Loving, Living, Party Going

by Henry Green

  Someone knocked on front door.

  ' 'Tis 'er,' Mr Craigan said and got up quickly.

  Trembling he went out and stopped in front of door and heart in his mouth, holding to the wall – his hands were sweating and dampness on them sucked to it – he said who was it. If it was Lily he would not let her in at first, so he intended. But Mrs Eames answered him and said if Lily had bit of cheese she might borrow. Mr Craigan stood for three minutes then he said no. No.

  'No cheese? Not just a little bit?'

  'No,' said Mr Craigan.

  'Sorry to 'ave troubled you I'm sure,' said Mrs Eames with meaning in her voice, not that she guessed Lily was away at all, only that she knew they kept cheese in their house. She went back in and said to Mr they were bad neighbours, she'd always thought it, how anybody could live with the old man, being as mean as he was, she didn't know. Mr Eames said Joe Gates was locked up for swearing and that would be on old Craigan's mind. Also Craigan had got the sack, along with Joe, for old age. Mrs said if she'd known she wouldn't 'ave gone, why hadn't he told her. 'I wanted a bit of cheese,' he said. 'What a shame on old Craigan,' said Mrs Eames 'that always kept himself so respectable and then his mate goes and gets himself locked up.' 'Well you know what I always did think about 'im,' she said, 'Well now I wouldn't like to say what I think, not now,' she said.

  But Mr Dale saw in his mind when he knew it was not her knocking, he saw he could not stay in this house and not see her any more, he could not stay and not see her any more, any more. When he had told Craigan he was going he had not really meant it but waiting to know who was knocking them up had torn only one way at his heart this time. Time was when her movements, it might be her putting plates up on the rack, they had torn all ways at his heart and he hadn't known what way he felt towards her. But now, as formerly he'd wanted to be comforted by a woman for just going on and on every day, every day, now especially he wanted to be comforted for her not coming back. He saw he would get no sympathy in this house. So he went.

  Now Mr Craigan raised no objections. He saw Dale really meant to go this time.

  So Miss Gates did not look at anything. She just followed Mr Jones.

  They went by public house. Man played on instrument, which was kind of xylophone, laid flat in the doorway. As the air sweats on metal so little balls of notes this man made hung on smell of stale beer which was like a slab outside the door. Man playing on this instrument was on his knees, and trunk of his body bent over it, head almost touched ground on other side of this flat instrument. Mr Jones saw position that man was in. He'd never seen one like it. Feeling of uneasiness grew up in him.

  They were now in working class streets. Doors stood open. Miss Gates heard voices talking dialect strange to her. But she shut her ears to this, though it gave her slight feeling of comfort. She was so tired with walking. She got more and more blank.

  Mr Jones took tighter grip on bag he was carrying, (his own he had left at railway station). They were getting into the dockers' quarter. He did not like it. But this was Mulgrave St. And this was no. 439. He knocked on the door. Miss Gates stood, she did not look up. He knocked. Door was opened by man in his shirt sleeves. He was a stranger to Mr Jones. He told them where his parents had gone was a half-mile further on and then they'd shifted from there so he'd heard though he couldn't say where they'd gone. He'd better go there, he said, and the people there might tell him. Miss Gates heard this and did not think at all, except she thought once it would have to finish some time. Mr Jones was frightened now. Man shut door on him and he stood frightened. Street was dark.

  Street was dark. Miss Gates felt something in the street looking out, looking out then it was gone. Then it was back again. Where was Bert, had he gone? She looked up quickly but of course he was there. But street was dark. She got much more frightened and was rigid with it for two moments. Again something looked and was gone. And again. She felt no, after looking up to see if Bert was there she wouldn't look up again to see what that was. There it was. She had to look. No she wouldn't. She had to, so she looked. It was searchlight from the lighthouse, it stroked over sky and was gone. With great pang she wondered what that was doing there. Then she decided that was what came from looking up. She would not look up again. They began walking again. She was blank, blank. Again it came along the sky.

  Mr Jones watched, watched everything but Lil. He did not like to look at her. He thought of his parents, what could have brought them to this part? He was ashamed. What they would do now he couldn't say. What would come of it if the next address didn't know where they'd gone. What'd he do with Lil.

  Once before when their relations one with the other had come to a point, he had seen it like he was setting job up on a lathe, the foreman looking on and others in the shop watching him. Job was difficult, he'd been in two minds to begin or not. Now he was alone, lathe was stopped, he was alone. Job was going wrong. If he went now, and he would never come back, chances were they could work that bit in again for now he thought this ending was like the finish of all what you might call dreams. Anything a bit out of the way and he couldn't do it. He blamed himself. What was the good in trying to better yourself when you couldn't hold a better job. Now if he went on with this bit on the lathe he would hopelessly spoil it. Now, he thought, if he went on with Lily, and his parents weren't there or in a bad way, he couldn't ask her to take on any wife's life in this town, the ordinary kind of life anywhere, when she'd come out to get on in the world. Better she went back to Mr Craigan which had money of his own.

  For if he could not find father and mother who then would give them money for their passage. Besides it was like taking Lil on false pretences to take her to this. Smelling of the sea like this street did, it wasn't respectable, apart from the people that lived in it. He was afraid then she might not be able to go on, who had walked so far already this evening. He hardly dared look at her. Dragging a little behind, face turned down towards the ground, he thought she looked all one way, skint. He thought it was no wonder, but then this would be the address.

  He stopped. Lily stopped. Door of this house was open, man he did not know sat on chair just by it. Mr Jones said in low voice so Lily would not hear, did a man called Jones live here at one time? This man said yes but he and his wife had gone and had left no address. 'Would you be connected with the family?' he said. Mr Jones said 'Yes.' 'Well then,' this man said, he believed there'd been a bit of trouble but he couldn't say for sure and said goodnight to Mr Jones. For looking at Lily he took her for daft, and he decided he did not want to be mixed up in this, for it looked funny to his mind's eye.

  Mr Jones said, 'it ain't much further to go now Lil,' and went off again. She followed a little behind. He was so ashamed he did not like to come near her to help her. He only went slower as he was afraid her strength might give up any time now. He thought her blankness he saw to look at her, was her hating him.

  He had remembered great tall street which should be near to them to the west. Trams ran down it. He leads her there.

  They get there. It is bright with street lamps. He was sure now was nothing but to leave her get home, if he went with her it might all begin again, he might not be able to let her alone. Here they were in this tall street. He stopped by lamp post where trams stopped. She stopped. Then he sees she is crying quietly. He comes close to her and she leans a little on him. He stood so for a bit then he said, 'Lil, here's your bag.' Without thinking, she was all blank, she reached down to pick it up. She looks up to him then. But he was running away down this street. She picked up bag and began to run after him, still not realizing and like obediently, like small children run, in steps, not strides. She put forefinger in her mouth. She could not see distinctly so did not see him turn down alley way. (When he got into dark court at end of this alley he crouches down in a corner beyond cone of light which falls in front of it.) He looks back over his shoulder but she had not seen him turn, she is still trotting. Tear drops off her chin. Then she saw a policeman and no Bert.
She stopped. Tram drew up there which was another stopping place for trams. Woman that was there and had seen her face said quickly come in on the tram dear. She got on. Policeman turned away.

  20

  Mr Craigan sat by bed at their home in Birmingham in which was Miss Gates.

  'Dear heart,' he said, 'don't grieve so.'

  Sobs tore her.

  He put hand over her eyes, her eyes, tears would not come from them. Sobs seemed as though they would split her. 'Quiet, quiet,' he said. Her troubles stood up in her feeling like plinths to her. Sobs in spasms retched through body. Tear ran down by his nose then another, then from under his hand tears came from her eyes. Her body sank into the bed, down. Then she did not retch any more and tears came to her parched mouth and softened lips there and she opened them and sucked tears in. Her tears came more freely and she turned face into the pillow and they made wet patch on this.

  Then, as after rain so the sky shines and again birds rise up into sky and turn there with still movements so her sorrow folded wings, so gently crying she sank deeper into the bed and was quieted. He still kept hand over her eyes, but she was quieted.

  Sweat poured out from all her body now.

  Miss Gates was still sleeping. Mr Craigan coming into room saw mass of her shapeless in the bed. Out of this her hair was like short golden rivers. When he came in she woke up and jumped round in bed.

  He was carrying in his two hands – (in his two hands for his one hand would have spilt it, they trembled so, he was old,) – he carried cup of tea. Sleep still lay on her, from up on her elbows she watched him. He came up to the bed and looked to see where he would put down the tea. He put the cup on floor. He brought chair up. With difficulty he bent down and put the cup of tea onto chair. She thought when she saw him do this oh not on the chair, not that way, look at him, he would spill it. When he had safely put it down she thought how kind of him, how kind, how kind he was.

  Year after year, every day after every day, she had brought him cup of tea in the morning.

  She made to get up. He pushed her onto her back again.

  'I brought you a cup o' tea.'

  'You oughtn't, no, you oughtn't.'

  'Lie you back, my wench, you'll stay where you is today.'

  'But what about Jim's tea?'

  ' 'E's gone.'

  'Gone?' Miss Gates said. Mr Craigan did not answer. Oh dear, oh dear but she thought she better not say anything.

  'There's Joe,' she said.

  ' 'E's gone too.'

  'Joe gone too?' She began crying. 'Oh dear, Joe gone too.'

  'Was you about then all the time I was away?'

  'You drink up that tea.'

  She cried. She began drinking tea. She cried. Between catching her breaths she had sip of tea.

  'You lie there all today,' he said, 'an' I'll get you a bite to eat. You must be wore out.'

  He went downstairs and sat on chair in kitchen. She went to sleep again.

  Later when he came up again she was still sleeping. He did not wake her.

  Later she woke. He'd said for her to stay in bed, so she'd better stay. She looked at empty tea cup. Then she lay over on her back and looked at ceiling.

  She thought now her father would have told everyone she'd gone when he left the house. What had he gone for? All the street would know. But they didn't make no difference to her, she'd behave like she didn't notice them. What they said didn't touch her.

  Downstairs Craigan thought it was likely nobody didn't know. She hadn't mixed much ever with the other women, only thing was Mrs Eames calling round like she had night before last. And as it was Liverpool they'd gone to, so she'd told him when she got in last night, it wasn't likely there'd be anyone knew her in Liverpool. And it was likely Mrs Eames came just by chance. Anyroad she hadn't asked after her. But what had they been up to when they got to Liverpool?

  Lily was now thinking she couldn't abide their eyes on her. She couldn't stand the way they'd look at her. No she thought she'd never be able to stand face to face with them, no never, never again, it was awful. Mr Craigan came up. He came into her room. He went over to chair at side of her bed and put the cup and saucer onto mantelpiece, then he sat on the chair.

  'Let's 'ave it from start to finish,' he said.

  She lay on her back in bed and her face on pillow was away from him so all he could see was her cheek and one side of her nose.

  'I don't know,' she said, 'we walked an' walked.'

  'Begin at the beginnin',' he said.

  'Well I wonder you didn't notice me makin' all those clothes and all, yes, but I didn't think you would. You were only men all of you so I didn't trouble, I just made 'em under your noses. Then goin' out with my bag like that, you'd 've thought you'd 'ave stopped me, but no not a word and there I went with all the street watching me, the eyes nearly dropping out of their 'eads I expect. But it was funny,' Miss Gates said forgetting to be defiant and now getting interested, 'it was funny but I didn't meet no one. Except at the corner of James Road and Hobmore Lane I made sure there was Mrs Ludd but no I didn't meet no one all the way to the station. And there was 'im on the station platform with a bunch of tulips in 'is right 'and, yes, but oh well, well we got into the train and it went off. It was all right for a bit but then 'e 'ad to get out at Derby and then after that I don't know but nothing seemed to go right.'

  'Wasn't that train slow,' said Miss Gates continuing after gulping. Now she lay looking up to the ceiling. She frowned a little. 'And we couldn't get anything to eat. I couldn't eat any dinner that morning only you didn't notice none of you, but I 'ad too much on me mind and we didn't like to nip out of the train to buy something, it might 'ave gone on you see and left one of us behind. O it was slow. Then we went on and on and it got like darker and darker, we was very quiet, and I got frightened. You see it was him bringing them tulips give me a turn at the start and then—' she turned face over away from him again, 'O I did wish I was back 'ere.'

  She stopped. He did not say anything. He looked at his slippers. Then she went on:

  'Well then, it seemed like hours and hours, and then we got to a little station and there was nine men on the platform, I counted them, and they all got in an' once the train started they began playing, it was a band. On a Sunday! One of them 'ad a green muffler on and soon as I saw it I said to myself there's a bad luck for you. Then after that there was that black that 'ad a green muffler when we was walking, that was in Liverpool. We come to a place in the road where they 'ad arc lamps up. They 'ad a crane there. There was three men right up on it doing somethin' and a great crowd of people below, I was frightened.'

  Here again she stopped.

  'When we got to Liverpool,' she said, 'it was night time and I knew I wouldn't like the town. But he took me to a posh place on the platform, not just a ordinary tea room and we 'ad a bite to eat there. That kind of put 'eart into me but that's what it was,' she said, 'yes, I 'ad too much heart, I didn't ought to 'ave been there at all. Then we got on a tram an' I didn't like the looks of that town, yes I thought I'll never be happy 'ere and then 'e took me off it, and we went to the first address. You see he didn't know where 'is people lived exactly, they'd changed addresses, O yes it's true, I know that by the way 'e left me. Well then we went from place to place. There was those arc lamps and the black, O it's like a dream and the ships 'ooting, I couldn't make out what that was at first. And then you see we couldn't find them. By the time it came to that I was too tired to take notice, we'd come so far. Then 'e took me to a road where the trams went and I thought we was just going on again but I was crying then and no wonder and there, he said,' said she extemporizing but she believed now he had said it, which he never had,' "well Lil it's goodbye now" he says, "I ain't no good, you'd better go 'ome."'

  Here Miss Gates cried.

  'Was that all?' Mr Craigan said.

  'Oh I don't know 'ow I found the train. Next thing I remember was being sick, oh dear I didn't sleep at all an' being sick gave me black eyes. And
when we got to Birmingham I couldn't come back home by daylight, you see someone might spot me. So I waited about till it was dark. And then I came, when you let me in.'

  Here she was so grateful to him for letting her back that she grew small again and her eyes looking at him were warm, adoring. Was silence. She drew out her arm from under bedclothes and laid it over his hands. He opened his hands and her forearm lay in over open palms. Was silence.

  'Aye, he weren't much of a man,' he said.

  'No grandad he was. Things is different now to what they were in your day.'

  'Then you daint pass the night with 'im?'

  'No grandad.'

  'You would 'ave done when I was a lad.'

  'Yes but things is different now you see, yes, they are really. Yes we didn't go for that.'

  'What for then?'

  'We went to better ourselves, and grandad I do wish we 'adn't gone.'

  'You were dreamin'.'

  'Yes grandad.'

  'Nothin' ever come of dreams like them kind,' he said. 'Nothin' dain't ever come of dreams, I could 'ave told yer but that wouldn't be of no use, you 'ad to find out of yourselves and so you 'ave,' he said.

  That morning Mr Craigan went out to buy food for both of them and Mrs Eames took it into her head to call on Miss Gates. Mrs Eames had not seen Lily about for some days. She had met Mr Craigan as he went out that morning to buy food and he had said Lily had a fever when Mrs Eames had asked after her. So Mrs Eames called in, thinking for a moment in her mind men did not know how to care for anybody when they were sick and it would be neighbourly in her to call round.

  When Mrs Eames came up Lily of course was frightened with her at first. Then she began to make allusions to Liverpool. These Mrs Eames did not notice. She was too full of her child which was due any time now. She had now in her feeling contempt for this girl which had never had kids. Yet she felt kindly towards her because she thought Lily had man of her own, Mr Jones, and so was to be respected.