Loving, Living, Party Going

by Henry Green

  'Are you going to go out like that?' he said.

  'I might.'

  He still looked at her toes and while she watched his face she began to move them one after another. He quickly dared one look at her face to see what she was driving at and what he saw, remembered beauty, turned his heart to stone so tight that he smiled into her jewelled eyes like any Fido asking for his bone. Now she was back he was delivered up for punishment, only wanting to be slaves again. She looked hard at him. 'Oh, God,' he said and turned away again.

  Julia laughed. 'Max,' she said, 'we're here, this way, and not out there. Oh, d'you remember,' she went on, 'that time we were out at Svengalo's when the mad waiter, that one who never finished rearranging one's knives and forks, began to lose his trousers, they simply began to slip down like petticoats and he never knew? It was Embassy Richard had unbuttoned him and he had no idea, d'you all remember how Max got up and went out on us, because he couldn't take it, and there we were left to blush?'

  'Oh, no!' said Angela, who had not been with them.

  'Amabel, d'you remember it?' Julia went on, 'and then we never saw that mad waiter again, Svengalo sacked him for not minding his trousers, so they all use safety pins now, the other waiters. Richard said Svengalo does too, he'd tried the other night. Come back to us, Max darling.'

  As he made no reply she went on:

  'And do you remember that time I fainted and you took me outside and that drunk made a pass at me when you had stretched me out? Shall I ever let you forget how you left me at once after I was better and went right away? And didn't come back. Defenceless, mind you, or almost, against that gorilla and he was so beastly drunk he didn't know what he was doing except when he picked on me. Why do you go away, Max?'

  'Yes,' Amabel said, 'why do you leave us?' and all he could find to say was well he was here, wasn't he, speaking with his back still turned to them.

  'But then what on earth happened to you?' Angela said.

  'Oh, well, you see there were others in our party, there always are,' Julia said and she looked at Angela gravely, 'but wasn't it beastly of him, Am?' she said, turning to her, but Amabel was looking at her toes. 'And then there was that time when he walked out on you, Am, and I said you can't do that, go back. D'you remember? It was that night we went out by car to bathe and the farmer thought we had no clothes on. And when life's so short.'

  'Did you say that then, darling?' Amabel said and smiled sweetly up at her.

  'But what are you thinking of, darling, it was Mr Hignam, no less, said it to Claire of course, though what he can have meant I can't imagine.' She smiled as sweetly back.

  'When was this, do tell me?' Angela said.

  'Not for your ears, darling,' and while she said this Amabel kept her eyes on Julia. She began to move her toes again.

  'But why, my dear, what's this?' said Julia, because nothing had happened then or she would have remembered. But she saw how Amabel did not know this, or did not mean to see it.

  'Well, really,' Julia said, 'well, well.'

  Max had turned round. He looked at each in turn.

  'Hey,' he said, 'what's this?'

  'That night when we went to bathe,' said Amabel.

  'Which one?'

  'When the farmer thought Julia had no clothes on.'

  'Yes.'

  'And you wondered too.'

  'I wondered?'

  'Oh no, he didn't,' Julia said and laughed quite differently.

  'By God Max,' Amabel said, 'the way you go on with my friends,' she said, although Max had first introduced Julia to her and they had never become friends.

  'No, darling, really, I had on my flesh-coloured suit'

  'I don't remember anything.'

  'Well, if you don't remember,' Amabel said to him, 'I should think you were tight. Anyway, by the way you went on in my car afterwards you would be.'

  'You think I have to get tight to...' he said and broke off and this made Amabel laugh. It seemed to her she had sufficiently established her claim over him, so she laughed again.

  And Julia laughed to save her face and lastly Angela laughed to keep in with them.

  'Oh, you know what I mean,' he said.

  'We know,' Miss Crevy said.

  'Oh, do you, darling?' said Amabel and getting up she stepped forward and kissed him and then stayed by, leaving her face close to his. He found her hair was still damp and this tortured him for something he remembered of her once and then it came over him she meant to put him through it before the others. And then because he had realized this it put him right, he felt he had seen through her little game and anyway he thought with glee what were they doing but fighting over him so that he grinned with confidence right into her mouth. She gave way at once, half opened her jaws and sat down again. He could see her pink tongue. She looked tired and older. He laughed.

  'You think I have...' he said and laughed once more.

  'Why not?' said Julia and turned away, thinking this was disgusting.

  'Why not what?' he said.

  'Oh, get tight or anything.'

  'Who said anything about getting tight?' for he had already forgotten anyone had spoken about getting drunk he felt so relieved. As if he had escaped, as indeed he had back into slavery again or as if his punishment was over, while it was just preparing. And now Julia was caught back into her old misery, so much so she felt she could not bear it and must get out of here so she went outside to find Claire and Evelyn.

  'Why don't you tell me about all these thrilling parties and things? What happened with Farmer Bangs?' Miss Crevy said.

  'Oh, nothing.'

  'No, Max, it was obviously something thrilling.'

  'We went out to bathe.'

  'Well?'

  'And Am said we ought to go back.'

  'Well?' she said and got no reply; he was looking at Amabel.

  'Yes?' she said.

  'You know how it is.'

  'That's just what I don't know.'

  He was the one who laughed now. He laughed and said:

  'Then you'd better learn.'

  'Not knowing isn't the same as not having learned.'

  'What is it then?'

  'Isn't he extraordinary?' she said to Amabel, but got no help from her, she was looking at her toes. 'My dear Max,' she went on, 'even if I do know all the answers it doesn't mean I know what went on that evening.'

  'You can guess then.'

  This was rude but she was not going to give in to any of them again, not even to Max.

  'But what did the farmer say?' she said and had no answer.

  'Oh, come on,' she said and stamped her foot.

  'Oh, what did he say?' she said again.

  'Darling,' said Amabel turning to her, 'he said them that are asked no questions won't be told no lies.' Max laughed and said it wasn't him so much, it was his dog. And at this, although she had not been gone more than three minutes, Julia came back to them. 'My dear,' she said to Max, ignoring those others, 'I'm afraid Claire's Auntie May is rather bad.'

  'Rather bad you say?' he repeated after her, not having taken this in.

  'Yes, rather bad I said, though I think it's worse than that.'

  'I can't help it,' he said. 'She's got a room, hasn't she?' and Amabel asked him if Claire's aunt was coming on their party too, and he laughed and said he did not know.

  'How can you stand there and laugh, Max darling, really,' Julia said, not because she was worried about how ill the old thing might be but so as to get him out of this room, no matter how.

  'I say,' he said, rising, 'that's bad.'

  'I thought you ought to know.'

  He stood quiet. Amabel was looking at Julia. 'Poor Claire,' she said, 'what a shame.'

  'What about a doctor?'

  'Oh, they had one in hours ago, Max.'

  'What did he say?' Angela said, getting finally in on this story at last. And Julia, realizing, felt she ought to explain, and while she was explaining thought she would pass over what the doctor really s
aid about Miss Fellowes, they would only laugh when they heard and Max would pay no more attention. 'Well, you see, Angela darling, Claire did not want anyone to know, you know how people are that way. Anyway,' she said, lying, 'I believe this aunt of hers asked Claire not to say one word to anyone; you see she felt she had been trouble enough already, Max had been perfectly sweet and taken her a room. She did not want to be any more bother, did she, because after all we are supposed to be going off on our holiday, aren't we? But still, Max, my dear, there it is and I thought you ought to know. As a matter of fact the doctor was very worried about her.'

  'What did he do?' said Max.

  'What did he do?' she echoed, 'why, what do doctors do? Of course he got his fee, Robert paid him, but you know what they are; he went away again; she might die for all he cared.'

  'Where is Robert?' he said. He could not bear it if anyone in any party of his paid for anything.

  'Downstairs in the bar. Why?' she said.

  'Can't have that, you know.'

  'Oh, Max, you are sweet!' she said, 'but really, after all, it is his own aunt and she was not in our party; really she's got nothing to do with you.'

  Amabel asked herself why then come to bother him about this old trout, and then told herself she knew.

  'Can't have it,' he said cheerfully, as people do when they are living up to their own characters.

  'Darling,' said Amabel, 'don't be so like yourself.'

  'I wish you would help,' Julia said and then thought why not put it on to Claire. 'Poor Claire,' she went on, 'she is so worried.'

  'What's that crack for?' he said to Amabel.

  'What crack?'

  'Don't be so like yourself or something?'

  'Oh, nothing,' she said and smiled up at him as if he enormously amused her.

  'Well, if that's all,' he said still looking at her, 'then I'd better go see what can be done.'

  'But I mean,' said Angela, and they all turned surprised for they had forgotten her, 'I mean would Claire like that? I thought she wanted nobody to know,' she said with malice.

  'Claire's upset, poor darling, it's horrible for her,' Julia explained and at this moment Alex came back in again.

  'There's no one anywhere like your Toddy,' he said to Amabel and looked tremendously pleased. 'The things I've found out about you, you'll never be able to be quite the same to me again with all I've got on you now. Really Am, it's fantastic, you can't imagine, I mean it makes coming and all this waiting worth while. Not of course that it isn't heaven our all being here together and all that, only there is so little to do, but have baths and gossip. Why, what's the matter, it's nothing I've said or done is it? You all look as if you'd been at one of my uncle Joe's board meetings.'

  'It's about Claire's aunt, this Miss Fellowes. She's very ill.'

  'I know all about it, Julia, you told me ages ago and tried to be frightfully mysterious about it.'

  'I'm very worried about her.'

  'I'll bet you aren't really,' he said, 'and if she's going to die, even, what difference—'

  'Oh, no, Alex,' she said.

  '—does it make to you?' he went on, and she said 'Alex, no, no,' again. 'Well,' he said, 'we've all got to come to it some time, though why it should be here of all places I can't imagine.' While he was talking Miss Crevy looked at him with loathing. 'Oh, I know,' he went on, 'I know she's not so bad as all that but I don't care anyhow and I advise everyone to feel the same. Otherwise I shall go home,' he said, blushing with anger all of a sudden, 'yes, and I shall advise everyone to do the same. We all fuss too much.'

  'Really, Alex,' said Julia and was staggered, 'what has come over you? I don't think you are being very polite, are you?'

  'When is he ever?' said Miss Crevy.

  'Yes,' he said, quickly recovering himself, 'like the cornet player said at the Salvation Army meeting, "I'll, give you one more 'oly 'oly 'oly and then I'm off 'ome."'

  They did not know what to make of this so Max said 'Good for you, Alex,' and Amabel said to him, 'Darling, tell me something very nice.' At this Alex smiled, sat on the arm of her chair and turned round to look into her face. She smiled sideways at him and as always when she smiled so far as he was concerned it was so brilliant it made him shy. She then reached out and with one long vermilion finger-nail she began to scratch gently at one of his knuckles, for she liked making him shy, he who was not supposed to care about girls. He thought how much cleaner her wrist was than his hand it lay across and how much stronger it looked than you would expect, but then of course she was probably extremely powerful and he always had thought women were more powerful than men. And so, as she scratched gently she began to gain power over him and he felt himself slipping away she did it so well, just right, so that if he had been her pussy cat he would have purred. He was going to shut down his eyes and give himself over to sleep, it was stretching up over him from his hand when he lazily thought he must look ridiculous and this at once went through him as if he was being rung up so that he hung up on her, drawing away out of reach. For two minutes she went on gently scratching at the chair arm. It was embarrassment on his part, he was afraid he would be made to look foolish and she knew this very well. She went on smiling at him without any change of expression and still sideways, almost as though what she had begun with him she had put over on herself as well.

  The others went on talking, Max was quite forthcoming now, and as no one paid them any attention he thought what a pity, and this was what she meant him to feel, why if he was left on a desert island with this girl he would only count what nuts there might be on those spreading awkward palms for fear monkeys should see him. Not looking at her he put his hand out again and having won she laughed and only patted it once and then turned to those others again. He laughed and said:

  'I missed my chance.'

  She turned back to him for an instant and he saw from her eyes she was not bothering any more about him. When she did not smile her eyes were not so blue but now she smiled, patted him once again, and finally left him though he had only to stretch out to take hold of her dressing-gown and she was wearing nothing underneath.

  'I always do,' he said, but she did not come back so he tried one last time, 'miss my chance,' he said, but it was no good and he gave up trying. He did not see that she had kept him with them, not knowing whether he really meant to go home. Her purpose was to keep them round her to show herself off in front of Max.

  'No,' Max was saying, 'particularly now that Claire has her aunt down with something I don't see how we can go home. No need for you others to stay, of course; and for the matter of that there's nothing to be done about her, is there? But I ought to stay.'

  'But, Max,' said Julia, 'as Evelyn said while we were outside, it's all very well talking of going home, but they won't keep the train waiting when they do send it off just for us to come and catch it. If anyone goes they'll miss it.'

  'I'm sorry, everybody, it was my idea about waiting at home,' Alex said, 'but I was in a filthy mood. I didn't mean it.'

  'What I mean is,' said Max, 'I could have you rung up if you all went back to my flat. They would let me know when they were going to send our train off in time to get you here.' And as he said this he was well aware that Julia's uncle was a director of this line but he liked better to make out they would do all this for him. However, Julia agreed with Evelyn, and felt so strongly about it she almost made a scene. She said if they once left they would never get back again and she described how much thicker it was the way she had come than it really had been and made so much fuss they had to give in largely out of a loyalty all felt to her moods, all that is except Miss Crevy. When she had had her way she said why didn't they get Claire and Evelyn to leave Miss Fellowes and come along to join them, surely they could risk that, she could not be so bad those old nannies could not see to her. Max approved of this and went to fetch them.

  'Will anyone have a drink?' said Alex, 'I fancy it would do us all some good,' but no one answered and now that Max was
no longer with them Angela and Julia had nothing to say, nor had Amabel. He wondered how often this had happened to him before and marvelled again that anyone should be so run after as Max, though never so run after in such an awful room before. Places alter circumstances, he thought, and there was little amusing in being ignored in these surroundings, armchairs that were too deep with too narrow backs and covered in modified plush, that is plush with the pile shaved off so that those chairs were to him like so many clean-shaven port drinkers.

  Clean-shaven port drinkers enough, he went on, mixing his drink, one for each girl, that is three chairs but only Amabel sitting on those gouty knees, that sodden lap; and then public house lace curtains to guard them in from fog and how many naked bodies on sentry go underneath adequately, inadequately dressed. Here he pointed his moral. That is what it is to be rich, he thought, if you are held up, if you have to wait then you can do it after a bath in your dressing-gown and if you have to die then not as any bird tumbling dead from its branch down for the foxes, light and stiff, but here in bed, here inside, with doctors to tell you it is all right and with relations to ask if it hurts. Again no standing, no being pressed together, no worry since it did not matter if one went or stayed, no fellow feeling, true, and once more sounds came up from outside to make him think they were singing, no community singing he said to himself, not that even if it did mean fellow feeling. And in this room, as always, it seemed to him there was a sort of bond between the sexes and with these people no more than that, only dull antagonism otherwise. But not in this room he said to himself again, not with that awful central light, that desk at which no one had ever done more than pay bills or write their dentist, no, no, not here, not thus. Never again, he swore, but not aloud, never again in this world because it was too boring and he had done it so many times before.

  It was all the fault of these girls. It had been such fun in old days when they had just gone and no one had minded what happened. They had been there to enjoy themselves and they had been friends but if you were girls and went on a party then it seemed to him you thought only of how you were doing, of how much it looked to others you were enjoying yourself and worse than that of how much whoever might be with you could give you reasons for enjoying it. Or, in other words, you competed with each other in how well you were doing well and doing well was getting off with the rich man in the party. Whoever he might be such treatment was bad for him. Max was not what he had been. No one could have people fighting over him and stay himself. It was not Amabel's fault, she was all right even if she did use him, it was these desperate inexperienced bitches, he thought, who never banded together but fought everyone and themselves and were like camels, they could go on for days without one sup of encouragement. Under their humps they had tanks of self-confidence so that they could cross any desert area of arid prickly pear without one compliment, or dewdrop as they called it in his family, to uphold them. So bad for the desert, he said to himself, developing his argument and this made him laugh aloud.