Fading

by E. K. Blair

  "Come in," I say as I hit send and close the lid to my laptop.

  Kimber opens my door and asks, "Can I come in?"

  "Umm, yeah."

  She walks in and takes a seat on the end of my bed, and I turn my chair around to face her, when she says, "I need to talk to you about after graduation."

  I have hardly spoken to Kimber in months, so sitting here with her in my room makes me a little nervous.

  "Okay."

  "Well, I didn't know what your plans were."

  "My only plan is to try and find a job. I've always had my heart set on New York, but I will go wherever I get an offer from. Why?"

  "I was thinking that it might not be a good idea if you lived here after we graduate."

  "Oh." I feel a lump forming in my throat and I want to cry, but I don't. We used to be so close, like sisters, and now she wants me out. How could I let things get this bad between us where she doesn't want me here?

  "It's hard having you around and us not talking. I just don't feel like we are even friends anymore. It's been five months, Candace."

  "I don't know what to say."

  "I wish you would just talk to me. But, honestly, I don't even know if it would do any good at this point. I don't want to continue walking around here with this tension every day."

  "Okay," I say. I'm hurt and pissed at myself for causing this fracture between us and now I wonder if this is even fixable.

  Neither one of us says anything else, and it's only when she leaves that I begin to cry. When I pick up the phone to call Jase, it starts ringing in my hand. Being upset, I answer it without looking to see who is calling.

  "Hello," I choke out.

  "Jesus, what's wrong?"

  When I hear Ryan's voice I start babbling. "Kimber asked me to move out. She doesn't want me here. She doesn't feel like we're friends anymore. She'd rather I went somewhere else, and I don't know if I can fix this."

  "Breathe, babe. I'm in my car heading to the gym. I'm right by your house. I'll be right there."

  "Okay," I say before hanging up.

  When Ryan arrives, we go back to my room. Sitting on the bed with his back against the headboard, he holds me in his arms as I curl up beside him, still upset.

  "So, what happened?" he asks as he starts threading his fingers through my hair.

  "What I told you. That's all that she said. I didn't say anything because, you know me, I just shut down."

  "What the hell happened between you two anyway?"

  Shit! What do I say?

  Thinking quickly, I tell him the truth, but leave out what I can't have him know.

  "At the beginning of the school year, I stayed with Jase at his place for a while and Kimber thought I was avoiding her for some reason. But she didn't believe me when I told her it had nothing to do with her. So we got into a fight and she called me a liar. That was it. We've literally been avoiding each other ever since, and now so much time has passed that we're barely friends anymore."

  "I don't understand you chicks, but I hate to see you so upset over this."

  "I just miss her. We used to be close like sisters."

  "Can't you just tell her that?"

  "It won't do any good," I say.

  "You know you can always stay with me."

  "Yeah, I know."

  Ever since Ryan told me he loved me a couple weeks ago, I have been more comfortable talking to him and opening up more. But I have yet to tell him I love him. Something about being that vulnerable still daunts me. He told me he knows I love him and to not worry about the words. I know I'm getting there; it's just taking a little while.

  Quickly changing the topic he says, "Come to the gym with me."

  I sit up and look at him bemused. "What?"

  "Yeah, come with me. We haven't been running much because of your deranged fear of breaking your legs. You can ride the bikes, or if you're feeling risky, run on the treadmill," he jokes with me.

  Smacking him in the arm, I say, "Stop laughing at me. And it isn't deranged. Seriously, what if I broke my leg before this audition? It would ruin everything."

  Raising his hands in defense, he says dramatically, "I know. You've been telling me this all week."

  Needing to get him off my back, I say, "Fine. I'll go ride the bikes. Let me go change."

  When I walk out of the bathroom, Ryan is standing there waiting for me. Bending down, he scoops me up, over his shoulder and playfully grabs my ass. I can't control my laughter as he hauls me through my house. I return the favor and grab onto his ass as he carries me out to his jeep. When he sets me down, I have to grab hold of his arms until the dizziness subsides. He opens my door and helps me up into the car before leaning in and kissing me.

  When we arrive at the gym, I make my way over to the cardio machines and Ryan follows closely behind.

  "What are you doing?" I say as I turn around to face him.

  "Your ass looks hot in those tight pants," he says with a wicked smirk.

  I roll my eyes and before I can turn around, he grabs me by said ass and pulls me against him. Swatting his hands away, he laughs as I make my way over and sit my ass on a bike.

  "Now what the hell am I supposed to look at?" he complains.

  "Go lift your weights and stop harassing the gym's clientele."

  I spend the next half hour riding the bike and then decide to run on the treadmill. At least there's a bar I can grab onto if I fall. Ryan has been getting a kick out of teasing me about my fear of breaking anything that has to do with my legs.

  I increase the incline and set the speed for a quick-paced run. I scan the gym until I spot Ryan by the free-weights. He's lying on the incline bench doing sets of chest presses. While he's focused on his workout, I take a moment to ogle over his muscular body. When his eyes flick to mine and he catches me gawking, he gives me an egotistical grin, which I shake my head at.

  We spend the next hour going back and forth like this, although I catch him a lot more than he catches me. Walking across the gym, he stands in front of my treadmill, leaning against it while I continue to run.

  "You trying to kill yourself?"

  "No," I say breathlessly, "Just building endurance."

  His cocky grin returns, and when I side-step off the tether, I smack him and clarify, "Not for that! For dancing, you perv."

  I take his hand as he helps me off the machine, and we walk over to grab some water. I drain my bottle quickly and toss it in the trash. After I towel off my face and neck, we head outside, and I welcome the cold drizzle that's falling.

  On the drive back to my place, Ryan mentions the party that Gavin is throwing this weekend. Wondering if I still wanted to go, he assures me it'll be a small crowd, so I tell him yes.

  We've hung out with Gavin several times in the past few weeks. He has since apologized to me for making that comment to me at Ryan's loft. I could tell he felt bad about it, so I brushed it off. He's very crass with his words, but he's really funny at the same time. The party, if nothing else, will at least be amusing with him there.

  Walking into Gavin's house, Ryan is greeted by several people. Keeping a firm grip on my hand, he introduces me to a few guys before Gavin walks up and throws his arm around me.

  "It's about time you guys showed up. Help yourself to whatever is in the kitchen."

  "Hey, Gav."

  "Hey, gorgeous. I can't believe you haven't left this ass-hat for me yet."

  "If it weren't for your delicate language, I might consider it."

  "Leave her alone," Ryan says as he pulls me away and into the kitchen to grab a couple of beers.

  As he's opening my bottle, I notice a tall blonde eying him. When he hands me my bottle, he leans down and gives me a chaste kiss then leads me back to the living room. We sit on the couch and Ryan begins chatting with two guys that he knows. I sip on my beer and only catch bits and pieces of their conversation. I like that he never takes his hand off of my knee while talking to them; that he's always so aware of me.

/>   I scan the room and spot Gavin who is talking with the blonde I saw in the kitchen. Her hair is long, about the length of mine. She wears her makeup in a sultry way, opposite of my simple mascara and lip-gloss.

  When both she and Gavin turn their heads and look at me, I immediately shift my eyes to Ryan. Looking back at me, he squeezes my knee, and Gavin flops down next to me.

  "What's up?"

  "Were you talking about me?"

  "God you're paranoid," he teases and nudges my leg.

  "I'm gonna go get another drink." Scooting forward on the couch, I ask Ryan if he wants another beer.

  "Yeah, babe. Thanks."

  I grab his empty bottle and make my way into the kitchen, tossing them into the trash. Opening the fridge, I grab two more and when I turn around, the tall blonde is standing next to me.

  "Hi, I'm Gina," she says politely and holds out her hand.

  Sticking one of the bottles under my arm, I reach out my now free hand to shake hers.

  "I'm a good friend of Gavin and Ryan."

  "Oh. I'm Candace."

  "They've never mentioned you before."

  "I just met Gavin a few weeks ago," I say.

  "So are you and Ryan...?"

  "What?" I question, not quite sure what she is trying to ask me.

  A grin begins to spread across her face when she leans in and says, "He's good, isn't he?"

  I back away from her face and say, "Excuse me?"

  "Oh, come on. Everyone knows what he's like."

  What the hell is this girl's deal? Did he sleep with her? Thoughts start flooding my mind, and I just want to leave. Jealousy fills me when she says, "I'm a little surprised by you though. You don't seem to fit his type."

  "Excuse me," I say as I start to walk away. I don't know this girl, but I hate her nonetheless.

  "Oh my God. That's so cute," she says before I can get too much distance between us. When I turn around to look at her, she's laughing at me and says, "You think he loves you? Ryan doesn't know what that is. Trust me, I've been with him enough times to know that."

  I feel sick and fire rushes through my veins, and if I wasn't so small compared to her, I'd slap the shit out of her. I set the beers on the counter and turn around. Walking through the living room, I pass Ryan and snap at him, "Take me home," and then make my way outside. My hands are shaking as a multitude of emotions runs through me: jealousy, anger, embarrassment.

  "Candace," Ryan says as he rushes behind me.

  I turn around, angry, and shout at him, "Did you sleep with that girl in there? Gina?"

  He lets out a deep breath, and I shake my head and say, "Forget it. Just take me home."

  I open the door before he can open it for me and hop up onto the seat. It's one thing for me to hear about his past, but to have his past right there in my face, taunting me, is more than I can handle.

  When we start driving, Ryan finally speaks up. "I didn't know she was going to be there. When I saw her, I didn't want to say anything to draw attention."

  I don't respond. I'm too upset to respond, so I pull my knee up to my chest and shift my body toward the door, leaning the side of my head against the cold leather seat and stare out the window. I want to cry because I'm embarrassed and hurt, but I don't.

  "Candace, say something."

  I don't.

  To be honest, I'm upset with that girl, not Ryan. I know Ryan has been nothing but open with me, so I can't fault him for that. But, it doesn't make it any easier. I wonder if everyone in that house thought I was just another girl like Gina. I hate that thought.

  When he pulls into his driveway, I softly say without moving, eyes still looking out the window, "Ryan, I really just want to go home."

  He doesn't say anything when he gets out of the car and walks around to my side. Opening the door, he takes my hand and helps me out. I don't protest because I'm too tired to argue with him. We walk inside, and he takes me upstairs to his room.

  I stand in the doorway as he walks over to his dresser and starts pulling out clothes.

  "Ryan, what are you doing?"

  "You're not going home. Here," he says as he hands me a pair of his boxers and a t-shirt.

  I stand there for a moment and watch him as he begins to undress, then I turn to go to his bathroom and change myself. Realizing I don't have my pills, I call out for Ryan to bring me my purse.

  When he knocks on the door, I open it and thank him when he hands it to me. I quickly brush my teeth, and when I walk out, the lights are off, and Ryan is already in bed. He didn't pull the drapes shut, and the moon casts a muted light through the room.

  When I slide under the covers, Ryan instinctively pulls me in, facing him.

  "Talk to me," he says with a soft voice.

  "I'm sorry. I'm not mad at you, and I shouldn't have snapped at you. I just...I don't like feeling the way she made me feel. It's embarrassing."

  "She was nothing to me."

  "When did you...I mean...How long ago?"

  "August or so."

  I sigh and close my eyes, not wanting to talk about this or think about this anymore.

  Brushing my hair back with his hands, he tells me, "They were only there to distract me, but when I saw you, you faded everything I needed distracting from."

  Opening my eyes, I look up at him and ask, "Did you love any of them?"

  "No."

  Hesitantly, "Do you love me?"

  "I've only ever loved you."

  He rolls on top of me, staring down into my eyes. I pull him down, and I kiss him with an intensity I haven't felt before. Crushing his lips with mine, tasting each other, and feeling each other, I grab his hair, keeping him close to me. He trails his hand down the center of my sternum, between my breasts, over my stomach, and when he reaches the hem of my shirt, I feel the heat of his hand as he slides it up, making my body shudder beneath his. When he cups me in his hand and squeezes, my body bows up to him, and he lets out a deep moan.

  "God, I want you," he whispers.

  Sitting back on his heels, he pulls me up to him. He reaches down and slowly begins lifting up my top. Raising my arms up, he peels the cloth off of me and tosses it on the floor. He takes his hands and slides them down my sides. "Babe..."

  He lays me back down and grazes his lips down my neck and over the thin lace of my bra. I hold tightly onto the sides of his head when he covers my nipple with his mouth and drags his tongue across the fabric. I begin to feel the anxiety build inside my stomach. I can't do this.

  When he hooks his fingers under the waistband of my shorts, I clench my eyes tightly shut, panic coursing through me. I choke back a silent sob, and when I open my eyes to stop him, I see a pained look on his face. He's sitting back and slowly brushing his thumb over my tattoo, staring at it intently. His touch is jittery on my skin, and when his eyes shift to mine, I can't take the panic that is still coursing through my body.

  I quickly shift up to my knees and throw my arms around his neck, just needing to feel safe in his hold. It takes him a while, but he eventually wraps his arms slowly, almost hesitantly, around me. I grip him tightly, trying hard to not freak out in front of him, and I notice his body trembling under my arms. I don't say anything because I am still so consumed with anxiety and wondering if he can tell how scared I just got when he touched me like he did.

  Silently freaking out, neither one of us moves. We cling to each other and let time pass.

  Eventually, I feel my heart slow, and I begin to soften in his arms.

  "Candace."

  "Please, don't say anything."

  And he doesn't as he lies us down and pulls the covers over us.

  When we wake up the next morning, Ryan is really quiet and seems tense. I notice his eyes are a bit bloodshot, and I ask him, "Did you not sleep last night?"

  "Not too much," he says while pouring me a cup of coffee to take with me before he drives me home.

  We've barely spoken this morning, and he hasn't been his usual affectionate self w
ith me. In fact, I feel like he's avoiding me. I'm feeling extremely self-conscious; not only because of what happened last night, but also the way he is acting today. I'm sure he's getting tired of me always pushing him away. From my run in with Gina last night, I can tell he's used to getting what he wants without having to wait.

  "You ready?" he asks.

  "Yeah." I'm surprised when he takes my hand as he walks me to his jeep.

  When he pulls up into my driveway and parks, I turn to him and say, "I'm sorry about last night, and I get that you're mad, but—"

  "What?" he interrupts. "Why would I be mad?"

  Suddenly feeling very unsure of the situation, I say, "Because I keep pushing you away. You've hardly said two words to me this morning. So, I just figured..."

  He turns away from me and gets out of the car. I watch him, confused, as he walks around to my side and opens the door. He reaches over me and unclicks my seatbelt, turning me toward him.

  "Everything you give me is perfect. You have to stop feeling like this. I'm here with you, and I'm not going anywhere." He leans in to kiss me, and his words bring me relief. "I'm sorry if I've been a dick, I just didn't get much sleep."

  "It's okay. I overreacted."

  Helping me out of the car, he kisses me again before leaving.

  When I walk inside, Kimber is studying on the couch, and I've never felt more awkward around her since she asked me to move out.

  "Who was that?" she asks as I walk across the room.

  Turning to her, I ask, "Who?"

  "That guy you just kissed in the driveway. I wasn't spying or anything, but you're right outside the window."

  I look out the large bay window then back at her. She looks sad when I say, "Oh, um, his name's Ryan."

  "You dating?"

  "Yeah," I say, and I can tell that she is upset. I'm guessing it's the same sadness I felt when I found out about her and Seth. I want to talk to her, to tell her all about him and how great he is, but I can't. We aren't like that anymore, and I know she's hurting more than me as each day we grow more distant.

  "Well, I have to go get ready for school," I softly say and then walk out of the room.