Smoke and Fire

by Julie Cannon

  Brady gathered Nicole close and kissed her passionately. She pulled away and looked into Nicole’s eyes. “Please let me touch you.”

  Brady knew she’d said the wrong thing the instant it was out of her mouth. Fear replaced passion and Nicole froze. “Nicole, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to push. It’s just that you’re so beautiful, and it makes me crazy not to be able to touch you.”

  “I can’t.” Nicole’s words were so quiet they were less than a whisper.

  Brady lifted Nicole’s chin but she averted her eyes. “Nicole, please look at me.” Brady was ready to repeat her words when Nicole finally made eye contact. Pain filled her eyes, and Brady felt like a complete shit.

  “Hey,” she said silently, and stroked her cheek. “I won’t do anything unless you tell me to.” She repeated her promise. She didn’t want to scare Nicole away. She’d never come back. It was several agonizing moments before Nicole lowered her head again.

  “Cold?” Nicole asked several hours later. Brady was on her stomach and Nicole’s hot breath had moved to her neck.

  Brady shivered both from what Nicole was doing to her and where the cool night air hit her damp skin. “No,” Brady managed to say, her throat parched from gasping and breathing too hard and fast.

  “Then why are you shivering?”

  “Because you’re making me crazy.” Nicole was taking her time, and Brady was so wired again she could explode any minute.

  “In a good way, I hope.”

  Without thinking, Brady slid her hand under her, but before she reached her target Nicole stopped. She felt her weight shift off her.

  “If you’re going to do that then you don’t need me.”

  Brady did need Nicole more than she wanted to admit and quickly removed her hand and grabbed the sheet above her head instead. She squirmed, craving Nicole’s heat on her again. She didn’t have to wait long.

  Nicole’s hand started to drift down her back and between the crack of her ass. Brady instinctively arched to get closer to her tantalizing touch. “Oh, I need you all right. But if you don’t touch me soon, I’m going to spontaneously combust.”

  Nicole chuckled at the same time she slid a hot finger inside her. She moaned so loud she almost didn’t hear Nicole say, “Aren’t you lucky I used to put out fires?”

  “Then do it, goddamnit.” Brady was beyond asking, had long since passed begging and was now demanding release.

  Nicole flicked her thumb over Brady’s clit and she exploded. Her head pounded; red, blue, and white lights flashed behind her eyelids; and she felt as if she were suspended in time. She wanted this moment to go on forever.

  It almost did. Just as she was coming down, Nicole turned her over, spread her legs wide, and stared at her. Brady barely had enough strength to rise on her elbows to look at Nicole, what she saw almost making her come again.

  The light from the lamp in the corner was enough for her to see pure, raw desire burning in Nicole’s brilliantly blue eyes. When their eyes met it was as if they were connected by some unseen force. Brady couldn’t look away, and when Nicole bent her head neither did she.

  Brady watched as Nicole licked her clit gently, then harder and faster as Brady couldn’t help but respond. Their eyes remained locked as Nicole loved her and Brady showed her just how good it felt.

  Chapter Twenty-four

  “When are you leaving?” Brady asked, breaking the silence in the room. Her voice was muffled by Nicole’s shoulder.

  “Later today.” Nicole glanced at the bright-blue numbers on the clock on the nightstand. She had four hours. Brady and her crew would remain on site for another few days, tying up loose ends, making sure all the equipment was secure for transport either back to the rental company or the next job site. The eight fires McMillan was fighting in Greslikstan were out.

  Nicole watched the fan blade spin in circles and felt like that was her life now. Going in circles but getting nowhere. She closed her eyes and visualized what they might look like from above.

  The bed was more than a little rumpled, the sheets tangled around their legs. The pillows were on the floor scattered around the bed, except for the one under her head. Brady lay in her arms as naked as she had been the night before except Nicole had on a completely different set of clothes. How ridiculous she must look. She felt ridiculous yet couldn’t do anything about it.

  “Where are you going after this?” Nicole asked.

  “Home. Gonna take some time off and unwind.”

  Nicole wanted to say something, but an overwhelming sadness filled her to the point she couldn’t think. She could barely breathe. Brady must have sensed it because she untangled herself from the sheets and her arms.

  “I guess I’d better go,” Brady said, sitting up and looking around for her clothes.

  Nicole wanted to pull her back down and keep her there, but she didn’t. There was no future in this. She’d had this same conversation with herself yesterday and had reached the same conclusion. This wouldn’t be enough for a woman like Brady, and she couldn’t give any more. Reluctantly she let her go. Her pulse raced again at the sight of Brady’s long, lean body gathering up her clothes before she closed the bathroom door behind her.

  As Brady showered, Nicole got dressed, fighting the urge to join her. Wouldn’t that be something? If she did she’d have to either take off her clothes or stand in the shower completely clothed and be totally humiliated.

  She wanted to feel Brady’s body against her, feel her skin against hers. She wanted Brady’s hands on her, in her, all over her, and she’d almost let her last night. In a moment of weakness Nicole had reached for Brady’s hand and was guiding it to the button on her pants before she realized what she was doing. She’d stopped herself in time, grasping Brady’s hand in hers instead.

  Her clothes were rumpled and she smelled like smoke. Quickly she changed into a pair of sweatpants and a long-sleeve T-shirt with the McMillan logo on the back. She ran her fingers over her face and checked her wig. As together as she could be, she turned on the light beside the bed and walked around to turn on the other one. She couldn’t help but glance at the bed, and when she did memories flashed through her mind, accompanied by a hundred different emotions she couldn’t identify.

  Obviously passion was one, as were desire and simple, plain lust, but also tenderness, concern, and warmth. Nicole had chemistry with Brady, yet she held back at the same time. She had to, for her own self-preservation. She didn’t know whether to run or to stay, whether to let Brady go or push her away or ask her to stay. But for what? Another few hours? Then what? She was leaving later today. She’d already postponed her departure once; she couldn’t do it again. She had obligations, significant obligations, and she had to get back to the office.

  And what happened then? She certainly wasn’t going to ask to see Brady again, and she knew Brady wouldn’t. Funny how after such a short time together she felt like she’d known her forever. Except she could never figure out what she was thinking.

  Brady was very good at masking her emotions. If only…Nicole stopped herself. There was no if only. There would be no if only. She couldn’t live on if onlys. She’d painfully learned to put those thoughts away, close the door, bolt it, and throw away the key. It only tore her guts out. And she wouldn’t do that to herself again.

  “Nicole?” Brady said, bringing her thoughts back to the present.

  She looked up, embarrassed that Brady had caught her staring at the bed, the effects of their lovemaking clearly evident. Brady was freshly showered, her hair still wet. Her clothes were a bit wrinkled from where they’d been tossed on the floor. God, she looked good.

  Her constant burning for Brady kicked in but she didn’t let herself act on it. Instead she walked toward her, and Brady met her halfway. Brady waited for her to say something. Nicole said what she had to, not what she wanted to. “You be careful out there.”

  “I will.”

  Brady gazed at her, and Nicole suspected she’d hoped she’d s
ay something different. If only…No. Nicole, do not go there.

  “I know you will.”

  They stood there for several seconds, Brady’s eyes piercing. Nicole felt as if she were being swept up into a vortex, Brady pulling out of her what she couldn’t do on her own. She was very close, and if Brady gazed at her like that much longer, her resolve would ultimately crumble. She couldn’t risk it.

  Brady finally stepped forward, cupped her cheeks with both hands, and kissed her. Nicole was afraid she’d break with the tenderness of Brady’s kiss. It was soft and sweet and light, obviously a good-bye kiss. A remember-me kiss. When Brady broke away she didn’t look at her.

  “Take care, Nicole,” Brady said, just before she turned, crossed the room, and closed the heavy door behind her.

  Chapter Twenty-five

  If Nicole thought the flight over was torture, the flight back was sheer agony. She didn’t even try to occupy her mind with work, a book, movie, or chatting with her seatmate. As soon as she was settled in, she leaned her head back, closed her eyes, and relived every moment she’d spent with Brady, only rousing when it was time to eat, use the bathroom, or simply stretch her legs.

  She went through the motions of gathering her luggage, clearing customs, and driving home. She unpacked, tossed in a load of laundry, and checked her home phone for messages. Two were from friends inviting her out for a drink on Saturday, the other from her mother.

  “Nicole, sweetheart, it’s your mother.” Why does she do that, Nicole thought irritably. Like after all these years she wouldn’t recognize either the greeting or her mother’s voice. “Your father and I would like you to come over for dinner Thursday night. I know it’s a workday, but I’m sure you can pry yourself away at a decent time to join us.” Nicole couldn’t miss the dismissal-like tone of “workday” and the intentional jab at her devotion to her job. Any other parent would have simply asked her over. How was she related to this woman?

  She erased the message and picked up the phone. After confirming that she would arrive as summoned, she grabbed a beer out of the fridge and headed to the patio.

  The next few days Nicole felt as if she were in a fog, just a half step behind what was going on around her. She felt sluggish and irritable and attributed it to jet lag. She’d never had problems with time change, but she was six years older than the last time she flew across the world. She had trouble focusing on her work, meetings seemed to go on forever, and for the first time in her life she wanted to be out of the office more than in.

  Charlotte called her on it later in the week over dinner. She’d invited Nicole over and was grilling steaks on the patio. “Are you going to tell me about it?” Charlotte asked, turning down the fire and closing the lid.

  Nicole was propped against the rail of the deck, her back to her. She didn’t even bother to pretend she didn’t know what Charlotte was talking about. “How do you know me so well, Charlotte?”

  “Because I love you and care about you.”

  Nicole shrugged. “I had dinner with my parents last night. My mother never stopped talking. It was as if she didn’t even see me.” That dinner wasn’t much different from any of the other dozens of dinners, but somehow this time Nicole noticed what it had really been like. Her father had lost most of his ability to communicate and sat silently in the chair across from her. Her mother never asked about her friends, her work, or anything remotely personal. She kept reminding Nicole of the myriad of social obligations she had as both the daughter of DD McMillan and the president of McMillan Suppression. Like she needed reminding.

  “You and your mother are very different.”

  “I used to wish you were my mother,” Nicole admitted, still not turning around. She’d never told Charlotte that before, believing it was disrespectful to her mother. Now she didn’t really care.

  “Why has it taken me this long to see who she really is? She’s more concerned with appearances and obligations than she is with my happiness.”

  “Are you happy?”

  “I thought I was,” Nicole admitted for the first time. Maybe that’s what it was. Maybe that’s why she felt that her life no longer revolved completely around her work.

  “You met someone?”

  Nicole’s heart jumped and her pulse started to race just thinking about Brady. “Yes.”

  Charlotte put her arm around her shoulders. “Let’s eat first and you can tell me about her over my best bottle of wine.”

  It was the best wine Nicole had ever tasted, and when Charlotte told her she’d picked it up at the grocery store, Nicole had to laugh. “And to think what Mom served last night probably cost north of a hundred dollars a bottle and gave me a headache.”

  “Did you expect anything different?”

  Nicole shook her head. “No.”

  Charlotte refilled their glasses several times, neither of them speaking. Finally Nicole said, “Her name is Brady.”

  Charlotte didn’t say anything else, her way of letting Nicole talk when she was ready to. It didn’t take long. “She’s the most amazing woman I’ve ever met. She’s smart, speaks two other languages, and is incredible. Her eyes are so dark they almost glow, and her smile lights up the sky. Her laughter fills the air around her, and I swear I expect to see little butterflies flying around her head. She’s strong but not overwhelming, yet she can bring me to my knees with just a whisper.”

  “When do I get to meet her?”

  “You don’t.”

  “Why not?” Charlotte asked with no hint of anger in her statement.

  “Because it’s over.”

  “Sounds to me like it didn’t even get started.”

  “Oh, it got started all right.” Nicole’s face heated. Maybe Charlotte would think it was from the wine. No, she knew better than that.

  “So why did you end it?”

  Nicole looked at her friend, mentor, and the only one she trusted with this conversation. “How do you know I did?” Charlotte looked at her as if to say, “Please, I know you better than you know yourself,” and she probably did.

  “Because nothing could come of it.”

  “What does that mean?”

  “We were together but…I…ugh…never took my clothes off.” God, what a humiliating memory.

  “I see,” Charlotte said, nodding. “What did Brady say about that?”

  “Nothing.”

  “Nothing? She said nothing?”

  “Nope.”

  “Why?”

  “Because she knew I couldn’t. That’s what makes her incredible.”

  “Did you even try?”

  “No.”

  “And that’s why you ended it?”

  “Yes.” The word felt like a brick in her stomach.

  Charlotte didn’t say anything for a few minutes, and when she did Nicole was surprised. “Nicole, I’ve never told you what to do or how to live your life, but I’m going to now. You cannot live without love in your life.” Charlotte held up her hand, silencing Nicole. “And I’m not talking about me or your parents. I’m talking about the love of another person, the person who makes you bigger, better, and stronger than you ever thought you could be. The one who you can’t stop thinking about and makes you nuts at the same time. The person who, if you didn’t spend the rest of your life with, you would regret it for the rest of your life. You need that, Nicole. Some people don’t, but you do, and you have to be strong enough to grab it.”

  Nicole stared at Charlotte. She’d never said anything remotely like this to her. She’d always been nothing but completely supportive of whatever Nicole chose to do with her life, but it was obvious she thought she’d made the wrong decision on this one.

  “I will love you whatever your choices are, Nicole, you know that. But I will tell you I will not be happy if you let this slip through your fingers.”

  Nicole drove home feeling like she’d just received a scolding. She was a grown woman, for crying out loud, more than capable of making her own decisions. She didn’t need
anyone’s permission or approval to live her life any damn way she wanted. Fortified with resolve to take back control of her life, she pushed the accelerator to the floor.

  Chapter Twenty-six

  “You’ve become quite the homebody, Brady.”

  “No, I haven’t,” Brady said, pushing the peas around on Mrs. C’s flowered dinner plates.

  “It’s Friday night and you’re having dinner with us.”

  “And what’s so wrong with that?”

  “Nothing, if it was once in a while, but you’ve spent almost every night with us since you got home.”

  Brady wasn’t the slightest bit hungry but put a spoon of mashed potatoes in her mouth to be polite. Mrs. C did the same.

  “And if you don’t stop pushing your food around on your plate and eat, you’re going to waste away into nothing.”

  “I’m just not very hungry,” Brady replied. She’d been out of sorts since leaving Nicole’s hotel room two weeks ago. The walk to the elevator was only a dozen yards or so but felt like a trip to the cold side of the moon. Her heart was heavy, her limbs sluggish, as if they had a mind of their own and didn’t want to walk away. She certainly didn’t. But what choice did she have?

  She hadn’t known what to expect when she finished her shower and went back to Nicole, but she’d rehearsed what she would say. However, Nicole didn’t give her a chance. She obviously didn’t want her to stay, but Brady couldn’t leave without one last kiss. One last chance to sear the scent and taste of Nicole into her memory.