“Yes?” I smiled.
“I’m sorry, I don’t mean to disturb you.” She looked past me at Max. “I just wondered if I could talk to you for a moment.”
“Max, I’ll catch up with you, alright?”
“Sure.” Max nodded and jogged up the beach.
Once we were alone, I turned back to the woman.
“I’m Samantha.”
“Oh, I know who you are.” Her cheeks grew dark with blushing.
“You do?” I raised an eyebrow. “Have we met before?” I was feeling slightly confused because I really couldn’t place the women’s face.
“Not exactly. This is going to make me seem like a stalker…my name is Jenny, and I’ve been following your blog for a long time.” Her eyes widened. “I’ve bought your books and I recognized you from your picture. I couldn’t believe it at first—that it was really you.”
“Jenny, you’re one of my readers?” My smile spread wide. “Wow, what a coincidence that we would both end up on the same beach in the same yoga class.”
“I know, it’s crazy. I wasn’t going to say anything, but I thought maybe there was a reason we were both here. You know?”
“Oh, sure. Maybe we were meant to meet each other.”
“Maybe.” She lowered her eyes.
“Is something wrong?”
“It’s just that I’ve been following your blog for a long time. I admire you more than I could ever say. But I can’t seem to get my head together the way that you did. You seem so confident and comfortable in your body. But, it was terrifying for me to come out on the beach just in this.” She gestured to her yoga pants and t-shirt.
There was nothing about the outfit that exposed her, and yet I knew exactly what she meant. There’d been many times that I’d felt naked despite being fully clothed, just because I tried something new—something that I hadn’t thought I could do.
“Jenny, trust me, it took me a long time to get my head together too, and to be honest, I didn’t do it alone. I did it with the support of some very good friends.”
“I guess maybe that’s the problem—I don’t have a lot of support.”
“You know, I didn’t think I had much when I started either. But sometimes if you ask for it, you can find it. Taking classes is a great way to start because the teachers and other students are usually very supportive.”
“You’re right. I haven’t tried that yet. Thanks so much for the advice. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve read your blog and wished that we could just have a cup of coffee and chat.”
“That’s a good idea.” I smiled. I needed some ideas to get the latest book of my B.I.G. Girls Club moving, and I thought Jenny would be the perfect subject. “Why don’t we get some coffee?”
“Really? It wouldn’t be a bother?” Her eyes widened.
“Not at all. I’ll meet you at the little cafe on the corner in twenty minutes, alright?”
“Great, I’ll see you then.”
As I walked away my heart felt as open and wide as the sea, just like the instructor had mentioned. It was invigorating to reconnect with the entire reason I’d decided to pursue writing. I really could reach more people than I’d ever imagined.
When I caught up with Max in the bungalow, he already had the shower running.
“I’d ask you to join me but I don’t think I’m even going to fit in this thing.” He scowled at the narrow shallow stall. The showerhead released water in a sprinkle. “Do you want to get in first?”
“That’s okay, I’ll take one in a little while.”
“That class really wore me out. That, and I wasn’t ready to wake up.” He yawned.
“Why don’t you take a nap? I’m meeting someone for coffee anyway.”
“What do you mean you’re meeting someone for coffee?” He laughed. “Who do you know here?”
“Remember that woman from this morning? Her name’s Jenny. She follows my blog. I’m just going to have a quick cup of coffee with her and give her a pep talk.” I smiled.
It meant a lot to me that I could reach out to someone who was in the same situation that I’d once been in.
Chapter 15
“Wait a minute. Is this a honeymoon or a work trip?” Max shook his head. “I know how important your work is, but we don’t have a lot of time left. If I’m going to take a nap, I want to take it with you, or at least know that you’re nearby. Is that strange?”
“No, it’s not strange.” I smiled at him. “It’s sweet, and I agree with you. I want to spend all of my time with you too. But this will only be twenty minutes tops.”
“You know I don’t even think it’s really about the coffee.” He sighed. “To be honest, I feel like work has crept into this trip. First it was the formatting of your book, and now you’re doing personal consultations.” He frowned. “I just wanted this to be time for us.”
“I understand that, Max. It’s really hard for me to turn work off, because it’s more like a lifestyle for me than a job. Do you know what I mean?”
“I guess I don’t. I go to work and come home. I don’t know what it’s like to have my profession be a part of my every moment.”
“Is it such a bad thing?” I cringed. “I mean, it’s only part of every aspect of my life because it’s my passion.”
He laughed a little. “It’s hard to get passionate about computer tech, trust me. Although some of the people I work with are; I don’t know why. I guess it does worry me a little bit—that you never seem to be able to turn it off. I don’t want you to get burnt out.”
“What do you mean I never turn it off?”
“You’re always looking for a new chapter to write, or a new experience to share. Which is great—don’t get me wrong—but if you’re always thinking and looking, are you ever really experiencing? All of the things that we’ve shared so far—were you really there for them or were you just stuck inside your head plotting out the next few chapters of your book?” He lifted an eyebrow. “You say that you love your work, and I believe you, but there has to be room for our relationship in there somewhere too. I don’t want to worry about whether the way I tickled the curve of your neck is going to end up in some blog post, or that my opinion on a meal at a restaurant is going to be on someone’s bookshelf. I mean, we can’t even have our honeymoon without it being invaded.”
“Invaded?” I stared at him with wide eyes. “Max, I had no idea that you felt that way. I just thought that you supported what I do.”
“I’m sorry. Invaded wasn’t the right word. It came out wrong. Sammy, I do support your work. I do.” He sighed. “Of course I do. But does it have to be all you do? Does it have to be a part of every moment of our lives? I guess I’m trying to figure out where I fit into all of this.”
I tried to hear what he was saying. I tried not to react emotionally and to allow myself time to understand his words. But the hurt that spread through my chest was too intense. I’d married Max thinking that he might want to quit his job and work with me on my books. I thought that he was as passionate about my work as I was.
“You’re all of it. Don’t you see that, Max?” I met his eyes. “If I’ve let you feel left out, I’m sorry. But you’re part of every aspect of my day too. It’s hard to explain, but just like I’ll never be able to turn off how I feel for you, I could never turn off the work that I do.”
“I guess over time I’ll understand it more. I just don’t want us to lose sight of our marriage. I know it’s just started, but I want to make sure that we take care of it—of each other. I don’t want to wake up in five years and wonder how we drifted so far apart.”
“Oh Max, that will never happen.” I wrapped my arms around him and held him close against me.
How lucky was I that the man I married was so focused on making sure that our marriage was as healthy and happy as it could be? But it also revealed to me that he had some insecurities of his own.
“I promise, I’ll never let my work come between us. In fact, it’s what broug
ht us together in the first place, remember? I mean, if I hadn’t explored myself and grown as a person I’d still be holed up in my apartment fantasizing—” I gulped back my words. “I mean—longing for you.”
“No, wait a minute, tell me about this fantasizing again?” He tightened his arms around me. “Just how long did that go on for?”
“Wouldn’t you like to know?” I winked at him. “But my point is, that’s why I’m so passionate about this. Jenny isn’t just a fan. She’s a woman who, just like me, hasn’t figured out how to live her life to her fullest. I think the scariest thing to me is knowing how close I came to letting all of this—us, the love we share, my career, our future together—just pass me by. All because I didn’t believe in myself enough.”
“I know.” He rubbed one hand across the curve of my cheek. “I know you’re right, Sammy. Of course you should go meet with her.”
“Really? You’re not going to be mad?”
“We’re blending our lives. There are going to be some things I don’t like and some things you don’t like, but it’s not up to me to make decisions for you. If that’s what you feel you need to do, then that’s what you need to do.” He looked back at me. “And if you happen to feel that it’s important to be honest with your husband about past fantasies, then you know, I’m open to hearing about them.” He winked at me.
I laughed and shook my head. “You’re amazing, Max.”
“Better than the fantasy, or about the same?” He raised an eyebrow. “Because there’s always room for improvement.”
“Max!” I swatted his arm with a playful touch.
“I’m getting in the shower before the hot water runs out. Enjoy your coffee.” He smiled at me and then disappeared into the tiny shower stall.
Chapter 16
I thought about staying. I knew that Max wanted me to, even if he claimed to understand. But that would set the wrong standard. I had my priorities, and they didn’t always match up with Max’s. No matter how in love we were, we still had to retain our own personalities and desires. I’d seen too many women and men disappear into a relationship and regret it later.
As I stepped out of the bungalow, I wondered if Max would ever really want to work with me. I sensed that he had concerns about it. The way he avoided talking about it punctuated those concerns.
I walked through the streets between the large buildings to get to the cafe. I noticed an assortment of people gathered in one yard. There was a delicious scent of something cooking. The air was littered with laughter and squeals of children. Some of these people had shoes, some didn’t. Some had tattered clothes, some had newer clothes. No one cared. The yard they had gathered in was overgrown—not perfectly manicured. The house was small and in need of paint. But no one paid attention to that. They were simply happy to be where they were.
That was the attitude that I wanted. I wanted to be able to enjoy whatever moment I was in, without thought of insecurity, or comparing myself or my successes with other people. I hoped that with my career I could accomplish that sense of trust.
When I arrived at the cafe Jenny was already there waiting for me. She waved me over to the tiny table where she sat.
“Samantha, I’m so glad you came.”
“Me too.” I smiled at her. I made an effort to push all thoughts of Max and our spat out of my mind. I wanted to be in that particular moment.
We placed our order for coffee, then my attention returned to Jenny. “How are you enjoying your vacation?”
“I’m enjoying it. It was a surprise from my sister. I think she hoped I’d meet somebody here. No so such luck.”
“It’ll happen.” I smiled. “I never thought it would happen for me, but it did.”
“Are you sure this wasn’t too much trouble?” Jenny frowned. “I know it was very forward of me to just walk up to you.”
“It’s no trouble at all. I’m glad that we can talk. I feel like I never get to know the people that are reading my blog. I mean, I read comments here and there, but to meet someone face to face is really great.”
“I’m glad you feel that way, because to be honest I could really use all of the help that I can get.” She shook her head. “I’m to the point that I don’t want any mirrors in my house.”
“Aw, Jenny, that’s no way to treat yourself.”
“I know. But I just can’t seem to get past this anger I feel inside. Like, I let this happen, I let myself gain this much, and now I have to face the consequences.”
I sat back in my chair and toyed with the handle of my coffee cup. “I think one of the most important things I did early on in my journey was to learn to love my body as it was—for what it was. I try hard to do the same now.”
“It’s easy for you to do now, though—you look great.”
“No, I still look in the mirror and see a million flaws. That is the actual problem—not the weight or the flaws, but what we see in the mirror. I mean, if I wanted to, I could tear my appearance to shreds. The difference is, I learned not to want to. I got more out of loving myself than abusing myself.” I met her eyes across the table. “There’s only one person who will ever love your body the way you do. No one else gets to love it, or live in it, just you.”
“I never really thought of it that way.” She nodded. “All of this time I’ve been acting like my body is the enemy.”
“That’s so hurtful. How can you ever expect to grow and blossom if that’s what you’re nourishing your mind and heart with? Thoughts like that will only halt your progress. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve felt the same way in the past, but it was a hurdle that I had to overcome to reach my optimum health.”
“You’re right.” She sighed. “I guess I get caught up in the spiral of these negative thoughts and self-hatred. Then to make myself feel better, I binge.”
“And some people starve themselves, some people use exercise as a punishment—it’s all part of the same pattern of thought that tells us that there’s something wrong with us, something wrong with our body—something that we’ve done wrong. The truth is, our body is all we have. It’s our vessel, it’s our tool. Without it, we can’t exist. The more we tear it down, the less functional it becomes. People get so focused on the right diet, the right exercise, the right amount of calories, but they skip over the most important part. Do you love your body? Do you love you?”
“Wow.” She smiled. “This is just what I needed to hear today, Samantha. You have no idea how much you’ve helped me.”
“You helped you by being brave enough to step out of your comfort zone and approach me. You could have decided to walk the other way, but you valued yourself enough to honor your desire to connect with me. I know how nerve-wracking taking that first step can be. If I hadn’t moved outside of my comfort zone over and over again, I wouldn’t be on my honeymoon right now with the love of my life. The choices you make matter.”
“I’m so glad that you chose to spend this time with me. I know it took away from your time with your husband, and I can’t tell you enough how grateful I am to you. I feel so inspired to really make a change in my life. I don’t want to hide from who I am anymore. I want to learn to love myself.”
“It’s one little step at a time.” I reached across the table and squeezed her hand. “We’ve had years of being programmed to believe that we need to be something more than who we are. It takes time to recognize that we have everything we’ve ever needed right inside of us.”
“Thanks, Samantha.” She stood up from the table.
I stood up as well and opened my arms to her. As we hugged, tears formed at the corners of my eyes. No, this wasn’t work for me. Max was right. It was an essential part of who I was, and it seeped into all aspects of my life because of that. I wouldn’t have it any other way.
“Good luck, Jenny. Keep me up-to-date on your journey, okay?”
“I will, I promise.”
Chapter 17
As I watched Jenny walk away, I felt as if she represented the me I was a fe
w years ago—shy, uncertain, and terrified of being seen. So much had changed since then, and yet I would never forget what it was like to loathe my own body.
The weight of a hand on my shoulder startled me out of my thoughts. I turned to find Max behind me.
“Max, I’m sorry. I know that I was gone longer than I thought I would be and you’re probably upset—”
“No, I’m not.” He gazed into my eyes. “I just listened in on that conversation. I just witnessed the impact that you had on that woman’s life and her view of herself. I get it now, Sammy. I can’t say I really understood it before, but I get it now. I’m sorry. I never should have asked you not to meet with her.”
“You had a right to, this is our honeymoon.”
“And you put the health and well-being of someone else above your own needs, Sammy. I think you have a lot to teach me too.” He leaned forward and offered me a soft kiss.
I returned it with a sigh of relief. I was not only glad that he wasn’t upset, but also that he truly understood why I had to meet with Jenny.
“I don’t think I’ll ever be able to separate my work from my life, Max. I hope that won’t be a problem going forward.”
“It won’t be.” He wrapped an arm around my waist. “I promise.”
“How about that nap?” I smiled at him.
“Sounds good.” He kissed my forehead. Then he whispered in my ear. “Maybe you could tell me a few bedtime stories.”
“Max!” I swatted him again.
When I woke up from our nap, I was instantly pleased to find myself wrapped up in Max’s arms. I hadn’t yet gotten used to waking up with him. It was a delicious experience every time it happened.
Max’s eyes fluttered open. He smiled at me. “Did you sleep well?”
“Yes. Did you?”
“I did, yes.”
“I can’t believe that we go home tomorrow. What do you want to do with the rest of our day?”
“I have one last surprise for you. Will you walk down to the beach with me?”
“Absolutely.” I snuggled close to him and sighed. “But does it have to be right now?”
“I suppose we could wait a few more minutes.” He kissed my cheek, then my lips.
Single Wide Female in Love Complete Bundle: Books 1-4 Page 33
