I sat there and thought about how pretty Amber was, and how the two of them looked so good together.
It was shock, most likely. That was the only explanation. The hostess spoke to them for a moment before leading them away and I continued to sit there staring at the hostess stand like a moron thinking about how this must be what shock felt like.
It had to be shock, otherwise I’d be crying, right?
As I sat there things began to fall into place. Ashley and Beth’s sudden about-face over my quest to win back Ted. The way Ted had gotten all weird when he’d asked me about my plans for this week. I’d optimistically assumed he was hoping to spend some time together but now the truth was painfully clear.
He hadn’t been hoping to have another chance, he’d been trying to figure out how to break it to me that he was with someone new.
That weird numbness left but it was replaced by a tidal wave of humiliation. Did everyone know but me? Was that the real reason he’d broken up with me? He’d said it was because we were going our separate ways in the fall, but that was total bull.
I knew for a fact that Amber was going to school in Denver, and he was going to school in Upstate New York.
I shook my head and hopped off the barstool, heading toward the front door so I could slip out before either of them spotted me. It was a miracle they hadn’t yet.
How humiliating would that be?
And how could my friends not tell me? Were they honestly going to let me find out by seeing them together during Senior Week? Were they going to sit by and watch as I made a fool of myself by attempting to kiss my ex?
I sent them both a text. You should have told me.
The pause was short before they were both texting back.
Ashley: We weren’t sure if it was true or a rumor.
Beth: How did you find out?
Ashley: Are you okay?
“Are you okay?” Jax was standing next to me and I hadn’t realized it. For a second I thought he’d read Ashley’s message over my shoulder but when I looked over his gaze was on my face.
“You look like you’ve seen a ghost.”
I let out a breathy little laugh that sounded slightly hysterical. “Sort of,” I said. “More like the ghost of relationships past.”
He blinked at me and I saw as understanding dawned. “Your ex?”
I nodded.
He glanced back at the restaurant. “He’s here?”
I nodded and his eyes narrowed as he studied me. “Are you all right?”
I shrugged and that seemed to be answer enough. Or maybe whatever he saw in my expression was the answer he needed because he nodded and held up the brown paper bag in his hand. “I guess it’s a good thing I got us food to go, huh?”
Dinner was a makeshift picnic on the beach as the sun sank toward the horizon.
“Are you sure you’re okay?” he asked.
The question interrupted the love affair that I was currently having with the chicken dish he’d made for me.
That’s right, Jax had made us dinner. How cool was that? I mumbled something unintelligible as I chewed. “I guess you’re okay if you can eat,” he said.
I swallowed and turned to face him. “I can’t believe you made this. It’s incredible.”
He grinned. “Thanks. But you’re avoiding the question.”
I was, there was no denying it. “I’d rather focus on my dinner.”
He shifted so he was closer to me, blocking the wind which had picked up as the sun set. “There is no way you’re as cool about running into your boyfriend and his new…whatever…as you seem to be.”
His gaze and his voice said he meant business. I regretfully set aside my food and faced the facts. “I’m not heartbroken,” I said. “I mean, it was a shock, and it sucks, but my heart is not broken.”
I swear I saw the tension leave his body in that moment. “Good.” He cleared his throat. “I’m glad you’re not too hurt.”
I studied his face, took in the messy hair and the tattoos. All the while my mind raced to put together the pieces of this emotional jigsaw puzzle. “I’m not upset that he’s with Amber, and I’m not even crushed that he and I won’t have a second chance. If anything, I think I’m a little…” I floundered for the right word. “Relieved,” I said with a sigh as the truth hit me straight in the face. That’s what this feeling was underneath the shock. It was relief.
Then I turned to meet Jax’s stare. “Does that sound awful?”
He shook his head. “Relationships are confusing. Even ex-relationships.”
I nodded and turned my face to look out at the ocean. “It’s crazy how calming the ocean is. I mean, it’s massive and it’s turbulent and it’s filled with sharks and stuff, but somehow looking at it is weirdly cathartic.”
Jax leaned back on his palms and we sat side by side in silence for a moment. “It’s like looking at the stars,” he said suddenly. “It puts our tiny lives into perspective.”
I nodded, not wanting to disturb this lovely peaceful feeling but also needing to sort through the myriad of emotions that had been bubbling up ever since I saw Ted with Amber.
“I’m more embarrassed than anything,” I said.
Jax shifted and I just knew he was going to protest. He was going to say something to make me feel less pathetic, but I didn’t want to hear it.
“I thought we were so perfect together,” I said. “I thought…” I swallowed as that familiar sensation tried to choke me. “I thought we wanted the same things. I thought we had the same dreams.”
Once again I stopped because that anxious pit in my stomach wouldn’t let me continue.
“People change,” Jax said quietly, echoing what he’d said earlier on the boat. “Maybe you were a good fit before…”
“But at some point we grew apart,” I said.
Fear and panic and every other bad emotion that had been hurling me forward these past few months were about to sweep me under. “But then how can you ever make a plan?” I said. “How can you ever depend on someone if people are just going to go and change? How can you decide where you want to be or who you want to be with if what you want and who you need keeps changing?” My voice was rising steadily in pitch and in volume. The thoughts were tumbling out of my control and I couldn’t seem to stop it. “And if you can’t make a plan for the future, or if that plan can just be tossed to the side the moment someone decides they’re done then what’s the point of having a plan?” I inhaled so quickly I felt lightheaded. “And if there’s no plan then how do you know if you’re headed in the right direction? And what if—”
He cut me off with a kiss. It was quick but firm, and oh holy cow it managed to shut off my brain for one blissful moment.
He pulled back and our gazes clashed before he gave me an apologetic wince. “Sorry, I know I said I wouldn’t kiss you anymore but that seemed like an emergency.”
I was shocked to hear a laugh escape my mouth. “It was. I was getting hysterical and a kiss was infinitely better than you slapping me.”
His slow grin made my belly clench. “I thought it might be preferable.”
I leaned in again and pressed my lips to his. He was still beneath me for a moment as if giving me a chance to be sure.
But I was. I was positive. I needed his kisses to keep the panic at bay. I needed his arms around me to keep me from drowning. Was it crazy? Maybe. But I didn’t want to think right now. I didn’t want to feel anxious or worried or hurt or angry.
I just wanted to escape. I wanted to revel in these overwhelming sensations while they lasted, even though I knew they couldn’t last for long.
I moved my lips over his gently and he kissed me back just the way I’d hoped—with so much passion and such tender fierceness it made my heart hurt and my whole body tremble. Wrapping his arms around me, he pulled me tightly against him and for the first time in what felt like forever the world stopped spinning out of control. We just…were.
I was here and in his arms.
All that mattered was the way his mouth fit over mine, the way his tongue teased my lips, the way his heat seeped through my tank top and into my skin, warming me even as the ocean breeze made me shiver.
He pulled back slightly after a while. I had no idea how long—time was no longer working correctly, at least not in my mind.
One of his arms moved from around my waist to rub my bare arm, which was likely covered in goosebumps. “You’re cold.”
“No I’m not,” I lied. I was, but I didn’t want to stop.
His small knowing smile made me shiver all over again and he pulled me in tight, but this time for an efficient warming sort of hug rather than a passionate embrace.
“Let’s stay just a little while longer,” I said.
He laughed and the sound in my ear nearly made me moan. Man alive, I didn’t know exactly what was happening to me here but it was heady. The way he made me feel was intoxicating and addictive and…and it couldn’t last.
I knew that in some portion of my brain but I didn’t want to face it. I felt that nagging worry that I was getting in over my head.
I didn’t do casual. I wasn’t a casual kind of person. I could already feel myself getting too attached. I mean, I’d only known this guy for a matter of days. What I was feeling wasn’t real; it couldn’t be.
“Come on,” he said, already on his knees and tugging me up beside him. “Let’s get you warmed up.”
I let him take my hand and lead me down the beach. I assumed we were heading toward his place, that was the direction we walked, but after a little while I saw a flicker of flames that seemed to light up the twilight sky.
“A bonfire?” I gasped.
He laughed. “Sort of. I’d call it more of a campfire than a raging bonfire, but it’ll do the trick.”
“I thought those were illegal here,” I said.
“It is.”
I looked up at him with wide eyes and he smirked. “Are you going to call the cops on us?”
“No,” I said. “Of course not.”
He squeezed my hand. “Then we should be fine.”
We were way better than fine.
We were wonderful. Awesome. Amazing. I ran out of words for how good I was. The group around the fire was made up of Jax’s friends, coworkers, and friendly acquaintances…and they were lovely. They welcomed me as if I belonged there, and Jax kept me tucked protectively under his arm as he made introductions and small talk with his friends. Bob and Willie were both there and seemed honestly excited to see me, which was nice.
But the best part were the kisses. Lots of kisses. Stolen kisses, PDA kisses, sneaky kisses…you name it. Now that I was fully on board with the kissing, neither of us seemed able to get enough.
I interrupted one kiss to tell him how right I’d been.
He grinned at me like I was his favorite person on the planet before leaning down to trail some kisses along my neck. “Right about what?”
“A bonfire was top on my list for most romantic spots,” I told him, my voice breathier than usual thanks to his lips on my neck. “I knew a bonfire would be the perfect place for a kiss.”
He stilled and for a moment I feared I’d said the wrong thing. We hadn’t discussed Ted or my now-defunct plan to rekindle our relationship since that epic kiss earlier and maybe I’d gone and ruined things now.
But Jax didn’t pull away. Instead he pulled me against him tightly as he buried his face in the crook of my neck and laughed so hard he shook with it.
Soon I was laughing too even though I was fairly certain we were laughing at me. Or at least he was. I was laughing because his laughter was infectious. Everything about him was addictive, like he was my own personal drug.
Plus, when he laughed at me it was never with malice. It was always filled with affection as though my craziness was adorable and endearing rather than a pain in the butt, which was how pretty much everyone else viewed my particular brand of insanity.
When he finally pulled back, he’d stopped laughing but his eyes still danced with laughter as he cupped my face in his palms. “I like you.”
I stared at him for a moment, shocked by the sincerity in his voice. “I like you too,” I said. I’d said it easily, because this was a fling, right? We weren’t talking about serious emotions like love or anything. He liked me. No big deal. I was just that weird girl he’d rescued from sleeping in her car one rainy night. That girl he’d hooked up with one night.
My heart twisted at the thought and he seemed to see it even though I tried to hide my sudden shift into the serious.
One of his thumbs stroked my cheek. “I mean it, Cat.” His voice was so low it made my knees go weak. “I really like you.”
I opened my mouth to say “I really like you too,” but I couldn’t quite get it out. The moment had become too intimate and this thing was getting too real.
In a heartbeat I saw myself from an outside perspective.
I was crazy. I was being nuts. I mean, the guy who was supposed to be the love of my life had moved on and I was clearly in shock and…and what the hell was I doing here with this stranger who I’d never see again after this week?
I took a wobbly step back in the sand and he let me go but his gaze followed me. “I made things weird, didn’t I?” His voice was rueful, his lazy grin filled with amusement.
“N-no, it’s just that—”
“It’s just that you’re still reeling and you need time to process.” He said it with such certainty that I let out a breath of relief that once again he seemed to know me better than I knew myself.
“Yes,” I said on another long exhale. “That’s exactly right.”
His lips twitched up at my response. “Come on then,” he said, snagging my hand and leading me away from the bonfire in the direction of his apartment.
We were halfway back to his place when he broke the comfortable silence between us and threaded his fingers through mine. “I meant what I said, you know.”
I didn’t play dumb. He’d meant it when he’d said he liked me. And I knew he didn’t mean as just a friend. But what else could we be?
Discomfort had me tugging my hand from his gently. I didn’t know what to say and I didn’t know what he expected from me, especially since I was going home with him.
In true Jax fashion, he seemed to know exactly where my mind was heading. He stopped me when we were close to the apartment complex. “Look, I don’t want you to feel weird about staying at our place just because we…”
“Made out all night long?” I suggested.
He gave me a lopsided smile. “Yeah. That.” He tugged me close and wrapped his arms around me in a friendly hug that put me at ease once more. “I don’t expect anything to happen, but if you’d feel more comfortable at the hotel, then—”
“No,” I said quickly. He was being so open and honest with me, the least I could do was give him the same. “I like this,” I said, tugging at his T-shirt in the hopes that I wouldn’t have to spell it out.
His eyes darkened with tenderness and desire. Nope, I definitely didn’t have to spell it out.
“I—” I cleared my throat. “I can’t do more than what we’ve been doing.” Oh crap, my face felt like it had caught on fire talking about this stuff out loud and under the glow of an unforgivingly bright streetlamp. “But I don’t want to go back to the hotel yet.”
He gave a slow nod and I knew by the way his eyes lit up that he was happy with my response. He let out a long, slow exhale that almost sounded like a sigh of relief. “Good,” he said. “I want you to stay.” His grin grew mischievous. “Besides, I make a better breakfast than the Sunshine Inn.”
“I don’t doubt that,” I said. When he tugged on my hand to keep heading to his home, a nagging thought came tumbling out of my mouth. “Are you going to go back to not liking me once I’m one of those hotel guests you hate so much?”
He gave me a little grimace. “You are going to be one of those guests, aren
’t you?”
I pretended to be regretful. “Sad but true. I still have a week here and I’m going to have to be a—”
“Don’t say it.”
“A tourist,” I finished with a dramatic flair.
He sucked in air through his teeth as he winced. “Damn.”
“Yup.”
He slung an arm around my shoulder. “I suppose I can live with that.”
I laughed at his tortured tone. “You’re so good to me.”
He shrugged. “It’s possible that some of my prejudice toward the young people who come through our hotel might have more to do with me than them.”
I pulled away slightly so I could look up and see his face. “Really?”
He didn’t look down at me, but continued to stare straight ahead. I got the distinct impression that what he was about to say wasn’t easy for him to admit. “Spending some time with you today has made me realize that maybe I’m just a little bit jealous.”
I stopped short this time so I could fully turn and see his expression. “You’re joking.”
He met my gaze. “I’m not.”
He wasn’t.
“But…why?”
He studied me for a minute before giving me a shrug that was so relatable, so down to earth, I felt a surge of affection that nearly wiped me off my feet. “I’m glad I stopped following someone else’s plan,” he said as he shoved his hands into the pockets of his jeans. “I know I made the right decision for me when I left school and struck out on my own. But then these kids come in who are the same age as me or even younger, and they seem like they’ve got it all figured out. Their futures are all shiny, bright, and perfectly laid out before them.”
“Like me,” I said.
He gave me a small smile. “You had that air about you, yeah.”
“Until I lost it in the parking lot,” I said, filling in the blanks.
His smile softened with affection and it warmed me straight down to my toes. When I looked into his eyes, I had this moment where I could put myself in his position. My parents weren’t overbearing, but I had high expectations of myself, and I imagined how it would feel to just…walk away from all that.
Senior Week Kiss Page 9
