Hating Him Wanting Him : A Contemporary Romance Collection

by Summer Brooks

  No, not yet. It wasn’t just fantastic sex that brought us together. It was something more. I wanted him to know that I was his, not just as someone to hook up with, but someone to look out for him the way he looked out for me.

  There was no place for any toxic people in our lives anymore. I was ready to let go of Sam, and he needed to get out of his father’s shadow.

  “Things will be better,” I promised him, as I began to kiss his abs again, making a short circuit up to his belly button, while my hand reached for his cock, feeling just how thick he got in my hand.

  He was so big my small hand couldn’t even really wrap around it.

  “Mmm,” I murmured.

  He had his eyes closed, but his mouth was open. I could tell just how vulnerable he was feeling now, and he was opening up to me in a really special way, showing to me that for once, he could give up the role of protecting other people — that this time, he could just let me in and trust me.

  I knew trust was a big issue here. Whenever I upset him by rejecting his offers to help me, I figured out that it was because he was someone who found it hard to trust other people… so when he offered this help, only to be turned down, he took it hard. He felt like I didn’t trust him.

  But I did. I trusted him. I lowered my mouth to his cock and let my tongue play with him, to give him the same sort of passion and enjoyment that I always experienced when we played together in bed.

  Everything about this was perfect, and I wanted him to know that there was more of this — in Florida, in Indiana, wherever. We weren’t bound by our locations, or the places we grew up in and went to school at. We could have this sort of connection no matter where.

  I wasn’t going to let him forget that.

  Pulling my mouth away, feeling my saliva drip down my hand still grasping him by his base, I started to mount him.

  I wanted to ride this gorgeous, athletic man.

  He was an incredibly well-primed machine of a man, someone who devoted hours and hours of his life to improving himself so he would hit peak performance.

  To experience him this purely was such an honor for me. But it wasn’t just an honor. It was what I wanted, what I craved.

  Because I could resist sex with Bryant for a few days, but it was a need that would build up in me.

  He held my shoulders, helping guide me up and down him, as I bounced and felt him fill me up.

  It was an exquisite feeling. His cock pointed straight up had so much power which he gave with every thrust.

  The pleasure was overwhelming.

  I didn’t even know I was this close to coming, but in a matter of seconds, I was holding him tight, leaning forward while still riding him, and kissing him.

  I came as our tongues passionately met.

  20

  Bryant

  Nobody could make me feel as good as Mia did. She treated me with the tenderness I needed, knowing what I needed was closeness.

  I was sick of having such a complicated life. I was sick of my father barging in, ruling over everyone, acting like he was some kind of king. Nobody stood up to him except me, not my mom, not Sheryl, not even Rob.

  But tonight Mia did.

  I was starting to feel incredibly bad, but I didn’t want any of that to bleed in to hooking up with Mia. Like it did just the night before, when we were still back at my house, before flying here… she was always able to make my body feel amazing.

  It was as if she was made for me.

  And that was what made everything so dangerous to me.

  We had been doing it nonstop for several hours, fucking because our bodies were pent-up with a lot of frustrations that had nothing to do with us… or at least, so we thought.

  Eventually, for the first time ever, Mia was the one who seemed like she was into it more than me. She was under me, grinding herself against me while I held her down and pushed thrust after thrust.

  I was starting to weaken, but after hours of sweaty, full-force sex… that could be forgiven.

  The problem was that Mia could see I was somewhere else.

  “Okay,” she murmured, giving me a quick kiss. “Shower and cleanup?”

  “Sure, yeah,” I said absently.

  “You’re far away, Bryant,” she pointed out, but that was obvious to anyone, surely.

  “I’m sick of a lot of different things,” I said, my mood darkening. I didn’t want to do this to her, I didn’t want to worry like this.

  But seeing my dad always ruined my day, because it reminded me of the one triggering incident in my life that always broke me.

  The divorce.

  Dad was cruel in his words, as usual. He blamed it on the life at home here in Indianapolis, said we were the ones to be faulted for him having a mistress in New York, who he had kids with in secret. He said if we had just been less whiny on the rare occasions he was home, we could at least be a family. Not a happy one, but an intact family.

  I shuddered, thinking about how awful he was.

  So many years had past yet I still wanted to see the good in my father. I knew that he was trying to reach out to me this way because he wanted to connect with me, his oldest son. He had nothing for him outside of work and the isolating life of a billionaire, and his new family was as distant and cold as he was — they weren’t people he could boss around.

  It made sense that he kept coming back to me, to Mom, to Sheryl. It was all so he could dominate us, take some sick pleasure in this.

  He was the true bully here.

  I sighed, sliding down the wall until my head slumped against the overly soft motel pillows. At least the mattress wasn’t so bad, even if the sheets probably could do with another wash.

  Mia had left me to go to the shower.

  People, in the end, always leave me.

  That was my fear, the one thing that drove me on. Of course I would give my all to anyone who I cared this deeply about. But I did that in hopes that by cementing all these acts of service and kindness in their lives, I’d make myself indispensable. That they’d never want to leave me, the way Dad left the family.

  This was why I hated it so much when Mia rejected all my offers of help. It didn’t cost me anything, but it would help her so much.

  I didn’t want another drawn-out conversation about Mia telling me I didn’t owe her anything. It wasn’t like that. It wasn’t about owing anyone anything. And I definitely had no intention of acting like I somehow owned her.

  I wasn’t my Dad, okay?

  Mia came back, holding her phone. “There’s a new Fiona video.”

  Frowning, I turned away from her. “I don’t want to watch any of that shit.”

  “Except it’s about you,” Mia said, her voice soft, but full of caution. “I don’t like watching this either, but maybe it’s news about the football game. You might want to plan about how you’re going to deal with that now, while you still can.”

  “Whatever,” I said, annoyed that she was still watching. I didn’t listen, but I could hear that irritating girl’s voice — she mentioned the Renegades, she mentioned my name, she mentioned something about “ my playboy days being over”, whatever that was meant to be.

  “Wait, what is this about?” I sat up, asking Mia to rewind.

  She had a hard look on her face. It must have been about her and me. I leaned over to see her screen.

  Fiona broke the story of how Mia had moved in with me. There were paparazzi-style photos of her and me kissing. That had to be recent, because the only time I could think of us sitting down on the couch next to the big windows of the living room facing out was… Thursday.

  Thursday was yesterday.

  People were staking out my house, trying to get some bullshit gossip news story.

  This made me so fucking mad.

  “Playboy days are over…” Mia repeated, looking up at me. “So we’re public now in a way that we weren’t before. Back then people were just guessing about me, but they didn’t really care. Now I’m Bryant Howard’s mystery
roommate he’s been photographed kissing.”

  I shook my head. “These videos are all bullshit. She doesn’t know anything.”

  Mia raised an eyebrow, looking up at me. I was still naked, but she was already wearing her dress again, even with her bra and panties still on the floor. “I mean… you’re not a playboy anymore, right?”

  I didn’t respond.

  “I need you to answer this for me, Bryant. I really want to know how you feel. I want to know how you feel about me. I know we’ve only been doing this for such a short time, but I’ve got feelings for you. And I’m here for you, you know I am. We’re moving really fast, and I’m scared. So I need a little bit of reassurance.”

  There was no easy way of saying this. “I don’t know how to answer.”

  “It’s such a simple question. Do you want to be with me?”

  “Yeah, sure I do,” I said, even though there was just enough doubt in my voice to make her immediately look disappointed.

  She tensed up. “This sounds like there’s a big ‘but’ waiting to be said.”

  “I’m not like other guys, okay, Mia? I can’t promise these things. Girls will throw themselves at me. I don’t want to be with them… now. But I don’t know what I’ll feel two weeks from now. Or a month. Or next year. I don’t want to make any promises I can’t keep, I don’t want you to think I’m some kind of bad guy for not knowing what my future will look like.”

  She shook her head. “You don’t get to say that, Bryant. If you want to be with me… then just be with me. I know you don’t want us to have labels or anything, but I’ve gone deep with you here. You don’t have to be scared. Just go deep with me too.”

  Matters of the heart like this were not something I spent a lot of time talking about. If it was just sex, yes, I could understand. I could definitely promise that I wanted to keep having sex with her. Hooking up with Mia felt amazing, it was definitely the best I’ve ever had.

  But tying myself to someone who I knew could leave me… I had no idea if I was ready for that.

  “My life is complicated, Mia,” I said, hoping to leave it at that.

  She was too stubborn to take that as an answer. “So what? I saw that today. If it’s your dad, well… I feel sorry for him, because he’s going to have to deal with me. And I’m ready to fight. I’ve always been a fighter. I fought you for years, Bryant. I just want to know what’s in your heart.”

  “I don’t even know what’s in my heart,” I said, wishing there was some way I could show her that I wasn’t being shady — I truly meant that I had no idea how I felt, and making promises was something I really hated to do.

  When she told me she was scared, I almost blurted out the first thing that came to my mind. That I felt like I was possibly falling in love with her. But how would I even know if that was true? And if I showed my cards now and fell flat on my face, what next?

  It didn’t even matter to me if she was going to say that she was in love with me either. I just couldn’t handle anything, not after this evening. I tried so hard to protect all the people I cared about… but I couldn’t guarantee that.

  Mia would just be disappointed with me. Just like she was right now.

  And then she’d leave. By the time she did that, I’d have just made mistake after mistake, and there was no way to fix it — or even see the problems until it was too late.

  “Well, I want you to know something. It’s serious,” Mia said. “I’m falling in love with you, Bryant. I love you. I really do.”

  I paused. What was I supposed to do? Say it back? I had never said those words to anyone other than my family members.

  And my family members were all fucked up by the one man they looked up to and loved, too.

  “You won’t say it, then,” Mia murmured softly.

  She sighed, and I looked away.

  I wasn’t willing to just gamble on everything and tell her I felt like I was falling in love now, too. What if I was wrong?

  I’d be breaking her heart.

  After breaking Sam’s heart, and feeling nothing over that… I wanted to change. I wanted to be someone I could be proud of.

  But that didn’t matter to Mia right now.

  She stood up and gathered her things. “Sorry. I should probably get home.”

  “Let me drive you,” I offered, limply.

  She shook her head. “That’s going to hurt too much. I’ll just get a cab.”

  I didn’t say anything. It wasn’t even like I didn’t have the energy to do that.

  I just felt too depressed. Again, I was right. Mia was leaving.

  People always left.

  21

  Mia

  The next direct flight back to school was on a Sunday. I was taking that one, I couldn’t miss my Monday classes too.

  The only problem was that I knew Bryant was on that flight as well.

  It wasn’t like I was avoiding him, but I definitely was reeling from the surprise that he had been so… open about his doubts about us.

  Was there even an ‘us’? Had there ever been.

  I spent Saturday trying my best to forget everything, staying in with my family. I woke up early, made breakfast for everyone, even as Dad woke up early and joked that he could smell the burning from upstairs.

  Hey, it was just eggs with burnt toast. I also made pancakes, repeating a simple recipe my mom had taught me.

  Gene and Mom came downstairs too, and for a second, everyone ignored the pain they had in their lives, happy to just enjoy a simple weekend breakfast with the family reunited.

  But it didn’t last.

  Mom asked me how dinner went at Bryant’s mom’s place.

  I simply shook my head. “Don’t really want to talk about it, Mom. I’m sorry.”

  Dad understood. “These things are difficult, Mia. But if anybody out there is strong, it’s you.”

  I moved on to a different topic. I told them I was going to be here the whole day, and I was happy to do whatever the family wanted to do. Gene was still all bruised up, so he didn’t want to leave the house. Mom and Dad were going shopping for gardening tools, which didn’t really excite me that much.

  It turned out people were capable of having lives after I left. It made me feel a little sad, but on the other hand, I was glad they were able to fill my absence with hobbies and interests of their own.

  So I just spent my time trying to be the best daughter and sister I was, helping around the house, doing chores, not keeping myself locked up in my room.

  With nobody free, I ended up asking Regina if she wanted to have coffee.

  The problem was that she worked Saturdays, so I had to catch her after her shift — which would be after closing.

  She promised I could at least have a drink on her. We met at a bar that didn’t look too carefully at the patrons’ ages, but even so, it didn’t feel too shady. This was Regina’s usual sort of haunt.

  “No boyfriend tonight?” I asked her.

  She raised an eyebrow. “Could’ve asked you the same thing.”

  “No, he’s not my boyfriend,” I sighed.

  “But you don’t know if you want him to be, either,” Regina instantly caught on. “Sounds like you’re in some seriously complicated territory. But are you the complicated one, or is he?”

  I shrugged. She got us margaritas, and we were sipping them down pretty fast. They were strong.

  “Part of me was ready to look past all the suspicions I had about him. I know he’s a good guy. I know I was wrong about a lot of things about him. But I’ve always had pretty strong intuition, and if something about him tells me there’s something off… I should listen to it,” I told Regina.

  She smiled at the bartender, instantly getting his attention. We got another round of margaritas. Her smile was enough to get us a couple of tequila shots on the house, too.

  “Well… sometimes you can be sure about these things, and still be wrong,” Regina said, looking sure. “If he’s got a problem, maybe you should he
lp him. But maybe it’s also too big for you to help, not unless he sorts it out first.”

  “I told him I was in love with him.”

  Regina was impressed. “Wow, that’s… intense. What, is he freaking out just because of that? Typical.”

  I shook my head. “No, it’s not like that. I think he has feelings too, but they’re so deep inside him that he’s afraid to really let himself feel them. He’s not unemotional, though. He’s just got his issues. And it’s his family at the heart of it. I think he sees himself as this broken guy who has some sort of responsibility to be everyone’s protector.”

  “That’s masculinity for you,” Regina sighed, knocking her tequila shot against mine before downing it, without even waiting for me. “Jesus, these guys really want to get us drunk.”

  “Look around. We’re the only people here who aren’t middle-aged Irish guys,” I laughed. “You pick weird places, Regina.”

  “The weirder the place, the better they are to me.” She turned to the bartender. “Fantastic shot. I’ll love you forever if you gave us a tray of that.”

  “On you or on the house?” countered the bartender, a handsome older guy who looked like he was an actor back in the day.

  “No way. On the house, of course,” Regina grinned, leaning forward, giving him an eyeful of cleavage. “This doesn’t ever get old, right?”

  The bartender laughed. “My God, you’re right, it never does. Coming right up, gimme a sec.”

  I laughed, looking at Regina. “I’m flying pretty early tomorrow. I don’t want a hangover.”

  “Well, you’re getting one anyway,” Regina said, laughing along with me. She took a peek at my margarita. “You need to drink that faster. Your second round’s already here.”

  I glanced around the room, almost hoping that Bryant would show up. Of course he didn’t know I was here, but deep down, I just wanted him to be around for me, make me feel safe again.

  That was going to be hard after the conversation we had. He got so distant so easily. Was it just because of his dad?