Adventures of Huckleberry Finn

by Mark Twain

  CHAPTER XXVI.

  WELL, when they was all gone the king he asks Mary Jane how they was offfor spare rooms, and she said she had one spare room, which would do forUncle William, and she'd give her own room to Uncle Harvey, which wasa little bigger, and she would turn into the room with her sisters andsleep on a cot; and up garret was a little cubby, with a pallet in it.The king said the cubby would do for his valley--meaning me.

  So Mary Jane took us up, and she showed them their rooms, which wasplain but nice. ?She said she'd have her frocks and a lot of other trapstook out of her room if they was in Uncle Harvey's way, but he saidthey warn't. ?The frocks was hung along the wall, and before them wasa curtain made out of calico that hung down to the floor. ?There was anold hair trunk in one corner, and a guitar-box in another, and all sortsof little knickknacks and jimcracks around, like girls brisken up a roomwith. ?The king said it was all the more homely and more pleasanter forthese fixings, and so don't disturb them. ?The duke's room was prettysmall, but plenty good enough, and so was my cubby.

  That night they had a big supper, and all them men and women was there,and I stood behind the king and the duke's chairs and waited on them,and the niggers waited on the rest. ?Mary Jane she set at the head ofthe table, with Susan alongside of her, and said how bad the biscuitswas, and how mean the preserves was, and how ornery and tough the friedchickens was--and all that kind of rot, the way women always do for toforce out compliments; and the people all knowed everything was tiptop,and said so--said "How _do_ you get biscuits to brown so nice?" and"Where, for the land's sake, _did_ you get these amaz'n pickles?" andall that kind of humbug talky-talk, just the way people always does at asupper, you know.

  And when it was all done me and the hare-lip had supper in the kitchenoff of the leavings, whilst the others was helping the niggers clean upthe things. ?The hare-lip she got to pumping me about England, and blestif I didn't think the ice was getting mighty thin sometimes. ?She says:

  "Did you ever see the king?"

  "Who? ?William Fourth? ?Well, I bet I have--he goes to our church." ?Iknowed he was dead years ago, but I never let on. ?So when I says hegoes to our church, she says:

  "What--regular?"

  "Yes--regular. ?His pew's right over opposite ourn--on t'other side thepulpit."

  "I thought he lived in London?"

  "Well, he does. ?Where _would_ he live?"

  "But I thought _you_ lived in Sheffield?"

  I see I was up a stump. ?I had to let on to get choked with a chickenbone, so as to get time to think how to get down again. ?Then I says:

  "I mean he goes to our church regular when he's in Sheffield. ?That'sonly in the summer time, when he comes there to take the sea baths."

  "Why, how you talk--Sheffield ain't on the sea."

  "Well, who said it was?"

  "Why, you did."

  "I _didn't_ nuther."

  "You did!"

  "I didn't."

  "You did."

  "I never said nothing of the kind."

  "Well, what _did_ you say, then?"

  "Said he come to take the sea _baths_--that's what I said."

  "Well, then, how's he going to take the sea baths if it ain't on thesea?"

  "Looky here," I says; "did you ever see any Congress-water?"

  "Yes."

  "Well, did you have to go to Congress to get it?"

  "Why, no."

  "Well, neither does William Fourth have to go to the sea to get a seabath."

  "How does he get it, then?"

  "Gets it the way people down here gets Congress-water--in barrels. ?Therein the palace at Sheffield they've got furnaces, and he wants his waterhot. ?They can't bile that amount of water away off there at the sea.They haven't got no conveniences for it."

  "Oh, I see, now. ?You might a said that in the first place and savedtime."

  When she said that I see I was out of the woods again, and so I wascomfortable and glad. ?Next, she says:

  "Do you go to church, too?"

  "Yes--regular."

  "Where do you set?"

  "Why, in our pew."

  "_Whose_ pew?"

  "Why, _ourn_--your Uncle Harvey's."

  "His'n? ?What does _he_ want with a pew?"

  "Wants it to set in. ?What did you _reckon_ he wanted with it?"

  "Why, I thought he'd be in the pulpit."

  Rot him, I forgot he was a preacher. ?I see I was up a stump again, so Iplayed another chicken bone and got another think. ?Then I says:

  "Blame it, do you suppose there ain't but one preacher to a church?"

  "Why, what do they want with more?"

  "What!--to preach before a king? ?I never did see such a girl as you.They don't have no less than seventeen."

  "Seventeen! ?My land! ?Why, I wouldn't set out such a string as that,not if I _never_ got to glory. ?It must take 'em a week."

  "Shucks, they don't _all_ of 'em preach the same day--only _one_ of 'em."

  "Well, then, what does the rest of 'em do?"

  "Oh, nothing much. ?Loll around, pass the plate--and one thing oranother. ?But mainly they don't do nothing."

  "Well, then, what are they _for_?"

  "Why, they're for _style_. ?Don't you know nothing?"

  "Well, I don't _want_ to know no such foolishness as that. ?How isservants treated in England? ?Do they treat 'em better 'n we treat ourniggers?"

  "_No_! ?A servant ain't nobody there. ?They treat them worse than dogs."

  "Don't they give 'em holidays, the way we do, Christmas and New Year'sweek, and Fourth of July?"

  "Oh, just listen! ?A body could tell _you_ hain't ever been to Englandby that. ?Why, Hare-l--why, Joanna, they never see a holiday from year'send to year's end; never go to the circus, nor theater, nor niggershows, nor nowheres."

  "Nor church?"

  "Nor church."

  "But _you_ always went to church."

  Well, I was gone up again. ?I forgot I was the old man's servant. ?Butnext minute I whirled in on a kind of an explanation how a valley wasdifferent from a common servant and _had_ to go to church whether hewanted to or not, and set with the family, on account of its being thelaw. ?But I didn't do it pretty good, and when I got done I see shewarn't satisfied. ?She says:

  "Honest injun, now, hain't you been telling me a lot of lies?"

  "Honest injun," says I.

  "None of it at all?"

  "None of it at all. ?Not a lie in it," says I.

  "Lay your hand on this book and say it."

  I see it warn't nothing but a dictionary, so I laid my hand on it andsaid it. ?So then she looked a little better satisfied, and says:

  "Well, then, I'll believe some of it; but I hope to gracious if I'llbelieve the rest."

  "What is it you won't believe, Joe?" says Mary Jane, stepping in withSusan behind her. ?"It ain't right nor kind for you to talk so to him,and him a stranger and so far from his people. ?How would you like to betreated so?"

  "That's always your way, Maim--always sailing in to help somebody beforethey're hurt. ?I hain't done nothing to him. ?He's told some stretchers,I reckon, and I said I wouldn't swallow it all; and that's every bitand grain I _did_ say. ?I reckon he can stand a little thing like that,can't he?"

  "I don't care whether 'twas little or whether 'twas big; he's here inour house and a stranger, and it wasn't good of you to say it. ?If youwas in his place it would make you feel ashamed; and so you oughtn't tosay a thing to another person that will make _them_ feel ashamed."

  "Why, Mam, he said--"

  "It don't make no difference what he _said_--that ain't the thing. ?Thething is for you to treat him _kind_, and not be saying things to makehim remember he ain't in his own country and amongst his own folks."

  I says to myself, _this_ is a girl that I'm letting that old reptile robher of her money!

  Then Susan _she_ waltzed in; and if you'll believe me, she did giveHare-lip hark from the tomb!

  Says I to myself, and this is _another_ one that I'm
letting him rob herof her money!

  Then Mary Jane she took another inning, and went in sweet and lovelyagain--which was her way; but when she got done there warn't hardlyanything left o' poor Hare-lip. ?So she hollered.

  "All right, then," says the other girls; "you just ask his pardon."

  She done it, too; and she done it beautiful. ?She done it so beautifulit was good to hear; and I wished I could tell her a thousand lies, soshe could do it again.

  I says to myself, this is _another_ one that I'm letting him rob her ofher money. ?And when she got through they all jest laid theirselvesout to make me feel at home and know I was amongst friends. ?I felt soornery and low down and mean that I says to myself, my mind's made up;I'll hive that money for them or bust.

  So then I lit out--for bed, I said, meaning some time or another. ?WhenI got by myself I went to thinking the thing over. ?I says to myself,shall I go to that doctor, private, and blow on these frauds? ?No--thatwon't do. He might tell who told him; then the king and the duke wouldmake it warm for me. ?Shall I go, private, and tell Mary Jane? ?No--Idasn't do it. Her face would give them a hint, sure; they've got themoney, and they'd slide right out and get away with it. ?If she was tofetch in help I'd get mixed up in the business before it was done with,I judge. ?No; there ain't no good way but one. ?I got to steal thatmoney, somehow; and I got to steal it some way that they won't suspicionthat I done it. They've got a good thing here, and they ain't a-goingto leave till they've played this family and this town for all they'reworth, so I'll find a chance time enough. I'll steal it and hide it; andby and by, when I'm away down the river, I'll write a letter and tellMary Jane where it's hid. ?But I better hive it tonight if I can,because the doctor maybe hasn't let up as much as he lets on he has; hemight scare them out of here yet.

  So, thinks I, I'll go and search them rooms. ?Upstairs the hall wasdark, but I found the duke's room, and started to paw around it withmy hands; but I recollected it wouldn't be much like the king to letanybody else take care of that money but his own self; so then I went tohis room and begun to paw around there. ?But I see I couldn't do nothingwithout a candle, and I dasn't light one, of course. ?So I judged I'dgot to do the other thing--lay for them and eavesdrop. ?About that timeI hears their footsteps coming, and was going to skip under the bed; Ireached for it, but it wasn't where I thought it would be; but I touchedthe curtain that hid Mary Jane's frocks, so I jumped in behind that andsnuggled in amongst the gowns, and stood there perfectly still.

  They come in and shut the door; and the first thing the duke done was toget down and look under the bed. ?Then I was glad I hadn't found the bedwhen I wanted it. ?And yet, you know, it's kind of natural to hide underthe bed when you are up to anything private. ?They sets down then, andthe king says:

  "Well, what is it? ?And cut it middlin' short, because it's better forus to be down there a-whoopin' up the mournin' than up here givin' 'em achance to talk us over."

  "Well, this is it, Capet. ?I ain't easy; I ain't comfortable. ?Thatdoctor lays on my mind. ?I wanted to know your plans. ?I've got anotion, and I think it's a sound one."

  "What is it, duke?"

  "That we better glide out of this before three in the morning, and clipit down the river with what we've got. ?Specially, seeing we got it soeasy--_given_ back to us, flung at our heads, as you may say, when ofcourse we allowed to have to steal it back. ?I'm for knocking off andlighting out."

  That made me feel pretty bad. ?About an hour or two ago it would a beena little different, but now it made me feel bad and disappointed, Theking rips out and says:

  "What! ?And not sell out the rest o' the property? ?March off likea passel of fools and leave eight or nine thous'n' dollars' worth o'property layin' around jest sufferin' to be scooped in?--and all good,salable stuff, too."

  The duke he grumbled; said the bag of gold was enough, and he didn'twant to go no deeper--didn't want to rob a lot of orphans of _everything_they had.

  "Why, how you talk!" says the king. ?"We sha'n't rob 'em of nothing atall but jest this money. ?The people that _buys_ the property is thesuff'rers; because as soon 's it's found out 'at we didn't own it--whichwon't be long after we've slid--the sale won't be valid, and it 'll allgo back to the estate. ?These yer orphans 'll git their house back agin,and that's enough for _them_; they're young and spry, and k'n easyearn a livin'. ?_they_ ain't a-goin to suffer. ?Why, jest think--there'sthous'n's and thous'n's that ain't nigh so well off. ?Bless you, _they_ain't got noth'n' to complain of."

  Well, the king he talked him blind; so at last he give in, and said allright, but said he believed it was blamed foolishness to stay, and thatdoctor hanging over them. ?But the king says:

  "Cuss the doctor! ?What do we k'yer for _him_? ?Hain't we got all thefools in town on our side? ?And ain't that a big enough majority in anytown?"

  So they got ready to go down stairs again. ?The duke says:

  "I don't think we put that money in a good place."

  That cheered me up. ?I'd begun to think I warn't going to get a hint ofno kind to help me. ?The king says:

  "Why?"

  "Because Mary Jane 'll be in mourning from this out; and first you knowthe nigger that does up the rooms will get an order to box these dudsup and put 'em away; and do you reckon a nigger can run across money andnot borrow some of it?"

  "Your head's level agin, duke," says the king; and he comes a-fumblingunder the curtain two or three foot from where I was. ?I stuck tight tothe wall and kept mighty still, though quivery; and I wondered what themfellows would say to me if they catched me; and I tried to think whatI'd better do if they did catch me. ?But the king he got the bag beforeI could think more than about a half a thought, and he never suspicionedI was around. ?They took and shoved the bag through a rip in the strawtick that was under the feather-bed, and crammed it in a foot or twoamongst the straw and said it was all right now, because a nigger onlymakes up the feather-bed, and don't turn over the straw tick only abouttwice a year, and so it warn't in no danger of getting stole now.

  But I knowed better. ?I had it out of there before they was half-waydown stairs. ?I groped along up to my cubby, and hid it there till Icould get a chance to do better. ?I judged I better hide it outsideof the house somewheres, because if they missed it they would give thehouse a good ransacking: ?I knowed that very well. ?Then I turned in,with my clothes all on; but I couldn't a gone to sleep if I'd a wantedto, I was in such a sweat to get through with the business. ?By and by Iheard the king and the duke come up; so I rolled off my pallet and laidwith my chin at the top of my ladder, and waited to see if anything wasgoing to happen. ?But nothing did.

  So I held on till all the late sounds had quit and the early ones hadn'tbegun yet; and then I slipped down the ladder.