Walking in the Shadows

by Giovanni, Cassandra

  I leaned forward and kissed his neck, then his chin and then his lips.

  “I’ll take that as a yes.”

  I laughed breathless. “Yes.”

  “I’d really like to continue this…”

  “But we should get back,” I finished with a sigh.

  “Mhmm…” he tilted my chin and kissed me. I took a deep breath and smiled, but the happiness faded when I heard footsteps in the hall.

  “Tad—“I began with my heart hammering in my chest, but his finger forcefully found my lips and made me silent.

  His eyes searched mine as we both listened to the footsteps coming closer and closer. We had just committed to this, and it was all going to come to a screeching halt. The footsteps stopped in front of the door, and Tad’s brows hunched over his eyes. I could feel the tears welling in my eyes, and I could see that he was thinking the same thing as his Adam’s apple rose and fell. His eyes closed and the color drained from his face as the knock reverberated against the wood of the door. I wasn’t breathing and neither was Tad. The doorknob jiggled and a tear slipped down my cheek. Tad shook his head, and wiped the tear away.

  “Yeah?” Tad finally said.

  “You about done, man?” Paul’s voice rang through the door, and it felt as though the world had shifted—tilted on its axis and everything was going terribly wrong.

  “About done…” Tad nodded for me to go into the corner, so he could open the door. I shook my head in fear, and he mouthed the words ‘trust me’ before kissing my forehead and nodding for me to move. I did as he instructed, but my heart was pounding in my brain and the large bathroom was getting smaller.

  “Man, I don’t think you want to go in there—if you know what I mean,” Tad commented as he quickly pulled the door shut behind him.

  The tension of the moment rushed out of me as I tried my hardest to keep the laughter that was rushing up my throat down.

  “Uhh…yeah. I’ll use the one on the other floor, thanks…” Paul replied, and I had to bite my fist. I listened as both their footsteps and their voices disappeared, and then when I couldn’t hear them I tipped my head back and burst out laughing. Everything hit me all at once, anxiety, happiness, and most of all relief. I took a deep breath and when I went into the auditorium my eyes met Tad’s. We shared a secret smile, and then the darkness of the room and the reason we were there washed over me again.

  Chapter 40

  “That was hardcore,” Jaz commented as we left the auditorium.

  “Yeah, I know…not sure they needed to do all that,” I replied with a shrug of my shoulders.

  “You seem alright though?” Jaz cocked her head at me in concern.

  “Not too bad. Scared out of my wits though. I mean look at all the cops around the school.”

  “You think it’s a bit extreme?” she asked as we squeezed past one.

  “Not really, but it’s when we leave here that we have to worry…you know, when we’re alone,” I answered, closing my eyes for a moment to clear the thought from my mind.

  “Does your apartment have an alarm system?” Jaz asked, and I shook my head. She squeezed my arm. “I’m sure you’ll be alright. You can always come over and stay at my house some nights if you want.”

  “What are you doing tonight?” I jumped on the opportunity as she opened her maroon locker.

  She laughed. “Nothing, but I’ll have to call my mom and ask…I’ll say your parents are on vacation for the week, and you don’t feel good staying home alone?”

  “Inventive, I like it,” I said with a fake smile.

  “What’s inventive?” Brad interrupted as he joined us while we walked to Tad’s class.

  “Nothing,” Jaz said with her jaw clenched.

  “You’re lying. You always turn red when you lie,” Brad commented, his eye brows raised.

  “It’s the whole day getting to her,” I interjected. “We were just planning our slumber party.”

  Tad looked up from his desk and smiled.

  “Hi, Mr. Knightley.” Jaz waved with a smile as we headed to our seats.

  “Slumber party?” Brad asked, frowning. “I was supposed to come over tonight.”

  “Well, Vera wanted to hang out and she never usually has time. You can still come over. It just won’t be what you wanted,” Jaz replied with an eyebrow raised.

  “Oh, it could be better.” He smirked. “PJ pillow fight.”

  Tad couldn’t help but laugh and Brad blushed.

  Jaz smacked him. “Keep dreaming.”

  I felt bad for using Jaz, but Tad had a weekly teacher hang out and wouldn’t be home until late. This meant I either stayed alone until he got home, or found something else to do because I had the night off from Kirsten’s.

  Chapter 41

  A few months ago Brad and Jaz’s fresh new lust would have annoyed me. It would have sent me reeling in loneliness about Tad, but since we were secretly dating again, it didn’t bug me. It was still embarrassing to watch them tongue dance, but to a certain degree I understood. I would never stick my tongue down Tad’s throat like that, but I longed to be able to hold his hand and get a quick kiss in public without the world exploding. I wanted it to be the way it had been in the summer. I could physically hear them kissing now, and I had to close my locker sooner than later.

  “Could you two please get a room?” I chastised Jaz and Brad when I finally swallowed and closed my locker.

  “Sorry, have to make up for last night.” Brad shrugged.

  I rolled my eyes, and when my eyes came back to Brad’s face I could see Lily and Mike arguing in the distance.

  “What’s up with them?” I asked as the tension from their argument began to permeate the hallway.

  “Shh…”Jaz hushed us.

  “Lily, what the hell is wrong with you? You act like you don’t even give a shit she’s gone?” Mike accused, pointing his finger at her.

  “Maybe I just think you should move on?” Lily suggested, crossing her arms in a way that accentuated her chest.

  “She was my girlfriend and your best friend. How could you do something like that to her?” Mike replied, stepping back and ignoring her chest.

  “She did the same thing to me. She deserved it,” Lily snapped, her eyes narrowing.

  In that instant I thought Mike was going to snap; his fists were curled and his knuckles were turning white with the pressure of his hands. Then Miss Jennings walked over and stuck her arms between them, pushing Mike away from Lily protectively.

  “There’s no reason to get upset Mike,” Miss Jennings rationalized, but her eyes were on fire with nasty words unspoken.

  I saw the tears forming in Mike’s eyes as he stuttered, “No—No reason to be upset?”

  Before I knew what I was doing I was next to Mike, wrapping my arm into his and pulling him away from them. The stare I received from Miss Jennings was to die for, but the one I returned over my shoulder made shock wash over her face. I pulled Mike into Tad’s room knowing that he would be safe there.

  “Are you okay?” I asked, shutting the door behind me as he flopped into a chair and stuck his head in his hands.

  “I…Lily…then Jennings…what’s wrong with these people? Nothing to be upset about? Ashley’s dead,” Mike muttered into his hands.

  “Mr.Knightley,” I began as he walked into the door. “Mike needed a minute, so I stole your room.”

  “It’s fine,” Tad replied looking at Mike’s shaking frame. “Is he…?”

  “She’s dead. I can’t believe she’s dead, and Lily doesn’t even care. All she wants is me, and all I want is Ashley,” Mike whispered as he looked up at me, his face stained with tears. I saw myself reflected there. I knew that feeling all too well. The memory of my parents’ voices drifted into my thoughts, and I had to take a deep breath to steady my emotions.

  I pulled a chair up and wrapped my arms around him as he put his face in my shoulder.

  “Some people don’t understand that kind of loss,” I reassured, rubbi
ng his back.

  The worst part was I did, but I could never tell him that. I could never comfort him with my experience. I could never tell him it would get better; I didn’t know if it did.

  Tad pulled a chair up and sat in front of us. “I understand how this kind of loss feels.”

  “You do?” Mike asked, looking up between the two of us.

  “Yes, I lost my mother when I was younger. It was really hard. I can’t imagine what it would be like to lose my girlfriend,” Tad explained, holding out a box of tissues and looking at me.

  “I feel like such a sissy.” Mike blew his nose and wiped his face before he said, “I’ve been trying to be strong about it, but Lily got to me and then Jennings—I mean, Miss Jennings, saying what she said.”

  “You’re not a sissy. You’re a person and you feel emotion which is normal,” I assured him. I could feel my anger at Miss Jennings building. I knew it was a strong word, but I was beginning to feel a sincere hate for her.

  “Thanks for saving me. I would have slugged Jennings and Lily and gotten expelled.”

  I laughed. “While I would have liked to see that…Shh…I saw how upset you were and didn’t want you to do anything drastic. Jennings had no right to say what she did and being a teacher should have been more understanding.”

  “What did Jennings say?” Tad asked as he tapped his foot against the ground. The look on his face showed that he was doing it to maintain his composure in front of Mike.

  “She said it was nothing to get upset about,” I answered.

  “Nothing to get upset about? The death of a girlfriend, friend, fellow student—and an innocent person?” Tad repeated in shock. I could see my emotions reflecting in his eyes. Their blue hue only deepened with each explanation.

  “The bell will be ringing soon,” Mike said as he took a deep breath and looked at the clock.

  “If you need anyone to talk to please see me, or talk to Vera,” Tad said as he stood.

  “I appreciate it,” Mike replied into my shoulder when I gave him a final hug.

  “No problem,” I said with a smile.

  Mike began to get up but stopped and said, “I know Brad told you what I said earlier in the year.” He paused and looked at Tad. “I’m sorry I said it. You’re a great person Vera.”

  “Thanks Mike.” I nodded my head. In truth I had already forgotten, and even if I hadn’t, it wouldn’t have mattered any more.

  “Jennings has some real balls doesn’t she?” Tad remarked in a terse tone when Mike was out of ear shot.

  “That’s one way to put it.”

  “I can’t believe she would say that.”

  “I can…Tad there’s something strange about her.”

  I wasn’t just whispering because the door was opening anymore. I could feel the sweat beading on my brow as my mind started to race.

  “Maybe she thought they were talking about something else,” Tad suggested with his hands in his back pockets.

  “I saw her face…she wasn’t. It was like she said it on purpose to come to Lily’s defense,” I explained, shaking my head. It was as if Jennings didn’t even feel. She didn’t care about Lily; it seemed like she was just protecting some sort of asset.

  “Anyways, are we still on for tonight?” he asked as he stopped pacing the room.

  I let my hand run through his as I walked by. “Of course.”

  Chapter 42

  “You're super happy today Vera. Did you see your secret lover last night?” Jaz asked, sitting down next to me in the library.

  “You have a very big imagination,” I replied as I tried to hide my smile that said she was right.

  “I think you had a very good time last night and weren’t lonely at all.”

  I rolled my eyes. “Have you seen Mike today?”

  “Yeah, he seems better than the other day, but Lily is determined and is still harassing him. Brad told me something very interesting about him—his mom is on the school board,” Jaz gossiped, leaning over and looking at my math homework.

  “And?” I asked, looking up from the equation.

  “Apparently she’s not too happy with Jennings,” Jaz replied as she shrugged and leaned back in her seat, chopping on a twizzler.

  “Isn’t there a teachers’ union, though?”

  “Yeah, but I wonder if Jennings had known if she would have done that.” She cocked her head, pointing her twizzler at me.

  “Jennings doesn’t care what anyone thinks. I’m sure she would have,” I responded as I tried not to grind my teeth in annoyance at Jaz. Her twizzler was driving me nuts—it was just so ridiculous, especially when we were having a serious conversation.

  “She’s really strange.”

  “I know, I was just telling T—someone that the other day,” I slipped, and a blush washed over my face.

  “His name starts with a T! I knew there was someone!” Jaz exclaimed, catching my mistake. Her excitement calmed when she saw the look of despair on my face. She put her hand over mine. “I know you love him; whoever he is…I promise I won’t say a word to anyone. It’s just nice to see you smile. Especially when such crappy stuff is happening and well, has happened to you. He must be special.”

  “Thanks, Jaz. You’re a good friend,” I said, and I meant it because I was starting to see she was.

  Chapter 43

  There was still a lot Tad didn’t know about me. It was just so hard to explain everything that I had kept away from him; to explain things that he hadn’t been around for me to vent to him about. He didn’t seem mad though, in fact he seemed excited to get to know me better—even the darker parts. I was afraid that something he might learn would turn him away, yet it never did—no matter how vast the secret was.

  “I was wondering how you know Kirsten when you lived all the way in Norfolk?” Tad asked as we drove to her house to give her a birthday present.

  “Kirsten was my mom’s best friend in college, and Bill was the family lawyer and is my lawyer now. He helped me get emancipated. They’re my god parents, but they understood why I wanted to be on my own, so they offer their guidance when I need it…even if I don’t think I need it,” I explained, looking from the window to him. I was afraid that he wouldn’t agree with my decision.

  “That was your choice…to be alone? Why not just live a normal life with them?”

  “Don’t get me wrong I love them, and they are wonderful people, but I could never treat them as my parents and they knew that. I guess I needed that space to grieve my parents…it made it feel more like I had just moved out than that they were actually gone.”

  “You sure are stubborn,” Tad commented, looking over at me.

  “Do you think it was a bad decision?” I looked down at my hands in my lap. When I said it out loud it didn’t make that much sense.

  “I think it defines who you are, and you’re a good person. We all need to choose our own paths and you chose yours. If you hadn’t you might just be a normal teenage girl,” He replied, reaching over and squeezing my hands.

  “How boring that would be!” I laughed.

  “For me it would be,” he teased with a wink.

  “For me too,” I replied, leaning over and kissing his cheek. “Thank you.”

  “For what?”

  “Loving me.”

  “Thank you more,” he replied, bringing my hand up to his lips.

  “So, what do you think about Mike’s mom being on the board of education?” I asked as the butterflies threatened to explode from my chest.

  “I think that Jennings should’ve kept her mouth shut. Not only is his mom on the board of education, she’s a parent, and what the parent’s say has heavy force when they decide whether or not to give tenure,” Tad observed, shaking his head.

  “She’s up for tenure?”

  “Yes, and from the sounds of it, if Mike told his mom, it’s not going to happen and Jennings will be out of a job by the end of the school year, if not sooner. She’s just crossed the line way too many tim
es.”

  “When are you up for tenure?”

  “Three more years, why?” Tad asked.

  “So that means you can be fired at any time until you get that, right?” I continued.

  He squeezed my hand. “I’m not going to get fired.”

  “I just worry…if someone ever found out,” I drifted off as I traced the outline of the veins in his arm with my finger.

  “We’re careful,” he reassured me as he looked over at me from the corner of his eyes. “Plus, it’s just a job. Please don’t start pushing me away again. It’s worth the risk to me.”

  “Kirsten says I push people away,” I acknowledged with a huff. I hated it when she was right.

  “You’ve been letting people in lately though, like Jaz. It seems like you guys have gotten pretty tight,” Tad remarked with a smirk.

  “I do enjoy her company. She’s the first friend I’ve had that’s my age since my parents died. It was the second that I let her in that I realized she was actually a great person. It was like she knew that there was something more to me and realized she would have to get me to trust her and she was fine with it. She’s a lot of talk, but not a lot of action with the things she says. She wants to be ‘cool’, so she says what she knows she should,” I explained.

  “I think you helped her too because you don’t care what anyone thinks.”

  “That’s not true; I do care what some people think. It just matters less what they think. I’ve been hiding behind someone else for a year now.”

  “I don’t think you’ve been hiding behind someone else. You just changed your name. You know who you are. There are just things that blur the lines. Vera is just a name, sooner or later you can be Abbi again,” Tad said, shaking his head.