Fading

by E. K. Blair

  When our breathing slows, he lifts his head, and brushes my hair back. I can feel the tears roll down my temples.

  "God, baby, what's wrong?" he asks, as he brushes my tears away with his thumb.

  I shake my head to let him know I'm okay. When I'm finally able to speak, I hand my heart over to him and bare, "Being with you...that's all I want."

  Dropping his head to mine, he confesses softly, "You're the only one I've ever done that with. You're the only one I've ever made love to."

  And with that, I pull his lips back to mine.

  Waking up, I am wrapped up in Ryan. Last night was incredible, being with Ryan in a way I never thought I could. I gave him all of me and have left myself entirely vulnerable to him. When he tells me he will never leave me, I believe him.

  I gently ease my way out of his hold, careful not to wake him. I find my clothes that are strewn across the floor and quickly slide them on before walking to the bathroom. Brushing my teeth, I notice a necklace on the counter between the two sinks as I rinse the toothpaste out of my mouth. When I turn off the faucet, I pick up the thin, delicate silver chain that has a flat bar that horizontally connects the chain together. I see that the bar is etched with tiny letters that scribe: And though she be but little, she is fierce.

  He had to have lain this here last night after I feel asleep, because I would have noticed it yesterday. Carrying the necklace in my hand, I open the door and see Ryan awake in bed.

  He smiles at me when I hold up the necklace. "What's this?"

  "Well, it's definitely not a birthday gift, because that was two days ago."

  I can't help but laugh as I slip back into bed with him.

  "I love it," I say as I hand it to him so that he can clasp it around my neck.

  When he does, he crawls over me, forcing me down on my back. He drops soft kisses along my collarbone and back up my neck to my ear where he whispers, "Do you know how beautiful you are?"

  "Mmmm," I softy moan.

  "You were amazing last night."

  Tangling my hands in his messy hair, I enjoy the shivers he sends through my body as he licks and kisses me while peeling off my clothes.

  Last night was a first for me, and I know Ryan was being cautious, but lying here with him now, I am calm under his touch. I know he senses it, and when he removes my pants, he softly nips his way up my thigh. I watch as he makes his way up my stomach, and when he peeks up at me, I grab his face and pull him up to my lips.

  He must have already been awake when I woke up because I can taste the mint when I slide my tongue over his. When I graze my teeth across his lip, he pulls back and says, "All I want is you, every fuckin' piece."

  I melt into him and give him myself. We take our time now that my nerves are more settled and get to know each other in a whole new way. Ryan's lovemaking is slow and intent and when we can't hold on any longer, we lose ourselves entirely to each other.

  Being curled up with Ryan in his sheets, I've never felt more secure. Folded up in his arms, we stay in bed for the rest of the morning.

  Ryan went into work this afternoon to take care of some things so that he could stay home tonight. While he's gone, I drive over to Jase's place to hang out for a while. I know I need to tell him everything that's happened since seeing him the other night. When I get there, Mark is there too.

  "Hey, what's up?" Jase says from the kitchen.

  "Not much. I'm so glad you're home. Ryan had to go into work for a few hours, and I had nothing to do."

  "Is he not working tonight?" Mark asks.

  "No, he's taking the night off to hang out at the loft."

  "So...?" Jase hints.

  "What?"

  "You never called. Did you get the solo?"

  "Oh! God, I'm sorry I forgot to call. Yes, I got it!"

  "That's awesome!" Mark says, and when Jase walks in the living room with beers for all of us, he sets them on the coffee table before giving me a hug. "Congratulations, sweetie."

  "Thanks."

  "Is Ryan's mom still in town?" Mark asks, and then takes a swig of his beer.

  "No, she left yesterday. But hey, I have to tell you something, but you can't embarrass me and get all crazy, okay?"

  "Shit, this sounds good," Mark teases, and when I eye him, he says, "Sorry."

  "Promise. We both do," Jase says.

  "Okay, so last night..."

  "Holy shit! I knew it!" Jase yells.

  "What?" Mark and I ask in unison.

  "Oh, come on. It's written all over her face," he says to Mark while gesturing to me with his hand.

  Mark looks at me and gets a wicked grin on his face.

  "What did I just say about embarrassing me?"

  "Candace, you're always getting embarrassed. Spill it," Mark says with a hint of laughter.

  "Seriously, guys."

  "Okay, serious," Jase affirms. "I had no idea you were even thinking about going there."

  "Well, yeah. I mean, we love each other and I've been wanting to, but I've always been too scared. It's not like I've had anything good to associate with sex."

  "So, how do you feel about it now?" Jase asks.

  "Happy. He's what I've been missing my whole life."

  Leaning in, Jase hugs me and whispers, "He's lucky to have you."

  "Thanks."

  "So what kind of lover is he?" Mark asks with gossipy intent.

  "Mark!" I say in shock. "I'm not telling you."

  Jase starts to laugh and when I narrow my eyes at him, he defends, "What? You know that Mark thinks Ryan is hot. He's not gonna stop asking."

  Mark shrugs his shoulders, laughing. "Gross," I say to him.

  "Why's that gross?"

  "Cause he's my boyfriend."

  "So! I let you sleep with my boyfriend," he says, tipping his head at me and lifting an eyebrow.

  "That's different," I argue.

  "Candace, it's not that different," Jase chuckles.

  "Aren't you supposed to be on my side?"

  Jase and Mark laugh at my childish remark, and I give them an equally childish eye roll.

  The three of us continue our playful bickering and hang out for a couple of hours. I never reveal anything to Mark even though he keeps pestering me. Jase, being as levelheaded as he is, just laughs at Mark's crooked curiosity.

  When I get back to the loft, Ryan still isn't home, so I decide to get some schoolwork done. I have two exams next week before the end of the quarter that I need to prepare for. Spreading out my books and notes on the coffee table, I make myself comfortable on the couch. I lose track of time as I flip through my books and study some of the dance terminology that I need to know for one of my classes.

  When I notice the grey, misty sky beginning to darken as the sun sets behind the clouds, I wonder why Ryan isn't home yet. Picking up my phone, I call him and he sounds stressed when he answers.

  "Babe, hey."

  "Hey, I didn't think you were going to be working this late."

  "I wasn't, but one of our distributors stopped by today and notified me that we are now a COD contract. When I went back, I saw that Michael hadn't been paying the fucking invoices. So, I've been going through the back logs making sure there aren't any outstanding."

  "Have you found any?"

  "No, but this shit pisses me off. I need a manager who is more organized. This shit's a mess in his office."

  "I'm sorry."

  "It's fine. Just been a long day. I'm about to pack up and leave."

  "Have you eaten anything yet?"

  "Yeah, I had one of the bar girls run out and pick up some food."

  "Okay, well, I'll see you in a bit."

  "Love you."

  "Love you too."

  When Ryan gets home about a half hour later, we decide to camp out downstairs and watch a movie. We change into our pajamas and Ryan pours me a glass of wine then gets himself a beer. Moving the coffee table out of the way, Ryan lights the fireplace while I throw a pile of blankets and pillows on the
floor.

  Wrapping up in the blankets together, Ryan puts on one of his old black and white movies, and I can't help but smile in amusement when he does.

  "What? You wanna watch something else?"

  "No," I say and I settle my head on his chest, getting comfortable. "I love watching these with you."

  "I thought you hated them. You're always making fun of me."

  "I know, but secretly, I've always loved it."

  Kissing the top of my head, he wraps his arms around me as we watch 'Out of the Past.'

  About halfway through the movie, I remember that I need to run upstairs and take my sleeping pill. When I return to Ryan, I curl in beside him and he rolls over to face me.

  "I need to run into work tomorrow and sign off on a few things Michael is redoing tonight."

  "Okay."

  "I was thinking you could come with me."

  "Ryan..." The last time I went there I totally panicked. The last thing I want to do is go back just to be reminded of what happened.

  "I know, but I hate that you can't come up there to see me. I mean...it's where I work, babe."

  "I understand what you're trying to say, but I just...I can't."

  "I know, I just think if you tried...we can go in the morning, before we open. You and me. We'll park in the front."

  Letting out a deep breath, I close my eyes. I want to be able to go up there and see Ryan. I'd love to hang out with him and his friends and see where he works. And it bothers me that I've never seen Mark's band play. I'm just not sure if I'm ready to push myself that far yet. I know I can't avoid that place forever since Ryan owns that bar.

  He cups my cheeks with his hands and whispers, "If you're not ready, I get it. It was just a thought."

  I open my eyes and look up at him. "Ryan, it just takes me back farther than I want to go. There have been times I've wished that I would've just died that night."

  He releases a hard breath and tucks my head under his chin as he holds me.

  I know what he's trying to do, and a part of me loves that he pushes me and doesn't baby me. The fact that he thinks I'm strong enough to go there shows me that he views me in a way I want to truly be—strong. But another part of me is terrified to stir up those memories again. I love Ryan, and I know that he cares for me. I want to show him that I can push myself.

  "Okay," I whisper softly.

  "What, babe?"

  Pulling my head up, I say, "Okay, I'll try," when he looks at me.

  "Are you sure?"

  "No, but I'll try."

  Cradling my face in his hands, he says, "Do you have any idea how amazing you are?"

  "Ryan, I'm not saying I will. I'm only saying I'll try."

  "And that's all you need to do. The fact that you're even willing to is one of the reasons I love you so much. You're so unbelievably strong."

  Before I can deny his words, he captures my mouth with his.

  I'm a bundle of nerves as I drink my coffee and wait for Ryan to finish getting ready. I had agreed to make an effort to go with him to the bar this morning. The place doesn't open for a few hours, and he wants us to go when no one else is there.

  When he comes downstairs, he takes my hand and reassures me that all I have to do is say the word and we'll come back home. But I don't want to be that person. Ryan sees me in such a strong way. I wear his necklace that he gave me that is engraved with the word 'fierce.' He chose that Shakespearean quote for a reason. If he believes that about me, then maybe I should try to believe that about myself as well.

  My stomach is in knots as he drives, and I don't say a word. His hand is laced tightly with mine, and I turn cold when I see us approaching the building. He does as he promises and parks along the curb in front of the bar. I know there is no way I could handle being in the back lot with that dumpster.

  I'm lost in my thoughts and don't even notice that he's gotten out of the car until I turn to see that my door is open and Ryan is standing there with his hand on my knee.

  "Just try," he says as he takes my hand and helps me out of the car. I'm not familiar with the front of this building, so I don't find it terribly difficult to walk with him. I keep telling myself not to think about what is on the other side.

  When we get to the door, he takes his keys, unlocks the door, and opens it for me. When I step inside, I am surprised that the place looks completely different than what I had envisioned. The interior is dark and masculine. There is a huge rich mahogany bar that runs the length of one of the walls with exposed brick and wooden shelves that hold a variety of liquors. On the opposite wall there is a fairly large platform stage. Sleek leather bar stools flank the high top tables that are scattered throughout the place.

  I follow Ryan as he walks me down a small hallway that leads to stairs.

  "My office is up here," he tells me before he takes me up.

  Still holding my hand, we walk up the wooden stairs. When we reach the top he tells me he's going to get the papers from Michael's office. When we walk in, I instantly turn around and stumble into Ryan. Behind Michael's desk is a large window that looks over the back lot.

  "Babe?"

  "I want to go."

  Reaching around me, he picks up a folder from the desk and walks me out, shutting the door behind us. We walk into the office across the hall, and he tosses the folder onto his desk. I'm shaking when he turns to me, running his hands up and down my arms.

  "I'm sorry, I didn't think."

  I don't even need to explain what's got me startled, he just knows.

  Leaning against the edge of his desk, he pulls me between his legs and hugs me. I lay my head on his chest and listen to his heart while I focus on slowing mine down to match the rhythm of his. I don't speak because I'm trying not to get myself worked up.

  After a few moments, I look up and over Ryan's shoulder. His view is out the front of the building. I watch the mist collect on the glass and slowly trickle down.

  "You okay?"

  I nod my head and lean it back down on his chest, letting out a slow sigh.

  "I hate seeing that dumpster." His arms tighten around me, and I find myself continuing to talk. "It's weird because I also love it in a messed up way. It's all I had to focus on."

  "I'm so sorry."

  "When I dream about that night, it's always taken away from me. There's nothing to distract me."

  "I wish I knew his name," he says with spite.

  Ryan has asked me once to tell him who the guy was, but I refused. I know he'd only kill him if given the chance. It doesn't matter anyway; what's done is done, and it can't be fixed.

  When I look up at him, his jaw is tightly clenched. Sliding my hand along his jawbone, I lift up on my toes to reach his mouth and give him a soft kiss. I hate that he feels this way—helpless.

  He pulls me closer to him, and I feel him relax under my hand.

  "I'm glad you're here," he says when he breaks our kiss.

  "It isn't anything like I'd thought."

  "How's that?"

  "I don't know...I didn't expect it to be so nice." I chuckle, realizing how rude that just sounded.

  "Wow. Thanks, babe," he says, with mock annoyance.

  I smile up at him. "No, that's not what I meant. I like it. I should have known it would be nice like this by the way your loft is."

  "It's okay. Let me just sign these papers and we can go, all right?"

  "Okay."

  I watch him as he stands over his desk and finishes signing the orders. I'm relieved that I can be here and not be having a total freak out. Of course, we are here alone, which helps, but realizing that I can come here feels good. I don't fight the smile that starts to spread across my face. When Ryan sets his pen down and turns to look at me, he grins, and asks, "What?"

  "I thought this would've been a lot harder."

  "Thank you for doing this," he says as he runs his hands down my arms.

  "Thanks for pushing me."

  When we leave and get into his jeep, I kno
w I just did something huge. I did it, and I was okay. I've been avoiding this place for months, and it feels slightly empowering that I don't feel that same level of fear. It isn't completely gone, but it's a big step for me.

  "Why don't you come with me?"

  "Because I just rehearsed for an hour on top of my two-hour studio. I've also been getting painful cramps in my calves.

  "When did that start?"

  "This week. I upped my calcium and have been using Tiger's Balm, but I don't really want to put anymore strain on my legs right now."

  "Okay, well, I'll be back in a couple hours. I'm gonna run after I lift," he says as he's mixing his protein shake.

  "I'm going to go pop by Jase's while you're gone since I won't see him much during the break."

  He takes a gulp of his shake, sets it down on the kitchen counter, and brings me into his arms.

  "Text me when you're on your way back, so I can be here waiting for you," he says in a sexy low voice as he grabs my ass and sets me on the countertop.

  When he leans in to kiss me, I push against his chest. "Don't kiss me after drinking that crap."

  "What?" he says as he chuckles.

  "That stuff is nasty. I don't know how you can stand it."

  Laughing at me, he ignores my words and plants a big kiss on my mouth. I try to turn my head to the side when he kisses me, but his hold is tight, and my outburst of giggles makes me too weak to push him off. He tastes like chocolate dirt.

  "Ryan! Gross!"

  He releases me, takes a few steps back, all the while laughing, and then picks up his cup and chugs the rest of his shake.

  Wiping my mouth with the back of my hand, I jump off the counter and jab my finger in his ribs as I walk out of the kitchen.

  He follows behind and locks up as we head out to our cars.

  "See you later?" he asks as he opens my car door for me.

  "Yeah, I'll text you when I leave."

  "Love you, babe," he says before he leans in and nips me on my neck.

  "Love you, too." I slide into my car, and he shuts the door before I start backing out of the driveway.