Walking in the Shadows

by Giovanni, Cassandra

  “Yeah,” I replied, looking down at the large vertical scars on my wrist. “Do you think it’s permanent?”

  “It’s hard to tell without running some tests, but I think you may be suffering from nerve damage. She sliced you very deeply and we did our best to reconstruct the ligaments and nerves, but you may also have some scar tissue that is causing issues as well,” Doctor Frederick clarified as he began to feel the movement of my hands. Jaz sat in silence as he ordered me to do this and that. “We’ll need to order some tests to confirm what the issue is.”

  “Are her scars going to always be that—” Jaz began.

  “Ugly?” I cut her off. “Yes.”

  Jaz looked away from me, and I felt bad for my quick reaction. I knew I was out of line, but I felt I had to hang onto that anger. It was my defense against what I was really feeling.

  Doctor Frederick’s lips were in a stern line as he said, “Due to how violent the cuts were, a scar is unavoidable; however, Abbi has a cream that she rubs into it, which should decrease the scarring overtime. It will never be gone, though.”

  “So, I’ll always look like I’m a cutter,” I snapped, hopping down from the bench.

  The doctor shook his head. “I’ll give the nurse the information, and she’ll print out the paperwork for the tests you need. Have a good day Abbi, and nice to meet you, Jaz.”

  “What the hell? Why are you being so negative? You’re never like this!” Jaz accused as soon as we got in to the car.

  “I’m sorry; I’m just mad at Tad for calling my doctor,” I explained as I looked out the window.

  “And me for mentioning something, too?” Jaz suggested, and her face went red.

  “No.”

  “Yes, you are Abbi, and it’s bullshit. You should’ve told the doctor about it when it first started. You’ve faced so much; I never thought you, of all people, would be afraid to tell a doctor something that could affect your entire life.”

  “I just don’t want to deal with it anymore,” I defended myself as I traced the scars on my wrists.

  “You’re not alone anymore—so suck it up, and we’ll suck it up with you. Now, what else is bothering you?”

  “Nothing,” I muttered, wishing that I could smack her.

  “If you’re going to be this grumpy all night I might as well go home,” Jaz fumed as she pulled her hair into a pony tail and shoved the car into drive.

  “No, I’m sorry. Let’s go to a movie and dinner or something. I need to get my mind off this,” I replied as I poked my numb hand with my finger.

  Chapter 59

  When I walked into the ballroom and saw Tad standing there I felt a rush of hope that I hadn’t felt in a long time, or ever before. Tad looked up the stairs and for the first time I felt as though I was in a fairytale and no longer in a nightmare. What had consumed me for the past few years had finally left me. In that moment I realized that I needed to let go of the anger that had consumed me since I had found out about Jennings’ master plan. As I looked at Tad, I felt it all dissipate. I still had him, and as Jaz giggled next to me, I realized I still had her.

  “I guess we nailed it with that dress,” Jaz observed, linking her arm in mine.

  “I didn't think he would be here,” I whispered as I tried to catch my breath.

  “Knightley wouldn't miss this for the world. Why would you say that?” Jaz asked in confusion.

  “He said he was resigning today.”

  Jaz smirked. “Maybe there was a better outcome to his conversation with the principal?"

  “I don’t think I care,” I replied as I found I could still move my feet.

  “Now, where did Brad get to?” Jaz asked, looking in earnest around the room.

  “Is that him with Knightley? Does he...know too?”

  “I think he assumes, but I never told him—are you mad at me?” Jaz asked as she bit her lip.

  “How could I be? I can't control your boyfriend’s wild imagination.”

  “What are you two giggling about?” Brad asked when Jaz and I came up to them.

  “Nothing,” we said in tune.

  “Women and their secrets,” Brad said to Tad.

  “Yes, but we have our own too, don't we?” Tad replied, his hands in his pockets, and his lips in a crooked smile.

  “You two look like royalty,” Brad commented as he kissed Jaz.

  “Indeed they do,” Tad agreed, his Adam’s apple rising and falling.

  “You don't look too shabby yourselves,” I responded with a blush and Tad chuckled. I really wished I could kiss him right at that moment.

  “Let’s dance Jaz!” I suggested as I grabbed her arm and pulled her to the dance floor. I had other ways to make him drool.

  “You’re such a tease,” Jaz observed as we started to dance. “Knightley is going to need a bib if you keep dancing like that."

  “That’s the point, now isn't it?” I replied, lifting my hands and swaying my hips.

  “Ha-ha, you really are a bad ass...and again I’m jealous because I can't dance.”

  I looked at her jerking movements and tried not to frown. She was right about that one.

  “Okay, you need to feel the music. I think you’re over compensating,” I commanded, putting my hands on her waist. “Follow my hands and then listen to the beat...okay, now add your arms smooth like water…that's it.”

  Brad soon came over. “May I cut in?”

  “Of course,” I answered walking away, and when I looked over my shoulder Brad mouthed the words thank you.

  “Looks like you can teach.” Tad nodded over my shoulder as I walked over to the refreshments.

  “She just needed to hear the music was all,” I explained as I watched her much sexier moves.

  “Maybe you should be a teacher?”

  “I’ve thought about it, but I would want to teach English too,” I replied, taking a sip of the punch.

  “So I can help you with your college homework, and then maybe you could work at Amherst,” Tad suggested with a slight smirk.

  “Yeah,” I mumbled with a sigh.

  “But I don’t think Amherst High could handle two hot teachers like us,” Tad teased in a whisper, and his smirk became a sexy crooked smile.

  “Two? What do you mean?”

  “Alright, everyone, it’s time to slow things down but a little differently,” the DJ announced and everyone turned to look at him. “For years chaperones have had the boring duty of sitting on the sidelines and making sure you don’t get too rowdy. It’s time to change that and let the chaperones join in on the fun. So, students pick the teacher nearest to you and bring them out to the dance floor.”

  I watched as half the girls in the room searched for Tad, but I was the closest to him just as Jaz had planned.

  Tad held his hand out. “May I have this dance?”

  “I think I’m supposed to ask you,” I responded as I tried to not smile, but it was hopeless.

  He stuck his hand back in his pocket with a smirk. “Fine.”

  “Mr. Knightley, would you dance with me?” I asked in my sexiest innocent voice.

  “I would love to,” he answered, taking my hand as I led him to the dance floor. Over my shoulder I could see Jaz dragging Paul the chemistry teacher onto the floor. The song started, and Tad placed my hand on his shoulder and took my other hand in his own. “We’re going to do this the old fashion way.”

  “Yes, because you’re so ancient compared to myself,” I replied with a laugh.

  “Alas, I’m an old man,” he teased, “but not as old as Paul.”

  “Jaz wrangled him up quickly. I think he’s next in line for the hottest teacher award with that sexy gray hair,” I observed with raised eyebrows.

  “I’ll be sure to tell him you said that,” Tad whispered with his breath warm on my neck. I could feel a blush creeping up my neck and into my face from his breath and his words.

  “What did you mean—about the two hot teachers?” I asked again as I tried to remain compo
sed with him so close to me in public.

  “I tried to resign,” Tad began to explain, “but he wouldn’t let me. He said it was ridiculous for me to resign when there were two weeks left of school. He said it was needless for me to sacrifice my job as long as I went about whatever I was thinking about in a professional way. He didn’t say much more than that, but I could tell he knew how I feel about you.”

  I looked up into his blue eyes. “I tried to tell you it wasn’t worth your job.”

  “But I’ve loved you for so much longer than he knows. I was blind to see that if I didn’t already love you, I surely would after everything that happened,” he replied with a smile that melted me.

  “If we weren’t in a room full of students and teachers I would kiss you right now, Knightley.”

  “I know; I’m charming, aren’t I?” he teased with pouty lips.

  “Picture for yearbook?” Brad interrupted as he pointed a camera at us.

  “Of course,” Tad replied, turning me with him. His hand slid from the small of my neck down my bare back, and I had to resist the need to kiss him.

  “Awesome, you guys look really uh…scholarly together,” Brad commented, and I saw Jaz shake her head at him.

  “Thanks,” Tad replied with an awkward smile.

  “Carry on,” Brad ordered, walking towards Jaz.

  “Now about your doctor’s visit,” Tad began tightening his grip on my hand.

  “I can feel the warmth of your hand in mine right now… but not the texture of your suit jacket under this one. It’s not all the time Tad, why did you have to tell him?”

  “Because I knew it was hurting you. I can see it in your eyes when you can’t feel my hand. I know it’s not all the time, so maybe it can be fixed?” Tad suggested as his eyes paced across mine.

  “I have nerve damage and possible scar tissue. The nerves can’t be fixed, the damage is already done. She made her mark on my life again, taking something away she had no right to,” I responded, the bitterness coming out to the open, and the anger coming back in full force.

  “Abbi, it’s a physical mark—don’t let it stain who you are. Jaz told me you snapped on her at the doctor—that’s not you, and I know she called you on it—but I’m calling you on it now too. Don’t let Jennings change how you feel about the world, then she will get exactly what she wanted—power over you.”

  Chapter 60

  The day was finally here. I was done with high school. Done. I knew that many of my classmates were looking back at the past four years with sadness. We weren’t kids anymore, but for me it was so different. I didn’t want to look back, my instinct was to run as far away from here as possible and not look back. It might have partially been because they were scared of being adults, when I had already been one for what seemed like a very long time. Without the strong, happy memories that many others shared, I wondered why they had chosen me to make a speech. Jaz was ecstatic over it and was determined to make me share those feelings.

  “Why didn’t you tell me you were the one asked to make the graduation speech?” Jaz demanded as she straightened my cap.

  “I was embarrassed,” I replied, and I was sure my face showed the sentiment.

  Jaz jumped up and down. “But that’s awesome! Valedictorian speeches were so last century; this nominating a person is so much better—except they didn’t announce who won.”

  “That’s because I asked them not to. I didn’t like the idea of a ton of news crews being here,” I explained as I took a shaky breath.

  “That’s true, you’re so smart. That’s why I got everyone I could to nominate you,” Jaz commented and seeing my face, added, “Please don’t be mad.”

  “I have no idea what to say Jaz.”

  “Thank you would suffice.”

  “No, I mean I have no idea what to say,” I repeated as I gritted my teeth together.

  “Wait…” She finally got my meaning and continued in shock, “You didn’t make a speech? You’re joking; please tell me you’re joking.”

  “What do I have to say that’s important? What could I say to move a crowd of graduating students that I barely know, but all know who I am because I almost died?”

  “You really don’t know what that means do you?” Jaz asked, taking my hands in hers. “She wouldn’t have stopped with you; she would never have stopped. You saved countless lives that she would have taken.”

  “Knightley saved them not me,” I retorted.

  “You text him, they may not know it, but I know it. How many lives would she have ruined if you hadn’t done that, if you hadn’t been smart enough to record everything she said? Abbi, you may not believe it, but you’re strong and we all look up to you,” she explained as she made a motion as if the world needed me to do it.

  “They stare at me like I’m a zoo exhibit,” I grumbled.

  “Is it wrong to look at you with wonder? You’re the sole survivor of her.”

  “Great, now I’m like Harry Potter again,” I huffed as I looked at the ceiling.

  “Stop confusing your novels, this is Crimson Reign, remember?” she teased.

  “Ha-ha, so funny,” I replied, rolling my eyes. My life was a bad novel.

  “Will you have something to say?”

  “I’ll think of something I guess,” I answered, but I had no clue. Maybe I’ll mention Harry Potter I thought to myself.

  ~~~

  “I know you’re all snoring now and can’t wait to get those diplomas in your hands,” Principal Gifford observed as he looked across the room, “but there’s one more speech to hear before I can give those to you. I doubt, however, that you will fall asleep during this one. I present to you your chosen orator, Abigail Martin.”

  I could see Jaz two rows in front of me as she turned and gave me thumbs up, but I couldn’t help but want to puke. I’d never spoken in front of anyone, let alone 300 students that I knew not and without a speech to save my life. I walked to the stage with my heels echoing in the silence of the room and my hands shaking. I hadn’t wanted to speak to them all, but they had wanted me to speak—what did they want me to say? I stared out at the sea of maroon gowns as I stood at the podium with my whole body trembling.

  “Hi,” I began as I looked for a familiar face in the crowd and when I found him my heart beat slowed, and I could think again. “You all know my name, but I’m sorry to say I barely know any of you. I’m also sorry to say I didn’t come prepared with the speech you nominated me to give. So, I stand before you barren and questioning why you chose me to do this. There is one thing I can’t question, that we have in this final year of high school, experienced sorrow that many will never see. Among our books, papers and exams we have seen innocent lives lost and trust given broken. But in our sorrow we may find deeper truths than what is on the surface. It’s true we have seen the worst of human nature, but I ask you to not forget the truth that matters. We have also seen the best of human nature, in those who care about us, who love us and who have tried to protect us from the evils of the world. I was told today that the reason you chose me to make this speech is because you see me as the heroine of your story. I don’t believe this. I see all of you as heroes to me. You have found the strength to continue living while I was frozen in my past, and you have forgiven me for my lies that I used to protect myself and not you. I have felt that I brought this curse to you and have been blind to the fact that you don't blame me. I must thank you for that…for giving me the strength to see the best in others when before all I saw was darkness. I no longer walk in the shadows and hope that where ever your future brings you, you can continue to see the best in people and have the strength to continue when you have seen the worst.”

  The room was left in complete silence, and I felt I had spoken too quickly and had said too much. I found Tad again in the crowd because he was beginning to stand, as was the rest of the room, and then the clapping began in a deafening roar.

  Principal Gifford shook both my hands. “For not having a speech
at all, you sure as hell nailed it.”

  “Thank you,” I stuttered over the noise of the crowd, and I meant it for more reasons than one.

  Epilogue

  I let my hands follow the intricacies of the hardened wings until I came to face it. I pressed my forehead to the cool stone, and as the wind swept my hair around my face I caught a familiar scent. It was clean soap and laundry that reminded me of my father.

  He had never been partial to cologne, but he had always smelled so good, like home. There was a stirring of warmth to my right, and it felt as though he was there beside me. I closed my eyes at the thought before taking a deep breath and glancing over my shoulder to see that Tad had joined me. It was at that moment that I recalled what I had been thinking the day I met him as I pretended to read Chaucer. I had been wondering how I could survive in the world without the two people I loved the most. I hadn’t understood or seen it then, but they had given me my answer. They had never left and never would. The love between a parent and a child transcends time, age and even the strongest separation of all, death. It never ceases to end. I wasn’t lost—I was found. I smiled at Tad and looked back over at the angel’s face. This time I let my fingers trace the details of the face I knew so well. The details were different now, hardened with rock, etched with lichen, but it was still her sweet likeness, forever glowing. In place of the unseeing marble orbs I imagined her perfect chocolate eyes, and I felt at peace. I sighed as Tad’s hand reached over to cover mine as I cupped her cheek in my palm.

  “The only imperfection is time,” I finally said.

  “She looks like you,” Tad replied as he wrapped his arms around my waist and rested his head in the crook of my shoulder.

  “That’s because she’s my mother.”

  “Hi, Mom,” Tad’s voice drifted over the wind as it stirred my hair again, and my father’s scent washed over me once more. Tears pricked at my eyes, for Tad had said exactly what I needed to hear.

  “I think my dad is here too.”

  “Of course he is. He never left,” Tad’s whisper tickled my neck.