Still Obsessed

by Deborah Bladon

  I pull my eyes across her body. Her legs are both still encased in casts. The bruises that once covered her face are now almost completely faded away. The cut on her forehead is still visible. She looks nothing like the vibrant socialite who tried to convince me that the key to a good life is a strong martini and a rich man.

  "Liz." I bite my lip to temper the rising tears. I can't help but feel sympathy for her. I can't imagine how much physical pain she's in.

  "Karma is a bitch." She tries to smile and I freeze. How am I supposed to react to that?

  "She hasn't lost her sense of humor." I feel Brighton's hand on the small of my back, steering me farther into the room. The only machine Liz is hooked up to now appears to be tracking her vital statistics. The room itself is no less imposing than ICU was. I still feel horribly uncomfortable. I don't want her to bring up Mark. I don't think I can handle it.

  "Mark died." She doesn't hesitate. She just barrels into the subject full force.

  I nod. "I'm sorry," I say. The words aren't meant to offer comfort. I'm not sure what their intention is. I just know it's the right thing to say in that moment.

  "I hadn't seen him in months before that night." Her bottom lip quivers and Brighton runs his hand over her forehead. "He wanted to talk to me about things. He wanted to make amends."

  I don't want to hear about that night. I can't allow myself to feel any more sympathy for her. She was sleeping with my fiancé for more than three years. She was making love to him in the very same bed where I wrapped myself around him before I fell asleep each night.

  "He still loved you, Ivy." I can't contain the well of emotions that now rushes to the surface. I reach for a plain metal chair that is sitting next to her bed to steady myself.

  "Please don't talk about him," I say the words in barely more than a whisper. I don't want to know more about Mark than I already do. I don't want to shed one tear over him.

  "He wanted to make it up to you too." She taps her hand on the bed. "You never answered his calls."

  Her words feel like an accusation and I have to stop myself from pushing back. I didn't come here to argue. I'm not sure why I did.

  "I'm sorry that you were hurt." I mean it. I sincerely do. "Mark is gone. Dwelling on the past won't help anyone."

  I see tears well at the corner of her eyes before she shifts her gaze to Brighton's face.

  "I'm leaving," I say the words knowing that both of them are glad that I'm not staying any longer than I already have. "I hope you continue to get better." It's a small offering but for now, it's all I can muster.

  Chapter 17

  "Mark had a daughter." Hearing the words out loud makes the reality of it that more real.

  "A daughter?" Mrs. Adams points to a spot on the window. "There's a streak there, dear."

  I rub the cloth over the area before I step back to take a look. "That's what I believe, yes."

  "You haven't met her?" It's a natural question. Of course she'd want to know that. Up to this point, the only confirmation that I have that Mark has a child are the three text messages I found on his phone. Nathan has been working tirelessly to try and piece together who the mystery child is but so far, nothing has brought any concrete answers.

  "I was going through his things." I stop once I realize that I've never confided in Mrs. Adams that Mark left his entire estate to me. "I'm helping with his estate and when I was looking through his phone I saw some messages he sent. I those messages he wrote about his daughter."

  "So who is this girl?" She points back at the window and I rub the cloth along the length of it again. Coming back to my old apartment building once a week to help Mrs. Adams with her chores and shopping was a delight until it came time to do windows.

  "I don't know. I wish I knew." I shrug my shoulders as I walk past her. I'm determined to put the window spray and cloth away before she notices yet another streak.

  "What does Jax think about it?"

  I stop in my tracks at the entrance to the kitchen. I haven't told Jax. It's been days and I have yet to tell him that I know that he can't buy the shares I inherited because I won't be keeping them.

  "We haven't had a chance to talk about it yet."

  "Why, dear?" She's pressing. I know she's doing it to give me an outlet to talk but I'm not sure I can. I don't know why I've avoided bringing it up. I don't know why I've allowed him to make love to me knowing that I'm holding such a big secret within. Part of it has to be that I'm certain that he'll want to talk about the timing and the reminder that Mark cheated on me now likely exists in the form of a child.

  "It's very complicated," I offer. It's a weak excuse and we both know it.

  "Secrets have no place in love." The words are soft and gentle.

  "You're right." I tap her on the shoulder as I walk past her. "I'm going to go talk to Jax now."

  She nods her head as she motions towards the door. "Hurry now. You need to tell him before you chicken out."

  I laugh loudly as I step through the threshold and close her apartment door behind me.

  ***

  "She's two?" I repeat back his words. "She's two-years-old?"

  "Two, Ivy." Nathan holds up two fingers as if that's going to help me comprehend the fact that Mark's daughter is just two-years-old.

  "I was just on my way to tell Jax about her." I motion towards our building which is less than a half a block away. "I don't know how I'm going to do this."

  "He's not there." Nathan steers me out of the heavy pedestrian traffic in the middle of the sidewalk. "I was just there looking for you."

  I pull on his wrist to glance at his watch. "It's after seven. He should be at home."

  "It just gives you more time to plan out what you're going to say." He taps me on the nose. "You're doing the right thing."

  "What's her name?" I've been dying to know the answer. I've been craving information about Mark's daughter since I found out she existed.

  "Bailey." A gentle smile pulls at the corner of his mouth.

  "Does her mother know about Mark… about his death?" I still struggle to say the words. "Has someone told her?"

  "I'm not sure." He glances down at his watch. "I'm running late for something, Ivy."

  "Go." I push him into the sidewalk. "I'm good." The truth was that I was happy to have some time to think before I threw all of this information at Jax.

  Chapter 18

  I'm out for dinner with an old friend. Don't wait up.

  I stare at Jax's text message again. Why would he have to pick tonight of all nights to go out for dinner with a friend? Tonight is the night I want to tell him about Bailey. I want him to see that giving everything to that small girl was not only the right thing to do, it was the legally necessary thing to do.

  Please come home soon. I need to talk to you.

  I send the message knowing that it sounds pleading. I don't care. I have to get this out of the way now.

  I walk into the kitchen to prepare something light to eat. I scan the refrigerator, looking at all the fresh fruit and vegetables Jax always keeps stocked there for me. I feel my stomach churn at the thought of eating anything right now. I'm too nervous. I feel way too much anxiety to even think about food at the moment. All I want is to talk to Jax so we can start putting all of this behind us.

  I go back to the bedroom and scan my phone. Nothing from Jax. I lay down while I wait. My mind replaying my relationship with Mark over and over. When we were engaged he slept with someone and created another life. He had the child he always longed for and then he was taken from the world. I feel the sobs rush through me. It's the first time I've let myself feel any sorrow since I learned of his death. I tumble into the darkness of sleep, my body shaking from the sadness.

  ***

  I feel his hands on my thighs as I drift back into the reality of the apartment. I glance at the clock near the bed. It's two in the morning.

  "Jax?" I reach for him. I need to feel his arms around me.

  He lunges towards me
and pulls me into a deep embrace. I cling to his body. He smells of perfume and alcohol. He was out with a woman. I can tell. I know. My body is telling me so.

  "Where were you?" I whisper the words quietly not wanting to push him into a dark place before we talk about Mark.

  "I texted you. I went out for dinner." His words are slurred. His breath tainted with the heavy aroma of whiskey.

  "That was hours ago, Jax." I reach to turn on the bedside lamp but his hand stops mine.

  "Don't. The word is brittle and hurried. "I just want to fuck."

  Normally, my body would ache at the command. I'd be pulling his jeans off and mounting him in one easy stroke. Tonight it was different. Tonight he was different.

  "No." I reach to pull myself across the bed. "I don't want that."

  "You never want me anymore," he whispers the words into the darkness but they bite through me just as harshly as they would have in the bright light of day.

  "I always want you." I know that my attention to Mark's estate has pushed an unspoken wedge between us.

  "Prove it." The challenge comes from a dark place. I can hear it in his tone.

  "Stop it, Jax." I push the words back at him wishing that I could see more of his face than the shadowy outline that the sliver of light from the hallway is providing.

  "Maybe she'd fuck me if I asked."

  My stomach recoils at the words. She. There was a she. He was out with another woman. I leap past him and rush down the hallway. I slam the door shut as I heave into the sink. The putrid taste of my own bile not nearly as disgusting as Jax's vile words.

  Chapter 19

  "I'm leaving for a few days." I pat him on the ass to wake him but he doesn't budge. "Hey jerk, I'm out of here."

  He moans quietly before he turns over.

  "I'm leaving." The words are more firm now, their intention unmistakable. "Last night was unacceptable. I'm not staying here."

  I turn to leave and I feel his hand on my elbow. "Ivy. No."

  I ignore him and continue to walk towards the door. He jumps from the bed, teetering unsteadily on his feet as he jumps in my way.

  I cringe when I look at him. His brown hair is a disheveled mess. His brown eyes are sunken in and empty.

  "Get out of the way." I'm late for work. I need to leave before I say something that we'll both remember for far too long.

  "I'm pretty sure I fucked up last night." He runs his hand across his face. "What did I say?"

  "I don't have time for this." The truth was I didn't have the time or the patience to deal with him right now.

  "What did I say? What did I do?" he asks the questions so fast that they barrel over one another.

  "You need a shower." I can't respond to him. I can't tell him that he brought up the suggestion of fucking someone else. If I do it's going to unleash a surge of emotions that I'm not sure I can tame.

  "Tell me." He grabs my arm and I pull it back so harshly that I almost lose my footing.

  I stare at him, anger coursing through every cell in my body. "You were out until two and when you did finally drag your drunk ass home you were clear that if I didn't fuck you, you had someone ready, willing and able to spread her legs for her so why don't you take her up on that offer today."

  His mouth falls open.

  "And at least have the decency to change the sheets when you're done." I push past him and stop at the bedroom door. I know I shouldn't do it but I want to sting him as much as he's done to me.

  "Jax." I call to him but he doesn't turn around. "Hey, Jax," I raise my voice so it's skirting the edge of a scream.

  He turns slowly, his naked body on full display.

  "Mark had a daughter so you're shit out of luck with that too." I don't look back as I turn on my heel and walk away.

  ***

  "I didn't think you had it in you." Nathan rolls his head back in laughter when I tell him what happened between Jax and me.

  "I was just so pissed." I take a small bite of the garden salad I ordered. "I don't know how to talk to him anymore. He's become this different person."

  "How old is he?" He bites into his cheeseburger as he cocks a brow waiting for me to answer.

  "He's twenty-seven." I shrug my shoulders. I want to say that Jax is twenty-seven going on twelve but I know that's petty and unnecessary.

  "He's in a weird place right now."

  "No kidding." I take another piece of tomato in my mouth and chew it slowly. "He's in the same place he's always been in."

  He looks over the rim of the water glass he's sipping from. "Most of us are pretty settled by the time we're twenty-seven. We have a clear path. We know what we're after. That's not the case with Jax."

  I shake my head in disagreement. "He knows exactly what he wants. He's back to wanting that company his father owned and he can't control that. I thought he grew up the last few months. I was wrong. "

  "I don't think so." Nathan motions for the waiter. "I think he's chasing after that because he still feels obligated. I don't think it's coming out of a place that's based in need."

  I furrow my brow. "I don't get it. You're saying that Jax is only after the company because he feels he should do that but internally he actually wants something else?"

  "That's it. You've hit the nail on the head." He orders a glass of bourbon. "Do you want anything, Ivy?"

  I shake my head. "I'm still not sure." I need to change the subject. Talking about Jax's immaturity is making me wish I didn't have to talk to him later today. "What else do you know about Bailey's mom?"

  "Ah, Bailey." A wide smile covers his full lips. "Her mom is a woman Mark met in Tulsa when he was there on business. It took her months to track him down and when she did, Mark flew out to meet his daughter."

  The idea of Mark spending any time with his little girl brings me a small amount of comfort. "How long did he know about her before he…"

  "Not more than three months." Nathan rolls his finger along the edge of his glass. "He was set to take off the next day to spend a week with them when the accident happened."

  "That's sad." The words sound hollow and empty compared to the tragedy of the situation. Mark didn't really have a chance to be a dad, but maybe his estate could provide a better life for his daughter.

  "Garrett needs to see you in the next few days." He reaches into his wallet to pull out a credit card. "We can get things moving right away so a trust can be set up in Bailey's name."

  I nod in agreement. That's exactly what I want. I want Mark's estate to go to his daughter and I want him to be a distant memory as soon as possible.

  Chapter 20

  "You need to see a doctor." His breath brushes over my neck. I open my eyes slowly to see him kneeling next to the couch, concerning covering his expression.

  "Why?" The word leaves my lips in barely more than a whisper. After spending two nights in Mrs. Adam's guest room I was back home. Being away from Jax was pure torture. I must have drifted into sleep while I was waiting for him.

  "You're sick." His voice cracks. "I've been so scared for weeks."

  "Scared?" I reach to cradle his cheek in my hand. "Of what?"

  "There's barely anything left to you." His hand runs down my side. "You're so pale. You sleep so much."

  "It's been so stressful, Jax." It has been. He can't understand how hard it's been trying to manage everything with Mark's estate and his feelings too.

  "I wanted to believe it was just stress." He shuts his eyes tightly before he opens them again. I see the moisture gathering at the corners. "I've been so scared that if I took you to the doctor he'd tell me I was going to lose you."

  "That's silly." I run my hand along his tie. "I'm fine."

  "Ivy." He pulls my hand to his lips, skirting it across them. "Something isn't right."

  "You've changed." I blurt the words out without any emotion. "You're not the same anymore and that's so hard. It's too much for me."

  "I'm me." He leans forward to graze his lips across my cheek. "I'm stil
l me."

  "You were out with a woman." I bite my bottom lip to temper what I want to say. "You said she'd sleep with you if you asked."

  "I was drunk," he whispers the words into my hair. "I was out with a woman I went to high school with and her husband."

  "You hurt me when you came home."

  "What? I hurt you?" He reaches to hug me, pulling me closer into him. "How? Ivy. Tell me."

  I know I'm going to cry. Everything that has built up the past few weeks is being pushed down into me. I have to let it out. "Your words. We don't talk about fucking other people. We just don't."

  "Tell me you know I wouldn’t do that." His tone is pleading. "Tell me you knew I was fucked up and drunk."

  "Did you fuck her in high school?" The question feels as though I've pulled it from left field.

  He shakes his head as if he's trying to register it. "No. Gosh, no."

  "Then why would you say that?" I pull on the lapel of his suit jacket. "Why?"

  "To hurt you." The confession is quiet and simple. "You've been so wrapped up in Mark's death. I was being petty and childish."

  I stare at his face, wanting to find a concrete answer to all the questions I have. "Something is going on with you. Something isn't right."

  "I don't want to run that company." He spits the words into the air as if they're vile and tainted. "I can't go back to that."

  "You were making an offer on the shares you thought I inherited." I push for understanding. I need it. I can't deal with this aching gap that has developed between us.

  "When you fell in love with me I was Jax Walker, business man." I smile at the words. I did fall in love with him but it had nothing to do with his career choice.

  "I don't care what you do." I take a pause before I continue," I just don’t want you to work for me."

  "I loved being at the shop every day." A small smile pulls on his lips. "Spending that much time with you was the best. I wish I could do that every day for the rest of my life."