by Quinn Ward
I replayed the rest of the conversation, up to and including Dad thinking I shouldn’t tell mom until after I’d come out to her, as well as him thinking mom and DeeDee were still in the dark.
“That’s… wow, that’s huge. And you swear you didn’t talk to him because of me?”
“No. He actually started the conversation because he knew I was distracted and figured I was thinking about you.”
“Were you?”
“Pretty safe bet.” If I was awake, Gabe was on my mind. No matter what I was doing, he was always there, not far from the front of my thoughts.
We jumped apart at the sound of knuckles rapping on the door. “Boys, dinner’s on the table.”
“That’s gonna take some getting used to.” Gabe stared at the door, as if waiting for my dad to walk in and see us fighting our desire.
Gabe gave me one last kiss before smoothing the front of my sweater. “This is officially the best Christmas ever.”
I couldn’t agree more.
14
Gabe
I never thought I could miss a cramped bedroom as much as I missed our suite at school. We drove back early the morning the dorms opened following winter break, telling the moms we wanted to get back and get ready for spring semester’s classes. It wasn’t a lie, but it wasn’t the complete truth, either. I wanted to get home—which for the time being was a tiny cinderblock room with a twin-size bed instead of the full I had in my childhood bedroom. But it wasn’t the size of the room or the furnishings that mattered. It was having Trevor with me. Curling up in the smelly chair to watch movies instead of texting back and forth while spending quality time with our families. Falling asleep whispering dirty thoughts into one another’s ears instead of over a phone line, being sure no one overheard us.
I dropped my duffel onto the floor and kicked the door closed behind me. Unlike the first time we’d walked into this room, today there was no hesitation. I didn’t have to hold back, I could simply take what I wanted. And what I needed at that moment was Trevor’s naked body beneath mine.
It was a damn good thing we spent some quality time together in the days leading up to the start of classes because, once again, Trevor was taking a heavy course load. Not the six he’d taken last fall, but he still had a couple of classes that required a significant amount of lab or group-work time.
That meant we quickly fell into the routine where he kissed me on his way out in the morning, I texted him while I waited for my morning coffee at Port Java, and eventually, we fell into bed at the end of the night, too exhausted to do anything more than make out a bit as we drifted off to sleep.
The second week of January, Seth bounded into our room, forgetting everything I’d told him last semester about respecting people’s personal space.
“Jayden called. He and Levi had an idea they wanted to run by the Alliance members….” By the time he finished talking, Seth was out of breath and my head was spinning. My heart raced because his sense of urgency seemed more warranted for an emergency than one of our friends, who seemed to be having a hard time letting go of his college days, plotting something mysterious.
“Did he give you any clue what it’s about?” I asked, turning my attention back to the assigned reading for my Lit class. I’d struggled to pick out classes for this semester and wondered why I’d gone the respectable route and was now stuck with a dry as hell course exploring nineteenth-century British literature. If I made it through this course without gouging my eyes out, I deserved a medal.
“No, he just said it was something the group has talked about doing a few times now, but they’d never been able to pull it together,” Seth said in a rush. “I think, in some way, this is his parting gift to us and maybe something we can continue in the future.”
“Sounds intriguing, but I have a shit-ton of work to get through before Trevor gets back.” The biggest difference in Trevor since we got back to school was he no longer tried to shy away from me. He didn’t care if people knew we were together, as long as it wouldn’t get back to his mom.
“Come on, you know you need a break.” Seth had been quiet the first couple days after he got back to school, but he’d apparently gotten over whatever had been bothering him. I almost missed the withdrawn, quiet version of the man who’d become one of my few friends on campus. He noticed me hedging and quickly added, “If you come with me, I’ll even buy your coffee.”
The kid knew my weakness. I flipped my book over, already regretting how late I’d have to stay up tonight to make up for this break. But maybe Seth was right; maybe getting out of the dorm would clear my head a bit.
Jayden and Levi were already sitting at a table in the back of the coffee shop by the time we arrived. A few more members trickled in, and finally, Jayden decided we’d waited long enough. He took Levi’s hand before addressing us.
“I know this is a bit unorthodox since I graduated and all, but longer than the four years I attended school here, the LGBTQ Alliance has been trying to come up with a way to have our own Valentine’s Day event. A lot of the other clubs on campus do something, but there’s never been anything that provided a safe space for our community.
“I’m sure I don’t need to tell any of you how tough it is to go out, even in an area as safe as UNCW.” He looked to each one of us, seeming more like a political candidate than a recent college grad. A few simply shrugged, the rest of us nodded in agreement. My situation was unique, but I knew Trevor was still a long way from being comfortable in most public spaces and there was no way he’d be comfortable going out to a nice dinner on a night tailored to romance. This seemed like the perfect solution to me, but we had a month to pull off whatever he’d planned. That wasn’t enough time in the best of scenarios, and all of us had things like classes, and in some cases, jobs, to worry about. Lisette chimed in with that exact sentiment from the opposite end of the table. Jayden smiled and looked to Levi, who nodded.
“We were hoping you’d be on board to be the class that finally got this idea off the ground.” He spoke animatedly and I wished we’d had more than one semester together. It was apparent this wasn’t just a club to him; it was a passion, one that he’d miss now that he was on to his next adventure in life. “Levi and I spent some time while y’all were home drawing up a tentative proposal.”
He handed out flier mock-ups to each of us. They were damn good. Muttered approval circulated around the table. “And Port Java is cool with hosting?”
The question was directed at Levi since he worked here. Or so we thought. “Yeah, you guys have an in with the owner.”
“Huh?” Seth’s face twisted in confusion.
“This place is mine. We’ve been short-staffed lately, so I’ve been picking up the slack.” That explained why he always seemed to be there. It was impressive that he had built this business at such a young age. Of course, I didn’t know exactly how old he was, but I’d have bet he couldn’t be more than twenty-five.
“Port Java started out as a project for my Business Development class, and by the time I graduated, it had become my obsession,” he explained. “I thought about leaving the area, but then I remembered the abysmal options if you were in the mood to grab coffee and chill. Now, I doubt I’ll ever leave.”
I don’t think any of us missed the way he looked at Jayden. The two of them seemed to be getting pretty serious about one another. I smiled, wondering if that’d be Trevor and me someday.
We spent the next two hours discussing the details of our Over the Rainbow Valentine’s Day something or other. Okay, so the verbiage still needed some work, but the bones of the event were in place by the time we called it a night.
Seth seemed a bit somber on the walk back to our dorm. I debated leaving him to stew in his thoughts but decided the new year was a perfect time to try to be a better person. For Trevor, that meant working through his issues regarding being gay and us being together. For me, it meant stepping out of my comfort zone, even when it meant dealing with icky things like
emotions.
“Hey, you okay?” I bumped my shoulder against his, nearly knocking him into the road. He worried his bottom lip between his teeth, pulling up the hood of his sweatshirt as if trying to shut out the outside world. Seth let out a heavy sigh, looking anywhere but in my direction. He cleared his throat a few times, but no words followed.
I wasn’t going to push him to talk to me. I hated being on the receiving end of that treatment, so I wasn’t about to pressure someone else. Instead, I ran through everything that had happened tonight, trying to figure out where things went south for Seth. He’d been in good spirits earlier. Single guy in the closet. Valentine’s Day. Of course.
Without thinking about what I was doing, I reached out and squeezed Seth’s shoulder to let him know he wasn’t alone. I knew saying the words would come across as a hollow sentiment, but I wanted him to feel that there was someone he could talk to if and when he was ready.
We were almost back to the quad when Seth finally spoke. “You’re really lucky, you know that?”
“Yeah, I do.” I realized instantly that it might not have been the right thing to say, even if it was the truth. “But why’d you say that?”
“You and Trevor grew up together. You never had to wonder if you’d ever find someone who’d be interested in you.”
“True, but that doesn’t mean it’s been all roses for us, either,” I pointed out. God, if only I could tell Seth how complicated my relationship was without chasing him off. Without pissing off Trevor. “There are always hurdles you have to overcome, but you will. I know it may not seem like it right now, but eventually, you’ll hit it off with someone and that’ll be it.”
Seth scoffed, kicking at the hard ground beneath his feet. “Yeah, because all the gay boys want someone who looks like they’re twelve and can’t see without their coke bottle glasses.”
He smoothed down the front of his sweatshirt and I noticed how much baggier it seemed now than it had before break. I directed him to a bench in front of our building, not wanting to go inside until I knew he was in a better headspace. His problems were quite literally eating away at him from the inside; my own relationship issues seemed to pale in comparison. “Look, you can’t do anything about your height. Maybe you’ll have a late growth spurt, maybe you won’t, but that’s something out of your control. As for the glasses, have you considered getting a pair that fits your face and style a bit better?”
“What style?” He gave me a pointed look before taking in his current outfit. Yeah, so maybe he didn’t have any style, but like the glasses, that seemed more a product of his upbringing more than a lack of interest. I was so out of my element here. “I know you’re trying to help me feel better, but there’s nothing you can do.”
“Not true.” Trevor had a study group tomorrow night, so he’d be home late again. We may not be able to completely revamp his wardrobe, but giving him a tiny self-confidence boost might help. And once we found a mall nearby, I’d work on getting him to trade in his plastic-framed glasses with thick lenses for something a bit sleeker. Under his nerd facade, he wasn’t a bad looking guy. “I’ll borrow the Jeep from Trevor tomorrow and we’ll go shopping.”
“And that’s going to make the guys fall all over themselves to get to me?” He quirked an eyebrow, still not believing he wasn’t doomed to be alone forever. “You’re a good friend to even try, but I’ll still be the same guy I am now, even if you clean me up.”
“Yeah, and I think the guy inside is pretty cool. After all, I don’t make a point of hanging out with losers,” I quipped. “Is that all that’s bugging you?”
Seth shook his head. I heard faint sniffling, which could’ve been caused by an impending emotional breakdown or the damp chill in the air. I hoped for the latter but had a feeling it was the former. We sat in the dark, watching students trickle in and out of the building. Occasionally, a laugh would float across the air, but otherwise it was a quiet evening. The phone buzzed in my pocket, most likely a text from Trevor asking me where I was. I considered checking to make sure it was nothing urgent but decided to give my full attention to Seth. Trevor would understand once I explained the situation.
“If you wanna talk about it, I don’t have anywhere I need to be.”
“You still have homework to get done,” he reminded me. True, but I wasn’t looking forward to the required reading. There was time to catch up before the next exam.
“And you had no problem talking me into putting it off when we were going to Port Java.”
“Trevor’s probably up there waiting for you.”
“He can wait. There’s nothing in the boyfriend handbook that says I have to be there waiting for him the moment he walks through the door.”
“I wouldn’t know,” he snapped back. Shit, leave it to me to say the exact wrong thing. “Is that something they hand out when you get your first boyfriend or is there an initiation process first?”
Damn, even when he was upset, the kid had a snarky side. We needed to find a way to get him to show that a bit more often, because it was preferable to the socially awkward, insecure demeanor he played up most of the time.
“I’ll loan you my copy. It’s not like I’ve ever followed the rules.” Seth chuckled, but it sounded hollow. “Look, I know you don’t want to hear this from someone who’s in a committed relationship, but college is the perfect place to meet someone. You’re here, away from your parents’ watchful eyes with no one to tell you what you can or can’t do. You already took a huge step by joining the LGBTQ Alliance, which may not be a place meant to hook up, but it is a group where you’ll find people who accept you for who you are. And that, my friend, is sometimes the scariest part of all.”
15
Trevor
Coming home to an empty room shouldn’t have bothered me, but it did. I’d grown accustomed to Gabe waiting up for me, even though he complained constantly that he was bored. And yes, I’d told him to find something to do with his time because we couldn’t be one another’s entire world, but I hadn’t fully prepared myself for him to actually follow my suggestion for once. He was spending more time with Seth and his friends from the Alliance, leaving me alone to worry about whether or not we were drifting apart.
A plan I’d been mulling over the past few nights solidified in my mind, and I wanted to get away from campus for the weekend. I wasn’t comfortable with the routine we’d fallen into, and my disappointment that he wasn’t sitting here waiting for me like a 50s housewife bugged me. I worried I was starting to see Gabe as a fixture in my life, a knickknack on a shelf gathering dust when he deserved to be the centerpiece. Our getaway to New York had been the first time we’d truly been able to focus on Gabe and Trevor as a couple, and this weekend I wanted to prove to him that I would still find a way to make more memories like those, even when I was drowning in homework.
Gabe was trying his best to be patient about my obsessive studying during the week, but I often wondered if he’d grow tired. College, for him, was more a necessity he wanted to get through so he could figure out what he wanted to do with the rest of his life. He’d never been passionate about learning and sure as hell hadn’t worked his entire life to follow a childhood dream. Sometimes, I wondered if he’d have gone to school at all if it wasn’t something his parents drilled into his head as a requirement for adulthood. Now that I’d committed to focusing on Gabe for the weekend, the words on the page in front of me didn’t make any sense. The harder I stared, the more the letters swam around. Irritated, I slammed the cover closed and shoved the book back in my bag.
Gabe still wasn’t home, and I didn’t want to text him and make him think he needed to rush back from wherever he’d gone, so I grabbed the laptop and kicked back on the bed to figure out where we could go. It was too cold to enjoy the beach, but that also meant we’d be able to find a room cheap. And really, most of the places we’d be able to drive for a quick getaway would be along the water. Myrtle Beach was less than two hours down the coast as opposed to f
our hours to the Outer Banks, so that was the way we’d go.
My plan hit a snag when every hotel I searched required you to be twenty-one to rent a room. After calling five hotels that didn’t have an age requirement listed on their websites and being told the same thing from all of them, I was about ready to give up.
There was one other possibility, but I wasn’t looking forward to the prying questions that’d come with a place to stay. I flipped the phone over in my hands for a solid minute before sucking in a deep breath and hitting the call button.
“Trevor, is everything okay?” I mentally kicked myself when I realized it was close to eleven. Dad tried to stifle a yawn on the other end of the phone, but I knew he’d already been asleep.
“Sorry, didn’t think about how late it was,” I apologized. “Nothing’s wrong, I swear. If you want, I can call you back tomorrow.”
“I’m already up, might as well chat. Plus, maybe I’ll get up and make your mom something to eat for when she gets home from work. It’s good to surprise the people who mean the most to you.”
It was still bizarre that he not only knew about Gabe and me, but he was so supportive. He’d spent the second half of winter break dropping little hints about how to be a good partner and hang onto the person you loved. That was Dad’s way. Where Mom hovered, trying to protect me from any possible danger, Dad was much more the type to arm me for battle and send me on my way.
“Funny you should say that.” My chuckle sounded forced, but it really was amusing that he’d laid the groundwork for my request without knowing it. “I know you called in a favor for our trip to New York and I don’t want you to think I’m trying to take advantage of you, but I’ve got a problem.”
