I noticed him staring at my phone. It chimed a few more times. I picked it up and looked at the screen. I was about to ignore it but the picture of one of the men drew my attention. One little tap and I was browsing his profile.
“Sammy?”
“Oh, sorry.” I put my phone down. “That was so rude.”
“It’s okay.” Max laughed. “But our food is here.” He gestured to the waitress who waited politely beside the table.
“I’m so sorry.” I blushed and sat back so that she could set my plate in front of me. I couldn’t remember the last time I had checked my phone in a restaurant.
Chapter 7
Once the waitress walked away, Max looked across the table at me.
“So tell me about this positive change.”
“Sure. It’s just that I need to get out more, you know?” I paused as my phone chimed again. I couldn’t resist. I picked it up and was about to look when Max snagged the phone right out of my hand.
“What are you hiding from me?” He grinned.
“Max!” I tried to snatch the phone back.
“I’m just taking a look.” He caught a glimpse of the screen of the phone. “Seriously?”
He handed the phone back to me with a funny look in his eyes. “You’re on MatchMe?”
“So?” I frowned. I didn’t mind Max snatching my phone. We didn’t have any real secrets. But I didn’t like the way he was looking at me.
“So, I thought you were with Blue?”
“Matt.”
“Right, Matt.”
“I’m not with anyone. How could I be with someone I’ve never met?” I shook my head. “We have a date planned, but I doubt that he’s actually going to show. I’m not going to let myself get disappointed when he doesn’t. I decided I wanted to see what was out there. If I’m going to find love, I have to go looking for it.”
“But MatchMe isn’t the place.” Max shook his head. “I’ve heard so many horror stories about that. Look, you have no idea who you are agreeing to meet, then you show up and you could be in real danger.”
“I have no idea who Blue is either.”
“That’s different. Haven’t you been talking to him for a while? I mean you must know him pretty well by now.”
“It’s not different.” I frowned. “The Blue I think I know wouldn’t keep canceling on me. Anyway, I’m not going to meet any of these guys. I’m just seeing what’s out there. If Blue shows for our date, then he shows and we’ll go from there. If not, I’m not waiting any more. I told him that too. There are other men in the world that want to be with me, that will make time for me, that will show up when they say they will.”
“Wow.” Max stared at me. “I didn’t know that you were that serious about finding love.”
“Shouldn’t I be?” I set my phone down. “Like my mother tells me all the time, I’m not getting any younger.”
“Oh, that’s crazy.” Max laughed. “You’ve got plenty of time, Sammy.”
“So what if I do, Max? What if I don’t want to wait that long?” I sighed. My patience was running thin. “I just want to be loved, Max. What’s so wrong with that?”
Max’s smile faded. “I understand that, Sammy.”
“Do you?” I frowned. “I know that dating comes so easy for you. But I don’t want to just date, I want to put my whole heart out there.”
“I think that’s a beautiful idea. I just don’t want to see you get hurt.” Max pointed to my cell phone. “If one of those men can make you happy, that’s great. They’re just going to have to go through me.”
I grinned. “I’m sure.”
“I mean it.” Max offered a stern look. “I retain veto power.”
“Oh really? I didn’t know we had that. I would have used it on that blonde that had the chihuahua!”
“Sparkles? Hey, the dog was pretty adorable.” Max laughed.
“He should have been named Sprinkles for what he did to your carpet.”
“Oh, I’d almost forgotten about that.” Max shook his head. “Thanks for the reminder.”
“We’ll see. Who’s to say that I’ll even meet anyone?”
The wind left my sails a bit as I glanced around the restaurant—lots of beautiful couples, lots of wedding rings and engagement rings.
“I’m sure you will. I just think you should try it out the old-fashioned way. Get to know somebody local. Meet people.”
I laughed. “And how am I going to do that, Max? You’re the only one who ever takes me out to dinner.”
“I’m not such bad company, am I?”
I smiled and did my best not to let him know that he was terrible company. Not because he wasn’t witty, or intelligent, or attentive, but because when I looked at him I thought of things I shouldn’t.
“Not at all.”
“Well, just promise me you’ll be careful.”
“I promise.”
After breakfast I took a stroll around the park. I made it a point each day not only to exercise, but to be around people. It helped me to get more comfortable with being seen. Too much of the past few years was spent trying to be invisible.
The park was dotted with dog walkers, moms with toddlers, and people feeding the squirrels. There wasn’t much to draw my attention. I could hear my phone chiming in my purse. I couldn’t resist any longer.
I cut my walk short and sat down on a bench. Then I began looking through the notifications from men interested in meeting me. A few that I connected with sent me messages. I read over them. One was flirty. I sent a playful quip back. He immediately responded with a kissy-face emoticon.
“Kissing already?” I laughed.
As I sent a message back my hopes lifted. No, this guy wasn’t Blue. He never would be. But he was someone who thought I was worth his time and attention. So far that put him in a better category than Blue.
I sent a few more flirty texts back and forth with him, then he said he had to go but would love to talk later in the day. I agreed. It felt good to look forward to a conversation with someone new.
Blue knew just about everything there was to know about me. He’d been reading my blog ever since I started it. He knew about my struggles as I checked off items on my bucket list. In some ways that was a wonderful thing. In other ways, maybe it wasn’t. If he didn’t know so much about me, he might make more of an effort to actually meet me.
Chapter 8
I left the park with mixed feelings about what to expect next.
When I arrived home, I headed straight for my computer. For the first time in months I did not check my e-mail right away. Instead, I logged into MatchMe to tweak my profile. Once I was done with that, I checked my e-mail.
When I saw an e-mail from Blue, I expected he intended to cancel the date. I clicked on the e-mail and gritted my teeth.
Samantha,
I’m really looking forward to our date. I hope that you are too. I know that I’ve been more than a little elusive. I’m sorry if that’s made you feel insecure about me. You astound me every day with your insights and determination. I only wish that I could be half as brave as you. You may not realize how much you inspire me, but you do.
I have a lot to tell you when we get together. I know you’ve been waiting for some answers to some questions, and I plan to give you those answers. Thank you for being so patient with me while I sort through some things. I can’t wait for us to finally take the next step.
Blue
The first time I read the e-mail I was flooded with warmth and desire. To hear Blue’s opinion of me was a huge compliment. However, I could not overlook the fact that it was still very vague. A part of me wondered if he had somehow seen my profile on MatchMe. The thought worried me and at the same time I hoped it was true. Maybe he would see that I was serious and manage to make it to our date this time.
I read over the e-mail again. At least it wasn’t a cancellation. But it was a reminder that Blue kept things from me. What were his secrets? Was he a spy? I laughed a little
at the idea. There were so many things that I could imagine. But I didn’t want to imagine any more. I wanted to know the truth. Once and for all I wanted to be able to push forward with our relationship. As much as I wanted to believe that he wanted that too, I couldn’t bring myself to. I just didn’t want to be disappointed again.
“Try to keep your heart open, Sammy.” I sighed. “Maybe, just maybe, this time it will happen.”
I rested my hand against my chest just over my heart. Part of my journey had been learning to love myself again; the other part had been learning to accept love from others. I still struggled with both.
With so much emotion racing through me, I was ready to do some writing. I spent most of my afternoon doing just that. I did not respond to Blue’s e-mail. I wanted him to sweat it out a bit. I knew that playing games was not like me, but I also wanted to make a point.
After I’d written a quite a bit, I took a break to prepare lunch. As I danced through the kitchen putting together my meal, my phone chimed. I nearly dropped my salad in my rush to get to it. I hoped it was a message from the man on MatchMe. Instead it was an alert about an e-mail from Blue.
Did you get my last e-mail?
I smiled a little. “Aha, so now you’re the one demanding attention.” I sent a quick response back.
Yes, I did.
I nodded. That should be vague enough. His response was swift.
Are you upset with me?
The question melted my heart. In my mind, Blue didn’t care. That was why he broke all of our dates. But what if that wasn’t the case? What if he did care and I was toying with his emotions?
I could never be upset with you. Thank you for the e-mail. It meant a lot to me. I am looking forward to our date too.
I sent the e-mail and then put my phone down. I knew if I continued to e-mail back and forth with him I would end up asking him questions that he wasn’t ready to answer. I would do my best to be patient.
I tried to focus on my work, but every time I slipped into the role of my main character to write a chapter or two, I felt such a deep longing for that kind of love in my real life that it bled into my words. I had to delete several passages, because I was determined that the heroine of my story would never be that desperate. Instead of being able to move forward as I’d hoped, I found myself stuck in the same paragraph of text.
As my date with Blue drew closer, my insecurities were spiking all over the place. So Blue had agreed to the date, but only because I’d threatened him. Was it fair of me to force him into something that he obviously wasn’t ready for? I felt like an emotional mess. I wasn’t going forward, I was going backward. I needed to get my head back in the right place again.
One of the best ways I’d found to ground myself was yoga. It was my go-to to get my body limber and get my mind relaxed.
I particularly enjoyed the five breaths I took in each pose. It sounded silly to me at first when the teacher instructed me not to forget to breathe. Who could forget to breathe? Then I found myself holding my breath, not just when I was doing yoga, but throughout my day. I would hold my breath without even realizing it when I was tense or stressed. I started to pay attention to my breathing process rather than neglecting it.
I needed to come up for air.
Chapter 9
When I arrived at the yoga class I was relieved to see some familiar faces. I’d let a few of my good habits fall by the wayside after shifting careers. It had been a few weeks since I’d been to the class. My body showed it, when I joined in. It was stiff and unyielding. It took a good warmup to get it to begin to cooperate.
As we were moving through the positions I felt my body heating up. Even though there wasn’t a lot of cardio in this particular class, it was always a workout for me. The toning had done wonders for my midsection.
As I lifted my leg back and up into the air, I released a heavy breath. It was nice to remember that my body was capable of more than I realized. My mind drifted as I held my position. I tried to direct myself toward peaceful thoughts, but instead I thought of all of the connections on MatchMe waiting for me to look at.
My leg began to throb. I opened my eyes to see that everyone else was in lotus position. I had missed a few transitions. As I hurried to catch up, I lost my balance and ended up in the belly-flop position—which was not an actual position.
“Samantha, are you okay?” The woman beside me looked like she was trying to hide a smile.
Most of the other students in my class were familiar with my clumsy tendencies.
“I think so.” I grinned at her.
“Don’t worry. We all get a little lost in our heads sometimes. It’s hard to keep the balance.”
At first I thought she meant my physical balance, but as the teacher walked us through a few minutes of meditation, I realized that what I’d lost was not my physical balance as much as it was my mental balance. When I decided to throw myself headlong into finding love, I’d forgotten most of what I’d learned. Yes, I could hunt for love. But falling in love wasn’t who I was. It wasn’t all of me.
“Thanks for the reminder.” I smiled at her.
“The universe speaks to you if you listen.” She winked at me. “Of course sometimes it says get the heck out of the way. That’s what it’s been telling me lately.”
“Really?” I laughed. “How do you know?”
“I made plans. I ironed out each step I would need to take in order to succeed. Then I took the first step. I got slapped with the flu so hard that I was out of commission for a week. I recovered and took the next step. My family got spun around by a crisis and I had to focus all of my energy there. Once that was settled, I took the next step. I literally walked into a brick wall because I was so busy texting someone about the business on my phone.”
“Wow, that sounds like something I would do. In fact I’ve probably done it a few times.”
“Well, I was pretty frustrated. I felt like everything was against me succeeding. I was angry and stressed. I was snapping at my family, isolating myself from my friends—I even stopped meditating. I was totally out of balance and didn’t even know it.”
“Sounds familiar.” I grinned. “What did you do?”
“It just hit me one day that if it was this hard, I didn’t want it. I was losing myself in my desire to make it happen. I let go of the idea and I refocused on my inner life. A few days later the business partner I had planned to work with admitted that she didn’t want to do it either and had planned to pull out. A day or so after that, a brand new opportunity presented itself that worked much better for me. The entire time, I had wasted so much energy trying to force something to happen that was never going to happen.” She laughed as she shook her head. “I look back on it now and feel pretty embarrassed about my behavior.”
“But you couldn’t have known.” I frowned.
“Maybe not, but if I had stayed in balance and listened to my instincts I might have saved myself a lot of grief.” She picked up her yoga mat. “I guess the point I’m trying to make is that if you’re trying to force something, it’s probably not the path to take.”
I thought about her words after I left the class. Life appeared to have a simple formula. Make a plan. Go for it and achieve it. But I’d had many experiences that proved otherwise. Maybe she was right about not forcing things.
Was that what I was doing with Blue?
Chapter 10
The next day I decided to check in on my friend Anisa at Fluff and Stuff. She’d been the manager for some time and I was sure that she was getting the hang of it. The truth was that I missed the place and wanted to stop in. I was hoping that it would help get me back into balance. Even though I enjoyed being a writer, there was something therapeutic about the smell of laundry soap and the whir of the washing machines.
When I opened the door to Fluff and Stuff, I was greeted by that familiar scent. A very strong scent. And very loud whirring. I opened my eyes to see suds floating all over the floor. Anisa brandished a mop
as she battled the flow of water. Three of the washing machines trembled so hard that they moved out of their position against the wall.
“Anisa, what happened?”
“Samantha! You’re like a laundromat superhero! How did you know I was in trouble?”
I laughed and shook my head. “I didn’t, but it sure looks like you could use a hand.”
“I can’t get to the machines to shut them off.”
“I’ve got it!” I jumped up on top of a dryer and then made my way across a few more machines to the offending washers. I felt particularly limber after my yoga class. I also did feel a bit like a laundromat superhero. I was much more than just a woman waiting to fall in love. I could conquer great sloshing beasts!
I turned off the washing machines, though that didn’t stop the flow of water immediately. I stood on top of one of the machines as if it were a mountain I’d climbed.
“Anisa, you are saved!”
Anisa laughed as she looked at me. “My hero!”
I jumped down from the washing machine and nearly slid across the floor. As my arms cycled through the air frantically in an attempt to regain my balance I laughed out loud at the situation.
“Some hero!”
Anisa came to my rescue and grabbed my arm to steady me. Once I had my footing, I grabbed a mop to help her.
“Oh, Samantha, you don’t have to do that. It’s my mess.”
“It’s no problem. I could use a little distraction.” As we worked on getting the water and suds out of the laundromat she filled me in on her recent adventures.
“So, I’m pretty sure we’re going to get married!” She grinned as she looked at me.
“Wow! Congratulations, Anisa!” I hugged her tight.
“Thanks. I didn’t think I would take the plunge, but it’s amazing how my mind changed after I met him.”
I smiled fondly at the thought. That knowledge that you wanted to spend the rest of your life with someone was something I had felt before. I still felt it. First with Max, then with Blue. I could understand why with Max—he was my rock and my biggest fan.
But Blue—I hadn’t even met him. Maybe I needed to be a little more realistic about my feelings for him.
Single Wide Female in Love Complete Bundle: Books 1-4 Page 3
