I nodded. “Yes…Oh.”
So, that was that. He opened his mouth but then closed it again quickly. I waited to feel…something.
Anything, really. I’d have settled for pain, or maybe anger.
I felt nothing. And not in a good way. This wasn’t the numbness of shock like I’d told myself last night. It wasn’t me avoiding deeper emotions.
This was apathy. It was me not caring that this guy who I’d been so certain I loved at one point in my life had moved on with someone new.
I let out a long, loud sigh that had Ted turning to face me. “I’m sorry.”
I gave him a small, rueful smile. “Don’t be. You broke up with me two months ago. You’re allowed to move on.”
He scratched at the back of his neck, a dead giveaway that he was uncomfortable. “You’re not mad?” His eyes searched my face—looking for hidden anger, I presumed. “I heard…I mean, Ashley kind of mentioned…” He turned to face the ocean and cleared his throat awkwardly.
I could guess what Ashley had told him or implied, or whatever.
I wouldn’t deny it even though now it was mildly embarrassing. “Yeah, well, I guess I was confused.” I looked to the ocean as well so we were sitting there side by side. “I thought for a little while there that maybe we should give our relationship another shot, but I was wrong.”
He shifted a bit and cleared his throat. “I did a crappy job of ending things, didn’t I?”
I gave him a rueful smile. “Your timing could have been better.”
He nodded. “Yeah. I’m sorry.”
“Please stop apologizing,” I said. “I get it. We grew apart.”
He nodded as he stared out at the sea. “You were always so certain about what you wanted and what you were doing with your life, I think…” He winced a little and I knew what he was going to say wasn’t easy for him to admit. “I think it was just easier for me to go along with what you wanted than to figure out what I wanted for myself, you know?”
Ouch. I took a deep breath and let it out slowly to ease the sting, but it was a blow to my pride and my ego more than my heart. I’d let myself believe that there was something there between us that wasn’t. If I really thought about it, the signs were there.
“Yeah, I think I get it,” I said slowly. I’d always been the leader in our relationship. I was the one who was making decisions and signing us up for events or volunteer work. At some point along the way Ted had become my sidekick instead of a partner, which wasn’t really fair to either of us.
He deserved to make his own decisions and I deserved someone who was an equal—someone who challenged me and was honest with me and who liked me for who I was and not just because of what we’d been to one another once upon a time.
That’s what my relationship with Ted had become. The relationship equivalent of comfort food. We didn’t appreciate one another for who we were, only what we’d once been. I’d loved the familiarity and the stability of us, not us.
Not him.
I sighed. God, that was depressing.
I was staring straight ahead at the ocean but out of the corner of my eye I saw him turn to face me.
I felt nothing.
Nothing more than a mild friendship, a familiarity that was nice but not passionate. There was no electricity between us, and no gravitational pull. His gaze didn’t make me feel exposed and vulnerable in a way that was simultaneously terrifying and exciting.
I had a vision of Jax’s dark eyes and I shivered in response, despite the fact that the sun was beating down on me and would probably give me a sunburn if I didn’t reapply lotion.
If nothing else, I supposed I should be grateful that I met Jax so that I could get some perspective on my relationship with Ted. Meeting Jax had shown me exactly what was missing between us.
It had finally helped me to answer the question I’d found so mystifying. Was I in love with Ted?
No. The answer was a resounding no.
I stared at the ocean. So, yeah, I should be grateful for that one day with Jax.
Funny how that thought did nothing to ease the tightness in my chest. If anything it made it worse.
I didn’t want to chalk it all up to a once-in-a-lifetime experience. I didn’t want it to be a life lesson and nothing more.
“You know I’ll always care about you, right?”
Ted’s voice startled me. Oh God, I’d almost forgotten he was sitting there. “Yeah,” I said quickly. “Yeah, of course.”
He was still looking at me so I felt compelled to add, “Me too. About you.”
His gaze met mine and he looked so earnest I had the most horrible compulsion to laugh.
Do not laugh, I ordered. Do not do it.
“I want to see you happy,” he said.
I nodded like a moron.
“I want you to get everything you want.”
“Me too,” I said, because I felt like I was really falling behind with the well wishes. “For you, I mean.” Ugh, I sucked at these sappy moments. “I mean, I want you to get what you want too.”
I gave him a smile that I hoped seemed genuine and silently willed him to walk away. We were broken up, he’d moved on. There was nothing more to say.
All I wanted was to be left alone.
No, that wasn’t true. That wasn’t all I wanted.
He finally got to his feet and said something nice about seeing me later and how he was glad we could be friends. Blah blah blah. I wasn’t really paying attention.
I was too busy thinking about what he’d said. He wanted me to get what I wanted. Well, join the club. The problem was, I didn’t know what it was that I wanted.
Lies, lies, lies.
Finally alone, the ocean breeze seemed to whisk away the irritating non-stop chatter in my brain. What was left was a voice I’d been ignoring, it was one that seemed to come from my gut, or maybe my heart.
You know exactly what you want.
Maybe not for next year or the rest of my life, but right now in this moment, the question was almost absurdly easy.
What did I want?
I wanted more time with Jax. I wanted more of his kisses. I wanted to feel the way I did when I was with him. Like anything was possible. That beautiful, intoxicating rush of living in the moment. Of experiencing fun rather than planning it. Of experiencing the kind of passion that made my brain shut down and let my body run the show for a while.
What did I want? I wanted to toss aside the expectations that I had for myself and let myself be free.
I blinked in shock as the reality of what I wanted hit me like a gust of wind from the ocean. I wanted the kind of freedom that Jax had. I wanted his strength and his bravery. Because as much as his decision scared me just to think about it, it was courageous and brave.
My breath was coming in quick gulps. He made me want to be courageous. He made me want to face life like he did, even though I knew he didn’t have it all figured out either.
But that was the thing, wasn’t it? That was the trick. Facing life head on even when you didn’t have all the answers. Even when you were a mess.
I thought of the way I’d left things with Jax last night and winced.
Even when you messed up big time.
I sat up straighter, a surge of excitement rushing through me—part adrenaline, part sheer terror.
I wanted to live my life and stop analyzing it. I wanted to take chances and make mistakes.
This feeling was terrifying but liberating. Maybe this was what it felt like to jump out of an airplane. Scary as all hell but the most freeing thing in the world. Nothing holding you back, but nothing holding you up, either.
My eyes were wide with excitement and fear and I was panting like I’d run a mile as I got to my feet.
I knew what I had to do. For the first time in what felt like forever, I knew what I wanted.
And here’s the thing about me. Once I get my mind set on something, I went for it. I made a plan and I made it mine.
This was no different. I wanted Jax. And not just Jax—I wanted to embrace life the way he did. I wanted to scare the crap out of myself and take chances and give myself room to figure out where I wanted to go next.
I said a prayer that I wouldn’t run into any of my high school friends as I headed back to our hotel. I needed a shower and a change of clothes and maybe a little makeup.
Then I was going to make a plan.
But first…first I had to mentally ditch all the plans I’d made up until now. Because this me? The Catherine Vaughn who’d stowed away on a ship and showed a bunch of old geezers how to do the Macarena and who’d kissed an intimidatingly sexy punk rock guy?
She wasn’t the same girl who’d left home the day before yesterday. And I wouldn’t be the same tomorrow.
I took a deep breath as I thought about what I wanted and how I was going to go after it.
Hopefully nothing would be the same by tomorrow.
Chapter Seven
The sun had nearly set and the sky glowed pink and purple and orange. It was beautiful. Breathtaking, even. Even more so from where I stood at the end of the pier overlooking the water with nothing in front of me but the endless sea.
He would show. He had to. Jax might’ve been pissed at me, and maybe rightfully so. I’d definitely hurt his feelings with my whole “this means nothing” speech to the girls. But he wasn’t a jerk, and he knew as well as I did that this was new and it was scary…but that didn’t mean it wasn’t right.
Besides, despite his bored rock star routine, I knew Jax’s secret. He was a good guy. A nice guy. One who was surprisingly thoughtful and had an odd sense of humor.
All this was to say…I knew he’d show.
He would show. I repeated it like a mantra as the minutes ticked by one by one and the sun sank lower in the sky. I’d done my good student council president deed of the day by meeting with a majority of the senior class in front of the roller coaster and handing out the scavenger hunt lists while explaining the rules.
Once that was done, I handed over the prizes to Beth and Ashley and wished them luck. They could handle it from here. After all, as they kept pointing out, I’d already done the hard part, the rest my classmates could do for themselves.
It was time to focus on me and my future.
“Hey.” Jax’s voice behind me gave me a shock.
Oh thank God he showed.
I turned around to face him with a smile. He smiled back but his was slightly hesitant. Wary.
I couldn’t say I blamed him. I’d made a mess of things last night. But then again, so had he.
“Thanks for coming,” I said.
He shrugged, his hands thrust into his jeans’ pockets. “Bob said you were really…insistent when you stopped by the apartment earlier.”
The way he paused before saying insistent made me laugh. “Something tells me Bob didn’t use the word insistent.”
“Mmm,” he said, a little smirk hovering over his lips. “The words ‘crazy’ and ‘psycho’ may have been thrown around in there.”
I laughed even harder. “Yeah well.” I shrugged. “I really needed to see you.”
He rocked on his heels and the silence between us grew too long. But man, was it good to see him. I took in the sexy-as-sin eyes, the way his T-shirt molded to those biceps. I’d said it many times now but it bore repeating. “I like you.”
I said it so suddenly his brows hitched up in response. “I like you too.”
I bit my bottom lip to keep a goofy grin from spreading across my face at his soft, sincere voice. There was more I had to say. I crossed the short distance between us until we were nearly touching. “I’m sorry I freaked out last night.”
His gaze grew infinitely tender. “I’m sorry I was such a jackass.”
I frowned up at him. “You weren’t.”
He arched one dubious brow. “I was.”
Well, it wasn’t like I was going to fight him too hard on the matter. I had felt the sting of his words last night, even though I knew he was lashing out because I’d hurt him first.
He sighed and leaned forward slightly so it was just the two of us in our own little world, despite the fact that tourists hovered around. “My reaction was kneejerk and stupid,” he said. “Clearly I have my own issues going on about where I’m at in life and where I’m headed.”
I nodded, nibbling at my lip. “Join the club.”
That earned me a small smile. “You know…” He hesitated and took a deep breath. “If you hadn’t accosted Bob and scared him into relaying your message—”
“I didn’t accost,” I said, but I was stifling a laugh and so was he. I really had been a little too intense this afternoon, but in my defense I’d been riding the high of adrenaline that had come along with the terror and excitement.
Bob had been caught in my crosshairs when he’d answered their door this afternoon and I hadn’t let him leave my sight until he solemnly vowed to get Jax to this pier at this time.
Hey, it had worked, hadn’t it?
“Anyway,” Jax said with a laugh. “Even if you hadn’t convinced Bob, I was planning on finding you after my shift at the restaurant this afternoon.”
“Oh yeah?” My heart did a little flip in my chest that made it impossible not to grin even though there was still so much to say.
“Yeah,” he said slowly. “I wanted to apologize for what I said. For making it sound like you were some user who was just taking advantage of me or something.” He met my gaze. “I don’t think that about you, and I never did. But being around you opened my eyes—”
He stopped talking when I gasped in shock. “That’s almost exactly what I was going to say.”
He furrowed his brow and his lips hitched up. “You were?”
I nodded, closing that distance between us so I could grab his hands. “Come with me.”
He laughed but let me lead him by the hand. “Where are we going?”
“You’ll see.” Then just as we reached my final destination, I added, “I have a plan.”
“Of course you do.” He muttered it with such gruff affection I was pretty sure I lost my heart right then and there.
He looked up when I came to a halt in front of the ticket taker and handed them over. “We’re going on this?” He pointed to the Ferris wheel with arched brows, and I nodded. “All part of the plan, I’m afraid.”
Once we were seated in the next available car, I started in on my prepared speech. “Look, I know I keep saying this, but I like you.” He smiled at me and I had to lick my lips before I could continue. “I like the way I feel when I’m around you.” I met his gaze head on and had that insane feeling that he was examining my soul. “I like the way you see me, I like that you like my quirks and don’t make me feel bad about them. I like that when I’m with you I forget about all the things I should do and only focus on the moment. Right here and right now.”
He looked like he might interrupt but I wouldn’t let him.
“I know this probably can’t last for long, but I love the fact that you weren’t thinking about the logistics or looking toward the future,” I said. “I love that you were just enjoying being with me like I was enjoying my time with you.”
His smile grew and I saw amusement glint in his eyes.
I would not be distracted by those freakin’ sexy eyes. “You made me realize that I’ve been so focused on the future that I haven’t been living in the present. I haven’t been accepting the fact that I’ve changed. Than I’m changing.”
I swallowed as some of the fear I’d been battling all day rose up. But I wouldn’t let it drown me, and I wouldn’t let it run my life. Not anymore. “Someone earlier today told me he wanted me to get everything that I want. And obviously, I want that too.” I rolled my eyes a little at how silly that sounded. “But most of the time, I don’t even know what that is anymore. And I don’t think I’ll ever figure out the answer by analyzing the question.”
Jax’s smirk said he agreed with me but he kep
t his mouth shut.
“Yesterday was the best day I’ve had in…oh man, I don’t even know how long,” I said. “It made me realize…that’s what I want. For now, at least, I want to slow down and just enjoy my life. I want to spend time with someone I like.” I swallowed thickly as I met his gaze. “I want to be with you.”
His grin spread so slowly that it literally rocked my world.
Or maybe that was the car coming to a stop at the top of the Ferris wheel. Either way, I knew my world would never ever be the same. Because I’d done it. I’d gone after what I wanted in the moment. I’d seized life and passion and…well, if not love, then something close or something that could be love. Either way, I’d seized it all with both hands rather than running scared or burying my head in the sand. There was no logic here and no game plan for how this would all work.
And it was freakin’ exhilarating.
Jax leaned forward until his forehead pressed against mine and his arms wrapped around me. “You know what’s funny?”
“What?” My heart was racing in response to my own fearlessness and honesty.
“I was going to tell you how being with you made me realize…the exact opposite.”
I pulled back to meet his gaze and saw that he was laughing, but he meant it.
“What do you mean?” For one heartbeat I feared that he meant he never wanted to see me again, even though everything in his expression and body language said otherwise.
“I mean, last night I got to thinking about why you had this crazy effect on me.” He reached up to brush some hair back from my face and the little gesture made me shiver with excitement.
“I have a crazy effect on you?”
He gave me a lopsided grin. “And not just because you’re crazy.”
“Ha ha.” I smacked his arm and that made his grin widen.
“Being with you made me feel something I hadn’t felt in a long time,” he said, his gaze growing serious. “I remembered what it was to want something.” His arms around me tightened. “To really want something. So badly that you want to make commitments and think about the future…” His smile turned rueful. “I make you want to live in the moment and you…” He heaved a sigh and shook his head. “You make me want to make plans.”
Senior Week Kiss Page 12
