Still Surviving

by A. M. Johnson

  “You’re having a baby?” Cam’s voice was high pitched, and Todd smiled.

  “We are, we just found out.” Lily spoke through tears, and her smile met her eyes.

  “Oh my freaking God, I’m so happy for you guys.” Liz clapped her hands and jumped up. She gave Todd a huge hug. Elizabeth’s small body fit nicely against his, his arms fully enveloping her.

  “Thanks, baby girl.” Todd spoke into Liz’s hair as he kissed the top of her head.

  “I’m so sorry, Lily. I feel like I totally stole your thunder.” I wiped the tears away from under my eyes.

  “It’s fine.” She laughed. “It doesn’t matter how everyone finds out. Besides, it was an honest slip. Please don’t worry about it, okay?” she implored.

  “’Kay.” I nodded.

  “Wait a fucking minute. You’re having a baby? You’re going to be a dad… again?” Colby raked his fingers through his hair. “Do mom and dad know?”

  “Hell no, and I’d like to keep it that way for a minute.” Todd answered Colby but looked at me pointedly.

  “I don’t even talk to your parents. Stop looking at me like that,” I scoffed.

  Sawyer laughed and pulled Todd into a side hug. “Congrats, brother. You got us beat. Next thing you know Liz is gonna want another one.”

  “I have to finish school first,” she said with a touch of despondency.

  “Don’t worry, Cricket, you’ll finish, and we’ll make ten babies if you want.” Sawyer’s dimpled smile caused her to blush.

  “Babies!” Cam squeaked, and Colby rolled his eyes.

  “No way, babe. We need to focus on making it down the aisle at some point.” Colby shook his head. “You better tell Mom, Todd, and soon. This one can’t ever keep her mouth shut when it comes to Mom.” He pointed his thumb at Cam, and she slapped him on the shoulder.

  Sawyer bear hugged Lily and almost lifted her off the ground. The guy was massive. He was the biggest teddy bear I’d ever seen. “Congrats, Lil. I’m so happy for you guys.” Sawyer released her and then patted Todd on the shoulder again. He leaned in and said quietly, “When are you going to make an honest woman of her?” The conversations around them were loud enough that no one could really hear what Sawyer had asked. Lily was busy talking to Cam, and Liz and Colby were debating whether or not Vegas was a good option for a wedding. I, on the other hand, was dying to hear his answer.

  “You know… eavesdropping is very unattractive.” Seth’s lips played at my ear; his warm voice made it hard to hear and broke my concentration.

  “I wasn’t eavesdropping.” A girl never backs down, even when caught red handed.

  “You were.” His grin was wicked. He knew he had me.

  “I was.”

  He placed his lips to mine once, then twice, and pulled away with a smile.

  “What was that for?” I asked a bit dazzled.

  “Does there have to be a reason?”

  I shook my head.

  “I just wanted to. It’s all I’ve wanted to do since we left the car.” Seth kissed me again. This time he took his time kissing me, like he was discovering my lips for the first time all over again.

  “This is different.” Cam’s voice broke into our perfect little universe, and I suddenly felt embarrassed. She was grinning from ear to ear.

  “I didn’t know you liked to watch, Cammie,” Seth said in his usual sarcastic tone.

  “I didn’t know you actually liked girls. I mean this is the first one I’ve ever seen you with.” Cam folded her arms.

  “Oh, he likes girls. I remember when he was going to ask Lizzie Bean to homecoming. Never happened though,” Colby snickered.

  “You were?” Elizabeth looked at Seth with disbelieving eyes, and I felt him stiffen next to me. Seth nodded and glared at Colby. Sawyer cleared his throat and Todd laughed. “Colby told me you wanted to go, but I didn’t believe him.” Elizabeth smiled at Seth, but it was more of a nostalgic grin. “It’s so funny how life’s choices can change a path so definitely, you know? I’m grateful you didn’t really ask me. We’d have never worked out, and then we probably wouldn’t be friends now.” She chuckled. I ran the tips of my fingers under the collar of Seth’s shirt, along the back of his neck, my touch relaxing his previously rigid posture.

  Sawyer wrapped his arm around Liz’s waist and kissed her cheek. “I’m glad your choices brought you to me.” Liz gave him a small kiss for his sweet words. They really were a perfect fit for each other.

  “I’d have been lucky had you gone to homecoming with me, but you’re right… you were way too good for me back then.” Seth’s laugh was real, and he gave her his full smile.

  “Here’s to past lives and bright futures.” Cam held up her glass of wine.

  “Cheers!” Rang throughout the room as we all raised our glasses.

  The night continued, and, after Sailor went to bed, we’d made our way down stairs to where Elizabeth kept all her old music equipment. Seth was all too happy to play drums while Todd, Lily, and Liz took turns singing and playing guitar. Cam played the bass, and Colby, Sawyer, and I watched in awe of these musical gods. Seth played hard, and it felt like old times watching him play drums, shirtless — wanting him and thinking I’d never have him. Now, watching him tonight, it made my heart beat erratically in my chest because tonight I’d be the one leaving with him. Tonight he was mine.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR

  Seth

  THIS DAY WAS GOING to happen. The stark ticking of my watch on the dresser was a loud reminder that today had begun. My nervous energy was overflowing as I dried off from my shower. My normal means of release, my one-night stands, no longer appealed to me, and the gym didn’t cut it today. I was already feeling needlessly pent up because I hadn’t really seen Tiff this week. After throwing on a pair of jeans, I sat on the edge of the bed. I closed my eyes and rested my elbows on my knees, as I let my head drop into my hands. The image of her in front of Liz’s house, biting her lip, the blush on her cheeks, the submission in her posture. Shit, stepping out of my car… it was the hardest thing I’d ever had to do.

  After dinner at Elizabeth’s, I took her home and drove away, just fucking left her at her apartment alone when all I wanted was to be with her. I kissed her one last time on the front step, her sweet lips burning against mine. This whole “pacing things” bullshit was the last thing on my mind whenever my hands were on her skin or my tongue was tasting hers. The memory was so real I could almost feel her nails dig across my neck and shoulders. I shook my head. I needed to see her… be with her.

  Work had been so busy this week I could only stop by the bar once. Texting and her nightly good night calls were all I had this week. I missed her face. Fuck, I was losing it.

  This account my father had me on was sucking all my time, all of me away. Because my father chose this week to be in and out of town, everything rested on my shoulders, and I hated him for it. This schmoozing clients and big money sales wasn’t who I was or ever wanted to be. The more time I spent around the office — the more time I spent with my father and that lifestyle — the more I saw him for what he really was. He was turning into everything I hated. I shook my head. Maybe he’d always been this way and I’d been too wounded by my mother’s betrayal to see it. I didn’t want to think about this shit today.

  Today was what I longed for and dreaded at the same time. I’d teased Tiffany all week about what we would do on our first date, but I never doubted where I’d take her. She took one of Jo’s weekday shifts so she could have this Saturday off. I stood and grabbed my shirt off the dresser and pulled it on. My shower hadn’t helped ease my anxiety, and I was beginning to think that the only thing to make me feel better was just to have her with me.

  Me: On my way.

  Her response was fast and I smiled.

  Tiffany: What should I wear?

  Me: It doesn’t matter. Just be you.

  Tiffany: See you soon.

  The deep breath that pulled down my throat did nothing
to cure my panic. This whole day could blow up in my face. I wasn’t this guy — the guy that dated, that did cute romantic shit, that made giant gestures. I was the guy that fucked random girls so I could feel powerful. My hand rested on the handle of my door as I closed my eyes and pictured her face. Trust this. The handle turned easily in my grip as I opened the door.

  TIFFANY STEPPED OUT OF her apartment. Her exotic floral scent was light as she reached up on her tiptoes to kiss me on the cheek. “Where we headed, rock star?”

  “Rock star?” The smirk she was leveling my way made me laugh hard enough I felt it in my stomach.

  “Yup. You with your fancy car and mad musical skills. A girl can get all sorts of swoon going for a rock star.” She took my hand in hers and gave me a lopsided smile.

  “Nice, so you really are just using me for all my fame and fortune.” My sarcastic comeback made her throw her head back and laugh, drawing my attention to her throat. Tiffany’s alabaster skin was flawless. I let my gaze follow along the line of her pale blue V-neck t-shirt. The ink on her chest becoming visible just at the seam making me wish I could see what lingered below. The material of her thin cotton shirt fit snug against her breasts and tiny waist. She was so small, so fragile.

  “You know I love you for more than just your good looks and bank account,” she teased me, but she had no idea how those words affected me. How those words had the ability to knock down years of built up cement brick around my heart. She gave me a nervous smile. “Well?”

  Her question snapped me out of my thoughts. “Well, what?”

  “You’re supposed to tell me how nice I look and where the hell we’re going.” She laughed at my obvious inadequacies. This dating shit… I wasn’t sure how I felt about it.

  Tiff’s hair was up in a messy looking bun, the sharp line of her bangs as always sat perfect at her brow line. I noticed she had on a skirt and I smiled. “You wore a skirt for me?”

  “I did. You like?” Her red stained lips spread into a giant grin. She was always beautiful no matter what she had on or how she chose to paint her face. Every side of Tiffany I got to uncover was just as remarkable as the last.

  “I do… easy access.” I chuckled as she swatted at my arm.

  “You’re an ass.” Tiff’s words had no bite since she spoke them through laughter. “Are we going to stand here all day, or are you taking me on a date?” She smirked.

  “After you.”

  Hand in hand and fingers intertwined, I led her to the car. It was mid-day, and the warm, un-fall like weather would make today even better. Once we were settled in the car and on the road I decided to tell her my plan. Just in case she hated the idea, I’d have time to figure something else out.

  “About this date… I wanted to give you another best.” My normal confident candor waivered and I almost didn’t recognize my own voice.

  “This sounds big.” Her hazel eyes were wide with excitement, and I prayed what I was about to say didn’t fill them with angry tears.

  “The last time you went to Lagoon with your sister was important… special for you.” I watched as Tiff’s smile fell just enough that my stomach began to turn. I was already fucking up, and this date hadn’t even started. “I mean you haven’t been there since she passed away… so that memory was ruined. Tiff, I want to fix it. Let’s go there. Let’s go there and be stupid and young and remember your sister. Let’s remember everything that was good about her and you and your family… let me take you there, Tiff.”

  Her eyes began to fill with tears, and her hands trembled in her lap. I splayed my right palm over her small hands and was almost able to completely envelop them. She sniffled and stuttered a laugh, causing the tight grip of fear to release from my ribcage. “You want to go to an amusement park?”

  I nodded. “You’re last best was ruined. I want to make you a new one. One that is solely ours. Is that okay with you?” My smile pulled widely across my face. Tiffany’s lips mirrored mine as she nodded in agreement.

  “I think that sounds amazing.”

  “You sure?” My nervousness abated as she sat up straighter and wiped the tears from her eyes, owning the moment.

  “Yes.” The hazel pools of her eyes rested on mine. “Thank you.”

  “Don’t thank me. I told you, Angel… you’re worth everything.”

  CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE

  Tiffany

  THE PADS OF MY fingertips wiped at the tears on my face. Seth was more than I ever thought possible. This date… he couldn’t have picked a better way to show how much he really wanted this… wanted us to work. My heart skipped as he took my left hand in his and squeezed gently.

  “You okay?” he asked with a soft smile.

  “I really am.” My thumb grazed his, and he released a heavy breath.

  “Good.”

  Seth’s dark, almost black, hair fell across his forehead. The dark gray Rouge Wave band T-shirt he had on hugged his chest and fit snug on his biceps. The muscles in his arms were prominent as he gripped the steering wheel. The silent power he wielded sent a fissure down my spine. The thought of having him above me, his strong arms holding me, giving me what I needed, giving me a piece of him, it was all I could think of as I watched him from the passenger seat.

  Deftones played from the stereo, and he turned up the sound. We drove like this all the way to Lagoon. Something about music, and how it drew Seth out, made me smile. I felt like I was in his private church as I watched and admired how he tapped to the beat, hummed along, and, at times, sang full force. I loved how he reacted to the notes. I got to witness him, in his own element… and he was magnificent.

  “Do you mind if we park across from the park?” he asked as he pulled into a grassy field.

  “Not at all. The parking lot is a shit show.”

  He laughed at my comment and pulled the car under the canopy of trees that surrounded the small meadow.

  “Are you excited?” He turned the ignition off and turned to look at me. His eyes were more gray today than blue. The dark color of his shirt reflected within his irises.

  “Excited doesn’t even cover it.” I was a mixture of excited, nervous, and a bit scared. My fingers traced the raised skin on my arm; the familiar feel of the thin lines caused my body to tense. My eyes fell to my lap, and my hands started to shake. I let the lids of my eyes flutter close as I took three deep breaths. I could feel his eyes on me, waiting for me to fall apart. But I wouldn’t. He wanted to heal me; he wanted this to be a special day.

  “She’d want you to live, Tiff. She’d want you to forgive yourself.” Seth’s voice was soft. The touch of his fingers on my cheek didn’t surprise me. My tears fell silently, and I knew he would wipe them away. Each syllable he spoke spurred something deep in my soul. I’d lost so much time. I wanted to start over again, and he was giving me that chance. He was showing me the way.

  “How do you always know what to say?” My eyes opened, and I gave him a watery smile.

  “I don’t. I just know what it’s like to hate yourself, to hate what you’ve become… and, at some point, you have to let that go.”

  “And you have?”

  “I’m here, aren’t I?” He took a stray piece of my hair between his thumb and forefinger, placing it delicately behind my ear.

  “You’re here.” He was here. He was pushing his limits, creating a new way of living and it was time for me to do the same.

  SETH AND I STOOD out like a whore in church. Our heavily tattooed skin, dark hair, and multiple piercings seemed to freak out the locals. In the three years that I’d known Seth, I’d never seen him look as awkward as he did now, sitting across from me with a large funnel cake in front of him. He frowned at the copious amounts of powdered sugar, and I was unable to suppress my giggle. His stormy blue eyes met mine, and he grinned.

  “What the hell is this?” He gawked at the fried bread.

  “It’s a funnel cake.” My laughter got louder as he poked it with his finger.

  “It looks un
healthy.” He smirked at me while I pulled apart the warm sticky bread with my fingers and popped a piece in my mouth.

  “All the best things are,” I said with a full mouth of gooey deliciousness. “I promise, one taste and you’ll be hooked.”

  “I could say the same about you.” His full lips pulled into an impressive smile, and I felt the blush creep across my cheeks. I swallowed and found that his eyes had fallen to my mouth. I could almost feel his lips on mine, his tongue taking what it wanted from me. I had to clear my throat to break the spell he had me under.

  I balled up my napkin and threw it at him. “You’re really smooth, sunshine.”

  He laughed openly. The palm of his hand rested on his chest as his shoulders shook with amusement. He caught his breath and claimed my stare.

  “Let me try a bite.” His smirk was sinful.

  I pulled a piece of the sticky cake from the plate and brought it to his lips. His eyes never left mine as he took the small bite, his lips lingered at the tips of my fingers, and my heart hammered in my chest.

  “Good, right?” I smiled through my nerves.

  He wet his lips, taking a taste of the left over powdered sugar that coated his bottom lip. “Hella fucking good.“ His smile pulled across his face. “You ready for one last ride?”

  His eyes flicked to the large wooden roller coaster behind me. My entire childhood I was terrified of this ride, but that last time, the last time we were a family, I finally chose to ride it. This day had been just as it should be. Even though we were older and the majority of the people here were half our age, Seth and I made this ours; we made this day something we’d never forget. We rode every ride and acted like we were sixteen again. Seeing Seth so unrestricted, having him just like this… he was real. He was real, and I was letting go. Anna’s death wasn’t something I could hold all the blame for anymore.