Still Surviving

by A. M. Johnson

  “Excuse me?” Scott stood from the stool he’d been perched on most of the night. I was starting to think he might like me. He watched me like a hawk. As much as it fed my starved ego, I wasn’t sure dating a coworker was a great plan. The immense muscles in Scott’s forearms and biceps flexed as he curled his hands into fists. Shit.

  “Whoa cavemen… Seth, this is Scott, he works here. Scott, this is Seth, a good friend of mine. Let’s put our penises away and play nice. Shall we?” I smirked. Seth’s gray-blue eyes sparkled with humor.

  “Sure thing, Tiff.” Scott frowned as he walked back to his own station.

  “What the hell, Seth? Trying to get me fired in my first month?” My tone was playful.

  “No, but Sean—“

  “Scott.”

  “Whatever. The walking steroids ad was drooling all over you. I thought you needed my help.” Seth chuckled as he sat down on the padded table I used for my clients.

  I shook my head and grinned. “Are we feeling emotion? This one is called jealousy.”

  Seth’s smile dropped, his face as serious and flat as stone. “I don’t do jealous.”

  Immediately I felt awkward. Sometimes I forgot that the reason Seth’s mom left was because she was screwing around with his dad’s best friend. “Sorry… I didn’t mean—“

  “To play games? Isn’t that what all you girls do?” He stood, and the tendon in his jaw pulsed.

  My temper flared. “I was being a smart ass, Seth. I don’t play games.” I inhaled a deep breath and let my eyes fall to the floor. “I’m sorry, I was just joking. I don’t want to fight. It seems like forever since we’ve spoken. I—“

  “No… it’s all good. I’m being a dick. Maybe I just need to get—“

  “If you say laid, I swear to God I’ll rip your nuts off.” I glared into his steel eyes. He snickered, and it made it hard for me to stay mad at him.

  “You’re so feisty tonight. I was going to say I needed to get a tattoo. But maybe someone else needs to get laid?”

  It was a gut reaction; I had no power to stop myself. I punched him in the gut, and he began to laugh harder than I’d ever seen him laugh. “You’re a horrible person.” The words were sputtered through my own laughter.

  “She is finally figuring this out? I’m terrible, babe, and you know it.” His laughter died down and his smile softened. Seth reached out and moved a stray piece of my hair from my cheek. “I’m yours tonight, though, so you get to do whatever you want.” The touch of his thumb smoothed across my cheek as he placed the hair behind my ear.

  My lips parted involuntarily and the lids of my eyes closed as I tried to reign myself in. The air around me was warm and thick with his cologne. His scent was so unique. It smelled almost like incense, but with an underlying note of soap, Seth, and spice. He smelled like dry leaves. Whenever he was close I thought of autumn, and it was difficult to concentrate. My eyes fluttered open. Seth was staring at me like he wanted the world. I’d do anything to give it to him. “What did you have in mind?” My tone wavered as I struggled to keep myself together.

  “I’ve been thinking about getting a quote on my ribcage. Something to go along with the whole “Hell’s Gate” theme.

  I let the breath I had been holding spill from my lips. He was talking tattoos? Of course he was Tiffany, what did you think he was talking about? I had dared to hope. “What quote?”

  A shadow crossed Seth’s eyes. “’Hell is empty and all the devils are here.’”

  His blue eyes followed me as I gathered the needed equipment to get started on his tattoo. “Hmm. Shakespeare… I love it. Let’s do it.”

  “Yeah?”

  I nodded. “I think it’s perfect for the Hell’s Gate theme, Seth, really.” I had no doubt there was more to his tattoos than a love for Rodin. Seth had more issues than anyone really knew about. I just hoped that someday… just maybe… he’d let me in. If Seth could trust me enough to show me his darkest… then maybe I could show him mine. Seth didn’t hold the market on skeletons… not by a long shot.

  CHAPTER FIVE

  Seth

  THE SHOP WAS GETTING ready to close as Tiffany finished rubbing an ointment into my skin. I tried to ignore the pleasure it gave me that she was the one to permanently mark me with her needle, to have her touch cause pain and yet sooth at the same time. It was a new sensation, and it wasn’t something I wanted to crave. Tiffany was already starting to occupy my thoughts more than I wanted.

  “All done, I just have to clean up and then I’m heading home. You work in the morning?” she asked while I carefully pulled my sweater over my head to not disrupt the clear wrap over my ribs.

  Tiffany was busy putting away her equipment, throwing out the used ink, placing the sharps into the designated bin; she didn’t notice how my eyes consumed every lithe move. Tiffany reminded me of a ballet dancer. When I first started going to Blue, I used to love watching her serve customers. She made slinging drinks look elegant.

  “Yeah, I work. I actually have to be awake in five hours. Seven a.m. class.” I frowned and rolled my eyes. Why the hell did I do this to myself?

  She surprised me by laughing. “You’re crazy, you should be at home… sleeping.”

  “It’s hard to sleep when your roommate and his girlfriend screw like bunnies.”

  She giggled quietly. “That bad, huh?”

  “Yeah, it’s loud. I told Todd to tone that shit down, and he just looked at me like I was joking. I need my own place.” The scowl on my face must have been comical because Tiff attempted to suppress a giggle by biting her full bottom lip. She gave me a stunning, lopsided grin as she finished her cleanup. My pulse skipped; fuck, she was sexy.

  The white sweater she had on was just short enough it exposed a slice of her stomach. When she lifted her arms you could see the feminine black patterns and scrolls she had tattooed across her flat stomach. She was so tiny. But even though she was skinny, I could tell she was still soft. Somewhere in the recesses of my thoughts I was dying to touch her.

  Her breasts were small and perky, something I didn’t ever think I would want. But I enjoyed the notion that they would be just enough to fit in my mouth. She had a gentle curve to her hips, and her ass… well, that was flawless. My favorite thing about her was the lack of excess. Tiff was naturally pretty. She wore minimal make up, and her hair was her own color. One could argue that all her tats and piercings detracted from her beauty, but I saw it differently. Tiffany’s beauty hadn’t been diminished by the permanent artwork she had placed within her skin. If anything, it made her more attractive because she wore her soul on her sleeve. Literally.

  I wanted to know what all these pictures on her flesh meant. I wanted to know the story behind each piece. I exhaled loudly. My infatuation with this woman was out of control.

  “What’s up? You don’t have to wait for me you know. You can leave.” She laughed with annoyance.

  “I want to wait for you.” Besides, that guy Scott was waiting for her, too, and that shit wasn’t going to happen. It was somewhat a jealous thing. I was mature enough to admit that. But, there was something off about him, something that set me on edge. The way Scott watched her made me nervous. He wanted to own her; his oversized body matched his oversized hunger to dominate. There was no doubt in my mind this guy would attempt to stake his claim on Tiffany.

  “Really, though, I have another forty-five minutes. I need to clean the stations. It’s my night to close, and Scott has to show me how to count the till down.”

  Well, damn. “I could—“

  “Tiff, you about done here? I’d like to leave on time.” Scott spoke from behind me. His tone was chastising, and I wanted to punch him for talking to her like that.

  “Yup, just finished,” she said cheerfully. Tiff didn’t let it shake her. “Seth, I’ll text you. Make sure you keep that ointment on for three days, then lotion.” Tiffany gave me a private smile before I turned to face the douchebag behind me.

  Scott’s eyes were n
arrowed as he glared at me. “Later.” He dismissed me with a nod of his chin. That motherfucker. “Hey, babe, you have Monday nights off, right?”

  Tiffany’s cheeks turned pink, and my chest filled with warmth. I did that. I created that heat beneath her skin and that extra beat in her pulse. She swallowed and I knew that she was feeling me everywhere, feeling my eyes on her. “Um, yeah. Why?” Her brow furrowed. I felt a twinge of something uncomfortable constrict in my stomach. Guilt. I was using her to piss off Scott.

  “Let’s hang out. I want you to sketch out my next piece. Sound good?” The proud grin on her lips made me smile bigger than I should have.

  “Sure, that would be fantastic. Text me when your done with work.” She grabbed a bottle of cleaner and began to wipe down the table.

  “Thanks for this.” I pointed to my ribcage where the quote was still burning its way permanently into my skin. “See you tomorrow.” I chanced one more look and caught her staring at me from under her lashes. Her smile was shy as she nodded.

  As I turned to leave, my smile was smug. The look on Scott’s face was priceless. That’s right, shithead. He clenched his jaw, and my smile fell. Tiffany’s innocent smile flashed behind my eyes again as I left. I was a piece of shit. I made her think tomorrow was more than it really was just to prove my dick was bigger than his.

  The night sky had cleared and filled with stars, stars that were too bright. The light from such a miraculous thing was wasted on me as I walked out of the tattoo shop. My intentions were always so selfish… but for once my actions could hurt someone I cared about, and I felt worthless. I’ve felt a lot of shit in my life. Guilt was not something that sat well in my gut. The copper taste in my mouth startled me, and I had to breathe deeply through my nose to wash away the nausea.

  I heard Tiffany laugh, and I turned to see her and Scott smiling at each other. Another wave of nausea filled my mouth with metal tinged saliva. What was I doing? I promised myself I’d stay in her wake. I’d be the shadow to her light. But it was as if she was clawing away at my defenses, she was embedding herself within my skin. She was a living-breathing phantom. The sound of her voice haunted me. “I’ll pretend that your mouth doesn’t set me on fire.”

  She wasn’t the only one who had to pretend. I had to pretend that every time I came I wasn’t imagining her lips wrapped around me, that it wasn’t her body I was buried in, that it wasn’t her voice that called out my name. I had to pretend that the thought of Scott’s hands on her, coaxing her lips with his didn’t make me crazy. I had to pretend the idea of him claiming her with his touch and spreading his seed within her didn’t make me want to fucking puke. I could pretend, too… it was the only way I could breathe and the only way I was able to get in my car and drive away.

  CHAPTER SIX

  Tiffany

  THE AGGRAVATING TIN SOUND of my phone alarm blared. I groaned as I rolled over and almost threw it against the wall. My thumb silenced the annoying noise, and I smiled a triumphant smile. Tiffany: one, iPhone: Zero. This day was blessed. My eyes caught the time on my nightstand clock and I jumped up. How was it already two in the afternoon? I scowled at my phone. I must have hit the snooze more than once. The blackout shades in my room worked too well.

  “Shit.”

  I rolled unceremoniously out of bed and headed to the shower. My reflection in the mirror above the sink caught my attention. My hair laid flat on one side of my head and the other side was ratted. The circles under my eyes were stark against the pallor of my skin. I puffed out an angry breath. My appearance offended me on the daily. My hazel eyes, which were more green than hazel, narrowed as my image burned into the glass. All the tattoos in the world couldn’t cover my history, couldn’t hide the pieces of me that had rotted away over the years.

  I lifted my nightshirt over my head and removed my underwear. I was naked, and the sight of all the swirling black ink across my stomach and around my ribcage made me smile. With each piece I disappeared just a bit more; with each dig of the needle into my skin, the old scars were replaced with beautiful ones. I let my thumb trace the white raised flesh on my forearm. My eyes closed as I tried to forget the release I used to feel when I pulled the blade across my skin. Cutting myself slowly, every day for years to feel something other than disgust, regret… shame.

  The lump in my throat grew, and I swallowed it down. The tears wouldn’t come today. Not today… today was mine… today was a fresh start. I stepped into the shower and started my daily routine. I ignored the small detail that today wasn’t different from any other day. Each check mark on the calendar was going to be my “bright new future.” But, the fact that I let my sister die that day so long ago, the fact that my parents still couldn’t forgive me… well, that wasn’t something that faded to the background. Sins like that stayed. Sins like that festered. The blood never washed from my hands.

  I vigorously scrubbed my skin, the pale color now pink from the heat of the water and the aggressive pressure I applied. The tears fell as they always did. The first part of my day was always the hardest. Being alone, left to my own devices, I’d begin to sink. But then I’d remember her, Anna. My little sister. I used to call her Sissy.

  It was hot that day. The bright blue Utah sky was empty of any clouds. My parents asked me to watch Sissy. I was angry because my boyfriend Colton was going to take me to Pineview Reservoir to swim. My little sister was the last person I wanted to be stuck with. She was five years old and I was seventeen. My parents got knocked up with me at a young age. Their inability to use protection made me their burden. I’d been on the pill since I was thirteen; my mother’s way of making sure history didn’t repeat itself.

  Anna had been planned. She was their favorite, and I could see why. She was so easy to love. She was good at everything, smart, beautiful, and to make it even more unfair… she was sweet. She was the kindest little thing you’d ever meet. She’d never cry or whine. She was always pleasant. Her laugh still haunts me.

  Anna’s giggle tinkled as she ran up the stairs. “Tiffany, let’s go swimming!” she shouted.

  I sent a quick text to Colton telling him Pineview was out.

  Me: Stuck babysitting, want to come swim here?

  “Tiffany.” Anna was out of breath. “Can we go swimming? Please?” She batted her eyelashes at me, and I laughed.

  “Sure, Sissy. Go get your swimsuit on. I’ll be ready in a minute. Colt might come, too. But don’t tell Mom or Dad, okay?” I winked at her.

  “Yay. I won’t” She ran out of my room like a freight train, slamming the door behind her.

  My phone chirped.

  Colton: Be over in a few.

  Colton was four years older than me. He was in college and was able to buy beer, which made him the best boyfriend ever. Sure he was a jerk sometimes, maybe a little rougher than I would prefer when we were together, but he loved me and he was my first. I didn’t have anything to compare it to. My parents didn’t like him at all. They said he was too old for me, that I needed to concentrate on school, on cheering, and on getting into a good college. I was quick to remind them that they had me when they were sixteen so they had no room to talk.

  Besides, cheering was getting old. I hated those “mean” girls. That whole scene wasn’t me. I did it for my mom. She wanted me to be something I wasn’t. I loved art and wanted to go to this fantastic art school in San Francisco, but my parents shot that idea down into the dust. Mr. and Mrs. Webster wanted their daughter to attend the University of Utah, get a degree in something useless, get married, and make babies. The typical Utah culture… I wanted more; I needed to free myself from this cage.

  I quickly slipped on my bright yellow bikini. The vibrant color stood out against my alabaster skin. I heard Anna stomping down the stairs and I hurried, pulling my long black hair up into a messy bun. Opening my bedroom door I called out to her, “Wait for me, Sis.” She was just learning to swim, and I didn’t want her to go into the pool without me.

  “Hurry Tiff!” she sque
aled, making me giggle. She was squirming by the sliding glass door. All the energy she had was too much to contain in such a little person. She was so full of life.

  My phone chimed and vibrated against the bathroom sink. The memory of my sister smiling, giggling, and so full of happiness hung heavy in my mind. The steam of the shower gone, the cool water felt like knives against my skin. I turned the water off and stepped out, grabbing my towel. I wiped the water and tears from my face.

  My phone vibrated again as I picked it up. Seth’s sarcastic grin smiled at me from my phone, already making my crappy day better. The picture made me laugh every time. We’d been at the bar, and I made fun of some chick that had failed miserably at earning his consideration. He always let me push his buttons. He had said, “You better take a snap of this moment. Never again will you see Seth turn down a piece of ass for Todd’s sorry bullshit.” Seth had decided to turn the girl down because he was still helping Todd through his break up with Lily. So I did. I took a picture and it was my favorite. Not because he was beautiful, or that the smile was sexy as hell, but because he cared enough about Todd, his friend, to make the right choice. This gave me hope. Hope was something that was delivered in limited quantities these days.

  Seth: Let’s get wasted tonight?

  Seth: We’ll get naked and have a giant orgy with Todd and Lily?

  Seth: Seriously, this day can fuck off.

  I shook my head.

  Me: Did someone have a bad day?

  Walking into the bedroom, I threw my phone on the bed. I grabbed my blue jeans and my favorite worn T-shirt that said “Fuck the Suburbs” across the front. The shirt had been a gift from Todd for my birthday two years ago. He said it fit my “personality.” Todd always gave the best presents. One of the many reasons I loved that guy.