Walking in the Shadows

by Giovanni, Cassandra

  “Aren’t you going to let us in on what your favorite song is? And why? I mean it’s only fair that you join us,” the girl in the front row cooed. She was the one who was sugar sweet to him on the first morning of class. Now she leaned forward, chin in palm.

  “I knew you would ask, Lily, so I’m prepared,” he answered. From the way he was flipping through the songs on his phone I could tell that he was as prepared as I was. His shoulders tensed as he hit a particular song, and for a moment he stared at the screen. Then his shoulders relaxed, “Yes, here it is…The Police…Don’t Stand So Close to me.”

  I watched as the girls around me leaned forward on their hands as they day dreamt that they were that girl and he was that teacher. I soon found myself trying to shrink away into my chair as my face went red with resentment. He had turned my favorite song around on me.

  “That was beautiful Mr. Knightley, The Police are so awesome,” Lily commented, fluttering her eye lashes.

  Tad was leaning against his desk looking down at his shoes and when he looked up he didn’t look at her, but at me. “Exactly, Lily.”

  “Are they your favorite band?” Lily asked, and I was surprised she could contain her drooling as she stared at his defined chest through his starched blue collar shirt and matching tie.

  “Yes they are,” he lied. He knew they were my favorite, and that was the only reason they were on his play list at all. “Your turn, Lily.”

  It was at that point that I stopped listening to anything that was going on in the class room. I sat fuming at him as I tried my hardest to keep the thought of us listening to that song out of my mind, but in the end I couldn’t. I took a deep breath as I felt the emotions hit me. Tad laughed as we spun around his living room; he dipped me as he sang the words into my ear. His breath was a tease against my neck, and when he pulled me back into his arms his lips instantly found mine.

  “Vera? Vera, it’s your turn,” Tad’s voice broke into my thoughts.

  “Sorry Mr. Knightley,” I sputtered, and it felt as though everyone was staring at my pale, haggard face as I walked up to the front of the room staring at my cell phone, “Uh…I am…need to…find the song.”

  The classroom exploded with cruel laughter as I tripped over my own feet, but it ceased when Tad spoke. “I’m not sure what any of you are laughing at.”

  “Blessthefall, Skinwalkers,” I said with tones of ‘you can all screw yourselves’.

  “A chick that likes heavy music—that’s hot,” one of the guys in the room commented.

  Tad kicked the jerk’s desk and the room echoed with the sound of the metal as the provocative music began to play. As I listened to the words of the song I could feel Tad’s eyes on me, and I found myself staring at my feet, praying I could keep the tears down. Why had I chosen this song? Because it was the first one I thought of? Or because I thought it would hurt him, when in reality it hurt me?

  “Why that song, Vera?” Tad’s voice had an edge to it, but it only made me wonder more what my choice had done to him.

  “Umm…it’s a good song. I like how the band mixes the light singing with the heavy beats and screaming. I guess you never know who you can trust either.”

  “Bret, you’re up next,” Tad moved on with his voice flat. I knew he no longer had an interest in his own assignment, and it was because I had hit a nerve.

  Chapter 6

  “You didn’t say that in front of all of those people?” Kirsten exclaimed as her mouth dropped.

  I shrugged. “No one understood.”

  “He did Vera! That’s harsh!”

  “I don’t know why I did it, Kirsten! Just hope when Meg gets to be a teenager she’s not such a jerk,” I replied, trying not to look at her face and instead concentrating on the shirt I was steaming.

  “I would be proud to have my daughter be like you at your age…although the reason why you’re so mature isn’t an ideal one… Did you ever tell him about what happened to your parents?”

  I paused too long and my hand behind the shirt was burnt. I swore in pain shaking my hand before I answered, “No, I never told him.”

  “You’re not going to like my saying this…” she began, but her voice drifted off as she smacked the ice pack from the first aid box to activate it, “I think you’re handling this all wrong. I think you should sit down with him and explain everything.”

  “I doubt it would change anything. Tad will still be Mr. Knightley—my British Lit teacher,” I responded as I watched my skin turn red and shiny.

  “It doesn’t get any easier does it?” Kirsten asked as she placed the ice pack on my hand and brushed a hair out of my eye.

  “I thought it would get better with time, but they’re still dead.”

  “Today isn’t going to get better…”Kirsten remarked as she looked up.

  Tad was walking through the door, his hair a mess, his shirt half tucked in and his eyes wandering the room until they landed on me. “We need to talk,” he said without even a ‘hello.’

  “I thought you didn’t want me to stand so close?” I snapped.

  “Are you kidding me? Can we just be grownups about this?”

  Kirsten coughed in the background.

  “That was wrong of you to do—play that song knowing it’s my favorite—as if I did this all on purpose, as if I knew!” I accused, trying to control the pitch of my voice without success.

  “Your song was better? It was just as harsh, if not more,” he countered, his hand scratching his scruff.

  “It was in retaliation!”

  “Vera, it’s pretty slow. I can handle closing myself,” Kirsten interrupted as she handed me my backpack so I couldn’t refuse.

  “I’ll drive you home,” Tad said, and I knew I wouldn’t be able to escape.

  The drive to my apartment was spent in silence.

  “You want to come in?” I asked when he parked his car.

  “Well, yeah…we need to talk.”

  I threw my keys on the coffee table and flopped on the couch, pulling my legs up into my chest as he sat next to me.

  “Tad, what is there to say?”

  “Please give up the act, Vera. I know you’re hurt by this,” Tad said, his eyes scanning my face.

  “Yeah…I’ve been hurt worse though,” I answered as my eyes locked on the picture of my dead parents.

  “By who?”

  “Not in the same way—I haven’t been hurt like this, by my own actions. Tad I’m sorry, you must know that. I never meant for this to happen.”

  “I’m sure you didn’t mean for it to happen so please stop blaming yourself. I should have asked more questions. I guess I just assumed because you live alone…you do live alone right?” he asked, looking around the apartment as if someone might pop out at any moment.

  “One bedroom apartment? Where would I be hiding someone else?”

  “I didn’t mean it like that,” he replied, standing and cracking his knuckles in what I assumed was frustration, “Whose parents let their daughter live alone at seventeen?”

  “Dead ones who have no say.”

  “Dead?”Tad repeated.

  I nodded my head as I pulled my knees closer to my chest and hugged them. “That’s what I just meant by being hurt worse. There are a lot of things I left out. ”

  “Can we start with the truth?”

  “I never lied!” I yelled as I threw my hands up in rebellion to his words.

  “I know; I am not saying that…I mean…” he said as he sat down and placed his hands on my knees to push them down, adding, “What have you left out?”

  “My parents died two years ago…I thought all the teachers had already been told.” I muttered, feeling the warmth of his hands on mine.

  “To be honest, I’ve been so angry since that first day that they could have, and I would have just tuned out.” Tad admitted, and shrugged his shoulders.

  “I‘ll tell you the truth they don’t know—that only Kirsten knows. The school thinks they were killed in a
car accident and that my name is Vera MacIntyre—“

  “Wait, are you saying Vera isn’t your name?”

  “It’s Abigail…everyone called me Abbi.”

  “I think that fits you better,” Tad whispered, caressing my face with his thumb.

  “We can’t be like this anymore…can we?”

  His hand dropped and his eyes wandered around the room, looking anywhere but at me, “No…I guess not,” he finally answered.

  “I’m going to miss you.”

  “How do you stay so strong?” Tad probed, his brows knitting together as his eyes found mine again.

  “I’ve run away from it. I don’t have to be strong about it, but I can’t run away from what I’ve done to us,” I whispered. I felt as if I was shrinking into my couch, becoming less of a person as I thought of what I was losing.

  “I’m going to miss you too,” Tad replied and as a tear rolled down my cheek he pulled me into his arms and kissed my hair. I tried to memorize the feel of his touch, knowing that it could be the last time I ever felt it. He was no longer the man that I loved, but my teacher.

  My world felt as though it was spinning out of control yet again.

  Chapter 7

  It’s no secret that Wuthering Heights isn’t usually any teenager’s favorite novel, but looking around at the class room as Tad gave a lecture on it, it seemed that no one had any intention of participating at all. I could tell from the tension on Tad’s face that he was becoming frustrated with the bored faces in the classroom, and that he needed to find some way to recover his teaching prowess.

  “I’d like to discuss Catherine and Heathcliff’s relationship. Do they love each other?” Tad asked the classroom.

  “Of course they do!” Lily responded, sitting forward in her chair as if Tad were saying otherwise.

  “If they truly love one another, then why do they endeavor to hurt the other?” Tad asked his arms crossed as he leaned against his desk. He had their attention, but still everyone remained silent.

  “Maybe it's the fact that they can endure the tortures of the other that makes them love one another. They are true masochists and that's why they marry other peoples that the other shall endure the pain that the other caused. The action of hurting one another may be self conscious due to the degradation of their minds because of those who tortured them, but didn’t love them?” I interjected biting my lip.

  “Vera brought up the fact that they marry other people to torture one another.” Tad put his hand up before Lily could speak, “It’s clear that Heathcliff doesn’t love Elizabeth, but does Catherine love Edgar? Is it possible to love two people?”

  “She loves Heathcliff because they are one in the same, no one but Heathcliff could love the real Catherine. Yet she knows it's wrong—that they are mere beasts. Edgar is refined and therefore, she loves what he can give her but not him,” I answered, trying not to look like the other girls who leaned forward every time Tad spoke, but I was drawn to him.

  “You know what it is?” Brad interjected. “She’s freaking bi-polar and takes advantage of the two of them. She only loves herself!”

  Tad nodded his head. “Or does Catherine have some sort of mental disease like Brad’s first assumption?”

  “That’s an excuse for their moral depravity,” I replied.

  “But is that something that they can help due to their upbringing?” Tad countered, and I could feel the heads of my classmates bobbing back and forth as Tad and I continued our conversation like there was no one else in the room.

  “Catherine could have taught Heathcliff what she learned after she met the Linton’s—that many of the things they did were wrong.”

  “But would Heathcliff have listened?” Tad pushed.

  “He loved Catherine, so of course he would have, if she had wanted it, but she liked who he was, who she really was,” I answered.

  “But you can’t tame a wild horse,” the girl in front of me added as she turned half in her seat to wink at me.

  “Not if it doesn't want it, or is wanting for understanding of why it is the way it is. Catherine knew why they were who they were and that's why she didn't change it because who would Heathcliff be if he was as tamed as a gelding? He would become like Edgar— someone she could never really love,” I finished.

  “’I know that ghosts have wandered on earth. Be with me always — take any form — drive me mad! Only do not leave me in this abyss, where I cannot find you! Oh, God! It is unutterable! I cannot live without my life! I cannot live without my soul!’” Tad quoted as the bell rang.

  My eyes were still staring into Tad’s as the girl who had winked at me grabbed my arm and pulled me out of the classroom. She held out her hand, “Jasmine, but you can call me Jaz.”

  I couldn’t help the twitch in my eyebrow as I took her in for the first time. She had delicate model like features and stunning hip length black lacquered hair. Her light brown, almond shaped eyes brightened as she took in my expression.

  “I know my parents had a good sense of humor, huh? Except I’m pasty white and can’t tan worth beans,” she teased as she shook my hand three times before dropping it with a wink.

  Her pale skin only added to her porcelain doll appeal, but her abrupt and strong personality was anything but breakable. I finally managed to find my voice and lower my eyes.

  “Nice to meet you…Jaz,” I replied as I shoved my copy of Wuthering Heights into my messenger bag.

  “You seriously saved all of us back there, none of us understood that weird book like you did,” Jaz commented as she followed me to my locker. “I think it’s because you’re the only one of us who isn’t staring at Knightley’s muscles in awe or jealousy. Mhmm…those muscles look so good in those button ups.”

  “He’s not just a piece of meat Jaz,” I responded, knowing that the reason I wasn’t staring at them was because I had seen them so many times, and his mind was just as amazing.

  “Eh, he’s a teacher, he’s smart; we all know that. But damn, he’s fine—seriously though, it was like you two think exactly the same!” Jaz continued as she stared into my locker, “You color coded your notebooks to match the cover of your text books?”

  “It makes them easier to find.”

  “Or, you could just keep them together?” she suggested, flicking one of the covers.

  “I do that too.”

  “So what’s the point of color coding them?”

  “It looks pretty?” I snapped shutting my locker in defense.

  “Your locker has no pictures in it! Just books! Where are the topless guys?”

  “We have Knightley, remember?” I teased, letting myself relax for the first time in weeks.

  “Mhmm…Knightley.” Jaz’s eyes glazed over as she smiled. “That’s something your parents never teach you…”

  “What?” I wasn’t sure I really wanted to know what that look meant.

  “That the hot teacher can be so close to our age; you always assume that it’s going to be some older married man with silver hair, and worldly experience.” Jaz shrugged. “Oh, well—it makes it a lot more fun to fantasize about.”

  In my case, it made it that much more of a nightmare.

  Chapter 8

  “Does anyone know any Shakespeare?” Tad asked looking around the room with a slight smile. Everyone in the room raised a hand and he continued, “Besides Romeo and Juliet or Macbeth or Hamlet?” Every hand in the room besides mine went down. “Vera?”

  “Taming of the Shrew, Midsummer’s Nights Dream, As You Like It, Twelfth Night, Much Ado About Nothing—those are comedies…Othello, King Lear, the tragedies and then the Roman plays–Antony and Cleopatra, Julius Cesar and Coriolanus, among others,” I answered and cringed at the nasty looks I received from several of the girls in the room.

  “Vera seems to have read most of Shakespeare’s works. We’re going to delve into some of them as well,” Tad said with a smile as our eyes locked on each other. I could hear him whispering a Shakespeare sonnet
in my head and could see he was as lost in his thoughts as I was. Someone coughed and we were both brought back to reality, “Everyone has pretty much read or heard of the three works I named. I would like to start with As You Like It.”

  He handed out copies of the play to everyone and made us take turns reading it out loud. As I read I saw him sitting at his desk staring at the book with his hand over his mouth chewing on his thumb nail. I couldn’t tell if he was listening to me, or if he was drifting in his own thoughts again. His expression didn’t change when I stopped reading and the girl behind me continued where I left off. I tried not to sigh too loudly before I opened my notebook and began taking notes, just as absent as Tad. When the bell rang and I looked up there was no one left in the room. Tad finally seemed to be shaken from his thoughts, and he straightened his papers before walking towards me. I shuffled my books into my messenger bag, sending my cell phone skittering across the floor. He picked up the phone, but stopped short of handing it to me once he saw the picture on the screen.

  “Is that them?” he asked.

  I nodded my head as he handed the phone back to me.

  “You don’t look extremely young here,” he commented, his hand resting for a moment on mine.

  “I took it a couple days before they died.”

  “How old were you?”

  I swallowed. “I had just turned sixteen.”

  “I guess I figured it was a while ago…you act very strong about the whole thing,” he mumbled more to himself than to me.

  “I’ve never really talked about it. It’s always just been…I don’t know why. I guess it’s easier for me that way,” I responded as I looked down at my hands.

  He reached up to touch my face, but dropped his hand to his side, “Do you want to talk about it?”

  “Do you want to know?”

  “My apartment?” he suggested, and my eyes answered for me.