by Robin Roseau
Instead, I did something very simple. I set my hand on Lara's leg, palm up. She looked at it for a moment before clasping it in both of hers. My entire hand disappeared inside of hers.
Not for the first time, I wondered how difficult it was for her to see me as an adult. I was as small as a young teenage werewolf. In fur, even the pups were now bigger than I was.
"When you guys look at me, how hard is it to remember I'm an adult?"
Beside me, Lara stiffened, and I thought perhaps Elisabeth did as well.
"I'm not starting a fight," I added. "I'm just curious. Kaylee is bigger than I am now. The only people on the compound smaller than me are the pups, and they're bigger in fur."
"Michaela, at no time do I see you as anything less than what you are. You are all woman." She lifted my hand to her lips and kissed the backs of my fingers. "It's very hard not to see you as very fragile, but I don't see you as a child."
"How about the two of you?"
"Lara is right," Elisabeth said. "You're small and delicate, but we're used to the humans we encounter being small, too, so we don't judge maturity based on size."
"Although instinctively, we can't help but feel protective," Serena added. "But we're protective around Michele Lassiter, too."
"Not Nick?" Scarlett's father was human. "Or Benny?"
"You're a lot more delicate than either of them, Michaela," Serena said.
"I'm stronger than either of them."
"We know that intellectually. But instinctively, it's harder."
I nodded.
I turned to the window, set my forehead against the cool glass, and watched the world roll past. There was still an elephant in the car, and my question hadn't helped. Asking Lara to hold my hand may have. Everything felt awkward, and it was my own fault.
"Lara, do you have to work tonight?"
"I need an update from the head enforcer," Lara said. "Elisabeth, do you expect anything pressing?"
"No. There were antics on Halloween, but nothing that stands out over previous years."
"I need a shower," I said. "And to spend time with the pups. Food. And maybe a relaxing movie while cuddled with my mate and our daughters. Maybe some of our friends will join us. Or did you have something else in mind, Lara?"
"That sounds lovely, Little Fox."
"Elisabeth, will you join us?"
She turned around to look at me more carefully. I knew she was about to turn us down, perhaps to give me room.
"It would be nice to have you, but if you're ready to be away from us for a while, we understand," I added, beating her to the punch.
She didn't answer right away.
"Elisabeth, when was the last time I did something to be polite?"
She laughed. "I need a run and a shower. Don't wait for me."
"Serena, your family is welcome," I said.
"I think Emanuel and I will stay home," Serena said.
"Send Kaylee over if you want."
* * * *
"That was a sweet movie," Lara said several hours later.
"It's nice to be home." I slipped into bed then watched my mate as she puttered around the room for a minute. When it became obvious she was stalling, I asked, "Are you angry at me?"
"Of course not." But she didn't look at me.
"Then do you think my big, strong, alpha mate would come to bed and hold me?" I asked.
She still didn't turn to face me. "We're not done fighting, are we?"
"Of course we are," I replied. "I told Elisabeth if she doesn't find a way for me to bring my knives with me, as Alpha, I had the authority to vacate the wager on grounds of pack safety." I brushed my hands together as if I was brushing crumbs from them. "One issue resolved."
At that, Lara turned to look at me. "And the other issue?"
"We're both too frazzled to discuss that tonight," I said. "And so we're going to let a few days give us both a little perspective then talk about it like rational adults. Now, unless you really are mad at me, I really hope you'll come to bed and hold me. I like to feel your arms around me while we sleep."
And so she did.
* * * *
The next several days were tense. Lara and most of the enforcers were on eggshells around me. Discounting my students, no one teased me. That was unusual.
Wednesday after class, with Serena and Portia flanking me, I stepped out of the school. I did what I always do. I listened.
Serena and Portia, of course, were loudest. I could readily hear their heartbeats. Portia was immediately in front of me, and Serena had her hand on my shoulder.
The next sound were the sounds of the forest. There was a light wind blowing the trees. I heard a few birds here and there.
There wasn't any game nearby; the area immediately around the compound was a dead zone of anything a werewolf might hunt, and we had to get a mile or more away before I would find rabbits and squirrels, and a little further for deer.
But I heard two more wolf heartbeats in the woods not far from the back of the house. I cocked my head listening.
The two wolves were being very quiet, for wolves.
It was then I realized since returning on Sunday I'd heard wolves in the woods every time I'd stepped outside. I turned to look at Serena. She was watching me instead of scanning for danger.
"I'm not sure if I should be amused, flattered, or insulted."
"Alpha?"
"Insulted that you're worried I'm going to fly off the handle. Amused that you think having two enforcers in fur will matter if I decide to leave, although a little insulted at the same time. Flattered that you care enough to try to keep me."
"Alpha-"
"That is why they're out there, isn't it?" I asked. "Or has there been a new threat that no one thought to tell me about?"
"Alpha-" She broke off a second time.
"Serena, let me ask a different question. If I decide to leave, if I pack my things, write a letter of resignation from my job, the pack, my duties as a mother, a wife... Are you going to stop me? Then what? The jail cell again? Been there, done that. Is that the plan?"
"You should have this conversation with your mate."
"My mate isn't here," I said. "What are you going to do if I go inside, grab my car keys, hand you a letter of resignation from everything, and head to my car?"
"Michaela, you're not about to do any of that."
"Then why are we making a couple of enforcers watch the house?"
She didn't have an answer for that.
"Am I a prisoner of the Madison pack, Serena? If I decide to leave, do you intend to stop me?"
"I cannot leave you unprotected without direct orders from the alpha or the head enforcer. So yes, if you tried to leave right now, I would either insist on a proper escort or insist you remain home until I have permission to release you."
I breathed deeply for a moment or two. "How does this play out, Serena? If I decide to leave, how does this play out? Lara will lock me up indefinitely? You're going to support that? What?"
"I don't know."
"Are those wolves out there a new, permanent feature?"
"I don't know."
I shook my head. "If you were starting to act a little erratically because you hadn't been hunting enough lately, do you think keeping you from hunting is the right solution?" I didn't wait for her to respond. "Then when I start to show stress from lack of freedom, do you think taking away more of my freedom is the right idea?"
"No one is taking your freedom, Michaela."
"As long as I shut up and do what I'm told?"
"Why are you making this more difficult than it needs to be?" she asked. "Eric and Angel aren't hurting you in any way right now. Portia and I aren't preventing you from doing anything you want to do."
"That's only because I'm doing what Lara approves of my doing. But if I try to do anything unapproved, you're going to be right here to stop me, and you're making sure I know it, too." I put my hand on my hip. "I want to know why."
S
he closed her eyes for a moment and sighed. "Because, Michaela, we love you."
"Smothering me is a poor way to show it."
"Better smothered than kidnapped or dead."
"So my mental stability doesn't matter."
"You're being hyperbolic. You have more freedom than any alpha's mate in North America and a hell of a lot more than Sonya has. She seemed fine."
"If that's how Lara wants me to live, then she should have kept me as her blood thrall."
"Michaela, you have responsibilities here. Are you abdicating them?"
"Who said anything about abdicating responsibilities?" I asked. "I'm just asking all of you to back the fuck off."
"We're not stopping you from doing anything you want to do, Michaela. You're making up scenarios that aren't going to happen."
"Apparently, so are you," I spat. "Or Eric and Angel wouldn't be in reserve."
"We consider the likelihood of you acting up to be fairly high. When you do, you won't be alone. That's all."
I cocked my head. "So you're not going to stop me from doing what I want?"
"That goes back to the question you didn't answer," she replied. "Do you intend to abdicate your responsibilities?"
"Not at this time," I said.
"Then no, we're not going to stop you from doing what you want."
"Fine. In twenty minutes, I am taking the pups for a half-hour run before people begin showing up for Wednesday night dinner. I expect our escort to be loose and to avoid scaring the game. I want quality time with my daughters. Am I clear?"
I didn't wait for an answer but turned towards the house. A moment later, I felt Serena's hand on my back. I came to another stop and looked over my shoulder at her. "Remove your hand, Enforcer."
She looked into my eyes, slowly exhaled, and nodded. Her hand fell away.
* * * *
In the house, I found Nora playing with the kids. The three of them were assembling a puzzle on the dining room table. Emanuel and Rory were on duty, which meant Emanuel was standing at the dining room window and Rory at the living room window. The girls looked up.
"Mommy Fox!" said Celeste. "We're making a picture."
"I see that," I said.
"You could help, Mommy Fox," Rebecca suggested.
I crossed the room, setting my things aside for a moment. I pulled each girl into a quick hug and a kiss, but they were deeply focused on the puzzle, and they didn't decide it was time to run around.
"I'm going to change clothes," I said. "Then we'll finish the puzzle together. Who wants to go for a run before dinner?"
"I do!" both girls said together.
"Keep working on the puzzle," I said. "I'll be downstairs in a few minutes."
I was actually a little surprised. My house was often teenager grand central station. But none of my students were hanging out in the living room, and when I listened, the only heartbeat I heard from upstairs was Portia's, doing a quick security search. I had long gotten used to those, but they were ridiculous. Emanuel and Rory wouldn't have let anyone in the house, after all. I wondered where all the teenagers were then set it aside. I had enough to worry about.
I grabbed my things and headed for the stairs. Serena tried to shadow me, but I turned to her. "Portia has already searched. You can guard from down here."
With me on the first step of the stairs, our eyes were at about the same level. She stared into them for a moment then nodded.
"Thank you," I added.
Portia was at the top of the stairs, pointedly not looking at me. "You, too," I said. I hooked my thumb over my shoulder.
"Of course, Alpha," she said. She stepped past me and was two steps down the stairs before she said, "Alpha?"
I turned to her, my hand on the bedroom doorknob.
"I was wondering if we could count on you for movie night this Friday."
"Are you sure I'm welcome?"
"Michaela, we would be deeply hurt if that's even a serious question."
I paused a moment longer before answering. "I do not know if Nora has plans." Nora almost certainly had plans. "Nor do I know if my mate has made alternate plans for us."
"If you don't want to come," she said gently, "there is never an obligation. But we both know finding a baby sitter for the girls won't be a problem."
"I don't like to assume, Portia," I said. "If Lara hasn't other plans or objections, and the kids are covered, then we'll be there. I can let you know later."
"Zoe and Ember will be pleased for you to come."
I nodded, and we both turned away, but then I interrupted her. "Portia?" We turned to each other again. "Would you put up with it, if you were in my shoes?"
We stared at each other for a while before she answered. "I don't know. Life has compromises, Michaela. You know that."
"You mean, like leaving my home?" I asked. "Like being cooped up inside all the time? Like having no privacy? Having to ask permission to do anything?"
"Michaela, some of those are self-inflicted. You know this is my first pack, but I've been around. I know of a few alpha's mates who are businesswomen, but I don't know of any that have a job that didn't involve running either their own businesses or those of their mates'."
"You're recommending I resign as teacher and live off Lara's money?"
"No. My daughter would be devastated if you did. However, if you don't enjoy teaching, you should resign as teacher. I think you enjoy teaching, Michaela. I think it's important to you. As for the rest?" She shrugged. "I didn't hear you ask if you could go for a run. I heard you inform us what you were doing, and Serena said okay."
"Do you have any idea how often I don't do the things I want because the enforcers won't let me?"
"I have never told you that you couldn't do something. I don't recall hearing Serena do so, either."
"She laid hands on me at Carissa's party."
"Two minutes, Michaela. The entire incident was two minutes. And you met the wolves in question. What exactly did she stop you from doing?"
We both stared at each other.
"Michaela, I'm not trying to argue. But it comes back to something simple. Life is full of compromises. We all make them."
I didn't say anything further on it. Instead I said, "I'll be downstairs in a few minutes."
I turned back to the door and let myself into the bedroom. I leaned against the door and listened as Portia made her way downstairs.
I could hear all of them down there, of course. If I moved further from the door, their heartbeats wouldn't pound at me so loudly, and I could get away from it a little. And so I moved deeper into the room, shedding my clothes. I hung everything up then pulled on jeans and a blouse. I grabbed my phone and lay down on the bed.
I sent a text to Lara. "Going for a run with the pups in fifteen minutes. If you're here, you could join us." Then I lay on my back, staring at the ceiling, and trying to pretend my house wasn't full of werewolves.
They would never understand. They had each other. Who did I have? Sonya was back in Russia by now. My family was dead. My fox friends were all long dead.
My phone buzzed. "Wait for me?"
I sent back, "Wednesday dinner. Need to be back before people show up. Get here in time and you can catch up. Otherwise we can take another run this evening."
I closed my eyes, trying to shut it all out for a few minutes, a few minutes of relative quiet without the thump-thump-thump of all their heartbeats pressing on me.
But I was restless. It wasn't my nature to be sedentary. Lying on the bed wasn't relaxing. Hiding in my room wasn't relaxing. I wanted to run. I wanted to feel the wind in my fur. I wanted to hunt, to stalk. But mostly I just wanted to run, to run free, long and hard.
I couldn't remember the last time I'd been for a run alone.
I sighed and climbed from the bed, stashing the phone in my jeans pocket. I moved to the door, staring at it for a moment. From below, I heard a moment of laughter. I straightened, opened the door, and was assailed by heartbeats, so many
heartbeats.
Thump-thump-thump-thump.
I took another breath, letting it out slowly, before I descended the stairs.
Several faces turned towards me as I appeared. I looked around. There were no new faces since I'd gone upstairs. I settled my eyes on Serena.
"Enforcers, out."
"Excuse me?" she asked.
"You can guard us from outside. We'll be out in a few minutes."
Serena and Emanuel exchanged a look, and a moment later, all the enforcers were heading for the front door. When it closed behind them, I continued to stare at it.
I hadn't actually expected that to work.
But I heaved a sigh of relief. Now the only sounds I heard were coming from Nora and my daughters. I smiled and walked over to them, giving the pups a hug before saying, "May I help?"
The puzzle was nearly completed. Nora and I helped the girls with the last few pieces.
"What a pretty picture," I said when they were done. "Good job, girls!" I hugged and kissed them both again, receiving sloppy kisses in return.
"Nora, do you have plans Friday night?"
"Yes, Alpha. I have a play date with my two favorite girls in the world!" She ruffled the nearest head. "I have a somewhat more adult date Saturday night though."
"We want to go on a date!" Celeste said. "May we go with you, Nora?"
"I'm sorry, darlings," I said, "but Mommy Wolf and I have other plans for Saturday. You're stuck with your parents."
They surprised me. I received a stern look from Rebecca, but then she said, "Are we going running now?"
"We are, indeed!" I said. "Let's get furry!"
I didn't have to suggest it twice. Both girls jumped from their chairs and were in fur seconds later. Nora and I bent down and helped them slither out of their clothes then folded the apparel and set it aside. The two of them took turns chasing each other around the living room.
I frequently disrobed in the same way, but this time I stripped before shifting, folding my own clothes and setting them with the girls'. "Will you get the door?" I asked Nora. I flowed into my own fur and was waiting at the door by the time Nora arrived. I barked twice.
The pups had long learned not to rush out the door ahead of me. Instead, they bounded over to me then followed me out. Nora closed the door behind me.
