The Inner Struggle: Beginnings Series Book 7

by Jacqueline Druga

  “Have you ever?”

  Ellen grunted slightly. “You’re missing my point. I know you needed me. Just because Frank is in the picture doesn’t take me away from you. It’s a different world now, Dean, and you’ve said it before. You can’t have someone all to yourself. ”

  “Don’t.”

  “Excuse me?”

  “Don’t do that. Don’t justify being with Frank while you have an understanding with me as it being a different world now. Don’t do that, because you know damn well it will always be that way. You’re using the male-female ratio as an excuse because you can’t make up your mind. And it’s perfect for you Ellen.” Dean started working.

  “How can you say that? There are so many more men than women in this community, in this world. All of us women are like this. Dean, I can’t let those I care about be alone. I can’t. As a friend, it’s my duty.”

  “No Ellen,” Dean snapped his view to her, “it’s your fantasy.”

  Ellen brought her hand up and slammed it down hard on the counter. “I will not forgive you for that remark. I won’t.” She backed away. “You’re the last one I expected to hear that from. I come in here trying Dean, trying to make things right with you. With all the shit that we’ve gone through, you have never treated me like this. Ever. This is not you. If you losing your sight is making you get like this, then I don’t want you.” She began to leave. “Contrary to what you think, I don’t deserve this. Never in my life did I expect for you to be this way with me.” She turned and walked to the door.

  “And never in my life did I ever expect to need you so much.” Dean watched Ellen stop, turn around and walk back in. “I don’t want to be like that. Being dependent on someone is not me. I’m so scared that there will be a time that I’ll need you and you will turn around and walk out because Frank beckons.”

  “Dean,” Ellen spoke softly, “you have to believe . . .”

  “Ellen.” Joe’s sudden entrance in the lab halted their conversation. He didn’t sound his annoying self. He sounded upset.

  Ellen looked at him. “Joe, what’s wrong?”

  He shook his head as he stepped further in. “Are you headed home, I mean, to Frank’s?”

  “I was, why?”

  “Could you go there now so you can be there for a while before your little meeting tonight? Frank needs you.”

  “Is it real important, Joe? Dean and I are talking,” Ellen said.

  “I think so. He’s not handling this well. He’s . . . he’s drinking, Ellen.”

  “Shit.” Ellen closed her eyes and twitched her head.

  Dean gave her a ‘it figures’ look and stood up. “Go on Ellen. Frank needs you.”

  “Joe.” Ellen turned back to him. “Can’t he handle the baby? Is he in pain? Why is he drinking?”

  Joe looked at her confused. “What do you mean? I think you know why. It’s got him down.”

  “What?” Ellen tossed her hands up.

  “Didn’t Dean tell you? He was supposed to tell you.” Joe asked. “Three of our men died an hour ago. Greg . . .” Joe’s voice dropped. “Greg was one of them.”

  Immediately Ellen’s eyes seared Dean’s way. “If you want to shut me out of your life Dean, you do that. But don’t you dare shut me out of our work.” Her hand moved about. “I’m fighting this virus right along with you. I’m not your flunky. I needed to know our men died, not just because it affected my work, but because it affected me. If it was your responsibility to tell me, you failed me. Like you think I failed you. If you wanted to prove your point that I’d walk away from you, you just did.” She stepped from her closeness to him. “Because I am walking away from you. Frank needs me.” She grabbed the door to the lab. “Joe, I really think you should consider putting me somewhere else in this community. From this moment on, I refuse to work with him.”

  Joe hunched some when the lab door slammed violently upon Ellen’s exit. “Oh boy.”

  Dean slid his hand down his face as he watched that door. “I can think of a less ‘G’ rated comment to say at this moment.”

  “I could too, but I was being polite.” Joe began to leave also. “Dean, let me tell you something. You and Ellen are part of a team. You have to work together as a team. You not telling her about Greg is not the way to do that. Now what you’re working on isn’t simple shit. It’s vital, very vital. If you can’t put your personal feelings aside and work together, then I will go against everything I believe and I will separate the two of you. Because you can only beat this as a team, and if you aren’t going to work that way, then you will never beat this thing. For two days I have ignored this shit, but that is two days of progress you have lost. If it isn’t settled by tomorrow, then I suggest you figure out who suits you better to work with because this community is at stake and it doesn’t deserve to have its life hinging on whether or not you’re getting along with Ellen at the moment. Got that?”

  Dean closed his eyes. “I got that.”

  “Good.” Joe pulled on the door which was actually stuck after Ellen’s brutal exit.

  “Oh Joe?”

  “Yeah Dean?” He paused in his leaving.

  “Maybe you should talk to Godrichson about putting aside his Regressionator work so we can use his skills as a scientist in . . . in my lab. He’s not immune so I’ll have to have him work with it on the computers but I’ll need him.”

  Sadly Joe placed his hands in his pockets and looked upon Dean “If that’s how you feel.”

  “That’s how I feel.”

  “I’ll speak to Godrichson. You can start training him tomorrow.” Joe walked from the lab but didn’t get too far before he walked back in. “This is a mistake on your part. I only hope it’s not a mistake this entire community has to pay for.”

  Dean felt Joe’s words still lingering around even after he had left. Dean knew so much was happening to him, the virus, his sight, and he felt so out of control. He didn’t want to be out of control, but he just didn’t know what to do about it or handle it and that didn’t help him, it only made matters worse.

  <><><><>

  “Frank?” Ellen called out his name softly as she walked into the house. “Frank?”

  “In the kitchen.”

  Taking a breath first, Ellen shut the door. Joe’s word’s that Frank was drinking raced in her mind. She visualized him with a bottle of moonshine half gone in his hand. She paused briefly in her stride to the kitchen to check on a sleeping Nick and Brian. “Frank?”

  “Hey, El.” So down Frank sounded as he stopped what he was doing and took a second to kiss her on the cheek. “You’re back early.”

  “I’m sorry about Greg.” She couldn’t help it, her eyes shifted for the bottle. “I’m sorry about your men.” She moved to him.

  “I . . . I don’t want to talk about it. O.K.?” He looked at her gently then moved by her. “I’ll get the chair so you can do your thing to my burns.”

  “Sure Frank I’ll . . .” She saw it the glass. It was partially full and she knew it wasn’t water. Was it on its first fill or had he refilled it more than once. “Frank, it’s a little early in the day to be drinking.”

  SLAM! The chair smacked the linoleum. “Drop it, El.”

  Ellen huffed and turned to the bandages and supplies that he had on the counter waiting. “Man, the fuckin men in my life and the way they talk to me.” She shook her head and turned on the water to fill up the basin.

  “I’m sorry.” Frank walked up behind her. “I really am. Go ahead.” He laid his hand on his shoulder while talking to her back. “Yell at me. Yell at me for snapping and yell at me for drinking too early.”

  Ellen reached up her hand to his. “Let’s just change these bandages.” She faced him. “Sit.”

  “You’re mad.”

  “Frank just sit. O.K.?”

  “All right.” Not taking his eyes off of her he sat down in the chair and removed his shirt.

  “Where are the bandages?”

  “I took them off.�
�

  “Frank, you know they aren’t supposed to come off until tomorrow.”

  “One day. What difference does it make? They got on my nerves.”

  Ellen shook her head with a slight smile as she began to clean the area around his neck. “These are healing nicely.” She leaned in closer. As she did, she felt him moving. “What are you doing?” She kept working.

  “Reaching for my drink.”

  “Don’t reach for your drink, Frank.” Extending her arm out, she blindly dropped the cloth in the sink and grabbed the ointment.

  “Can I reach for something else?”

  Occupied with applying the ointment, Ellen spoke as such. “What else are you going to reach for?”

  “Considering right now what’s really close.”

  Ellen shook her head slightly as she moved her fingertips to his chin. “Yeah, this is really looking good.”

  “El,” So softly he spoke her name.

  Why? Why did her stomach twitch when she felt his warm breath brush against her cheek while she leaned into him. She swallowed the lump that formed in her throat. “I uh . . I’ll say it again. What your poor body doesn’t go through.”

  “It’s not that bad, is it?” More whispering, he talked to her.

  “No.” Another swallow and she closed her eyes as his nose lightly touched her. “There’s nothing bad about your body at all, Frank.” Her eyes instinctively opened when she felt him getting up. Her views went from his face to his neck, to his chest as he stood to his feet staying so close.

  “El.” Frank slid his hand from her arm to her neck, then cupped her face between both of his hands and tilted her head back. His fingers spread out pushing away her hair and pulling her closer to him. Then instead of kissing her at that moment like he wanted to, Frank brought Ellen to his chest and held her in an embrace, resting his head on top of hers, as he slowly let his body feel against hers.

  Ellen brought in the scent of him, the warmth of Frank as she breathed in. There was something different about this embrace, more different than any one he had given to her in a long time. That became evident when she felt his cheek slide down her hair to her cheek and against her face as his lips moved to hers. So caught up in the fear she had of that moment of letting Frank kiss her, that the split second before their lips met, when Joe walked in with his ‘sorry to interrupt’ Ellen jolted back, not just a little but a whole body width worth of space. “Joe,” she spoke, surprised.

  “Sorry Ellen. Sorry Frank” he said with a tilted head and with an embarrassed look, he stepped back out of the kitchen. “I’ll just wait in the living room. I don’t want to spoil this for you.”

  Taking a long blink, Frank looked once more at Ellen then stepped back when his father left. “Did you want to try that again?”

  “Frank, I don’t think we . . .”

  “Nope, forget I asked.” Frank held up his hand with a smile then reached back for his drink he knew was there. “Moment’s gone anyhow.” His breath was heard loudly. He brought his glass to his lips and took a drink.

  “Frank.”

  “El.” He winked and gave her a peck on the cheek. “Let’s go hear what my father says will spoil what uh . . . what we shouldn’t have been doing in the first place.” Raising his eyebrows a few times he placed his hand on Ellen’s back and, holding his drink, led her out of the kitchen to the living room. “Dad, what’s going on?”

  Joe stood up from the couch. “That was fast.”

  “What?” Frank finished his drink and laid it on the end table. “You thought we’d have sex while you were in the next room? Please, we only do that when you’re in your office and Ellen’s in her little processing . . .ow.” He grunted as her hand back slapped him in the gut. “Room.” He cleared his throat. “What’s going on?”

  “I just left Dean.”

  “You’re right.” Frank crossed his arms. “The mention of Dean’s name would have spoiled it.”

  “This is serious Frank.” Joe looked at Ellen. “Dean . . . Dean . . . he no longer wants to work with you, Ellen. So starting tomorrow, Jason Godrichson will be assisting Dean in the lab.”

  Ellen felt pummeled. The news of it nearly made her fall over. “He said this to you, Joe?”

  “I’m afraid so. I’m sorry, Ellen, I am but I can’t take a chance. With both of you fighting, it could get in the way. Maybe in a few days or so things will calm down and he’ll see you should be working with him.”

  “No.” Ellen shook her head. “I have to sit.” Gliding her hand downward to the couch, she used it as support as she sat. “He really meant that?”

  Joe nodded solemnly.

  “I can’t believe it. I’m not a part of it anymore.” Her eyes told the truth of how upset she was. “I worked so hard, Joe, I really worked hard. He doesn’t want me there anymore?” she said in shock.

  “I’m sorry sweetheart.” Joe sat next to her and rested his hand on her knee. “Maybe he’ll see, in a little bit, how much he needs you and he . . .”

  “No!” Ellen stood up and ranted so unexpectedly and so bitterly. “I don’t care if he needs me. He can do it without me. All of it. Every aspect of his miserable life.” She stormed to the steps. “I refuse to ever help him again. How can he do this? How can he be like this?” She took the stairs. “We’ll see who needs who and who comes begging. I guarantee I won’t be the beggar.” She stopped mid steps. “Guarantee, Joe. He can kiss my ass for all I care!” Ellen let out a soft, high pitch growl and stomped the rest of the way up the stairs.

  Joe shook his head in disgust as he stood up. “This is ridiculous, really ridiculous.

  “Yes it is,” Frank agreed. “She acted like Alex stomping up the steps like that.”

  “No Frank, not that. This Dean and Ellen situation. Out of the blue they are at each other’s throat.”

  “Bound to happen,” Franks stated with fact.

  “Bound to happen? Why do you say that? They divorced and didn’t fight like that.”

  “What have I been saying all along? He’s got that little-man attitude,. She has that little-woman attitude and, just like the two toughest kids on the block are always bound to end up tangling, so are the smallest as well.” Frank picked up his glass and stared at its emptiness in disappointment.

  “None of this bothers you?”

  “Nope. Happiest day of my life them not working together anymore. Hell, I’m so fuckin happy I feel like singing.”

  “Good, I’m glad this makes you happy, Frank. Just don’t be so happy you feel like drinking.”

  “Nah.” Frank tilted his empty glass more knowing he was trying to hide the truth from his father and the truth was, for as much as he wanted to jump up and down in a gloating Frank manner, he wanted that drink even more. The fact that he couldn’t, made his desire for it even worse.

  <><><><>

  Henry made a crinkling face as his lips swished from one side of his face to the other. He looked at Ellen while he did this face, over and over.

  “You don’t like it?” she asked, sitting in the chair next to his bed.

  Henry held up one finger and placed another spoon full of the red substance into his mouth. Again he made the swishing face. “No.” He handed the bowl back. “It tastes like hot ketchup.”

  “It’s supposed to be tomato soup,” Ellen stated. “Trish made it.”

  “There you have it, El. Ever since they recreated ketchup, everything she makes is based with ketchup. Ask Jeff. All he does is complain.”

  “Well, what should I tell her, Henry? She wants to contribute that as the soup for the wedding.”

  “Let her. Don’t hurt her feelings.”

  “Oh, O.K.” Ellen set the bowl on the night stand. “It was a fun meeting tonight, Henry. The women went on and on about what they are going to do. In fact, Trish and Jenny said that Cole can stop by Miles City after his run and pick up the tuxes.”

  Henry coughed. “Tuxes?”

  “Oh sure. I have to wear a dress. You g
uys have to wear tuxes. I picked the wedding party since you kept changing the subject on me before the meeting.”

  “El, stop. Okay? This is all fun, but it’s fun and games. Each day that goes by this thing gets real. It’s real to them. How are they gonna feel when all their work is for naught?’

  “I told you, Henry, if it’s not us, it’ll be someone else. And … and I was thinking. I ran this by Frank. What if I spoke to Reverend Bob about secretly making it a mock ceremony.”

  “Sort of like what happened before only not an accident?”

  “Yes.”

  “No.” Henry shook his head. “Plan the wedding then we’ll have Frank run interference. The planning seems fun and you are getting close to Jenny.”

  “I am. It feels nice to be a part.”

  “Ok, back to the wedding. I’m afraid to ask. Who are your bridesmaids?” Henry asked.

  “Only two. I thought we’d go with an ‘original’ scheme. Jenny liked that. So, Andrea is one of them, and . . .” Ellen snickered. “Jenny is my, get this Frank will love it, my matron of honor.”

  “What?”

  “Yeah, yeah.” Ellen nodded with a smile. “Wait, it gets better. Frank is her partner because he’s best man. Joe is the other guy in your wedding party.”

  “Frank, the best man? No El, you can’t do that,” Henry said with concern. “That is so wrong.”

  “Why is that wrong? Is he not your best friend?”

  “Well sure he is but . . .”

  “Then he should be your best man,” Ellen spoke quickly. “Ben told Jenny that he’ll measure you guys and, as long as Cole picks sizes in the vicinity, he can tailor them to fit. I hope you’re not mad about Joe being in the wedding party.”

  “I’m still stuck on Frank.” Henry closed his eyes tightly. “It’s wrong to have him be the best man in our wedding. That is so wrong to do to him. It’s like rubbing it in his face even if it doesn’t happen.”