I caught sight of a couple in their later years struggling to get through the door of a shop. The woman had a cane to deal with and the man was carrying all of the bags. As he tried to get out the door, she grabbed for his arm to keep her balance. He dropped a bag and leaned down to get it. She stumbled forward. He was there to catch her.
“Be careful, Frederick!”
“I’m sorry. Maybe if we didn’t have to buy all of these things I wouldn’t have dropped the bag.”
“Oh, I’m sorry if eating is a problem.”
“Eating isn’t the problem, but we are only two people—why all of the groceries?”
“Really, Frederick, not this again.”
“I mean it. I’d be happy with peanut butter sandwiches.”
“I’m sure your sugar levels would be perfect after that.” She rolled her eyes.
I thought for a moment that I was about to witness the crumbling of romance. A moment later though, Frederick had her elbow gently grasped in his palm.
“Are you okay? Did you get hurt?”
“No, I’m fine. Here, I’m sure I can take a bag or two.”
“Not a chance, my love. I’ve got it.”
As the two walked down the sidewalk, I smiled just as much as I had when I’d noticed the young couple. Maybe that was the point. Maybe love wasn’t just one thing, or one way. Maybe it changed and grew just as much as we all did. If that was the case, it could look different to everyone. It was probably experienced differently by everyone.
I wasn’t going to find an example of the love I would have, because it didn’t exist yet. That was both empowering and a little scary. What if I never had it? What if there was no version of love for me? The thought hurt.
I was sure of one thing, I didn’t want to be alone for the rest of my life. If it meant that I really had to get out of my comfort zone and put myself out there, then that was what I would have to do. I was ready to change my life, but was life ready to change for me?
As I walked back toward my apartment, I noticed a man standing outside one of the shops. He stuffed his hands into his pockets and gazed at the passing traffic. He didn’t seem to be going anywhere or waiting for anyone. He was just standing there. The sight made me a little uneasy. Didn’t he have things to do? How could he just waste time standing and staring?
As I drew closer to him I noticed that he was humming a melody. It sounded sweet. Enchanted, I slowed and then stopped beside him. It took him a moment to even realize that I was there.
“Oh, excuse me, am I in your way?”
“No, I’m sorry. I was just listening to that melody you’re humming. It’s lovely.”
“Oh yes.” He laughed. “I forget that I’m doing that sometimes. It’s a special tune for me.”
“Can I ask why?” I didn’t question strangers often but his demeanor left me intrigued.
“It was the song at my wedding.” He rocked back on his heels and looked back at the traffic. “I like to hum it when I’m remembering.”
“Remembering?”
“Oh, you know—the better times. Sometimes I just take a few minutes out of my day and remember. It makes hard times a lot easier.”
I didn’t need to ask why times were so much harder. There was no wedding ring on his finger. Somehow the marriage he once valued had ended. Yet he could still use the memory of it as comfort to get through the day.
“Thanks for sharing with me.”
“No problem.” He returned to his memories.
I continued down the sidewalk. That was a kind of love too—the kind that lasted forever, even if one partner wasn’t there to share in it anymore. I didn’t want to just date someone, I wanted them to want to remember me for the rest of their lives. I wanted to be the good thing in their hard times. I wanted them to be the same for me.
It would be tough to find, I was sure, but I was up for the challenge.
Chapter 4
When I returned to my apartment I sat down at my computer again. Instead of trying to write more, I opened my e-mail. The last note I received from Blue was another vague promise that we would get together. That wasn’t enough for me. Not anymore. I sent him a reply.
Blue, we need to talk.
I stared at the screen. I waited for what in my mind was about two minutes and in reality was more like ten seconds. Then I typed another message.
Hello?
Are you there?
I normally have a policy that I will not send repeated e-mails or texts. I might have had a brief encounter with text addiction that landed me under my covers at three in the morning staring at the screen of my phone waiting for a text. However, today I didn’t mind sending multiple e-mails. I wanted his attention. I demanded it.
I was about to hunt down a meme about respect and what it means to me, when Blue sent back an e-mail.
What’s wrong?
I scrunched up my nose. What’s wrong?
I want to talk.
His response came back right away.
We are talking.
I rolled my eyes and tried not to take my frustration out on the keyboard.
I want to talk on the phone. How is it that we are planning to meet and I still don’t even have your phone number? I want to hear your voice. I want to know that you are actually there.
I realized that quite possibly I wasn’t making a lot of sense. I stared at the screen.
Several minutes went by before Blue finally e-mailed me back.
I’d been patient, as I expected that he was writing a very lengthy response that would account for the delay.
Instead I read a very short note.
I have a sore throat. Not up for talking. I’m sorry.
That was it. That was the final straw. I did not e-mail him back.
Yet again, he’d refused to give me any of his contact information. I felt foolish for asking in the first place. I was so upset that I was ready to shut down my e-mail account.
Then the guilt began to pile on top of me. Maybe he really wasn’t feeling well. Maybe I was being cruel to him when he needed compassion. That’s when it hit me. All of the canceled dates, all of the avoided phone calls, were changing me. They were turning me into someone I didn’t want to be anymore.
I walked back over to my computer and sat down again. There was another e-mail from Blue.
Samantha,
Are you upset? I thought you wanted to talk? Just tell me what’s going on. We can figure it out.
Blue
I began to type without even thinking about what to say first.
Dear Matthew,
I’m confused. You tell me that you want to meet me, that you have feelings for me and that I should trust you. Then you show me that you want nothing to do with me by ignoring my requests for phone calls, failing to show up for our dates, and making vague promises.
I think I’ve made it clear that I want you to be part of my life—my real life, not just my virtual life.
I can no longer be patient. I have waited long enough. If you truly want to be with me, then you will find a way to meet me. This is the last time I’m going to ask. I value you, Blue, and what we have together, but I have to value myself too.
You know how hard I’ve worked at making progress. I have no interest in going backward. I want to go forward. If you want to go forward with me, then we need to take the next step and meet.
Samantha
I stared at the e-mail. Should I send it? Had I said too much? Was I overreacting?
I decided to delete it. But when I went to click the delete button, I clicked send instead. An instant later the e-mail had gone out. My stomach twisted.
What would he think when he read it? Would he say that I was asking for too much? Would he just ignore it and never contact me again?
I stood up and began to pace back and forth. The anxiety that rattled my mind made me want to hunt down whoever invented e-mail and smack them. Why, oh why did I send that e-mail?
To my surprise I receive
d an e-mail back within minutes. I sat down and braced myself for what it might say.
Samantha,
It breaks my heart that you think I don’t value you, but I understand why you do. I’m sorry that I’ve been so neglectful. There is really no excuse for it. You tell me when and where. I will be there. No matter what.
Blue
It was short but to the point. I hoped that he meant it.
Now the pressure was on. I had to pick the place and time. If I gave him the benefit of the doubt in believing that he was sick, he would need a few days to recover. I decided to plan it for the following Saturday. It would give him plenty of time to feel better.
Blue,
Saturday night. La Villa. 7.
Samantha
I sent the e-mail before I could change my mind. Then I waited for the excuse.
Samantha,
I will be there. I won’t disappoint you again.
Blue
Chapter 5
After I read Blue’s response, I felt my whole body buzzing with excitement. Maybe it would finally happen. Maybe!
I jumped up out of my chair and began dancing around the living room. It didn’t matter to me that no music played. I didn’t need to hear it to dance to my own rhythm. As I was spinning and dancing I thought about what my life would be like with Blue in it. Maybe we would spend every minute we could together. Maybe we would curl up inside each other’s arms and never pull apart. My heart still raced as I gave up on dancing and plopped down on the couch. I flipped on the television to help settle my mind.
The movie appeared to be a romance. I smiled to myself and began to watch. Then I realized that the scene was about a woman being stood up.
“Ugh!” I flipped the channel.
“Yes, I thought I was in love once, but I was wrong. I’ve been alone ever since.” The elderly woman grinned into the camera. “Guess love isn’t for everyone.”
“Seriously?” I changed the channel again.
“This just in, Hollywood’s sweethearts are breaking up in a messy way. Everyone has something to say about it. With his reputation, she should have known better!”
“That’s it!” I turned off the television and tossed the remote down on the couch. I decided it would be better to try to go to sleep. At least then I wouldn’t be assaulted by stories of broken hearts.
I curled up in bed and closed my eyes. I wanted to feel excited about the date with Blue. Instead, my mind filled with all of the reasons why he might not show up. Who was I to demand that anyone meet me? All of my insecurities crept through the subtle cracks in the self-esteem I’d built up.
I tried to push them away with positive thoughts.
I am valuable. I am beautiful. I know that I am worthy of love. But all of those thoughts didn’t seem to do anything to combat the worry in my heart. If no one in my life had ever fallen in love with me before, why did I think it would be any different with Blue?
I flipped over in bed, as if changing sides might change my point of view. In the darkness of my room a tickle of loneliness threatened to burst my confident bubble. I thought of the young couple, so passionate and addicted to one another. I thought of the older couple, accustomed to each other’s quirks and still in love. I thought of the man alone on the corner, humming his wedding song.
Yes, there were many different kinds of love. Would I ever have my own?
I opened my eyes to the subtle song of a bird outside my window.
Okay, it was not that subtle, and it might have been a thump of the bird flying into my window.
I sat up and was struck by a wave of dread. It socked me right in the gut and threatened to knock me back down into bed. I should have been excited that I’d finally set a date with Blue. Instead, my mind filled with all of the reasons why he wouldn’t show. The most prominent reason: he didn’t want to.
No amount of reassurance shifted the inner dialogue that seized my mind.
I forced myself to roll out of bed. As I trudged into the kitchen, the weight of the world threatened to crush me. Instead of the buzz of happiness that I had experienced in the past, I braced myself for inevitable disappointment.
I was sure that if I continued to hope, Blue would disappoint me again.
As I obsessed about these thoughts, I battled the urge to eat to silence my feelings. I wanted to feel better, and a treat used to be a way to get me to that happy place. After all of the progress I’d made with my weight loss, I didn’t want to throw it away due to feeling inadequate.
“No way. I’ve got to get control of this.” I marched into my bedroom. The floor-length mirror on my wall displayed my reflection. “Sammy, you’ve worked hard. You’re not going to throw it away over a man’s opinion.”
I wanted to be inspired by my pep talk. I waited for that billow of pride that would remind me of how important my weight-loss journey was. Instead, dread washed over me yet again. It troubled me that Blue had such an influence on how I felt about myself.
Maybe that was the problem. Maybe I needed to remind myself that there were other options.
As the idea formed in my mind, a smidgeon of excitement perked up within me. I prepared a healthy breakfast and then sat down at my computer. I opened up the website of the online dating service I’d used a few months before.
Sure, Blue was the man that I wanted. But he wasn’t the only man out there. I could distract myself with potential matches and build my self-confidence at the same time.
Chapter 6
Since it had been so long, I needed to update my profile on the dating site. I was eager to change some things—like my body type and my career. But other questions were still a stumbling block for me. One in particular was difficult.
“What is your ideal mate?” I read the question out loud. That didn’t make it any easier to answer.
I didn’t really have any specifics when it came to looks. But I had a lot of requirements when it came to personality. I began typing in the best description that I could. I mentioned that I valued a positive attitude, supportive nature, and creativity. I added a few other things and then moved on in the profile.
When it came time to select physical characteristics, I realized I didn’t want to be picky. Just like I hoped a potential date would be interested in me and not how I looked, I wanted to do the same for him. I marked all categories and only limited the age range a little. I was ready to truly branch out and see who was out there looking to fall in love too.
As soon as I made my profile public again, my body jolted with enthusiasm. This was it. I was on the hunt. I felt a slight twinge of guilt for publicizing my profile with dinner plans in my future, but I no longer felt that sense of dread. If Blue came through then I would forget all about MatchMe. If he didn’t show up, I would at least have something to distract me from the heartbreak.
As I surfed through the profile pictures, I was impressed. The faces I saw smiling at me didn’t seem like strangers. To me, they were on the same journey—in search of love.
With this warmth filling my heart, I clicked on one of the profiles. As I read through the description that warmth started to disappear. The man I’d chosen had very particular interests that had nothing to do with personality. The graphic requests he made left me with a sick feeling in my stomach. I shut down his profile and sat back in my chair for a moment. I wasn’t sure if I wanted to risk clicking on another profile.
Was that what the online dating scene was now? All I wanted was the chance to get to know someone, but maybe that wasn’t the way it was done anymore.
I clicked on the profile of another man. He looked handsome and his description sounded much better than the last. I clicked on the box that showed I was interested.
As I began looking through a few more profiles, I did find a dud or two, but there were also some quality guys to choose from. Of course all I saw was what they wanted me to see on their profile. The next step was making actual contact.
That step didn’t take long though. I
started getting notifications of messages right away. As I read through them my hopes were dashed. There were quite a few requests for hook-ups. I had zero interest in that kind of connection. Then I came across a sweet message that asked for an opportunity to get to know me. I sent a note back that invited him to message back and forth with me. The more messages I received the more potential dates I accepted.
I could have spent all morning sitting in front of the computer browsing through profiles and responding to messages. Luckily, I had a breakfast date with Max to distract me from doing just that. I did, however, download the dating app onto my phone before leaving.
It was amazing to see how many men out there had an interest in meeting me. Of course I knew that some of them were less than genuine and some might even be dangerous, but with so many responses I was sure there had to be a handful of good guys in there.
As I walked into the restaurant, Max stood up from his booth and waved to me. I walked over and gave him a quick hug. When that familiar inkling of desire sparked, I reminded myself that I had plenty of other men to spark with.
“How are you this morning?” Max sat down across from me.
“Good. Excited.”
“About your date with Blue?” Max smiled. He pushed a menu across the table to me.
I picked it up and began looking through it.
“Sure. That should be fun.” I didn’t look away from the menu.
“So, that’s not what you’re excited about?”
“Not just that.”
“Then what?” Max pulled the top of the menu down slightly to look at me. “Do you have a surprise for me?”
“Maybe.” I laughed.
I decided on scrambled eggs. Once I had given my order to the waitress I turned back to Max. I opened my mouth to speak but before I could, my phone began chiming. I glanced at it to see that I had received several notes from men. I ignored them and put my phone back down.
“I think things are about to move in a positive direction for me.”
“Oh. Well, that’s good.” Max nodded.
Single Wide Female in Love Complete Bundle: Books 1-4 Page 2
