Mad Max (SEAL Team Alpha Book 12)

by Zoe Dawson

  Renata tried to pick up the dishes, but Carolina waved her away. “I’ll take care of that—”

  “We will,” Professor said, and the three SEALs started clearing. “You all get some sleep.”

  It was decided that Anna would take the spare room, Dodger, Professor, and Saint would sleep in the barn, handling a revolving patrol as a precaution, Max and Renata still had their room, and of course, Carolina and her husband in their master suite. Everything was settled.

  Yet Renata was so, so unsettled.

  She’d been telling everyone all night that she was fine.

  She wasn’t even close.

  She sat back down, the conversation murmuring around her, but it was all distant and indistinct. Every time she closed her eyes, she could see Scar murder Enrico, her helpless to stop him. The guilt of telling Enrico’s father that he was going to live, knowing all along that he wasn’t, knowing that she had to save Carolina from retribution. There was only the lie and the fact that his death had freed her from the drug runners without harm to any of them.

  Logically, she knew she had been under untold pressure, under dire circumstances, life and death hanging in her ability to sugarcoat the truth. A truth that had skewed her dedication to her oath. An oath she had turned her back on because she didn’t know who she really was. And the personal crisis she was feeling drowned out any logic and reason she could use in her defense.

  Behind her eyes, she could feel Badunzye’s hands and mouth, revulsion making her sick. She’d barely touched a morsel of the delicious food—barbequed beef and pork sausages, yuca fries, Russian salad, and a delicious custard dessert called crema.

  Max was talking to Jason in low tones, and she knew it had to do with his situation with the Marines and the Corta Cartel. It set her on edge that Carolina could still be in danger. She couldn’t bear it if something happened to them after all they had been through.

  A metal platter hit the ground with a clatter, and Renata stood up, ready to flee, her heart beating so hard she couldn’t catch her breath. Her insides jangled, buzzing with anxiety.

  She didn’t know how long she stood there. Long enough for people to look at her like she was a frightened animal. Long enough for them to realize she wasn’t fine.

  “Renata?” Max’s voice was loud, and he shook her gently as if he’d been trying to get her attention for a while. She’d never heard his voice or felt his touch. She looked at him and tried to school her features, smooth out her anxiety.

  “Babe?”

  Before he could ask her if she was okay and she had to lie to his face again, she blurted out, “I’m going to take a shower.”

  She fled away from his questioning, concerned eyes, their scrutiny, back to her room as if she could hide from all the emotions, thoughts, and anguish she was feeling, covering her face with her hand.

  Swallowing against the sudden tightness in her throat, Renata dropped her hand, her legs trembling, dread rising up like a sickness. She couldn’t think about it. She had to shut off her mind and not think about it. Badunzye was dead. Molina wouldn’t hurt her. She was safe.

  Then she saw the knife descend, the blood as it spurted, the fear and revulsion coursing through her not only at his touch and his intentions but at her ending his life.

  She ripped off her clothes, getting rid of the hated garments. She would never wear them again. She turned the water to hot, barely waiting for it to cool with the cold before she got in and reached for the soap, scrubbing herself.

  Then the absolute recklessness of what she’d done hit her, and her throat closed up with another painful cramp, only this time her vision blurred with tears. She wasn’t even rational. If she hadn’t acted the way she had, who knows what would have happened to her and Carolina.

  Reliving the awful feelings that had churned through her when she’d had to protect herself, she covered her face with both hands, finally giving into the intolerable pressure in her chest. She was a doctor! But she was a woman first and a human being who reacted to threat and fear just like everyone else.

  She had been a rock, and the panic of the situation should have unraveled her, but in times of great peril, courage was nothing more than knowing the danger and dealing with it anyway.

  A sob escaped her and then another, and before she knew it, she was weeping uncontrollably as she sunk to the tiled floor.

  Hard arms came around her, dragging her against him, holding her so tightly, she knew she was safe to cry out all that she was feeling. Renata sagged against him, unable to hold in all the raw and turbulent feelings that surged through her. But the miracle of being held by him, of having someone to share her fear with, of the safe haven in Max’s arms, allowed her to release all those pent-up emotions. She huddled in his arms, pressing her wet face into the curve of his neck.

  The water poured down into the drain, and she let all that she was feeling wash down with it. Drawing her deeper into his warmth, he cradled her head even closer, his breath warm against the side of her face. He didn’t say anything. He didn’t have to. He understood because this was his life, a SEAL’s life. Their silent communication was enough.

  He reached up and turned off the water. Still fully clothed, he lifted her naked body off the floor and set her on the commode. Grabbing a towel, he gently rubbed her dry. Stripping, he dried himself quickly, then had her back in his arms. He carried her out of the bathroom and into the bedroom, folding down with her onto the comfort of the soft mattress and his hard, naked body, his warm skin against hers so soothing.

  She looked up at him, her eyes awash with tears, and Max brushed his knuckles across her cheek, then tucked her wet hair behind her ear. His expression etched with strain, he twisted a wet curl around his finger, then swallowed hard and looked at her, his eyes dark and tormented. Then releasing a long, shaky sigh, he shifted them both under the covers.

  “Make love to me, Max. Erase the memory of him. Please.”

  He buried his face against her neck, and Renata felt his chest expand. Abruptly, everything changed. He was hard and fully aroused against her, and her breath caught on the sudden wild flutter in her chest. Closing her eyes against the explosion of need, she hung onto him, a heady weakness pulsing through her. On a soft sound of entreaty, she drew up her knees, and Max choked out her name.

  “Are you sure, babe?”

  Shaken to the core by the agony of need in his voice, her body primed for the feel of him, she clutched at him, rubbing her wet heat against him.

  “Yes, cleanse me, Max,” she whispered, her voice breaking from the frenzy of hot, surging desire. “I love the feel of you, the taste of you, the sound of your voice, the warmth and hardness of your body. You are the most beautiful man I have ever seen. All I need right now is you.”

  He roughly tightened his hand and made a low sound, and Renata arched her back and lifted her pelvis. He moved against her, another low, ragged sound torn from him as he entered her in one, thick, hard, hot thrust.

  There was no room for gentleness or patience. There was only urgency and a fever of want, a driving, desperate, frantic greed that consumed them, drove them, carried them to the very edge of an emotional precipice. Max clutched her and drove into her one final time. The blackness exploded into splintering shards of silver, and the release came, a blinding, paralyzing, cleansing release that took them both under.

  Max held on to her, covered her in his strength and heat, his body shuddering against hers, and Renata clung to him, tears of raw emotion slipping down her temples, so shaken, so emotionally exposed that she felt stripped inside. It took a long time for all that emotional turbulence to settle, and the first things she was aware of were how close she was to sobbing and how securely he was holding her. She released some of that emotional overload by expelling the air in her lungs, then cradled the back of his head and hugged him fiercely, tears dampening her face.

  Max inhaled unevenly, then turned his head and kissed her on the curve of her neck. Renata could feel his hear
t hammering against hers.

  “Babe, you okay?” he whispered, his voice rough with emotion.

  She nodded, burying her face against his neck, waiting for the pressure to ease in her chest. She cupped the back of his neck. “You?”

  Drawing one arm from under her, he braced his weight on it and looked down at her. With the dark stubble shadowing his jaw, his heavy-lidded eyes and his tousled hair, he looked dark and dangerous and very male. He gave her a slow, soft smile, a trace of amusement in his eyes.

  “You are a piece of work, Doc.” He leaned down and kissed her, his mouth warm and moist and open against hers. “I only care about how you’re doing,” he whispered huskily.

  Max was trying to lighten the mood, but she couldn’t give him that yet. She needed to talk. Her throat tight, she slid her hand up his neck and kissed him back, trying to give him all the emotional honesty he had given her. Holding her still, Max eased away, then sighed and raised his head, his eyes so blue and somber as he gazed down at her.

  “Talk to me, Doc.” The nickname had once been his way of chiding her or teasing her, but now it was nothing but a soft endearment. This tough, dangerous man had changed. He was still tough and dangerous, still the warrior, but there was a maturity about him as if he’d finally discovered what had been missing in his life.

  She only wished she could say the same, but there was so much sifting she still had to do to come to terms with who she really was.

  “I was so scared. So damned scared.” Determined not to let fear overwhelm her, she made herself concentrate on taking deep, steadying breaths, making her muscles relax. He had made her whole in the white-hot fire of his need. Taking one final stabilizing breath, she raised her head and let it all pour out of her. Everything she’d experienced and felt from the perceived breaking of her oath to use Enrico, to killing Badunzye.

  She rested her head on his shoulder and tucked her knee between his, the weight of his arm across her back holding her securely against him. Her hand splayed against his chest, and she listened to the counterpoint of his heartbeat.

  “It’s good to let it all out, Renata. Keeping it bottled up leads to PTSD. Don’t stop talking about it, especially if you start having nightmares. It will help you get through it. I’m here for you, babe, whenever you need me.” He squeezed her hard. “I know it wasn’t easy and you were scared, but damn, woman, I was so blown away by your courage and cunning. When I saw Carolina walk out of the camp…I think I fell…almost fell over.”

  Her breath hitched and she pushed up, needing to look into his face. “That’s not what you were going to say.”

  He met her gaze head on. A gentle gleam softened his eyes. He ran his thumb back and forth across her bottom lip, his touch erotic and sensitizing. The gleam deepened, and his gaze turned more intimate.

  “No. That wasn’t what I was going to say.”

  “What was it, Max?”

  “I think I fell more in love with you than I already was.”

  Swallowing against the almost unbearable fullness in her throat, she held his steady gaze and smiled as tears gathered and slipped down her cheeks in silent homage.

  “Oh, Max. Not more than I am hopelessly in love with you.”

  16

  Max stared up at her, unmoving, unbelieving, uncertain. He reached up and cupped her face, taking an unsteady breath. Trying his damnedest to get rid of the big lump in his throat, he ran his hand up her spine. Hooking his knuckles under her chin, he lifted her face and smiled, his touch slow and provocative.

  “Say it again,” he commanded.

  She tried to swallow as tears appeared, and she looked at him with her heart in her eyes. She drew a shaky breath, her gaze direct and unguarded. “I love you, Max,” she whispered unevenly. With tears glistening in her sooty lashes, she touched his face with infinite gentleness, then leaned down and kissed him, whispering against his mouth. “Hopelessly love you.”

  His throat thick and his chest full of emotion, Max caught her by the back of the head, his fingers tangling in her hair as he opened his mouth beneath hers, taking all that she offered. She gave him what he wanted.

  When she broke the kiss, she said, “That was the easy part, Max. I’m kinda in a free fall here with you, what I want to do with all these thoughts and yearnings about medicine, a soul-searching to make sure I make the right decision, my current commitments, and the uncertainty of the future.”

  Renata had a lot to shift through, including what happened at the Nexo camp. But she had to make the decision. It wouldn’t be worth anything if he forced her onto his selfish path. And it was tempting because he wanted her in his life like he’d never wanted a woman before.

  “This came at us out of the blue. I understand it will take some acclimating to get to a future you want to be in. I’m not asking for anything, Renata. I want a lot, but you’ll need to take the time to assess everything and figure it out. I won’t pressure you. It’s not my style anyway. I’m keeping an open mind where we’re concerned.”

  Her expression softened, the doubts like shadows in her eyes. “Oh, Max, how did I get so lucky?”

  “What are you talking about? I’m the lucky one. You’ve taken me by storm, lady.” He held her gaze for a moment, then leaned up and gave her a slow, comforting kiss. He heard her breath catch, and she gripped his wrists. Tightening his hold, he moved his mouth ever so softly against hers, the clean scent of her filling his senses. Releasing an unsteady sigh, he didn’t say anything, he just closed his eyes and drew her deeper into his embrace, his chest tightening. One step at a time got you in the direction you wanted to go.

  “I don’t want to keep you hanging or in the dark. But I agree. I am going to need time.”

  “Then you take what you need.” He looked away. “My job is no picnic for anyone who gets involved with me. I’m gone over two hundred days of the year, I can be called away at a moment’s notice, and I’m in constant danger. That kind of shit takes its toll on a partner. It’s going to take a lot of sacrifice to make anything work.”

  “I get that. So, distance would be untenable.”

  He couldn’t lie to her. A relationship needed to be in the present, nurtured and experienced. They had enough challenges with him being gone so much. He smoothed the thick fall of hair from her face. “Completely. I’m not saying it can’t be done, but it’s a difficult life, babe. I expect to be in for the long haul. Barring any unforeseen complications, that means operating for maybe another ten to fifteen years.”

  She stared at him, then looked away. He brought her head around and he could see her processing that information. “I’m not afraid of sacrificing for you, Max. I understand the personal toll it could take on me, but I’m a strong woman.”

  He smiled. “You are.” He cupped her face in his hands. “Know that when I do make a commitment, I’m all in, Renata, every day in every way. I don’t back down from hardship or discussions that need to happen. I’m not one of those guys that can’t open up to you about my day as long as I don’t reveal classified information, especially when things go south. With that all said, we can agree to play it by ear until you know what you want. I would rather lose you to find your bliss than to hold you with concessions.”

  She smiled back, her lips quirking as she rubbed her thumb back and forth across his collarbone. “You are such a decent man. It’s your fault I’m having this identity crisis.”

  His chest expanded with a deep, uneven breath. “Me?”

  She nudged her hips and said, “Yes. I was perfectly content with discovering new things and objects, the thrill of historical artifacts, and you fall out of the sky with your fierce, loyal pal who has the guts and determination, even wounded, to provide for you.” Her smile faded and her eyes went unfocused. “Operating again made me realize how much I missed it and got me to thinking about why I gave it up. All my reasons sounding now like nothing but excuses. Stubborn blindness and tunnel vision.”

  Max stroked the rise of her hip with his
thumb as he considered her response. “You changed me, too,” he said, his tone rough. His mouth lifted in a humorless smile. “You made me look at my own shortcomings and how I was shortchanging myself, not living up to my full potential, and bruising my ego just a bit.”

  “A bit?” she asked, then laughed.

  “I didn’t like feeling helpless and rescued like a damsel in distress,” he growled.

  “If the glass slipper fits…” She grinned, then shrugged. “Table flipping is my forte,” she said.

  “Sassy piece of work.”

  “That so,” she said, sliding her arms around his neck and moving on top of him. Closing his arms around her, he grasped a handful of hair. Clenching his jaw, he turned his head against hers, something raw and wild gripping him in a vise. Pulling out of his hold, her hair cascading around her face, she shivered. She rose up, then lowered her weight on him, taking him deep inside her.

  Breaking out in a cold sweat, Max clenched his jaw against the sharp, electrifying surge of feeling, his shoulders coming off the bed as she moved sinuously against him. His heartbeat pumping, his pulse thick and heavy when she grabbed his hands and lifted them over his head, lacing her fingers through his, pressing them into the pillow for leverage as her hair and heated tips of her nipples brushed his chest with every thrust of her hips.

  Turning his head on the pillow, lost in the sensations she was generating, he said, “Fuck me.”

  “My pleasure,” she whispered, her breathing ragged.

  He groaned on a burst of laughter, but the amusement died when she bent over him, her wet tightness gripping him, stroking him, drawing him closer and closer.

  An agony of sensation shot through him, and he rolled his head again, the cords of his neck taut, and he sucked in a breath through clenched teeth. She rode him hard and fast, her moans mingling with his, her body writhing with as much pleasure as his.

  Her thrusts took him deeper inside her, and he went under, the fever claiming him. He groaned and flexed beneath her, driving inside her, taking him with her over the edge.