Her face had paled and her entire body trembled. He’d reached for her several times during the discussion. Once or twice he was afraid she was going to pass out, but she held her own and confronted her parents. Meanwhile, he sat by doing nothing, saying nothing. Holding her hand, stroking her back, was all he had to offer.
He’d tried to talk, to offer her comfort, but the words stuck in his throat. This ran much deeper than a physical hurt, and none of his skills had prepared him to say the right thing in this kind of situation.
The drive home after dinner was a lot like when they’d left her trailer that first night. Rachel had stared silently out the window. When they reached the house, she’d crept up the stairs while he stared after her. She closed the door and clicked the lock. She hadn’t locked the door since her first night here.
Chloe had padded carefully behind Rachel, lying in front of the door, her nose under the crack at the bottom.
If he could, he’d crawl in beside Rachel and hold her. Instead, he waited and listened for Rachel as Chloe did.
Thank God she had a counseling session tomorrow morning. Maybe he should join her for support and gain some insight for himself. His experiences in Afghanistan and the sheriff’s department hadn’t prepared him for the pain of sitting beside Rachel, tears streaming down her cheeks. Her mournful cries had dug into his gut, shredding his insides. The Bennetts, a hometown family everyone pointed to as idyllic, his second family, had secrets.
In the end, though, Rachel’s dad was right—the love was there, no matter what. She may not have felt cherished growing up, and they may not have shown as much affection as she wanted, but he’d grown up without parents at all, and the Bennetts had treated him as their own. They loved her, no matter what a piece of paper said.
She needed to come to that conclusion on her own, though. She’d made a lot of progress so far. It would take time to erase the rest of her doubts.
Now he had to keep this big secret from Lucas, Michael, and Joey. She hadn’t discussed a plan on whether they would tell her brothers. Still, hanging out with Joey, knowing the truth about the rift between Rachel and her parents, was gonna be tough.
Sawyer swirled amber liquid in his glass. He rarely drank more than a beer or two, but he’d stashed a bottle of liquor above the stove for especially rough days. This one qualified. The liquid in the glass churned like a storm brewing—much like the eruption that had exploded in their life today.
He tipped the glass and swallowed the shot in one gulp. The whiskey burned a streak down his throat. He poured another and tossed that back, too. How many shots would he need to supplant the burning ache in his chest?
Getting drunk wouldn’t erase his troubles.
The heartbroken woman upstairs was his responsibility. She’d been on the bad side of a drunk already and didn’t need to see him staggering around.
He slammed the glass on the table and flung the books and papers aside. “Dammit.”
He clasped his hands behind his head. The air conditioner kicked in and the fan rattled. The motor on his computer on the desk revved. The white noise pricked his already frayed nerves. Maybe he’d rest for a few minutes while Rachel was upstairs. By the time she came down, he’d be ready to face her. Right now, he was out of ideas. Whenever he opened his mouth, the sentiments that weighed heavy in his heart wouldn’t come out. She’d been through two traumatic events already, and he could only muster a few supportive words. He hated feeling useless.
No wonder he’d never gotten serious about another woman. Relationships required a couple to talk about their feelings, the good and the bad. If he had his way, he’d let everything work itself out, no discussion required. But that wouldn’t work with Rachel. She’d already been through a stifling relationship that had forced her into silence.
Movement woke him from a heavy sleep as Rachel climbed onto his lap. He shifted her, cupped her head, and settled her on his chest. He stroked her back in rhythm with her ragged breathing. This he could do.
Quiet, heart-wrenching sobs wet his chest. What could he say? If he stumbled over his words, like he normally did, he might make her feel worse.
“You’ll be all right.” Ugh, that was terrible. A mother told a child that after the kid skinned his or her knee.
“I don’t know how to get past all of this.”
He didn’t, either. He was way out of his comfort zone. Give him a criminal to interrogate or an enemy to take out, and he was your man. But helping Rachel sort through such feelings of betrayal wasn’t his forte. “I want to say the right thing to make you feel better. I know things are hard right now, but I can promise tomorrow will be easier. You did the hard part.”
“What do I do now?”
“We’ll figure something out.” When had they become a “we”? He stroked her back again. “What are you thinking right now?”
“So many things.” She sniffled. “My mind is racing. My head understands everything they said, why they handled things the way they did. Even on the surface, I can understand why my mother….”
“But…”
“But my heart can’t get over all of the lies, all of the years of feeling like I didn’t belong.”
“You don’t have to get over it. You may never. You just need to figure out how to move on from here.”
When she snuggled into his chest, her bottom sank deeper against his groin. Now was not the time to think of her soft body against his. Rachel needed comfort, not groping. There was only one way to kill his growing erection. Car accidents. Drugged-out felons. Shane’s fingers gripping around Rachel’s neck.
“Would you do something for me?” Her breath heated his chest through his shirt.
“Anything.” C’mon, get your mind outta the gutter, buddy.
“Would you teach me karate, jujitsu, or something like that?”
He shifted her on his lap so he could look her in the eye. “Why, honey?”
She sighed. “So I can defend myself.”
She lowered her head back to his chest and he hugged her tighter. No one should have to worry about how to defend themselves, but if Rachel wanted to learn, he would teach her. Between his military training and hand-to-hand combat skills drilled into him at the sheriff’s department, he could instruct her on some basic moves. “You have an appointment with Dr. James in the morning, right?”
“Yeah.”
“We can go to the station afterwards and use the gym. There are mirrors on the walls and mats on the floor. We do our own training there.” But how would he feel with her on his turf, his safety zone where he punched his frustrations out on a bag?
“Are you sure it’s okay for me to be there?”
No, it’s probably not a good idea. “Absolutely.” Now that was settled, it just left one niggling question. “Do you want me to come with you to your appointment?”
She lifted her head. “You’d do that for me?”
He shifted her so her legs straddled him. He cupped her cheeks. “Don’t you understand? I’ll do anything for you.” Now that he’d admitted it to her, he’d better damn well follow through. Hell, he’d tear down the walls he’d spent his entire life building if it meant being there for Rachel.
She brushed her lips across his. Once, then again. Her eyes closed and a small smile tilted her lips. God, he could kiss this woman all day long. Why had he spent so much time convincing himself this was a bad idea, that he couldn’t have her? He had his doubts, but he couldn’t remember one of them while her warm body cuddled on his lap.
He gathered her against his chest. Warmth caressed his skin. A month ago, he’d never expected to find himself here, and he wasn’t letting go.
“I appreciate the offer. Maybe another time. Dr. James and I have a lot to discuss tomorrow.”
He stroked the silky strands of her hair, the soft waves falling over his fingers. “You tell me when you’re ready, and I’ll be there.”
“Thank you.” She curled against him.
Somehow, when h
e was looking the other way, Rachel had snuck around his well-honed defenses. His once teenage crush was now a full-blown attraction to the woman on his lap. What in the hell did he do now? He closed his eyes and rested his head against hers. The muscles that had been tense since dinner finally softened. His heart beat calmed from the rapid beat it kicked as soon as Rachel climbed onto him. Chloe’s light breathing where she’d taken up residence on the couch soothed his ears. She knew better than to get on the couch, but he didn’t have the energy to scold her.
The shadows cutting across the room grew longer as he continued to hold Rachel. Darkness filled the living room. Rachel had fallen asleep in his lap. It was no wonder, with everything she’d been through.
His stomach grumbled. He hadn’t eaten much at dinner, too worried about Rachel and the conversation she planned for afterwards. Rachel had only pushed the food around her plate, too. She must be starving. But he couldn’t budge as long as her soft curves were tucked against him. Chloe had even shoved her nose beside his leg, her soulful eyes watching Rachel.
His stomach growled again. This time, Rachel shifted. She raised her head and squinted. “I guess I fell asleep, huh?”
“Yep. You were tired. But now, what both of us need is food.” That wasn’t all he needed. Rachel shifted precariously and brushed against his erection that thickened from the contact.
“Neither one of us ate much earlier.”
He slid her off his lap and set her feet on the floor. He couldn’t take her wiggling on top of him another minute. He ripped his shirt out of his jeans. Maybe she hadn’t noticed his growing erection, but she’d probably felt it. If so, she had nothing to say about it, thank God. “I can throw on some pasta if you’d like.”
“That sounds good. How about I take Chloe out back while we’re waiting?”
Chloe rushed to the door, barked twice, and leapt in the air.
“I think she approves.”
He couldn’t let her go without a kiss. Now that his heart and his head were catching up to each other, his body craved her touch. She came to him willingly, her arms around his neck. Her soft lips brushed his mouth.
“More later,” he whispered against her lips, her hot breath blowing across his face.
Her eyes lit up. “Promise?”
Chapter Seventeen
“HOW HAVE THE past few days been, Rachel?” Dr. James sat in her armchair while Rachel perched on the edge of the couch.
Boy, talk about a loaded question. For all of the times Rachel had resisted coming here, today she’d bounded down to breakfast, anxious for her appointment. Since walking out of her parents’ house, she’d relived the confrontation with her mother and father over and over. If anyone could point her in the right direction, Dr. James was the person. “Rough.”
“How so?”
Dr. James had prepared Rachel for talking to her parents, but they hadn’t discussed what to do afterwards. “I talked to my parents yesterday.”
“Tell me about the conversation.”
Where should she start? Since yesterday, so many thoughts had bounced around in her mind. “They admitted the other birth certificate was real.”
“That’s a start.”
“I didn’t know what to say. For a while I kept hoping everything was one big mistake and Dad was my real father. But I know the truth now.” She rubbed her locket, the photos taking on new meaning. She still had a lot of healing to do, but at least she had facts and wasn’t dealing with assumptions and misinformation.
“What is the truth?”
“My parents separated before I was born. While they were apart, Mom was with another man. I’m the result of that relationship.”
“How does this make you feel?”
Rachel had asked herself the same question a thousand times. Her biological father had signed away his rights—another person who didn’t care about her. If he’d cared, even a little, he would have remained a part of her life, right? Even if Dad adopted her. Was she nothing to this man? Did he even know what she looked like?
Talking through her feelings of exclusion had helped a lot. She’d blamed every disappointment of her life on her birth certificate. But once her parents had shared their struggles raising a girl after three boys, she’d understood… sort of. How were they to know she’d been begging for attention? She’d chosen to act out instead of confront her parents.
And through all of her turmoil during the difficult conversation, Sawyer had kept her calm. He always seemed to be there when she needed his help or comfort. Like he knew before she did what would make her feel better. “I’m not sure how to explain the thoughts in my mind. My head thinks one thing but my heart feels another.”
“That’s not uncommon. Tell me more about what your head is thinking.”
“My father loves me. I may have doubted his love, but that seemed to be more about questioning my birth certificate than his love for me. All my life, I thought I should have been treated the same as Lucas, Michael, and Joey. I know better now. They apologized for treating me differently growing up. We were different people and we deserved to be treated like individuals.”
Dr. James’s legs remained crossed as she scratched a few notes on her pad, and then she looked up but didn’t speak.
Damn her. She asked more with her silence than her opened-ended questions. Maybe she knew the quiet made Rachel’s mind race.
“My mother told my father about the affair right away, and he forgave her. They even explained about my real father, er, my biological father. Mom and Dad said he signed away his parental rights, not because he didn’t want me, but because he wanted me to be happy. He thought being with Mom and Dad was for the best.”
“And were you… happy?”
“For a long time, I focused on the bad things about my childhood. Finding my birth certificate tainted my memories. But I’ve started to remember more of the good times, like playing basketball with my brothers or Joey and I tromping through the creek. My parents loved me, no matter how much I tried to convince myself otherwise. My brothers love me. I know that, and if I didn’t know before, all I have to do is look at how supportive they’ve been since Shane. And before, even.”
“What do your brothers think about all of this?”
“They don’t know. My parents let me decide when and how to tell them.”
“Do you want to?”
Rachel shrugged. “I don’t know. My mind has been going in circles since yesterday.”
“Do you think you having a different father will affect how they feel about you?”
“No.” A quick answer, but the right one. Her brothers would love her, no matter what. But would this information change their feelings about Mom and Dad? Regardless, this secret had eaten away at Rachel’s soul, and she’d had enough. She couldn’t hide this from her brothers. Michael would be the first to be told. He was the logical one of the bunch, and he could investigate her father now. Regardless of what her parents said, she had to know more. Joey would be last. He was too emotional for his own good sometimes.
“Well, you need to remember, nothing will make them stop loving you or you loving them. If you keep that in mind, you can get through anything.”
“I guess. I’ve been so focused on the secret surrounding my birth certificate and I let that overpower our relationship for so long. It’s hard to change directions, even though I want to.” Sawyer hadn’t left her side, even after the bombshell she’d dropped at dinner. Her relationship with her brothers could weather this, too.
“So, let’s take a few minutes and talk about Shane.”
Rachel’s heart clenched. Thanks to her parents, he’d been pushed to the back of her mind the past couple of days. If only she could have a little more time before she had to dissect that part of her life. But maybe confronting it now was for the best. Shane probably wouldn’t have happened if she hadn’t been questioning everything about her life at the time.
“Think back to the first time he said something mean to y
ou, the first time he yelled at you. The first time he behaved badly toward you.”
That was easy. They’d been dating about six months when she’d stayed late at work. They’d been busy and a waitress called in sick. She’d stayed an extra hour to help close. Shane had been waiting for her. When she finally got home, he accused her of cheating on him.
“I see your wheels turning. Do you want to share that moment?”
Rachel gave her the short version of the incident. The doctor remained her usual stoic self.
“When Shane accused you of cheating on him, how did you react?”
“I apologized for being late. I swore to him I didn’t cheat on him. I begged him to believe me.”
“Did you ever question why he didn’t trust you?”
“What? Um, no.” Shane’s jealousy hadn’t been about trust, at least in her mind. Of course he trusted her. He’d said he didn’t trust guys around her. Being so pretty, he didn’t want others hitting on her. She ate up the compliment. He wouldn’t be jealous if he didn’t love her, right?
The reality was much more sinister. In her efforts to please him, she’d stepped back from any situation he didn’t like, which had resulted in her isolation. Afterwards, Shane’s jabs and little insults escalated. She became more pleasing so he’d be happy. If she couldn’t make him happy, she’d failed—failed the way she’d assumed her parents had failed her.
“I see I’ve given you something to think about.” Dr. James folded her notebook. “I do want to say, Rachel, I’m pleased at how hard you’ve been working. I know none of this is easy. Digging deep and admitting things we’d rather not never is. You’re doing really well. Don’t be surprised, though, if things get worse before they get better. Give yourself time to process everything and mourn what you thought you knew so you can embrace your new reality. I think when you finally do, you’ll be pretty happy with who you end up being.”
“Thanks, Dr. James. It has been hard. But I’ve got Sawyer, and he’s been great.”
One Last Chance: A Small-Town Romance (Oak Grove series Book 3) Page 16
