The Things We Cannot Change

by Kate L. Mary

  I scurried forward and slammed the front door shut before hurrying back to his side. “Here,” I said, grabbing his arm and lugging him to his feet. “Stand up. Get out of these clothes.”

  He was trembling, shaking and totally unable to help me as I worked to undo the zipper on his jacket. I shoved it off and then went to work freeing him from his shirt. His teeth clanged together, matching the pounding of my heart when I eased him back to the floor so I could get his shoes and pants off. Once he was naked except for his boxers, I pulled him across the room toward the fire.

  “Sit here.”

  He followed orders without protest when I urged him to sit in front of the fire, hugging himself as he trembled. I threw a few more logs on the fire, desperate to get the temperature in the room up, but I knew it wouldn’t be enough. Not by a long shot. He needed body heat.

  I stripped down to nothing but my bra and underwear before settling down at his side. Mimicking what he had done with me the first night we curled up next to each other, I pulled the blankets around us as I eased him down, and then I wrapped my body around his. Trevor’s skin was like ice, and at first I wasn’t sure that I was doing any good. I knew he was making me cold, but I also knew I wasn’t ready to give up on him. So I rubbed my hands up and down his arms and chest, moved my legs against his, and did everything I could think of to get the blood flowing faster through his body.

  “Hang on,” I whispered in his ear. “Just hold on.”

  I didn’t stop trying to warm him, didn’t stop moving my hands and body against his icy flesh, and before long the chill had begun to ease. Then I was hot, sweating with my body pressed up against his while also sitting so close to the fire and with so many blankets piled on top of us. Still, I didn’t stop. Didn’t even pause in my attempt to warm him up.

  “Jade.” By the time his ragged voice broke through the silence I felt like I was about to be split in half from the tension in my body.

  A sob broke out of me, and when he twisted so he was facing me I didn’t stop him. Seeing that the color had returned to his lips and the healthy pallor of his skin only made another cry claw its way out of me.

  “I’m okay,” he said, wrapping his arms around me. “I’m sorry I scared you.”

  I wanted to laugh. Scared wasn’t even close to how I had felt, but I couldn’t make myself talk. Instead, I hugged him back, pressing my damp forehead against his bare chest and holding on like I was afraid he would disappear. Which I very much was.

  “I thought I would never see you again,” I managed to get out.

  “I’m sorry,” he said again. His lips brushed against my forehead and I closed my eyes. “I’m sorry I scared you.”

  When Trevor’s lips touched my cheek I tilted my face up on instinct, turning so my mouth was ready for his. He didn’t disappoint, and in only a second we were kissing, and it was a million times more desperate than the last time. Just like my body was.

  If I had been uncertain about what I wanted before Trevor left yesterday, I couldn’t remember it now. Not as his mouth moved over mine, not when his tongue swept over my lips and I opened to him. Not when we rolled us so I was on my back and he was on top of me. Just like before he was hard, and just like before he moved against me. Only this time there was almost no fabric separating us and I could feel every ridge against my body. I raised my hips to meet his thrusts, desperate to be closer to him but unable to stop kissing him long enough to remove the last little bit of clothes keeping us apart. It was only a pair of lacy underwear for me, and boxer briefs for him, and while it did nothing to keep my imagination from running wild, it did succeed in keeping him from finding a home inside me.

  I moved my hands down, over his chest to the waistband of his boxers, never breaking the kiss. Somehow, I had no idea how, I managed to get them down. He did the rest, kicking his legs until his underwear had disappeared. Then he was pulling at my thong, his mouth attacking mine. I shifted, but I couldn’t move enough to help him, not with his body on mine and not with his lips refusing to give me a break.

  “Fuck,” he muttered against my lips, and then pulled back and ripped the thong from my body.

  In the bright light shining in through the window his chest seemed twice as muscular as it had the last time I’d seen him naked, back in New York before we’d fled the city. He’d been working hard since we arrived here, so I shouldn’t have been surprised, but I was. Or maybe I was just shocked by how much it affected me. By the way it made my breath catch in my throat or how it had my pulse racing.

  In seconds his mouth was back on mine and he was pushing his way inside me, banishing all thoughts of his muscular chest from my mind. My fingers tightened on his arms, my nails digging into his biceps at the sudden intrusion. It was glorious.

  Our first time together had been in Central Park, only I had been too out of it both emotionally and mentally to remember much about it. Now, though, I was totally with it, completely aware of every inch, every roll of his hips, and every brush of his hands against my body. I thrust my hips up, desperate for him to move, and he obliged, but slower than I wanted. I was desperate for him, for his touch, and for the sweet release I knew would come.

  “Trevor,” I gasped against his lips. “Faster. Please.”

  “No.” He kissed me once more before pulling back so he could look me in the eye. “Last time it was over too fast. I didn’t take the time to appreciate it. To appreciate you. I want to do it right this time. I want to take my time.”

  Before I could say another word he was kissing me again. Moving, but slowly, teasingly. We moved together, our bodies giving in to the desire we’d been ignoring for so long and savoring every moment of it. At one point he pulled away, leaving me feeling lost and alone, but only for a moment, and then he was kissing his way down my body, pushing my legs aside so he could kiss and explore other parts of me until I was screaming out his name.

  He worked his way back up my body, his tongue forging a trail across my skin as he did. The detour he took when he reached my breasts was enough to make my legs tremble all over again, and by the time he was once again between my legs and sliding into me I was well on my way to a second orgasm.

  This time he didn’t hold back, and I clung to him with everything I had as he thrust into me. Thinking about him and nothing else. Thinking about us together in this house and how it didn’t matter if the rest of the world went to shit as long as we were together.

  Afterward, we lay side by side staring at the fire, my head resting on Trevor’s arm My heart was still pounding and my body was slick with sweat, and in the aftermath of what had been a very impulsive decision, I once again found myself twisting the rings on my finger. This time, however, I also pulled on them just a little. When they slid over my knuckle I didn’t slip them back on, but I didn’t take them off. I left them there, resting on my finger while I tried to decide what to do.

  “What happened?” I asked Trevor, needing to know not only where he had been but also wanting a distraction from the rings that were now barely balanced on my finger.

  “I ran into some men while I was out and I got a really bad vibe.”

  I twisted so I could look him in the eye, curling my finger so the rings didn’t fall off. “Men? How many? What were they doing?”

  We hadn’t seen anyone since leaving New York City and that had been months ago at this point. How long I wasn’t exactly certain, the first few weeks here were a blur and we’d been too busy since then to really bother keeping track of the time, but I knew we had to be into February by now. It had been early fall when we left the city.

  “There were three of them,” he said, his eyes holding mine. “I don’t know what they were doing. Probably looking for supplies just like me. We talked and they asked me questions. I asked them stuff too, but they weren’t very forthcoming and I just got a bad vibe from them. Like something wasn’t right. I was afraid if I came home right away they’d follow, so I drove a different direction and tried to hang ou
t. I found an empty house and pretended it was where I was staying. Just like I thought, they showed up.”

  I sat up and the blanket slipped from my body. A chill moved up my spine, but it had nothing to do with the cool air on my bare breasts. “What happened?”

  “They were looking for me, for my supplies. They were armed. I went out the back door and headed off on foot. I had to leave the snowmobile and supplies I’d found behind, but I was outnumbered. I wouldn’t have made it if I’d tried to take a stand.”

  “You shouldn’t have tried,” I said when my heart thumped harder. “Not when you were outnumbered like that. We can find more supplies and we have another snowmobile, but if I lost you—”

  My voice cracked and I slid up against him again when tears filled my eyes. I slid my arms around him, hugging his torso, and the rings slipped from my finger. I couldn’t make myself care. Not when Trevor had been in danger.

  “I can’t lose you,” I whispered.

  Trevor ran his hand down my head and whispered soothing words, but I couldn’t speak and I couldn’t really focus on what he was saying. All I could think about was what would happen to me if he hadn’t come back, and once again that had me thinking about the twelve bottles of wine stashed in the guestroom closet. I knew I should tell him about them, that it was the smart thing to do, but with the fear of the unknown hanging over me, I couldn’t make myself do it. I told myself it was no big deal. I wasn’t planning on drinking them. They were just a safety net. That’s all. A last resort in case the worst happened.

  Chapter 12

  Everything about our routine changed after that. After Trevor and I had succumbed to our urges a second time I had retrieved my wedding rings from the blankets, but I hadn’t put them back on. Instead I placed them on the fireplace mantle for safekeeping. Just in case I decided to put them back on.

  Trevor noticed, but he said nothing about it. Thanks to the extra few feet of snow that had been dumped on the world, we now found ourselves trapped inside, and for once neither one of us cared. More often than not Trevor woke me with a kiss or a touch, and more often than not it led to sex. With little else to do afternoons weren’t much different, and bedtime had us wrapped up in one another’s arms. It was the natural course of things even if it did feel surreal sometimes, knowing that the world had turned into a graveyard and everything we’d ever known was gone. Still, I couldn’t bring myself to feel bad, and I knew Trevor didn’t either.

  We kept on the lookout for the men Trevor had seen, but as the days turned into a week and then crept up on two we began to relax. Trevor had wandered the woods for hours in an attempt to lose them, and even though it had almost cost him his life, it also seemed to have worked.

  I was more comfortable with the idea of being away from it by the time Trevor finally brought up my rings. As if he had not only known that I had needed time to adjust, but could sense that I had made peace with it.

  We were in our makeshift bed, wrapped around one another when he took my left hand and kissed my now naked finger. “You don’t have to stop wearing them if you don’t want to.”

  I smiled up at him, thinking about how much I had despised him at first and how I now couldn’t be near him without wanting to rip his clothes off. Not only that, but one look from him made my heart swell.

  “I know.” I pressed a gentle kiss against his lips. “But it’s a part of moving on. I will always love Nathaniel, but he’s been gone for over a year and clinging to him the way I did almost destroyed my life.”

  Trevor didn’t say anything for a moment while his gaze searched mine, and when he finally did talk what he said shocked me to my core. “Would you ever consider letting me put a ring there?”

  We hadn’t known one another long, and yet I knew Trevor better than I had ever known another person. But did I love him? I cared about him, so deeply that the thought of losing him physically hurt, but I hadn’t even thought about whether or not I was in love with him. It seemed too sudden, as if not enough time had passed, but I knew that wasn’t true. It had only been months, but in a time like this, months felt like years. Plus, I had known that I loved Nathaniel after ten dates. Sometimes you just knew.

  The idea of marriage seemed absurd considering the state of the world, but I also knew the question had more to do with us than the rest of the world. It was about where we were and what I saw happening between us.

  With that in mind I whispered, “Yes.”

  Trevor smiled, and then kissed me. I wrapped my arms around him and just like every other time this happened, it wasn’t long before we were going at it. There was nothing else to do anymore, and we were more than happy to fill our days with sex.

  “God, I wish I could take you out somewhere,” he said as he kissed his way down my body.

  I threaded my fingers through his hair, barely paying attention because his fingers and tongue were driving me nuts. “Where? A date?”

  He paused and smiled up at me. “A nice restaurant. Valentine’s Day is coming up.”

  I laughed and rolled my eyes as I playfully pushed his head back between my legs. For once, I was more than happy to be trapped inside the house.

  The house was quiet but I knew Trevor hadn’t gone outside. The snow had finally stopped falling and over the last week we’d had a bout of unseasonably warm weather, giving us a chance to venture out a little more, but he still wouldn’t have gone out without telling me.

  Of course, if he wasn’t outside I had no idea where he had wandered off to.

  “Trevor?” I called as I moved through the house.

  There was a thump from down the hall and I found my heart beating faster as I hurried toward the sound. It was silly though; there was no reason to be concerned. Whatever Trevor was doing he was alone and safe. We were both safe.

  Another thud sounded as I approached the open door of the first bedroom, and once again my heart began beating faster. Only this time it was for a very different reason. It was the bedroom I’d explored while Trevor was gone, the one that had a case of wine hidden in the back of the closet.

  “Trevor?” I called again as I moved faster, suddenly anxious to see what he was doing. I wasn’t sure if I wanted him to find the wine and get rid of it before I could do something stupid, or if I was hoping it would go unnoticed.

  “Shit,” I heard him mutter just as I turned the corner.

  Just as I’d suspected, the closet door was open and he was crouched inside. The beam of a flashlight lit up the corners of the closet while leaving certain areas black. One of them being the corner where the case was stashed.

  “What are you doing?” I asked when I stopped behind him.

  He cursed again, but when he looked back over his shoulder there was a grin on his face. “You caught me.”

  “Caught you?” I couldn’t help glancing toward the corner as my heart thumped away in my chest. Silently, I prayed that he didn’t find the box even as I doubt that was the outcome I wanted.

  Trevor’s smile widened as he climbed to his feet. “I was looking for a present for you.”

  “A present…” My voice trailed off as my mind went to the wine. Again. It seemed to be all I could think about, especially with it right there. So close.

  “For Valentine’s Day.”

  Trevor shrugged and my thoughts were pulled back to the reality. Valentine’s Day. He’d mentioned the date last night, but I had barely even thought about the romantic holiday that used to cause so much angst among single American women.

  Trevor had already turned back to the closet. “I know it’s kind of dumb, but I thought trying to do something normal might be nice. We missed Thanksgiving and Christmas, after all.”

  He knelt and started digging again, and I watched in frozen horror as he pulled the layers of evening gowns aside.

  “Shit she had a lot of fancy dresses.” He grunted. “What’s this?”

  “Trevor—”

  His name was barely out before he’d pulled the box free, and I
knew the second he had pried it from the depths of the closet that I wouldn’t be able to lie to him. Not with the way I’d said his name, not with the frozen expression of terror on my face.

  “What the…” He moved the flashlight over the box once and then a second time, and then he was turning to face me. “Jade?”

  “I—” I couldn’t think of anything to say, so I didn’t try.

  Trevor stood again, and the way he looked at me reminded me of the man I’d met back in New York. “Did you know about this?”

  I shook my head even as I said, “Only for a little bit. I found it while you were gone. I was going to tell you so you could get rid of it, but then you didn’t come back and I was scared. I didn’t—”

  “Are you fucking kidding me?”

  I jerked away at the anger in his voice, feeling like he had hit me, but I was unable to deny that I deserved it. I’d made him a promise, we’d had a deal, and not only had I gone back on it, but I let him in only to destroy his trust in me.

  “I wasn’t going to drink it,” I said, desperate to convince both of us that I was the person he believed I was. “I just couldn’t stand the thought of getting rid of it, of not having it here if something ended up happening to you.”

  He snorted as he pushed past me and stormed from the room. “Right.”

  For a moment I couldn’t move. The box was still in the middle of the floor, still open, and the wine stared up at me. He hadn’t taken it with him. Meaning he wasn’t thinking about dumping it out. Where was he going, then? Was he leaving me?

  Panic seized me and I took off after him, frantic.

  “Trevor, I’m sorry,” I called. “I am!”

  He was already shoving his feet in to his boots by the time I made it into the other room, and I froze in the doorway. “Forget it. You want to kill yourself, be my guest, but I sure as fuck am not hanging around to watch you do it.”