To Love in Peace: 10th Anniversary Edition

by Kathleen Bird

  With that, Katherine shot up straight in the bed. Her clothes were drenched with sweat, and her hair was flying in all directions. Relaxing, she patted the bed to her left, expecting Michael to still be asleep beside her. But her hand touched empty air.

  “Michael?” Panic rushed through her at the thought that her husband was no longer in the bed with her. “Where are you?” Her nightmare rushed through her mind in painful clarity.

  Shivering in the coldness of the dark night, she slipped from the bed. Her hand shook as it reached for the candle sitting on the table on Michael’s side of the bed. It wasn’t there! Frightened, she turned her attention to the dark hallway beyond the bedroom. The empty blackness looked like it would swallow her up if she stepped foot in it.

  Trying to overcome her fear, she peeked around the open doorway. The sound of the night wind whistling through the empty hallways frightened her. She shivered again. Terror was grasping hold of her and threatening to send her screaming back to her bed. With the remnants of her dream whipping through her mind, Katherine stepped into the hallway.

  Never before had her own castle terrified her so much. Every cough or snore sent her scurrying to one side. Her heart pounded wildly, and her stomach did flip flops with every step she took. The hallway was so empty! Wasn’t there anyone in the castle awake besides her? Her soft footfalls echoed off every wall, magnifying her fear.

  Down the hallway, a turn to the left, descending stairs, and then…

  A sound! Coming from the opposite direction! Frantically, Katherine looked for a place to hide, but all the doors were shut and locked for the night. The light of an approaching candle danced on the walls around the corner, and her heart danced in her chest.

  Stop right now, Katherine! It’s probably just the maid tidying up. Or that little servant girl is sleep walking. Or some sleepless knight is making his rounds…Why didn’t I think to bring my sword?

  With nothing to defend herself and nowhere to hide, she braced herself for the worst. Every nightmare she’d ever had flashed through her mind, and her knees shook uncontrollably. Around the corner came the light…

  “Michael!” she yelled and nearly fainted.

  He ran to catch her, setting the candle on the floor as he flew by. “Are you alright? What are you doing out of bed?”

  Katherine’s stomach flipped. Apparently, the baby didn’t appreciate the excitement. Her face paled.

  “Are you alright?” he repeated. Concern was etched on his face.

  “I’m alright. You scared me. What were you doing out of bed?”

  “I couldn’t sleep, and I went for a walk. Are you sure everything’s alright?”

  She wrenched out of his grasp. “Of course, I’m alright! Now that I’m sure my husband is safe and sound, I’m going back to bed.” And with that, Katherine, Princess of Adven, turned around and marched back to her bedroom.

  Michael shook his head and quietly followed her back to bed, picking up the candle as he went.

  The morning light couldn’t pierce Katherine’s dark mood. Her nightmare had frightened her terribly, more than she wanted to admit. As she dressed and began to move about her day, the darkness hung on her like a thick cloak.

  “Katherine?”

  She turned to look at her husband. The concern she had seen on Michael’s face the night before was still there. It filled her heart with the pain of her nightmares and the burdens of her secrets, but what could she do? Tangled in the lies she had woven, there was nothing to do but continue the charade. “I’m fine, Michael. Would you please stop asking?”

  The concern is his eyes changed to pain as she shut him out. But she had no choice. That was what she had to keep telling herself. Turning her attention to the papers before her, she continued. “What is the status of the training?”

  Michael cleared his throat before answering. “Everything is moving faster than we planned. Actually, Adam wanted us to inspect the knights this afternoon.”

  “Assuming it stops snowing?”

  He laughed. “Assuming it stops snowing. Although, knowing Adam, he’d march the knights out in the snow and claim it was part of their training.” He stopped laughing. “So, I’ll say we’re coming?”

  Katherine nodded as she looked over more paperwork. The papers were spread out over the table in the Hall. The couple shared the corner closest to the fireplace. Close enough for warmth, but not too warm. Hard bread left over from breakfast sat a little way away, and Michael munched on it from time to time, chewing thoughtfully. He thought this would be a good time to try conversing again. They were alone. Surely no one would need them for awhile. Maybe this time she would talk to him.

  “Katherine…”

  Knock. Knock. Knock.

  “Enter!” Her voice echoed across the hall. Michael’s ears danced at the lilting melody of his wife’s voice. He loved her so much. There was no doubt about it.

  “Your Majesties.” Edwin entered and bowed. “I’m sorry to interrupt, but Princess Katherine is needed at the Council. Your presence will be required later Michael. That was the message I was to deliver.” Another stiff bow and he was gone.

  Katherine sighed and stretched as she stood. “We’ll have to finish this later. I wonder what the Council wants.”

  “Probably more details about the coronation.”

  “Probably.” She stretched again. “Are you coming?”

  “I’ll be along later.”

  “Alright.” A peck on the cheek. “I promise I’m fine, Michael. Really.”

  Before he could object, she was out the door. The fire crackled beside him, but Michael felt cold and very much alone.

  It did indeed stop snowing for the enterprising Adam. All the knights were out with swords ready to present before their future king and queen. As the occasion was an attempt at solemnity, Katherine and Michael rode their horses up and down the lines of knights. It frightened her how few knights were in her army, compared to the vastness of the army they were up against. She shook off the shiver of fear that crept up her spine. When the inspection was completed, Adam was called forward. He thanked them for their time and lauded the men for their good work.

  “Your Majesties, would it be too much to ask for a reward for these men and their hard work?” The men looked at one another in shock. Why would Adam be so blunt with the Princess and her husband?

  Katherine laughed. “If it pleases you.”

  Adam smiled. “A day off.”

  She looked puzzled. Michael shrugged.

  “A day of play for those who have been working hard towards the coronation. We do not have many days left of winter. Therefore, there are few days we can be fairly certain our enemy is not waiting at our doorsteps. Let us thank God for the days he has given us and celebrate with one another: life and faith and trust in our God.”

  The crowd was stunned at the quiet, yet solemn, speech. A moment passed before Katherine spoke again. “You may have your day. Two weeks from today. I appoint Adam as the leader in this venture. All questions may be directed to him.” She turned her horse and stately, but quickly, fled. Michael nodded to all and turned his horse to follow hers.

  He caught up with her in the stable. Edwin was putting her horse away in the stall as she rewarded it with a carrot for such good behavior. With the horse safely away, and Edwin’s attention now on Michael’s horse, the couple wandered away from the crowds.

  “You seemed distracted today.”

  Katherine pulled her cloak closer to her. Today was cold, but not as cold as it had been. Her breath left little cloud wisps in the air as they walked through the snow. When she glanced back, there were footprints to match each crunching of snow as they passed. She didn’t answer Michael’s unspoken question.

  “Adam spoke very eloquently.”

  “Yes. He did.”

  “He did a good job of presenting his point.”

  “Yes.”

  Michael began to grow frustrated. Their leisurely pace failed to match the conversat
ion. Every tactic was blocked by a wall he couldn’t scale.

  “Katherine.” He grabbed her hand to stop her from walking.

  “Yes?”

  “There’s something wrong. You were rushing to get away at the end of the inspection. What was so wrong with Adam’s proposal?”

  “Nothing at all.”

  “Then why…”

  “It’s my birthday.”

  “Today is?”

  She sighed. “No. Two weeks from today.”

  “Why does that upset you?” Michael examined her face for a clue to her despondency. But she wouldn’t look at him. Her face was downcast; and her hair fell in her face because of the slight breeze.

  “I haven’t celebrated it since Father left. He threw me a big party on my eighteenth birthday. It was my last birthday before the war…” She shook her head to remind herself to continue. “There was a great feast and celebrations throughout Adven. It was a time of celebration for all the people. The winter had been a calm one. The previous harvest had been good.” Her eyes finally met Michael’s. “My Father made an effort to make my birthday special. He always did, but this year especially. There were rumors of war on the outskirts of Adven, and he suspected the worst. As usual he was right. Two months later I waved goodbye and that was the last I saw him alive.”

  Michael touched her shoulder gently. He wished he could wipe away the pain in his young wife’s eyes. What a life! She had everything anyone could want, but after her mother died…nothing had gone right.

  “It will be alright, Katherine. I promise.”

  She shook her head. “Can you make the war stop? Can you bring spring? Can you raise my Father back from the dead?”

  Gently, ever so gently, he pulled her close to him. Her warmth mixed with his own and he felt her muscles relax as she leaned into him. “I would if I could. How I wish I could!”

  And then, Katherine cried. She let all her tears encompass her fears both present and past. Her whole body racked with the sobs as she buried her face into her husband’s shoulder. Some of the tears froze on her face, while others splashed onto his cloak. “I should have been there. I should have been there to save him. But I couldn’t. I couldn’t save him.”

  Michael listened in silence. “It’s not your fault your father died.”

  “Yes, it is.”

  “What could you have done?”

  She pulled back. “I could have been there. Instead of sitting here waiting for letters that never came, I should have gone out and help fight. Then maybe I would have been able to save him…”

  “But who would have run the kingdom while you were away? The Regents had almost given up on you after a few months. What would have happened if you had been gone for years? Katherine, there was nothing you could have done differently!”

  “How do you know? You aren’t God! You don’t know!” she screamed and pushed Michael away from her. He tried to speak, but she covered her face with her hands and ran off through the snow. As the snowflakes started drifting down to the ground, he stood praying for his wife.

  What do I do now, God?

  Chapter Fifteen

  Katherine handed over the details to Adam, just as she had promised. Everything went through him. Of course, this meant everything was scrutinized and analyzed once, twice, and as many times as he felt necessary. This was to be a celebration perfect in every way. It wasn’t just meant to give the men a rest; it was meant to give them hope. As the dark days of winter enveloped the tiny kingdom of Adven, fear began to set in. No one knew how the war would end or where they would be a year from now. Would there even be a kingdom of Adven a year from now?

  Adam understood the feeling that began to creep silently through the ranks. It was reflected in the seriousness of every drill. The lack of joy in the faces of the men and the quiet rustle of feet through crunching snow epitomized the fear. If they didn’t do their drills or sharpen their swords, Adven would be lost. But, unlike those still serving the silent gods of their fathers, Adam and Edwin had hope. They poured their hope into the lives of those around them, filling the empty vessels with life and fulfillment. Each day was a new opportunity to share the hope they had found with those whose lives were devoid of hope.

  Michael observed the same feeling creep through the servants of the house. They did their work well, but without feeling. Fear of darkness, fear of unsettling sounds, fear of the unknown world beyond the castle walls filled every action with distress. Was the enemy sneaking up on the castle as they washed the dishes? Was the crazy leader plotting their ruin as they swept the throne room? Was this the last meal they would eat as they peeled the potatoes for soup? The thoughts were almost overpowering for the poor hopeless people of Adven. Unknown things waited for them somewhere. War was one thing when it was in some battlefield far away. War was real when it was knocking on your doorstep.

  The horror that filled the people filled their princess. As she sat in her room day after day looking out the frost-covered window, fear frosted her heart. Fear of the war. Fear of the man trying to kill her. Fear of death. Fear of this baby growing inside her. Fear of Michael’s love ending. Would he ever forgive her? She had shut him out of her world on more than one occasion. With each new confession of past pain came the new pain of the secrets she bore. Tears were a constant in her eyes. Where would she be a year from now? Would she even be alive a year from now? Would this baby?

  Katherine’s mind was a whirlwind of fear that threatened to sweep her away. Her tears were tiny floods that sought to drown her in their unexpressed sorrow. Her heart broke when she saw Michael solemnly walking in the garden path, alone. She should be there to support him! She was his wife after all. But the pain was too great to bear. She couldn’t bear his pain in addition to her own. Honestly, she wasn’t sure if she would ever be able to bear another’s pain in addition to her own. Her love never died. In fact, it drove her to prove her love by doing every perfectly. The room was always neat. His papers always in order. She was prompt for every meeting. Respectful in every council. She valued his advice and received his criticism with grace. But her heart was so heavy. It was sealed up so tight that the love could not come out. Michael’s eyes looked broken and empty when he looked at her. His heart was full of faith, and it was expressed in his unconditional love for her. Would she ever be able to accept it?

  “Katherine?”

  She pulled the blankets down so he could see her face. “I’m trying to sleep, Michael.”

  He paused. “I’m sorry to bring up past hurts. I’d make them all go away if I could.”

  “I know.”

  “Tomorrow is going to be hard on you.” It was a fact, not a question.

  She nodded silently.

  “Thank you for going through with it.” He leaned over to kiss her cheek.

  She felt the baby kicking. The weight of her secret and her desperation for it to remain a secret troubled her, but she ignored her guilty conscience. “I’m tired, Michael.” And with that final push accompanied by a small kick, she rolled over and closed her eyes.

  “Katherine…”

  “Michael, please. Just let me sleep.”

  She could feel him thinking about what to do next. Her heart ached for him to hold her. She wanted his comfort, but there was a small secret that was turning out to be not so small after all that sat between them.

  “I love you, Katherine. You know that don’t you?”

  “Of course, I do. I’m just tired.”

  “Sleep well, my love.”

  She closed her eyes shut to try and stop the tears trickling down her face.

  The castle was decorated as festively as could be arranged. Colorful cloths hung on the walls, and the tables were covered with bright tablecloths. Everything was bright and happy. Blues, yellows, reds, and purples splattered the walls and clothing in the room. Everyone was happy and joy filled every heart. The women wore their best dresses, and the men wore bright colors with their swords strapped to their belts, a cons
tant reminder that this was still war.

  Food covered the tables. Chicken, pork, and fish in all varieties of ways spanned the great table along with a huge variety of all the vegetables they’d been saving through the winter. Katherine had insisted they use whatever they needed. There were some who protested that this kind of celebration should wait for the coronation, but her quiet insistence rejected that thought. There was to be no shortage for anyone present.

  Adam stood by the fire and watched the result of his handiwork. Everyone danced and laughed with each other. They ate of the food provided. Happiness was clear on every face; even Michael looked happy for a change! He moved among the people. A story here. A bite to eat there. A laugh. A dance. The king was comfortable with his people, and they with him. The only figure drifting through the day was Katherine.

  She stood to one side. Speaking only when spoken to. Quietly observing her husband wander around through the people. Her face showed no emotion, whether joy or sadness. Only her eyes moved. They searched for something among the faces of the crowd, the never flickering eyes danced across the faces. Her eyes looked so empty; it made Adam shiver. He observed for as long as he felt he could possibly go on staring at those empty eyes before grabbing Michael, who was just walking past.

  “Michael, is there something wrong with Katherine?”

  The happiness flickered for a second. The pain was revealed in his eyes for one brief second and then was covered up by what was now revealed as false happiness.

  “Why do you ask? Has she said something?”

  Adam shook his head. “I was just watching. She seems a little distant.”

  Now anger flickered through the calm eyes. “What do you mean?”

  “I didn’t mean anything by it, Michael. I just wondered if there was something bothering her.”

  “Wouldn’t I know that? I am her husband.” The emotions were flooding the eyes now. Anger mixed with confusion mixed with pain danced around in the irises.

  Adam once again observed silently. “You don’t know, do you?”