Not Perfect

by Elizabeth Laban

  “Is it Levi?” Rachel asked.

  “He’s okay, the same as when you left him,” she said. “I had to do a few things, but I’m going back now.”

  “You had to do a few things? It’s six in the morning. What did you have to do?”

  Tabitha reached into her purse and brought out the first pile of money she could grab. She held it up.

  “What the hell is that?” Rachel said, too loudly. “Did you rob a bank?”

  “Look, I have no money,” Tabitha admitted, and it felt surprisingly good. “None. I know you had some hints of that, but it’s even worse than you may have thought. You know that insurance card you’re supposed to bring over to the hospital today? I’ve had it the whole time. It doesn’t work.”

  “I have money,” Rachel said.

  Tabitha sighed. She knew she could have asked Rachel all along. But she also knew she had paid for the sperm donation herself and that she was usually careful with her money, leading Tabitha to believe she didn’t have that much, at least not an unlimited supply, which is what this would take.

  “I’m going to put it in the bank tomorrow,” Tabitha said.

  “I think you might be in jail tomorrow,” Rachel shot back.

  “No, no, it isn’t like that,” Tabitha said. “I got it from a friend. I’ll tell you all about it later. For now, I’m going to put it in my closet, in the top drawer. I have to go. I have to be with Levi.”

  “That must be some friend,” Rachel said. “Okay, okay. I’ll stay here with Fern. I’ll make her pancakes. Should I bring her over?”

  “I think so,” Tabitha said. “Let’s talk in a few hours. Oh, and when you do come, make a big show in front of the nurse about not being able to find the insurance card. Hopefully that will buy me another day at least. I’m going to have to set up some sort of payment plan. And we don’t have any pancake mix.” She pulled forty dollars out of the pile. “Take her out for pancakes on your way over.”

  “Thanks,” Rachel said, taking the money but giving it a strange look when she took possession of it. “Hey, now might not be the best time to talk about it, but I’ve made a decision. A real, final decision.”

  “About what?” Tabitha asked, but she immediately regretted it. “Oh, you did? A final decision? What is it?”

  “I’m going to do it,” Rachel said. “I’m going to try to get pregnant. Being with your kids, seeing you handle everything yesterday without Stuart here, it made me think I can do it, too. I want to do it.”

  Tabitha wanted to say all sorts of things, the first being: Are you crazy? But then they both turned to look at Fern, who was curled on her side, looking in that moment much younger than she was, and Tabitha understood.

  “I’ll help you in any way I can,” she said.

  After Tabitha stashed the money and was in a cab heading back to CHOP, she had a thought: Stuart. He didn’t know about Levi. If anything would bring him back to Philadelphia and to them, this would be it, right? She decided she’d ask Fern about that call, see if she really spoke to him and had any ideas about how to reach him. She’d say Levi needed him. Fern would do anything for Levi at this point. But as they neared the hospital, another thought crept in. She didn’t really want him to come back. She wanted the stability she used to have, sure, and the security of a working insurance card, but she didn’t want him. She made her own final decision in the back of that cab as they drove over the South Street Bridge. She was going to file for divorce. And with that, a third thought crept in . . . Toby. Sweet Toby. She thought she would never be able to speak to him again, not after what she’d done. Not now that she knew Nora was his mother. And somehow, at that moment, that seemed like the greatest loss of all.

  Levi ended up spending four days in the hospital. They were strangely peaceful days. Levi didn’t talk at all until the third day. The first thing he said was, “I thought I saw Dad.” Tabitha was deep into research about her rights and how and when she could officially file for a legal separation and divorce. It was going to be harder than she had thought. Stuart had to be gone for a year before she could claim abandonment, which is what she wanted to do. She was trying to figure out how to start the process without the actual charge of abandonment. It seemed the only other way to do it was to file a complaint for divorce, in which case Stuart would be named as the defendant. It all seemed so complicated and upside down to her. She eased her laptop closed and looked up at Levi.

  “What?”

  He cleared his throat. His voice was raspy. “When you dropped me at Butch’s, I never went. I walked around. I thought I saw Dad ahead of me. I was running toward him, and when I realized it wasn’t him, I guess I just kept running.”

  Tabitha got up and sat on the edge of the bed. He was so bruised now, but he looked so good. He was going to be fine.

  “Why did you think it was Dad?”

  “It looked like him, from the back,” Levi said, clearing his throat again. Tabitha should probably have told him to stop talking. He couldn’t not talk for days and then talk so much, but she wanted to hear what he had to say. “And he was wearing his clothes, or at least a shirt that Dad has, and I think his pants.”

  “Oh my god,” Tabitha said, remembering when she thought she had seen Stuart on the street. “I gave some of Dad’s clothes to a homeless man. You must have seen him wearing them. I saw him once and thought for a minute it was Dad.”

  “Why would you do that?” Levi asked, and she could sense he was getting angry. She knew this tone, and she guessed he was about to shut down, which would probably be good for his voice but not for her.

  “I don’t know,” she said. She wanted to take his hand, but that would be a sure way to get him to turn away, so she didn’t. “You know, it’s been a hard few months. I didn’t want to burden you guys with it, but in the end, I probably should have been more open about what was going on. This was not the way to do it. The bottom line is that I was trying to make ends meet, and I ended up taking stuff from people that we needed, so I wanted to give something back. That’s why I gave some clothes to the homeless man.”

  “But where’s Dad?” Levi asked in a harsh whisper.

  “Shhh,” Tabitha said. “You should rest your voice.”

  Levi narrowed his eyes and raised his eyebrows. Tabitha could hear him saying, “Fine, but where is he?” without his actually saying it.

  “I don’t know where your dad is,” Tabitha said. “I haven’t known this whole time. I had one idea, but then, well, I found out that that isn’t where he is, at least not anymore.”

  Levi closed his eyes and turned slightly toward the window. Please don’t let him cry, please don’t let him cry, Tabitha chanted to herself. Her phone rang, but she didn’t move toward it. It rang three times, harshly, and then it was quiet. A few seconds later, she heard the beep that a voicemail message had been left. Levi opened his eyes and turned to her. He wasn’t crying. His eyes were clear.

  “I thought so,” he said quietly. “I thought that all along.”

  Tabitha’s phone rang again, and again she didn’t get it. Fern was in school, hopefully fine. She would deal with her phone in a little while. It was probably Rachel checking in with them.

  “Well, I should have told you,” Tabitha said.

  “Is he coming back?”

  “I don’t know,” Tabitha said. “I just don’t know.”

  “Can I be alone for a little while?” Levi asked.

  “Sure,” Tabitha said, gathering her purse and phone. “I’ll just get some coffee.”

  She wanted to wait to see if he was sad, or what his reaction would be, but she didn’t. She wasn’t at all sure she handled that well. She wished she’d taken more time to think it through.

  As soon as she got down to the lobby she checked her phone. There were actually five voicemail messages. She panicked as she went to the screen to listen, and realized they were mostly from different people, which was good, at least they weren’t all calling about Fern.

 
; Two were from Toby. He kept calling, but she had not called back. She pressed “play” on the message.

  “Hey, it’s Toby again,” the first message said. “Not sure what’s going on with you. Did our time at the hotel scare you away? I’m beginning to think you can’t take an hour or two out of the real world without it somehow seeping back in. Okay, well, please call me.” Hearing his voice made her whole body hurt. If she never spoke to him again, maybe he would never have to know that she stole the money from Nora. Also, he would never have to know she might have killed two people, or that, in the end, she was not a good wife, not that she ever really had the chance to be, but still.

  The next message was from a number she didn’t recognize.

  “What’s the scariest thing you’ve ever seen?” the voice asked, and the first thing she thought was, My son on a gurney in the emergency room after being hit by a bike. But she knew the answer this guy was after. It was Mr. Hiffen, from the pest control company. She missed the rest of what he’d said, so she went back to hear it again. “What’s the scariest thing you’ve ever seen? That’s right! A rat! And you are going to help us stop people from seeing those. You got the job! The office opens next month. Call me back.”

  Huh. Her first thought was that she didn’t want it; she had to put all her energy into the kids. Her second thought was that she wanted it! It would give her money and more freedom. She’d call him back later to accept the job.

  The next call was from Rabbi Rosen saying he heard about Levi and would stop by later that day. Tabitha wondered how he heard. Maybe Rachel called him. The fourth was from the kids’ pediatrician.

  “Hello, it’s Dr. Randall. Please call me back.”

  And finally, it was Toby again.

  “So, I’m thinking it was nice while it lasted, right? It was like a fantasy. But now it’s probably over. I am releasing you. Go forth and be happy. Sorry again about the hotel. Not about our time there, that was spectacular, but I’m sorry if that was too much, if that made you not want to do this. Bye.”

  She looked around for a place to sit. She felt so sad suddenly, that it was almost hard to stand up. She wanted to tell him he was wrong, the hotel was great. Those two hours were the best hours she’d had in so long. She couldn’t call him back because she had been stealing from—she could barely bring herself to even think the words, there was no way she could ever speak them out loud—but she forced herself to say the whole sentence in her mind: she had been stealing from his mother! And sneaking in and trespassing when she had no business there. She was a bad person. He was better off without her. She stood again and dialed Dr. Randall. She waited to be put through, she assumed he was calling about Levi.

  “Tabitha,” he said. “I’m glad to connect with you.”

  “We’re at the hospital,” she said. “Levi is doing a little better.”

  “Levi?”

  “Isn’t that who you are calling about?”

  “No, I’m calling about Fern. All her tests are back. Listen, this is really a diagnosis of exclusion, but I feel comfortable at this point to say she has conversion disorder. It should go away on its own, and I think it was brought on by stress. This can happen when people are under intense amounts of distress. Has that been the case for Fern at all lately? Is there any reason she has been anxious lately?”

  “You could say that,” Tabitha said, as the relief spread through her body. She was surprised at her relief, because Fern’s distress was exactly what she was so afraid of. Clearly, Tabitha couldn’t shield her, and Fern had been upset all along. But it wasn’t a tumor, and it wasn’t some awful disease. It should go away on its own! She wanted to jump up and down. She wanted to hug the doctor walking by. She wanted to celebrate with Fern.

  “Thank you so much doctor,” she said.

  “I’m sorry we don’t have a more definitive answer,” he said. “But I am sure I’m right about this. I’ve seen it before.”

  “I’m so glad you don’t have a more definitive answer,” Tabitha said. “This is the best thing I could have hoped for.”

  “I think some therapy might be in order; maybe getting to the root of her stress and giving her some tools to help her deal with it better is the best place to start. And if the pain doesn’t resolve itself soon, let’s talk about setting up a little physical therapy for her, too. In the meantime, let me know if there’s anything more you need,” he said, and Tabitha sighed and told him about Levi.

  Rabbi Rosen came around three, and, as usual, his presence was calming.

  “Well, Levi my boy, I am certainly glad to see you,” he said, pulling the chair close to his bed. “You don’t look nearly as bad as I thought you might. Thank you for calling me.”

  That explained how he found out, it wasn’t Rachel after all. In the farthest reaches of things Tabitha would expect to happen in the world, having Levi call the rabbi would not appear anywhere. She was dumbfounded. She watched as Levi tried to smile, but Tabitha could tell it hurt.

  “So, I’m not going to stay long. I just wanted to say hello and see for myself how you’re doing,” he said. “And to ask you to think about our plan for the bar mitzvah. You can take a little time to decide, but it is less than a month away. I think, given the circumstances, we should keep it as simple as possible. Just what we talked about, maybe on an even smaller scale.”

  He looked at Tabitha. “Does that sound good?”

  She nodded. “Yes,” she said. “I think if we do it, we’ll just have a small lunch after. I don’t think I’m going to invite anyone beyond a few friends.”

  “Whatever you decide, I fully support you,” the rabbi said.

  Tabitha listened while they talked about television shows and what Levi would eat when he could eat everything again, and then the rabbi patted Levi gently on the arm and stood up.

  “Is there anything I can do for you before I go, Levi?” he asked.

  “Not that I can think of,” Levi croaked out.

  “Take care, both of you,” he said, turning to leave.

  “Thanks for coming,” Levi said. “And I do want to. Have my scaled down bar mitzvah, I mean. I really want to.”

  Rabbi Rosen turned back toward him.

  “Great!” he said. “That’s great news. It will be a memorable day. I’m honored to be a part of it.”

  Tabitha walked Rabbi Rosen to the elevators.

  “How are you holding up?” he asked. “Things were rough enough and now this. I am just so glad he is on the mend.”

  “He’ll go home tomorrow, I think,” Tabitha said. “Thank you so much for coming.”

  “Listen,” the rabbi said. “I’ve put some calls out to try to reach Stuart. It might be a futile effort, but I feel it’s my duty to see if he needs any guidance, and to touch base about the bar mitzvah. Have you been able to reach him?”

  “No,” Tabitha said. “I thought for some time he might be with, well, with someone he was going to marry long before he married me. She called it off right before the wedding. We had had some, well, I guess the only way to describe it would be harsh words about that right before he left. But when I finally reached someone about that, the hospital in Northern Michigan actually, that woman had died—in September. So I really have no idea where he could be.”

  “Wow,” Rabbi Rosen said. “That is some heavy stuff. Well, I’ll let you know if I have any luck. Is there anything you would like me to not tell him?”

  Tabitha was taken aback. She thought of the rabbi more as Stuart’s than as hers, so this gesture touched her in a way she didn’t expect. She considered his question. Would she not want him to know about Levi’s accident? No, he could know. She was so tired of keeping secrets.

  “Nothing that I can think of,” she said. “But thank you for asking.”

  The following Saturday was the Michigan–Ohio State game, and Tabitha couldn’t get it out of her head. Levi had been home for over a week and might even go back to school part time the next week. Fern had been so quiet and unde
rstandably clingy. Rachel, who was now waiting to see if she was pregnant, had just left after spending most of the week with them, bringing in their Thanksgiving dinner from Di Bruno’s and eating with them. The whole time Tabitha kept thinking I am so thankful, I am so thankful. She thought the holiday had more meaning this year than it ever had.

  “Hey guys,” she said to them now. They were on the couch next to each other, watching a movie that Fern had bought for Levi with some of her money. This was the image of calm that Tabitha had thought of during that awful first night in the hospital. “Do you mind if I run out?”

  “No,” they said at the same time. Rachel had given everyone lunch before she left, so they weren’t hungry. She’d just take a walk and peek in the window. She might not even go inside.

  Fern wasn’t sure if she wanted to do this. She had been thinking about it for so long now. She even tried to come up with a way to do it for Levi in the hospital, but it just wouldn’t work without the home phone. She turned to Levi, now that they were finally alone.

  “I know a secret way to call Dad,” she said.

  At first he didn’t move. It was like he didn’t hear her or something. But then he turned to her slowly, scowling.

  “What do you mean?”

  “Well,” she said, now worried that she shouldn’t have mentioned it. Her dad said not to tell anyone, and Levi seemed mad. “When Dad left he wrote me a note. He told me how to call him. I did it once.”

  “You’ve known how to reach Dad all this time?” Levi said. “And you didn’t tell Mom?”

  “Well,” Fern said, now even more unsure. “No, I, well, I was afraid to. Dad told me not to—in his note.”

  “Okay,” Levi said, challenging her. “Call him then.”