Fading

by E. K. Blair

  "Did I wake you?" he whispers.

  "Yeah, but it's okay," I mumble quietly. "What time is it?"

  "Around two. You passed out, so I carried you in here and hung out with Kimber for a while longer."

  "Is she asleep?"

  "Yeah, and snoring like a beast." We both laugh quietly at his words.

  I roll over in his arms to face him in the dark, even though we can't see each other. I lay my head on his chest, and he wraps one arm around my waist and the other cups the back of my head.

  "So, why did your trip really suck? I know something's bothering you."

  Jase lets out a long sigh before saying, "I told them."

  I wrap my arms tighter around him. "What did they say?"

  "They threw me out."

  My heart breaks and a quiet tear escapes my eye and rolls onto his bare chest.

  "I'm so sorry. Why didn't you call me?"

  "I don't know. I was embarrassed, I guess. I haven't told anyone what happened. I don't want the pity."

  "You know I don't pity you, right?"

  "Yeah," he whispers and kisses the top of my head.

  "I'm sad because I love you. When your heart hurts, so does mine. Your pain is my pain."

  We lie there together holding each other as my heart breaks to sync up with his already broken one. I love Jase. He's my best friend. We have a deep connection that runs through us and links us together. He has had a lot of pain in his life. He had a sister that was two years older than him. They were extremely close, but she died in a car crash the night of her senior prom. His parents still refuse to touch her room, like they are expecting her to come home one day.

  Jase was extremely confused with his sexuality in high school. He said he didn't want to be gay and figured if he just slept with enough girls, maybe he would start to feel differently. So he slept around. A lot. He told me that growing up, he felt trapped as if he was living a lie—silently suffering on the inside as he held on to his secret. Until he came to college, no one ever knew he was gay. I'm happy he finally told his parents though. He needed to free himself of the secret he had been keeping from them. I hate that they turned their backs on their own son and would just toss him out of their home like he didn't even matter to them.

  "You know this is your home, don't you? Right here with me. Kimber and I are your home. And we don't give a shit that you like guys."

  Jase kisses the top of my head, and I grip my arms tighter around him.

  "Jase?" I whisper.

  "Yeah, sweetie?"

  "I love you."

  "I love you, too."

  I wake up to the smell of bacon and coffee. "Thank God." I roll out of bed and make my way to the kitchen where Jase is cooking breakfast. Just another reason why I love him so much: he loves to cook, and I love to eat.

  "Hey, lovely," he says to me over his shoulder as I pad into the kitchen.

  I walk over to the stove where he is scrambling some eggs, and I lift up on my toes to kiss him on the cheek. "Morning," I say, then stroll over to grab a mug, and I begin to pour myself a cup of coffee. "What time did you wake up?"

  "Early. I didn't get much sleep. Couldn't seem to clear my head."

  I lean back against the counter and give him a side stare. It kills me that he's hurting so much. He peeks up at me and catches me staring.

  "Don't."

  "Don't what?"

  He continues to whisk the eggs, "Don't look at me like that."

  "I'm not. I'm sorry," I say as I walk over to sit at the bar. "So, what are you up to today?"

  He turns around, dumps a portion of the eggs onto a plate, and takes several slices of bacon before setting it down in front of me.

  "Not much. I need to pick up my books for my classes, and then I was going to hit the gym for a couple of hours. What about you?" Jase sets his plate on the bar and sits down next to me.

  "Work," I say as I take a bite of my bacon. "I have to work all week. I also need to go up to the studio to get in some solo time before classes start."

  We continue to eat in silence for a few minutes. When I finish my breakfast, I look up at him and tease, "My ass thanks you for the bacon." Winking at him, I walk around to the other side of the bar and rinse off my plate.

  "God, you guys are up early," Kimber says as she walks into the kitchen with her eyes squinted as if the morning light is too much for her to bear.

  "It's nine. Hardly early, Kim," I say sarcastically.

  She grabs the box of Lucky Charms and pours herself a bowl, barely opening her eyes to do so, then sits on the barstool next to Jase. He stares at her with a smirk.

  "Whaa?" she says with a mouthful of milk and a magical leprechaun concoction of cereal and marshmallows.

  "You have this kickass kitchen to cook in, but you continue to eat like a six-year-old kid," he says, shaking his head and laughing.

  "This shit's good," she says, using her spoon to point and emphasize her beloved breakfast cereal.

  Jase and I laugh at her. I walk over and pour myself another cup of coffee before heading to my room.

  "I'm going to hit the shower and get ready for work. I'll see you guys later."

  "See ya," they both say in unison.

  The weather is oddly nice today, so after I'm dressed, I decide that I will just walk to work. I've been working at Common Grounds, a local coffee house right off campus, for the past two years. I don't need the job for the money; I just like having the responsibility.

  I pull out my phone as I walk to check my messages, and I notice I have a missed call and voicemail from my mother. Already annoyed, I go ahead and listen to her message.

  Candace, I was hoping to hear all about your date with that young man from the club. I surely hope you didn't already screw this one up. It's your senior year and you should be taking your future seriously. I just heard Maggie's daughter got engaged to the Garrison's son. Well, anyways, I have a lunch date with the ladies, so I need to go. Please, call me back.

  Deleting the message, I drop the phone into my bag. Of course she would think anything that didn't work out to her liking would be my fault. She's so unbelievable. I only wish I could have a decent relationship with her, with both of my parents, really. I know I shouldn't have those expectations, but I can't help hoping, that maybe one of these days things will change.

  When I arrive, I am greeted with the familiar aroma of freshly ground coffee and muffins. I love working here. Everyone is really nice and my boss, Roxy, is great. She's in her early thirties and is extremely eccentric, with long, choppy colorful hair—purple this week— a pierced nose, and tattoos. She's always there for me when I need solid advice.

  Roxy is working the espresso machine as I round the counter to grab my apron. I tie it on as she finishes with her customer.

  "Is it just us this afternoon?" I ask as she is handing the customer his change.

  Walking over to me, she sits down on a stool. "Yep. Brandon had to take care of some issue with his scholarship. But it's been pretty dead so far."

  I pull up a stool and sit beside her.

  "How was breakfast with your parents the other day?"

  "You know, just the same old crap. Nothing ever changes. I don't understand my mother and why she just can't be happy for me. I keep holding on to the hope that she'll change, but I'm starting to get tired. If it wasn't for my father, I would probably never even see her." I look away from Roxy and focus on my hands. "God, that sounds horrible, huh?"

  "No, hun, that sounds honest. Don't apologize for your feelings. You're allowed to be angry with her." Roxy stands up and walks back over to the espresso machine to make herself a drink. Talking over the loud grinding and hissing she asks, "So, did you do anything fun last night?"

  "I kinda had a date," I said, peeking at her over my shoulder.

  "Oh, yeah? How did that go?" She walks back over to her stool, sits down, and takes a slow sip of her drink.

  "Fine, I guess. We just grabbed a couple of drinks. He said he
wants to hang out again, which I guess would be okay. I mean, I might as well enjoy another date before the quarter starts and I get too busy."

  Roxy shakes her head at me. "You take life too seriously, you know? You need to let loose and have some fun. You're never going to get this time back, Candace. Just enjoy it. Be young and carefree."

  I know she makes a good point. I tend to have a hard time letting myself be free. I mean, I go to the occasional party with Kimber, and I go out on dates here and there, but mostly, I'm dancing, studying, working, or hanging out with Jase. I've been in college for three years, and I have yet to do anything crazy. Roxy is right; I'll never get this time back. After this year, I'm going to be focused on my dancing and trying to make it into a career. I need to relax and not take life so seriously all the time.

  "Yeah," I sigh. I stare out at the front of the shop that is covered in floor to ceiling windows. I breathe in a deep breath and say, "Maybe you're right."

  "I know I'm right. Every school year you get sucked into your classes and dance. You keep yourself so busy. Let go. Just for a moment—let go. Be a little spontaneous."

  I stare her straight in the eyes.

  "Just try," she says.

  I'm not sure what it is about today that makes me actually listen to what she is saying. Maybe it's the fact that I am still irritated with my mother's crude voicemail. I've heard it all before, but this time, I feel it seeping into me. Roxy is right. What the hell was I doing? Kimber is always out having the time of her life while I have my head buried in books. I'm always striving to be perfect, but I know I will never be that in my mother's eyes. I try to do my best in school and with dance. Maybe if she sees how others look at me, she might start to appreciate me. She might even start to like me. Screw it.

  "Let's go next door," I say as my lips start to turn up into a grin.

  "Huh?"

  "Come on. It's dead in here. Let's close up for an hour." I hop down from my stool and start taking off my apron.

  Roxy gets an approving look on her face and smiles. "Hell yeah! No way I'm gonna give you even a second to back down. Let's go."

  Next door to the coffee shop is the tattoo parlor that Roxy's boyfriend works at. We both yank off our aprons, and Roxy locks up.

  The buzzing of tattoo guns fills the shop. The walls are painted black, and they are covered in tattoo flash. I don't even look because I already know what I want. I have thought about getting a tattoo in the past but was always too scared.

  "Hey, Rox," Jared says as he walks up to the counter. "What are you guys doing here?"

  Jared and Roxy have only been dating for a few months, but they are head over heels for each other.

  "Candace wants to get a tattoo, and I need you to do it fast before she chickens out."

  "I'm not going to back out," I say to her.

  Jared looks at me surprised. "A tattoo, huh? Well, you're in luck. My next appointment isn't for another hour." Jared comes around the counter, takes my hand, and walks me back to his station. I hop up onto the table and he asks, "So, what are you wanting?"

  Clasping my hands together nervously, I look down at him. "I'd like a tiny heart on my lower hip."

  "Easy enough. Just lay down and relax while I get everything set up."

  As I lie on the table, I suddenly get nervous wondering if it's going to hurt. I close my eyes and try to relax. Taking a few deep breaths, I feel Roxy grab ahold of my hand. I open my eyes and look at her.

  "I can tell you're freaking out," she says.

  "Just a bit. Does it hurt?" I ask as I eye the tattoos on her arms.

  "Nah," Jared says as he wheels over to me on his stool. "Unbutton and pull down your pants a little."

  Nervously, I do as he says.

  "You ready?" he asks.

  I look at Roxy as she gives me a reassuring look that reminds me of the conversation we had a few minutes ago. I want to do this. I need to do this.

  "Absolutely," I say.

  I feel Jared's fingers press down on my hip as the gun starts buzzing. The pricking of the needle stings slightly on the sensitive area, and I pinch my eyes shut.

  "You doing okay?" Jared asks me.

  Opening my eyes as I start to numb to the sensation, I look down at him. "Yeah, it's actually not as bad as I thought."

  "Well, I'm just about done."

  "Really?!" I say, surprised at how fast it was.

  Roxy lets out a soft laugh, "Candace, It's just a tiny-ass heart. How long did you think it was going to take?"

  "Done," he says and he rolls away on his stool to grab a mirror and then rolls back. He hands it to me, and I hold it up, staring at the reflection of my new tattoo. It's a simple black outline of a heart. Small and discreet.

  "I love it, Jared. Thank you."

  He rubs on a glob of cool ointment and adheres a bandage over it. I grab his hand as he helps me sit up.

  "Here," he says and hands me a sheet of paper. "This will tell you how to care for the tat as it heals. If you notice anything unusual going on, call me."

  I nod and tell him, "Will do. Thanks again."

  Roxy grabs Jared around his waist to give him a hug. "Come over later?"

  "Yeah, I get out of here around six," he says before leaning down to kiss her. "See you girls later."

  "Bye," we both say as we head back over to the coffee shop.

  Holy shit! I cannot believe I just got a tattoo. My act of rebellion is thrilling, and I like the energy that flows through me. I could get used to this excitement.

  "I still can't believe you got a tattoo, and I'm still pissed that you did it without me," Kimber says.

  "Honestly, it was a spur of the moment thing," I say as I sit on the floor and unpack my dance bag. I have been living in the studio for the past few days. Classes are about to start, and I want to make sure I'm prepared and on top of my game. Kimber had been upset when I told her about my rare act of rebellion, but she's since calmed down.

  "I am so excited that you are coming out with us tomorrow. I'm not sure what has gotten into you, but I like it," she says as she sits on my bed and watches me as I rub baby powder into my pointe shoes and hang them on a hook in my closet to air dry.

  I start stripping off my sweaty clothes. "I don't know. Roxy just finally got through to me, I guess. She's right; it's time to start having a little bit of fun."

  I hear my phone chime, and I walk over to my desk to read a new text.

  "Who's that?" Kimber asks.

  "It's from Jack. I haven't heard from him since we went out last Friday."

  Kimber jumps off the bed and is quickly hanging over my shoulder to read his message.

  Got plans tomorrow night?

  For some reason Thursday nights are big nights to go out around here. The bars and clubs are always packed.

  "You should ask him to come with us," she says as she smacks my bottom and walks out of my room.

  I sit down at my desk and text him back.

  Going dancing at Remedy with some friends. You should come!

  Remedy huh? What time?

  Around 10:30.

  Meet you there?

  Yeah. See you then.

  I hop up from my chair, excited about seeing him tomorrow, and throw on some clothes. I make my way to the kitchen to fix a salad. While I'm chopping some veggies, my phone begins to ring. I pick it up to see that it's my mother. Crap.

  "Hey, Mom."

  "Hi, darling. Look, there is a banquet this Saturday, and I am being recognized for my contributions to the Children's Foundation. I need you to be there," she demands.

  I know she only wants me to attend for appearance's sake. One supportive, happy family. It's such a lie.

  "I can't, Mom. I have to work that night."

  "Well, take off," she says as if it's no big deal.

  "I can't ask off work three days in advance. It doesn't work that way." I get so annoyed by her lack of consideration.

  "Christ, Candace," she barks at me. "This is importan
t. I don't even know why you have that little job."

  "I like working, Mom. I'm sorry, but I just can't go," I say in the softest tone I can manage because I know she's about to flip. This is so typical of her.

  "I swear, I don't know how to deal with you. You are such a selfish little girl. Here you are, playing around in college on your father's dime, and you can't even choose a respectable major. It's quite embarrassing. Then, when I ask you to do something to support me, you blow me off for some trivial job you don't even need. Where is your loyalty to this family?"

  My face heats and I slam the knife down on the hard granite countertop. "Support you? You always want me to support you, Mother. What about supporting me? Shit, Mom, you have never once attended any of my shows. I work my ass off. You have no clue what it is I am doing here. I'm sick of this shit. I'm never going to be good enough, am I? What do you want from me? Please, just tell me so I know exactly what I need to do to make you fuckin' like me!" Disconnecting the call, I throw the phone across the counter. I am beyond pissed. My heart is racing, and I try to slow my breathing so I can calm down.

  "What's with the screaming?" Kimber asks softly, knowing I rarely ever lose my temper.

  My eyes begin to sting, and when I turn around to look at her, the tears start to fall. I feel so hopeless. I've fought with my mother my whole life, and I have no idea why she is the way that she is. She knows exactly what to say to me to set me off. I know it's only a matter of time before my dad calls to smooth things over and make excuses for her.

  Kimber walks over and wraps her arms around me. "What happened?"

  I let go of Kimber and wipe my face with the backs of my hands. "My mother. She went on another one of her tirades and thought it would be fun to belittle me. She just set me off, and I couldn't hold it in."

  "Want to tell me about it?"

  "Not really. I think I'll just take a quick shower and call it a night."

  "You sure?" she questions me with concern.