Into The Storm

by Melanie Moreland

  I let her cry and ramble, rocking her, my own thoughts jumbled and chaotic. Slowly she calmed and became limp in my arms with exhaustion. I tilted her chin up with one finger and gazed at her. Her pain and conflict were clearly visible in her eyes. I drew in a painful breath.

  “No, you didn’t know. Neither of us did. We knew it was a possibility though, Rabbit. And now you do know. You have a life waiting for you. Someone who appears to love you; who is looking for you,” I spoke slowly, trying to keep the tremor in my voice from coming through.

  Her eyes widened. “What are you saying?”

  “If you were mine, Rabbit, and you were taken from me, I wouldn’t stop until I found you. It would drive me mental if I couldn’t find you. Your husband has to be going through hell.”

  Her voice was barely a whisper. “I thought I was yours.”

  I had to close my eyes at the pain that hit me. I struggled to keep my voice even. “I only borrowed you, Rabbit. We both know you were never mine to keep.”

  There was total silence in the room.

  Rabbit pulled away and stood up.

  “What happens now?” she whispered, choking back sobs.

  I stood up. My arms ached to drag her to me and tell her we did nothing. That she could stay here with me and forget about what we had seen. But I knew that was impossible. She had a life waiting. Someone who cared. A chance for a family. For a real life.

  Not a life spent stagnating on a piece of property with someone who could never take her anywhere. Who couldn’t give her a family or offer her a life outside these walls. Who, over time, she would grow to resent.

  “I’ll figure it out,” I assured her, quietly.

  She turned away.

  My heart broke.

  Chapter Twenty-Two

  Joshua

  I sat down in the chair, my head in my hands. My mind was full and I longed to be downstairs with Rabbit. I wanted to hold her and keep her close, but I knew I couldn’t. She wouldn’t even look at me when I left. Bear stayed with her.

  My mind raced. Was he telling the truth? Who would make up such an elaborate lie? I watched the newsreel over and over again. If his story was fabricated, it could so easily be torn apart if Rabbit’s memory was intact. Why would he risk that? I stood up, pacing and thinking, my mind weary but my body tense and anxious and not able to settle. I found myself, wishing more than ever, that she could remember something. Something that would tell me what I needed to do.

  Time passed and I was still in total chaos. I found myself back in front of my computer staring at the pictures of Rabbit. I couldn’t think of her as Elizabeth. The difference between the two women was vast. The one on the screen was a stranger to me who lived in a world I no longer belonged in. The one downstairs I knew and loved, but didn’t belong in my world.

  My mind and my heart were at war. I knew what I should do, what I had to do, what was seemingly the right thing to do. My mind was very clear on that. My heart screamed at the injustice of the decision my mind was making.

  It was getting dark when I finally picked up the phone and called Cecilia. She answered on the first ring. “I need your help. And Trevor’s,” I said without any preliminary greeting.

  “He’s already here,” she informed me. “I thought you might need him. Do you want us to come to the house now?”

  My stomach lurched. “Yes.”

  I hung up.

  I checked on Rabbit. She had obviously cried herself to sleep. I stood looking down on her, dreading what was about to happen, knowing I was about to lose her. Bear was right beside her, his paw on her leg. He regarded me sadly, as if he also knew what we were about to lose. I pulled the blanket up around Rabbit and lightly kissed her forehead. I pulled the door closed, hoping I could make it through the meeting with Trevor and Cecilia before she woke up.

  “Can it be done?” I asked Trevor. “Will it work?”

  He looked at me, nodding. “You’ve thought it all out very well, Joshua. And Daniel has agreed to help.”

  Cecilia spoke up. “Are you sure, Joshua?”

  I shrugged wearily. “What choice do I have, Cecilia? Keep her here; always worrying that she’d be happier there? Wondering if one day she will suddenly remember her other life and then leave? I can’t even ask her to choose because right now she’ll choose wrong. She’ll choose safe. I have to be the one to make the decision.”

  “How are you going to tell her?”

  “Honestly. She deserves that. And, doing this will make sure she is above question. Nothing will stand in the way of going back to her real life.”

  “What if it’s not what she wants?” Trevor’s voice was soft when he spoke up.

  I shook my head. “How can I ask her that? She doesn’t know what she wants, Trevor. She still can’t remember. Right now she only knows me. I think when she is back in familiar surroundings she’ll settle into her life and her memory will come back.”

  I looked down. “Then I’ll just be the distant memory.”

  I heard Cecilia’s sharp intake of breath.

  “What if she remembers and she wants to choose differently?” Trevor asked.

  I looked up. “I can’t live with that hope, Trevor. Because, when it doesn’t happen, it will crush me. I have nothing to offer her here. Just a life of hiding from the world. He has everything. She had a life. What looks like a full, busy life. I can’t keep her from that because of how it will affect me. There’s really no choice here. I’m damned either way. But this … this is the best for her.”

  I turned to Cecilia. “Can you set up that number? Just as I asked? Fast?”

  She nodded.

  “How long will it take for you to set up the paperwork trail, Trevor?”

  He stood up. “I know this is hard, Joshua, but I agree, it is the right thing to do. I’ll call Daniel now. I’m sure it can be done quickly.” He went downstairs and I heard the door opening and closing beside him.

  Cecilia sat quietly. “I wish I hadn’t seen the news last night.”

  I shook my head. “It was bound to happen eventually. I knew that. Better now than a few more weeks. The longer she was here, the harder it would be to let go.”

  Her head tilted as she stared pointedly at me. “And it’s not hard now, Joshua?”

  For one moment I allowed the pain out. My voice was rough.

  “It’s fucking killing me, Cecilia.”

  I heard Rabbit’s soft footsteps coming down the hall. I braced myself for the conversation we were about to have. She came in silently and sat down beside me. I turned to her, wincing at the sight of her ravaged features.

  “I made some sandwiches,” I offered, not sure where to start.

  She shook her head. “I’m not hungry right now.”

  I nodded. I wasn’t either.

  “I heard voices earlier. Was Cecilia here?”

  I nodded. “And Trevor,” I added.

  “Why?” she whispered, her voice trembling.

  I faced her and reached for her hand. I could feel the tremor in it as she stared at me.

  “He is helping me set up some things, so you can go home … Elizabeth.”

  Her hand tightened in mine.

  “Rabbit. I’m Rabbit,” she protested.

  I shook my head. “No, your name is Elizabeth. And soon, you’re going home to your husband.”

  She pulled her hand away. “What am I going to do—just show up and say ‘oh, sorry, I forgot about you and I’ve been sleeping with someone else. But I’m back so let’s carry on?’ Is that what I’m supposed to do, Joshua? Pretend you didn’t happen? That we didn’t happen?”

  I looked at her. “Exactly. Listen to me, Elizabeth. I don’t exist. When you leave here, it has to be as if we never happened. Do you understand me? You weren’t here.”

  She stared at me. “Where was I then, Joshua? I’m pretty sure someone is going to ask me that.”

  “You were found by someone the night of the storm, by a care worker at a small, private car
e home. They have been looking after you. You’ve had amnesia, and with the aftermath of the storm, they only just saw the news article about you and contacted the authorities. They were without power or phone lines and were unable to contact the police when they first found you.”

  She shook her head. “But, I wasn’t. I was here.”

  “It will all be documented. Unquestionably. There will be nothing leading you here.”

  “I don’t understand.”

  “The care home is privately run by a good friend who is a doctor. Trevor contacted him and he agreed to do this for me … as a personal favor. And, in turn, the care home will get a much needed cash donation.”

  “And that’s it? It’s over? Done? I don’t get a say?”

  “And what would you say? You want to stay here? You don’t love your husband or miss your life? You don’t know that, so you can’t say it.”

  “I know what I feel for you,” she whispered.

  The pain was like a punch in the gut. “You’ll go back to your real life, Elizabeth, and I’ll just become a memory you can think of every so often.”

  She stood up, anger rolling off her.

  “Is that what you think, Joshua? That I’ll just carry on and everything will be fine? I’ll forget about you instead of him? That I’ll just pick up where I left off? You think my feelings for you aren’t real? That’s how shallow you think I am?”

  I shook my head. “No … Rabbit. I know you feel something for me. I just don’t think it’s based on reality. You’re still confused and grateful. It will fade once you are back where you belong.”

  “It will fade? Where I belong? Fuck you, Joshua,” she hissed.

  I stared at her, my mouth agape. She so rarely swore or expressed anger.

  She turned and walked away, slamming the bedroom door behind her. I sat down on the sofa in utter shock. I looked at Bear in astonishment, and then quickly averted my eyes as I saw his expression.

  I was pretty sure if he could talk, he’d tell me to fuck off as well.

  The sound of Rabbit crying out woke me from my restless sleep on the sofa. Immediately, I ran to the bedroom where she was sobbing in her sleep, twisting restlessly in the blankets. I sat beside her and gathered her in my arms, hushing her, waking her from her nightmare. Once fully awake, her arms tightened around my neck and her sobs started again.

  “Don’t, Joshua. Don’t make me leave you. Please,” her shaking voice pleaded, tearing at my already aching heart. “I love you ... I love you …” her voice trailed off in a deep sob.

  I couldn’t speak as my own tears finally rolled down my face, soaking into her hair. I kept rocking her, making soft noises until I felt her grow heavy against my chest, pulled back into sleep with exhaustion. I laid her back down but her arms remained locked around me. Sighing, I lay beside her and pulled the blankets up around us, wishing I could make the world go away as easily by hiding under the covers.

  The first things I saw when I woke up in the light of the morning were Rabbit’s eyes gazing at me solemnly. The pain I saw in them reflected my own agony back at me. I raised my hand and stroked her cheek gently.

  “You’re sending me back, aren’t you? No matter what I say?” she whispered.

  I nodded. “It’s the right thing to do. I can’t keep you … no matter how much I want to. If the roles were reversed …” I shuddered, thinking how I would feel. “We have to do this.”

  “Do you want to?”

  “I love you, Rabbit,” I said simply.

  Her eyes closed for a few minutes. When they opened, she looked at me with resignation. “I won’t fight you, Joshua. You’ve made your decision. Part of me knows you’re right. But I want something.”

  “What?” I’d give her anything.

  “I don’t know when I’m leaving. I don’t know if it’s in two hours or two days, and … I don’t want to know because it will be all I dwell on. But until I do, I’m Rabbit. Your Rabbit. Give me that. Please.”

  My heart hurt so much I was sure it was about to explode. I stared at her precious face, trying to commit it to memory. I knew what she was asking and I would give it to her. I nodded slowly and pulled her to me. I captured her mouth with mine and kissed her deeply, my body already responding to her plea.

  “Mine.”

  The pain we were both feeling was sensed no matter how we tried to ignore it. Rabbit clung to me and I hated even being in a different room than she was. She encouraged every touch, every kiss, to become more and I gave her everything she wanted. I needed her as much as she needed me.

  More than once, I found her at the computer studying the pictures of her and Brian. I watched her staring intently at the screen and could see how hard she was trying to recall a memory, but nothing seemed to stimulate her recollection. Her headaches continued but I was now certain they were related to the stress of her memory loss.

  She was highly emotional and my own responses simmered just below the surface. Everything was intense. One look could send her into a frenzy of tears, just as a glance from her would have me pulling her onto the nearest surface and taking her in a desperate need to imprint the memory of her skin into mine. Words that should have been exchanged and conversations that should have happened were disregarded. We were both perched precariously on an emotional ledge and neither of us was able to cope with much more. Bear spent most of his time with his head buried in his paws looking sad. He could sense the stress and sadness around us, and although he didn’t understand it, it affected him as well. He especially hated it when Rabbit would begin to sob and often his great head would bury itself in her lap in furry comfort, a soft whine coming from his throat.

  Two mornings later, I looked over at the clock. It was seven. Cecilia and Trevor would be here soon. Everything was in place. A couple of hours from now, I would once again be alone. But this time I would really know just how alone I was in my secluded world.

  I looked down at Rabbit who had only slept fitfully in the night again. Even though we hadn’t discussed it, I think she sensed last night was our final night together. Our lovemaking had been stained with a feeling of desperation and she had clung to me afterwards, sobbing. I had lain awake all night watching her, absorbing and memorizing all the little details of her in the light I left burning. I couldn’t stand the thought of wasting time sleeping. I would have the rest of my life to do that. I watched her briefly for a few more minutes and then leaned forward and pressed my lips softly against her forehead in a silent farewell, fighting back my emotions. I slid from the bed and grabbed some clothes. I commanded Bear to come with me and I quickly dressed with shaking hands in the kitchen, and then surprised him by snapping a leash on his collar. I stood feeling lost for a minute, then headed out to the barn.

  I heard the car pull up and both Cecilia and Trevor entered the barn. Cecilia took one look at me and threw her arms around my neck in a tight hug. I patted her back awkwardly and pulled away.

  I looked at Trevor. “It’s all set?”

  He nodded. “I have the records in my briefcase. The care home has the originals on file. I have the statement of the person who found her and brought her into the care home. No one will question the word of Ellen or Daniel Tate. Everything is covered, Joshua.”

  I nodded, unable to speak. Bear was sitting at my feet, whining in his throat, unsure as to why he was tied up and why I was so upset. I patted his head. Looking at Cecilia, I handed her a small envelope. “Make sure she gets this. Tell her to guard it carefully. No matter what. Tell her if she needs me … tell her she’ll figure it out.”

  She nodded.

  “Give her my grey hoodie to wear. She likes that one and it will keep her warm.” My voice broke and I turned away. “Don’t let her come out here, Cecilia. If she asks to stay … I won’t be able to let her go. I can’t watch her leave. Please.”

  “I’ll take care of her, I promise, Joshua,” she spoke comfortingly.

  I nodded and heard her leave.

  Trevor ca
me up to me and patted my shoulder in comfort. “I called John and he’s on his way with the chopper. I’ll make sure they are both okay, Joshua.”

  I was grateful for that. But I wondered if I would ever be okay again.

  I could hear the helicopter approach. It was rare that John flew the chopper onto my property, usually landing at the small airfield in Gravenhurst, and Bear’s ears flattened at the strange noise and he buried his head in his paws, whimpering at the loud sound. Unable to help myself, I stood to the side of the door and watched as Cecilia came out, her arm around a sobbing Rabbit. I saw Rabbit struggle to get away from Cecilia and my hand instinctively reached out to her. I began to move forward, every instinct in me telling me to go to her, comfort her and protect her. Trevor grabbed my arm. “Steady there, Joshua. You knew this was going to be the most difficult part.”

  I allowed him to hold me back and I let the tears drip down my face unheeded as I watched Cecilia push Rabbit into the helicopter that would take her away from me. Bear suddenly stood up, barking madly, desperately trying to get off his leash and to Rabbit. His howls increased as the door shut and the chopper lifted from the ground. I was grateful the sound of the chopper kept her from hearing him and, at the same time, had kept me from hearing her sobs. I wasn’t sure I was strong enough for that. Despite being told I was doing the right thing repeatedly, there was a piece of me that was screaming how wrong this was; for me and for Rabbit. My eyes followed the chopper as it lifted and flew away, quickly disappearing from sight. Trevor released my arm and I dropped to my knees beside Bear, wrapping my arms around his great neck. I stayed like that, struggling to calm down, listening to Bear’s heavy pants and sad whimpers. I sat up and stared unseeingly at Rabbit’s car. In all of this mess, we had never discussed the car. There was so much we had never discussed.