She said that last bit to Jax like it was a warning.
Very subtle.
When the door closed behind them we were plunged into silence. I twisted my hands together as I scrambled to find words to explain. “Look, what you heard—”
“Forget about it.”
I snapped my mouth shut at his bored tone and watched as he flung the videogame controller to the side.
This guy…it was night and day all over again. Welcome back, Night Jax, I didn’t miss you at all.
“Just let me explain.” I took a step toward him but he was staring at the TV screen, which was showing the opening sequence for a videogame that he wasn’t even playing. How thrilling.
“There’s nothing to explain,” he said.
“I know you heard me in there but I didn’t mean it like it sounded,” I said. Ugh. I hated the words as much as my tone. I sounded like I was pleading…and maybe I was. I was in the middle of a mess of my own making and I had no idea how to make this right, or even if I wanted to make this right.
Because let’s face it. My friends were right. I barely knew this guy, and I was already in too deep. The fact that I was hurt by his rejection right now was proof positive that I already cared too much.
I’d been lying to my friends, or maybe I’d been lying to myself. But for whatever reason, it was impossible to lie to Jax. Looking at him now, I could see past that mask of boredom and my gut twisted with guilt for hurting him. No one wore a mask without a reason, and his reason?
He was way more sensitive than anyone would guess.
I searched his eyes for a glimpse of the guy I’d gotten to know. The guy I may not have known for long, but who I felt like I knew well. The guy who’d told me he liked me and meant it. The guy who saw the best in me even when I was driving myself nuts.
I didn’t know what to say to bring that guy back but I had to try. “I like you, Jax.”
That got his attention, at least. His dark gaze landed on me and I felt it as surely as a touch. I felt his gaze move over me, seeing everything. When he stood up and moved toward me I couldn’t move. I wanted him to reach out to me. I wanted him to pull me close and kiss me hard and make me forget about everything that had just happened.
I wanted him to kiss me and somehow turn back time to that perfect moment earlier tonight when I wasn’t thinking about the past with Ted, or the future that didn’t include Jax, or my friends and their expectations, or my parents with theirs. Or, worst of all, my expectations.
Jax had done that. He’d given me that blissful reprieve from the anxiety and the panic and now more than ever I wanted that Jax back.
But he shoved his hands into his pockets and stopped inches away from me. Close enough that I could smell the sand and saltwater on him from our day together and that sense memory was enough to make me tearful with nostalgia.
Which was ridiculous. I shouldn’t be nostalgic for something that happened only hours before. For something that was still happening…
I met his gaze and saw the truth. No. It wasn’t still happening.
It was over.
Because of me.
That magic between us—the crazy gravitational pull, the electric pulse that made his very presence in a room a heart-racing impetus on par with a shot of amphetamines—it was gone.
Or rather, it was muted. It was being actively denied, and not by me. A gate might as well have drawn shut over Jax’s bottomless, all-seeing eyes. His body language sure as heck said “back off,” and when he finally spoke, he spelled it out for me.
“Look…” He ran a hand through his already tousled hair. “I know you’re going through some pretty heavy stuff right now.”
I blinked at his tone, so world-weary and condescending rather than the empathetic understanding tone I’d grown used to over the course of the day.
“I can explain,” I started again. I was repeating myself because I didn’t know what else to say. I mean, I could explain if I could just think straight for one second. If he would just give me a moment to figure out what it was I was feeling…
“No need,” he said. His smile was cold and distant. “This was just a meaningless casual hookup, right? You don’t owe me any explanations.”
His words were ice water in my veins. My mouth grew dry and my hands started to flutter in this incredibly stupid way, like I was some damsel in distress or something. “I—I—”
A meaningless casual hookup. That was what I’d said. And it was true.
Wasn’t it?
Anger was a relief. It was just a flicker of irritation but I grasped it with both hands and held on because it was better than this sick feeling of guilt. Anger was a relief compared to that burgeoning sense of despair that I was singlehandedly ruining the best thing to come into my life in forever.
“Isn’t it?” I snapped. He jerked back at my harsh tone and I took a step toward him. “Isn’t it just a casual hookup, Jax? I mean, what else could it be?”
His eyes narrowed a bit, the only outward sign that this bored demeanor was all for show. “Right,” he said slowly, his voice so laid back compared to mine it made me sound like a psycho in comparison. “What else could it be?”
My gut twisted and then fell toward my feet. Something in his eyes, in the bitterness found in the harsh thin line of his lips as they pressed together…
“What else could it be when I’m just some poor loser working a hotel counter while you and your friends party? After all, you’ll be leaving for college and I’ll be here at my dead end day jobs.”
I shook my head, anger and confusion warring with a stinging pain. “That’s not what I—”
“Relax, Cat, it’s not like you’re the first tourist to go slumming it with a townie.”
Ouch. I blinked rapidly to keep the tears at bay. Not because of the insult but because of the harsh note in his voice when he talked about himself like that. He was gruff and mean, but what killed me was the hurt underneath it.
“Is that really what you think of me?” Crap. My voice was all wobbly and pathetic. I swallowed and tried again. “That’s not what this was. I wasn’t using you. I thought—”
“You thought, what?” His gaze was harsh, his voice cutting.
I opened my mouth once, twice. Nothing came out.
Finally I threw my hands up in the air. “I don’t know what I thought. I was just having fun.”
He made a scoffing noise that made me stiffen and I heard how it must sound to him. “That’s what I’m here for,” he said with a bitter twist to his lips. “All in a day’s work to show the tourists a good time.”
“You’re intentionally twisting my words,” I snapped.
He arched one unbelievably arrogant eyebrow. “I don’t have to twist anything. You just don’t want to admit the truth.”
“Which is what?” But as soon as the words came out I realized I didn’t want to hear it. Today had been a dream. Something out of time and place. It had also been overwhelming and emotional and filled with first times and unfortunate surprises.
But even with the bad, I didn’t want him to ruin this day by lashing out with something so cruel it couldn’t be taken back. So I hurried on before he could answer. “All I meant was that this couldn’t be serious because we barely know each other.”
“Really? Is that what you think?” His gaze held mine and he moved even closer so we nearly brushed against each other.
So close I could feel him.
So close I could touch him.
But I didn’t. I was struggling to stay calm and to find words that would take away that hurt look in his eyes. Oh, he was clearly trying to hide behind anger but I knew him well enough to know that I’d hurt him.
I knew him.
I knew him well.
The words tumbled over one another. It didn’t make sense, but there it was. I knew this guy and he knew me.
I reached out and clutched his shoulders, holding his gaze so he would see how honest I was. “I like you,” I sa
id again.
It sounded just as lame the second time, but it had to be said. “I really like you.” I found myself repeating his words from earlier and watched as his jaw clenched and his nostrils flared.
“But?” he said, his voice so low and gravelly it made me shiver.
I swallowed the words that almost came tumbling out. But nothing. It would be too easy to end this stupid fight with a kiss. To go back to that blissful euphoria where the future and everyone else on the planet ceased to exist. So I didn’t say that. Instead I clenched my hands into fists, grasping his T-shirt in some vain attempt to forcefully make him understand.
“But I don’t know what I’m doing.”
His startled gaze met mine and I let out a breathy laugh that was part self-deprecating and part hysterical. “My life is falling apart, Jax. I don’t know what I’m doing or what I want.”
I licked my lips and dropped my gaze. I was getting this all wrong. I didn’t know how to explain. “It’s all spinning out of control, and I don’t know what this is.” I shook him slightly by his T-shirt so he’d know I meant him. I meant us. “It’s scary and it’s confusing and it’s…” I forced my gaze up to meet his. “And it’s amazing.”
Some of the stiffness eased out of him under my hands. His eyes were still guarded but I could see his anger fading. He reached up a hand and scrubbed it over his face.
I softened my tone a bit and eased up my grip now that I knew I’d gotten past that wall of anger. “But I am leaving here in a week,” I said, stating the obvious. “And let’s not forget that I’ve only known you for twenty-four hours.”
His gaze shot to mine so quickly and with such ferocity I forgot to inhale.
I had other points I was going to make—about how I was still reeling from a breakup, and how I didn’t want to rush things. But they were temporarily forgotten as I looked into his eyes.
He didn’t believe me. Or maybe he believed me, but my words were a disappointment.
That was the overwhelming sense I got as he backed away until my hands fell from his chest and my arms dangled at my sides.
He was disappointed in me. Which was better than being angry or hurt, I supposed, but I still had this achy feeling in my chest. I still wanted to reach out to him and ask him to rewind time with a kiss.
But I didn’t, and then the moment passed. He turned away slightly. “I get it, Cat. I really do.” He even flashed me a little rueful smile over his shoulder. “Like I said before, you’ve got a lot on your plate right now.”
I nodded. This was true. I had plans to make and a future to map out without Ted, now that it was clear there was no going back.
Clearly Ted had changed if I hadn’t…
But I had, hadn’t I?
What did it say about me that I couldn’t answer that question? How long had it been since I’d asked myself what I wanted and where I wanted to be?
Too long.
Jax seemed to be on the same wavelength as he led the way to the door. “I get it, Cat,” he said again. “You need to figure out what it is you want in life, and I don’t want to get in your way.”
I swear I could taste how wrong this was. But he was holding the door open and I had nothing else to say. There didn’t seem to be anything left to say.
He wasn’t even looking at me, like he’d already moved on from me and this conversation. Like the day we’d spent together was already history. Remember that high-strung girl who crashed on our couch?
I could practically hear it now, I was fading into one of those anecdotes. One of those people you met and never saw again.
Remember when I crashed on that guy’s couch to get out of the rain?
Ugh. I hated the thought that this was it. But I was already halfway out the door and he was closing it behind me.
“I’ll see you around,” I said.
“Yeah, I’ll be at the hotel.”
Of course he would. He worked there. It would have been easier to walk away if he’d been a jerk or if he’d slammed the door in my face, but he gave me a small smile and even a little wave before shutting the door and putting an end to the most perfect day I’d ever experienced.
Chapter Six
I should have slept. Instead I spent the night listening to Beth and Ashley snoring softly as I replayed the conversation with Jax over and over again in my mind.
Ugh. Each time I thought of what I should have said but hadn’t. It got to the point where I threw my covers off multiple times. I’d gotten myself so worked up that I honestly had notions of walking out of our hotel room, heading to his apartment, and knocking on his door.
Each time sanity returned when a gust of air-conditioned hotel room air hit my skin.
What would I say, exactly? And why? And what was the point?
Eventually I managed to doze for a little while. Long enough, at least, so that when I woke again, I didn’t feel quite as insane as I had when I’d tried to fall asleep.
Don’t get me wrong, I was still a big ball of crazy, but I was a rested ball of crazy. I even managed to seem somewhat normal when my friends and I headed downstairs to breakfast.
If anyone noticed that I was keeping a watchful eye out for a certain ridiculously hot front desk clerk, no one let one.
If they noticed that I was a bit distant when we all went to the beach to lay out, they kept it to themselves.
The only time anyone gave me an odd look was when talk of the day’s itinerary came up and I stayed quiet. Mainly because my mind had drifted yet again. The morning had slipped into afternoon and our little group had become a big one as friends who’d arrived that morning met up with us, everyone eager to get in some time on the beach before our first night of activities got under way.
“So we’ll all meet by the Ferris wheel at eight, right?” Ashley said. I was staring at the ocean and barely heard her.
Beth was the one who nudged my arm. “Right, Catherine?”
“Hmm?” I turned to face my friends and found that a gaggle of girls were watching me with interest. I still wasn’t quite certain what they’d said but I nodded just to get their eyes off me.
Leave me alone! Why do I have to be the one to answer all questions?
My irritation was probably due to lack of sleep, but it didn’t fade as my phone blew up all day long with requests and questions from the influx of new students from my school.
What time is dinner? Where are you guys staying? When are we supposed to meet up?
Ugh. Read the itinerary, already. Wasn’t it enough that I’d planned this stupid week to begin with? I’d done all the legwork. All of it. All these people had to do was show up and follow the freakin’ schedule.
And only if they wanted to. It wasn’t like any of this was mandatory or anything. It was supposed to be fun.
Planned fun.
I heard Jax’s voice loud and clear in my mind, teasing me with that flat, serious voice of his. I respect nothing more than a good plan, particularly if you’re planning fun.
It had sounded ridiculous when he’d said it and it sounded just as silly in my head. I was so frantic, and over what?
Planning fun time? What a stupid thing to stress about.
Of course, I wasn’t so obtuse as to think that’s all my stress had been about. There was a world of confusion and fear behind this crazy.
And it was time to face it. Head on. No more avoiding my problems by focusing on agendas. No more fixating on Ted as if salvaging our failed relationship would solve anything.
I was a mess. My friends had been right. Being a giant mess might not have been in my nature, but denying it wasn’t doing anybody any good.
The fact that our group kept growing turned out to be a good thing. Everyone was so busy talking and greeting new additions to the group that I could let my mind wander. I pretended to be listening to the small talk and gossip around me with a smile on my face as my brain did its thing.
And by that I mean, it thought about Jax.
A lot.
It couldn’t seem to stop thinking about him, and I didn’t really want it to. When the group I was sitting with decided to go get ice cream, I saw my chance to get some much needed alone time. “I’ll just hang here,” I said with what I hoped was a lazy smile.
Beth and Ashley gave me a worried look but no one argued and soon I was alone. Blissfully alone and staring out at the ocean. I inhaled deeply and let the fresh air and the soothing sound of the crashing waves work their magic.
If I just had some time and some space maybe I could figure out what on earth was going on inside me and why my heart kept twisting into a knot.
My precious time and space lasted for all of thirty seconds before it was interrupted by a voice I knew well.
“Mind if I join you?”
Ted shuffled his feet in the sand beside me. I gestured toward the vacated blanket space beside me and held my breath as he took the seat in silence.
We sat there for a little while, waiting for the other to break the silence. It sure as heck wasn’t going to be me. First of all, I had no idea what to say. Oh hey, I saw you and your new girlfriend out to dinner last night. Small world, huh?
Yeah, no.
Another part of me—a side I’m not entirely proud of—was curious as to how he was going to tell me. I guess maybe the littlest, most petty part of me wanted to watch him squirm.
And oh Lord did he squirm. When it reached the point where I was starting to squirm on his behalf he finally opened his mouth. “Catherine, there’s something I need to tell you and there’s no easy way to say this, but I don’t want you to hear it from anyone else.” He stopped to draw in a deep breath and that’s when my inner brat gave up the quest to see him squirm.
“No need,” I said.
It wasn’t just that I wanted to spare him this awkward moment—I wanted to spare myself. He gave me a quick look and I put us both out of our agony. “I know you’re dating Amber.”
He blinked a couple of times and I saw his chest rise and fall as he took a deep breath in relief. “Oh.”
Senior Week Kiss Page 11
