Letting Go

by J. M. Witt

  “Eva, are you okay?” J.J. was crouched down in front of his wife.

  “I’m fine. I just got a little dizzy.”

  “Mom, you need to rest.”

  Jane was holding Eva’s wrist loosely and I could see her eyeing her watch. “Your pulse is fine. I think James is right. You just need to get some rest, Aunt Eva.”

  Eva nodded as James and J.J. got her to her feet. They escorted her out of the room, leaving my Dad, Lisa, Cal and I to wonder what was going on.

  “I hope she’s okay,” Lisa stated the obvious.

  We weren’t left waiting long before Jane returned and assured us everything was ok. “Cal, we should probably head out.” Cal agreed. “Cassidy, James asked if we could drop you off at home. He said he’d call you later.”

  “You said everything was okay. I’d like to wait for him if I can.” Jane looked a little perplexed, but she wouldn’t elaborate.

  “Cassidy, it’s no problem, there’s room in the truck.”

  “I’m waiting.” I wasn’t sure why I was being so stubborn, but something told me to stay.

  Cal and Jane didn’t offer again and Jane mentioned that she understood. We all said our goodbyes to Dad and Lisa before I sat down on the couch and picked up a magazine off the end table.

  

  ~ JAMES ~

  We got Mom to her room, Jane helped her in the bathroom and then we got her in bed. I was making my leave when she called me back to her.

  I asked, “Jane, can you and Cal take Cassidy home?”

  “Are you sure? I’m sure she’d prefer to wait for you.”

  “Yes, I’m sure.”

  “I’m not going to force her, James.”

  I nodded as she headed back to the living room and made my way over to the bed.

  “Jimmy, she’s a wonderful girl. I’m thrilled for you.” I was sitting on the side of the bed holding her hand.

  “She is wonderful. I feel like she’s breathed life back into me.” She squeezed my hand. “You should rest, Mom.”

  “She’s strong but very sensitive. I already sense that in her. She’s the one for you, Jimmy, if you let her be. Don’t push her away, now or when I’m gone”

  “Mom, please don’t talk that way. Get some rest. I love you.” I kissed her cheek and stepped into the hall, leaving Dad with her. She had always been extremely inquisitive. I shouldn’t have asked Jane to take Cassidy home, and as I was walking back to the living room, Dad caught up to me.

  “Jimmy, are you okay?” Dad looked genuinely concerned.

  “Should I be?” I pulled my hands through my hair violently, not knowing how to even begin processing the loss of Mom. I knew it was coming, but I couldn’t bear the thought of it.

  “Son, you have to find a way to deal with this.” Looking at my father I could see the tears welling in his eyes. “Does Cassidy even know?” I shook my head. “You need to tell her, which will be a start. Let her take this journey with you, it’ll help.” He put his hands on my shoulders before hugging me.

  “I’ll try, Dad.”

  “Son, I promise you’ll come out the other end stronger as a person and as a couple if you let her in. Shut her out and you’ll regret it. I know from experience. Especially if she’s someone you’re serious about.” He slapped my back and squeezed my shoulder.

  We walked back into the living room and I was relieved to find Cassidy sitting on the couch flipping through a magazine. When she spotted me she put the magazine down and jumped to her feet, smiling at me encouragingly.

  “Cassidy, it was a pleasure to meet you.” My father kissed her cheek before embracing her and she hugged him back.

  “Same here. Thank you for having us over.”

  “Anytime, dear. Happy Birthday. Take care of each other.” He excused himself from the room.

  She was fidgeting and sensed my unease. “Is your Mom alright?” I just stood there looking at her. “James, please let me in.” Her words that echoed my Dad’s undid me. I pulled her tightly to me as she wrapped her arms around my waist as I held her. “James, you’re scaring me.”

  “Mom’s been battling cancer for almost five years.” She inhaled sharply and looked up to me. “I brought her home on Thursday. She’s forgoing anymore treatment.” Her eyes were getting glassy as my own traitorous tear slid down my face and I could tell she was struggling with what to say.

  “James, I’m so sorry. Is there anything I can do?”

  She tucked her head back into my chest as I whispered, “You’re doing it. I’m glad you didn’t leave with Cal and Jane. Thank you for staying.”

  

  ~ CASSIDY ~

  We were driving back to my place and the silence was becoming unbearable. James was just staring into traffic, not mentally there. I took my hand and placed it on his thigh and he picked my hand up and kissed my knuckles.

  “Watching your Mom fight this battle for years, I can’t begin to imagine the pain you’re feeling.” He looked to me with solemn eyes.

  “Death in any form is horrible. Sometimes I wonder if losing her suddenly would’ve been easier.” Feeling myself pale, my throat getting tight, I pulled my hand out of his grasp and started tugging on imaginary specks of lint on my slacks. “Cassidy, I’m an idiot. I didn’t mean it.”

  “I know you didn’t. The grass is always greener.”

  Assuming a smile, I stared out my window and I started remembering the last time I saw her. I was so angry with her. I would give almost anything to take back the hateful words I said to her that night. My door suddenly opened, startling me, and James immediately pulled me to him; I hadn’t even realized we were home.

  “I’m sorry.” His voice was barely above a whisper as he cupped my face when a flash assailed our vision.

  “Cassidy, JB3 would you like to make a statement about the attack on Dan Young?” The man holding the camera was short and resembled a weasel with his camera in our faces. James sheltered me under his arm and shuffled me to the front door.

  “No comment, Len.”

  Fiddling with my keys, I noticed ‘Len’ place his foot on the bottom step behind us when James turned to him, “LEN! I’ll call the police. You’re trespassing,” James growled.

  I popped the key in the lock, walked through the door and moved to see Len moving back to the sidewalk. James slammed the door as another flash brightened the evening sky.

  Dumbstruck, I watched as James ensured all the blinds and curtains were closed tightly. I hung up my jacket and purse then placed my birthday cards on the kitchen counter before making my way back to the couch and curling up in my favorite spot. My knees were pulled up and I was resting my forehead on my knees when the couch dipped under his weight as he sat next to me.

  “Cassidy, I’m really sorry about all this. I never expected them to take such interest in you, us.” His hand was stroking my hair.

  Lifting my head to look at him I told him, “It’s not your fault. I just wasn’t prepared for this. I had no clue what I was getting in to.”

  Looking troubled he said, “I understand if it’s too much.” He stood and began pacing my living room like he was debating about leaving.

  “James, that’s not what I meant. How persistent are these people? Should I get used to them being at my door every day?” I needed him to be honest with me so I could prepare myself mentally.

  “The buzz should die down in the next couple weeks. You’re the new girl on the street. They’ll do some digging until a better story comes along.” He sat back down next to me and must have seen the shadow of fear cross my face. “What is it, baby?”

  “What do you mean by ‘digging’?” I started chewing my nails.

  Picking up on my nervous habit immediately he asked, “Cassidy, what is it? What are you worried about them finding?” My eyes were focused on my knees. “Your record is clean, Smith said so. What is it?”

  “You ran my record?” I shouldn’t have been surprised, but I felt slightly violated and he didn’t look ap
ologetic in the least.

  “Cassidy, I’m your landlord. Of course, I ran your record.”

  “Oh, right. I keep forgetting that little detail. I’m sure it was strictly business related.” He noted my sarcasm and smirked at me.

  Pulling my legs out, he stretched them over his lap. “Cassidy, talk to me. You can trust me.”

  My attempt to evade him was futile. I took a deep breath, blowing it out, “My mom, she’s the one who drove off the old Reynolds farm bridge all those years ago.”

  Watching as the wheels turned in his brain, he looked at me and I knew the instant he remembered the story because his eyes opened just a little bit wider. It was all over the news and in the papers for weeks, if not months.

  “Oh, Jesus. Cassidy, I had no idea.” I wasn’t even aware that I was crying until he wiped a tear away and pulled me him, cradling me in his lap. “I’ll do everything I can to keep this under wraps.”

  “I’m sorry about your mom. I had no idea that she was sick.”

  He didn’t say anything and we just sat in each other’s embrace for a long time. When I felt a change in him—his breathing slow and quiet—I picked up my head and realized he had fallen asleep. Somehow, I managed to crawl off his lap without waking him. I unlaced his boots and then grabbed a blanket and placed it over him.

  Chapter Twenty-Two – Twisted…

  ~ CASSIDY ~

  Deciding to catch up on some laundry after changing into some sweats and an oversized t-shirt, I threw a load in and returned to the living room to find James still asleep. It was after seven p.m. and I wasn’t sure how long I should let him sleep. Electing to heat up some apple cider before waking him, I set the two cups down on the coffee table and knelt in front of him and started removing the boots I had unlaced earlier.

  “What time is it?” I looked up at him and his head was still resting on the back of the couch, he was smiling down at me and I smiled back. After I let him know the time, he stretched his arms up above his head, “That smells delicious.”

  I set his boots to the side before I stood; handing him a cup of cider and watching him take a long sip. “Cecily gave me the day off tomorrow. You want to watch a movie, maybe make some popcorn?”

  “That sounds wonderful, as long as you cuddle with me.” He winked at me and smiled.

  “I didn’t take you for the cuddling type.”

  “Oh, Cassidy, the things we still need to learn from one another.” Smiling broadly at him, I took a sip of my own cider. “Did you have a movie in mind?”

  “I’m not sure. I figured we can hit the RedBox down the street. I don’t have cable or any of the internet movie services.”

  “You’ve got a nice TV and BluRay player, though.”

  “Anthony and Lena got those for me when I moved in. Lena’s dad works at an electronics store so she got a great deal!”

  “You have internet?” I told him I did. “Great, I have all the internet services. Get me your remotes. We can load up mine.”

  I got him the remotes and sat down next to him while he programmed my multimedia BluRay player with several different options. “There. Now you have Netflix and Amazon. Shall we start browsing?” We began our search for a movie to watch.

  James changed into some running shorts and a t-shirt before we settled down on the couch. We ended up picking our favorite movies to watch. Goonies and The Princess Bride were both in our top five so we watched them in that order. I felt like a kid again watching them, only I was curled up with James and that made it even better. Frequently we would both repeat our favorite lines; some the same some not. I told him we should do this more often and he agreed; it was nice having a little bit of normalcy. When the movies were over we were laying down on the couch together just enjoying the quiet and each other.

  Curiosity got the better of me.

  “So, where did you learn about the BDSM stuff?” My head rested on his chest and I was running my fingers up and down his forearm. “I mean, do you go to secret clubs and stuff?” I chuckled nervously.

  “Are you sure you want to know? Think you can handle it?” His voice was deep and soft. I popped my head up to look at him, a little alarmed by his words, and he pressed my head back down. “Relax, Cassidy. If you really want to know I’ll tell you.”

  I hesitated briefly contemplating if I really did want to know. “I want to know.”

  “It was after Jason’s death. I went back to school after winter break and I had so much anger in me that I was getting out of control. I was picking fights in bars and finally got myself arrested. I hired an attorney and she’s who introduced me to it all.” He must have felt me stiffen, “Don’t worry. She just introduced me and showed me the ropes.”

  Looking up at him, a million bizarre scenarios started running through my mind. “Showed you the ropes? Were you her boy toy?” I scrunched up my face but my voice was playful as he shook his head with a grin.

  “It was strictly a platonic friendship, she was my Mentor. She’s married now with kids. I see her occasionally, mostly work related.” He continued stroking my back and running his fingers through my hair and it felt heavenly. After a few minutes he broke the silence, “Have I scared you away?”

  “No,” shaking my head against his chest.

  “Then what are you thinking?”

  “Mmm, I was thinking about all of it, if I’m doing it for you or whatever. If there’s something more I could do for you. I assume you’re a Dom and I guess that makes me a sub?”

  “Yes, I am, a Dom that is.” His tone was gentle. “There’s nothing wrong with being submissive, it doesn’t make you weak. I sensed it the first time I saw you. It actually requires great strength.”

  “I just, well, some of the shit I read about is really scary and some of it really turns me on, at least when I read about it, that is. I don’t know how I’d react in real life.” I hesitated and he stroked my cheek as if to encourage me. “I don’t know how to ask this.”

  “What is it Cassidy? You can ask me anything.”

  His tone was reassuring so I asked, “Well, how far would you take it with me? I don’t want you to hold back, but I don’t know how dark and twisted you are, either. You’re a little intimidating and I don’t know if I could ever tell you no.” Had I just said that out loud? It was true; I trusted him and I wanted to give him everything he wanted and needed.

  “Are you asking me if I want to hurt you? If I’m a sadist?”

  “I guess so.”

  “I am dark and twisted, Cassidy, but you already know that. You’re the first person, outside the secret clubs, who knows this about me and hasn’t persecuted me for it. Maybe I should ask you what things turn you on in your books and what things scare you.”

  Sitting up, I pushed myself off his chest and straddled his thighs. He looked up at me, his eyes transfixed on mine and I let out a deep breath, feeling my cheeks flush.

  “I love when you blush. Go on, you can’t scare me.” Winking and crossing his hands across his chest he waited for me to speak.

  “So, there really are secret clubs?” I was barely able to control the excitement in my voice.

  “Yes, there are. So, what things have you read about that scare you?”

  “Well, I don’t think I could handle blood play, for many reasons.” Staring at my own hands that were playing with a loose string on the hem of his shirt, I looked up and he nodded agreement. “Um, do people really play with electricity?” His look gave me my answer. “That’s too scary, no thank you.” He smiled. “I’m not really sure, it’s not like I’ve been to any secret clubs or parties. Just the things I’ve read and the things we’ve done are what I know.”

  “Would you want to go to a party with me? We could just observe, no pressure or expectations.” As if sensing my question before I asked it, he took my hands in his and pressed them to his chest. “It’s strictly confidential. I know in your line of work it could make things uncomfortable. Some people wear masks, but everyone signs confiden
tiality contracts.”

  Leaning down on his chest so I could be closer to his face I said, “I would go with you; no pressure or expectations.” That smile I loved broke the contours of his face and he pulled me down and kissed me.

  “Just so you know, full disclosure and all. I’m an odd Dom. I don’t have any one specific kink. My kink is your kink.” My eyes scrunched together in question. “If you want to be hurt, I’ll hurt you, purely consensual. I like finding out what turns my sub on while pushing her limits. But I never want her afraid or untrusting. I told you, I’m an odd Dom.”

  “I think we could all be considered odd in one form or another. I’m happy to be your sub, even if I’m still not really sure what that means.”

  “I’ll see when the next party is. There’s usually one around Thanksgiving.” He tucked my head into the crook of his neck.

  “My dad and Lisa are getting married on Black Friday. I’m the maid of honor, so as long as it doesn’t interfere.”

  “Black Friday?”

  Giggling, “The day after Thanksgiving, biggest shopping day of the year; people call it Black Friday.”

  “Oh, okay. So you’re the maid of honor?”

  “Yup, and Cal is the best man. Lisa doesn’t have any kids and it was really important to them both that Cal and I partake. I’m also putting the reception together.”

  “Where are they getting married?”

  “Oh, it’s just a small family thing at the house. We’re having it catered, that sort of thing.”

  “Oh, okay.” His tone was a little off and I realized my blunder.

  Sitting up to look at him, I asked, “Do you want to come?”

  “I’m not inviting myself to your father’s wedding, Cassidy. You said it was a small family thing.”

  “I didn’t mean it like that.” Pressing my lips together, I tried to contain my laughter. “You’re acting like a girl. Of course I want you there with me, if you want.” I turned my eyes away from him and he started tickling my hips.