  She cleared her throat again. “Can I touch him?” she asked the nurse, or maybe it was a doctor, she wasn’t sure. A nurse, it was definitely a nurse.

  “Gently, and maybe just his hand for now,” she said. “Until we determine if anything is broken. The good news is his airway is clear, no damage there, so they’ll do more tests and X-rays when you get to CHOP. The ambulance is almost ready to take you over.”

  Tabitha reached out and touched his hand, barely, but it was warm and soft. He opened his eyes and lifted his head ever so slightly. He opened his mouth, and she expected him to say something, but he didn’t. There was nothing, no words, no sound. He let his head fall back onto the pillow and closed his eyes.

  “Were you going to say something, Monkey?” she asked him, soothingly, and all the tears came silently to the forefront and spilled out, no fanfare, no warning. She just let them fall. “Monkey?”

  “He hasn’t said anything yet,” the nurse said. “We think there might be a fracture in his jaw, which would make it hard to speak.”

  Rachel came to the curtain and leaned in like she was about to ask something, but then she saw Levi.

  “Oh, Levi! Thank God, thank God, thank God,” she said it like he was sitting up and playing cards. Like he was sitting there eating a cheesesteak. Not like he was lying there with a bent and possibly broken jaw and tire marks on his fac
e. It took only a second for Tabitha to realize why—Rachel thought he was in terrible shape. Did she think he was going to die? That thought made Tabitha so mad. Levi wasn’t going to die. He was never going to die, not until he was old, really old, like, a hundred years old. Did Rachel think Tabitha was such a bad mother that Levi could die on her watch? Even as she thought it, she knew one thing had nothing to do with the other. Accidents happened all the time, no matter how vigilant a person was. But it made her so mad! She wanted to scream.

  “Do you need something?” Tabitha said harshly.

  Rachel looked taken aback.

  “Sorry, yes, they are asking for the insurance card. Do you have it?”

  Yes, she had it, but it wouldn’t work.

  “Um, no, not with me,” Tabitha lied. Now she didn’t feel so angry. What would she do without Rachel? “I ran out so fast I didn’t even think about it.”

  “That must happen all the time,” Rachel said. “I’ll go tell them. I can run to the apartment and get it later.”

  “We’re moving, to CHOP,” Tabitha said, like that was the answer to the problem.

  “Oh, okay,” Rachel said. “But you’ll still have to give them your insurance information, I’m sure. I’ll tell them what I can, and then if I have to bring it back, or send an image of it through email or whatever, I’ll do that.”

  “Thanks,” Tabitha said. “Where’s Fern?”

  “She’s fine,” Rachel said. “They gave her graham crackers and some juice. She’s playing on my phone.”

  Tabitha wanted to yell that Fern should not be left alone. She felt something and looked down. Levi had grabbed her hand.

  CHAPTER NINETEEN

  Eight hours later, they were settled into a room at CHOP. It had been determined that Levi’s jaw was not broken, and he had no catastrophic injuries, which was nothing short of a miracle. But they were worried about a concussion, and they wanted to make sure they didn’t miss any internal bleeding so he was staying for at least a day or two. Rachel had taken Fern home with the promise of returning first thing in the morning with the completely defunct insurance card, which she would never actually find since it was right there with Tabitha. What in the world was she going to do then?