Castles in the Sand

by Sally John

  “Susan, your unconditional support meant the world to me—until I got too big for my britches. You could have told me and still remained the epitome of submissive. But I wouldn’t allow that. I never gave you permission to criticize or even disagree.”

  “It was a two-way street. I shouldn’t have been in a position where you could allow me to or not.”

  “No, this is my fault. I am sorry for ever intentionally or unintentionally treating you with resentment because of why we married. I hope you can forgive me. In time.”

  She turned to him. “I forgive you, Drake. Why wouldn’t I?”

  “Cheerleaders sweep hurts under the carpet. They don’t even notice them until some time later when they trip over a lumpy rug.”

  “Yes, but I’ve been shaking that rug good and hard now for a few weeks.”

  He stared at her.

  With a wave of her arms she snapped an imaginary rug. “You were not going to change my mind this time.”

  “Deep down I think that’s what I feared. And then when I saw you—”

  “On Wednesday? You said you came Wednesday. I spotted you! From a distance, walking away.”

  “Yes, I—” His voice broke again. “Oh, Susan. I stood on the boardwalk watching you and Kenzie build a sand castle. You were laughing and hugging and jabbering away. I kept trying to climb over the seawall, to come down and reason with both of you that I knew best and if you’d just listen…But I knew you would not. You no longer could. And I knew—Oh, dear Lord. I knew I had lost my wife and my daughter. That I had driven them away. I had nowhere to go with the guilt and the sheer agony.”

  Susan wiped her face with the lapels of his coat still around her.

  “I’m not sure how I made it through the night and the next day. I figured the trick was to keep putting one foot in front of the next. And then Aidan came to the office late Thursday afternoon. He asked for my blessing for him and Kenzie to marry. I gave it, by the way.”

  “Aidan came! He asked for your blessing! You gave it! Oh, my!”

  Drake sniffled a few times, regaining his composure. “Audacious young thing, isn’t he?”

  Laughing, she leaned over and pulled his face toward hers until their foreheads touched. “You ain’t seen nothing yet. Wait until you meet his little brother.”

  “There are two of them?”

  “Six, counting the four girls.”

  He groaned in an exaggerated way. “Six?”

  “But Pepper Carlucci—”

  “Pepper?”

  “The mom. Now she wins first prize for audacious. Hands down, she even outdoes Natalie. I haven’t met Mr. Carlucci yet. He might very well take the grand prize.”

  He chuckled, but then straightened to look somberly into her eyes. Tear tracks glistened on his cheeks. “Susan, do you think I can meet them?”

  “Well, generally speaking, the grandparents of a baby usually meet each other sooner or later.”

  “Grandparents! I’m going to be a grandpa, aren’t I?” His voice faded into an odd hiccup, the place where tears and laughter met.

  Susan wrapped her arms around his neck and held him tight.

  The buzzing of Drake’s cell phone disrupted their long silent embrace.

  “I thought I turned that thing off.”

  Susan patted the pockets of his coat. “My thigh is vibrating. Which pocket—”

  “We don’t have to answer.”

  “Of course we do. Twenty-four, seven. Three hundred sixty-five. All that. Not to mention tonight Vince—Here it is.” She pulled out the phone and peered at the display screen.

  “I’m off duty.”

  “It’s Natalie.” She glanced at him. “Do you mind? I haven’t heard a word from her…” Before he replied she pushed the “send” button.

  Drake murmured, “Did we just exchange bodies? We’re speaking each other’s lines.”

  She smiled at him, the phone to her ear. “Hi, Natalie. It’s me.”

  “On Drake’s phone.” Natalie’s voice carried a distinct smile. “You’re together.”

  “You sound pleased as punch and not too surprised.”

  “I had hints. I’ll explain later. So what do you want me to do with Pugsy?”

  “Where are you?”

  “At the beach house, silly. Rex and I slipped in the back door in time for the beautiful songs. We all agree, you and Drake blessed the socks right off us.”

  She laughed.

  “We’re on our way out the door. Everybody’s headed to the hospital. Emmylou and Robbie are probably there by now. Her water broke. The rug’s a little damp in front of that bookcase by the side window. No problem. I didn’t want to leave Pugsy here if you’re not coming back.”

  “No, I’ll come to the house.” She looked at Drake. “We’ll come soon. You can leave the front door unlocked. We’re just down the boardwalk.”

  “Okay. Well, the Good Friday service has turned into a party, and it’s moving to the maternity ward. All the Marthas and at least half the folks who were here. Feel free to join us!”

  “I think we’ll skip that.” She noticed Drake’s forehead furrows smooth out. “We’re off duty. No pastor visits tonight.”

  Natalie laughed. “Good for you.”

  “Give my love to Emmylou and Robbie. My prayers are with them.”

  “Will do. Bye.”

  “Bye.” Susan pressed the off button.

  Drake said, “Emmylou’s having the baby?”

  “Yes. She didn’t want to on a Good Friday.”

  “Hmm. It’s a perfect time, really. The day we remember all is forgiven. We have a fresh start. We’re clean.”

  Susan nodded. “Let’s tell her that. Next week. Right now the coast is clear at the house. Want to keep me and Pugs company tonight?”

  He exhaled loudly, a sound of relief. “I would like nothing better.”

  Sixty-Four

  Saturday morning Susan and Drake slept late. Shafts of sunlight already danced through the blinds and on the bed coverlet when they awoke, Pugsy snuggled between them.

  “Phew.” Drake picked up the dog. “How about you and him trade places?”

  Susan laughed and wiggled toward the center of the bed so he could place the dog behind her. “The doggie breath tends to overpower after a while.”

  “Let’s get him some gum.” He smiled and kissed her cheek. “Good morning.”

  “Good morning.”

  “When was the last time we did this? Woke up at the same time?”

  “And after the sun was up. It’s been ages.”

  “Maybe I could stop my habit of tea at the crack of dawn and you could stop puttering around the house until midnight.”

  Her chest pinched. Ignoring the discomfort, she focused on Drake peering at her as though she was a long-lost treasure. His gray eyes twinkled and a Mona Lisa smile persisted even when he spoke.

  “How about some French toast?” he said. “I’ll make the tea.”

  The pang returned, stronger than before, twisting her neck and chest into what felt like a thick rope.

  He touched her eyelid. “What’s wrong? The light blue just went navy.”

  “Really?”

  “Really.” The smile remained, but his crow’s feet scrunched and the narrowed eyes registered concern. “They do that. It means you’re disturbed about something.”

  He noticed? The rope tension slackened. “You’re being very perceptive.”

  “Is that bad?”

  She stroked his short hair, matted down from its usual moussed perfection. “It’s what you did when we first met. Remember what I told you at dinner last week?”

  “Quiche in the dining room and you in a short black dress.” He nodded. “You told me I made you feel special.”

  “Yes. You did that by noticing me. You noticed details. It always made me believe that I was worthy.”

  “Worthy of what?”

  She shrugged a shoulder. “Of taking up space on this earth. You haven’t t
reated me in such a way for…a long time. That’s probably what’s disturbing me. Not that you’re charming me again, but our history, that you stopped it and…” She paused.

  “And what?” He took her hand between his. “I might stop it again?”

  She nodded.

  “I don’t want to stop it ever.”

  “Did you want to before?”

  “No, of course not. It was unconscious. A by-product of my mishandling success. Some success, huh? The church grows and I grow away from you and Kenzie.” He thought a moment. “Susan, we’re at a new place. But we’re coming from an old one. We probably still have one foot in both worlds. It’s natural that you don’t trust me. I have to prove myself to you. Don’t worry about when the mistrust rears its ugly head.”

  “But what do I do when it does?”

  He gazed at her. “I guess you ask God to help you forgive me and heal your hurt. If you want.”

  The rope totally unraveled itself, and she grinned. “And I can tell you what I’m truly thinking?”

  “I suppose you want me to truly listen?”

  “And not whine.”

  He winced. “Curses on my sister-in-law for dragging you to this beach house.”

  She laughed. “Okay, here we go. I don’t like French toast and I don’t drink tea with breakfast anymore. I drink coffee.”

  His brows inched upward.

  “Now this is my morning plan for today. By the way, it varies from day to day. Spontaneity is the key word here.”

  The brows kept moving.

  “Anyway, you are welcome to tag along or not. Kono’s serves a great egg burrito. They might have French toast. They might not. I will walk there, in public, in sweats, before I shower. I suggest you wear a cap.”

  Drake rolled onto his back, convulsed in a belly laugh.

  Susan stared in wonder. Drake Starr did not do belly laughs. What was the world coming to?

  Paper coffee cup atop the pier railing, Susan checked her phone for voice mails. At her feet, Pugsy sat. At her elbow, Drake gazed out at the ocean, evidently unconcerned about his own messages. His phone was back at the house. Indifference for his appearance was obvious as well. He wore yesterday’s tan dress slacks and sky blue long-sleeved shirt and someone else’s brown Padres cap found at the beach house.

  The sun shone brightly from a clear blue sky. They had enjoyed eating breakfast outdoors on a patio, people-watching. Crowds had flocked to the beach, no doubt drawn by the spring warmth. They swam, surfed, strolled the pier and the boardwalk.

  She closed up her phone and smiled. “Emmylou had a boy last night.”

  “Nice. Robbie must be ecstatic.”

  “Natalie said he whooped and hollered when he told them all in the lobby.”

  “All that military stoic self-discipline out the window.”

  “For good reason.”

  Drake smiled down at her. “For good reason.”

  “I’ve heard grandpas sometimes react that way.”

  “Oh, I hope so, Susan.” He placed an arm around her shoulders. “Any word from Kenzie?”

  “No. I left that voice mail yesterday afternoon—I know she was at work then. She’ll see my number under missed calls for last night and this morning. I won’t bug her anymore. She’ll call when she’s ready.”

  “I don’t know exactly what to do with her.”

  She rested her head against him. “You’ll know when it’s time.”

  “The only thing I do know is I can’t preach tomorrow.”

  Susan straightened and stared up at him. “It’s Easter.”

  “Don’t you Marthas have anything planned?” The Mona Lisa smile showed up again.

  “No.”

  “What were you going to do?”

  “Um.” She tried to remember her thought processes from the previous afternoon. The short time since then felt like weeks. “I don’t know. The others were going to Holy Cross. The little boycott was just for Friday night. I wasn’t sure what I would do. Of course now I want to go.”

  “Well, I don’t. I’ll call Vince and let him know.”

  “Drake, are you sure? What are you thinking?”

  “I’m thinking, like I said last night, that I’m very, very tired. I’m thinking of asking the board for a sabbatical starting today. If they say no, I’ll resign.”

  “Drake!”

  “There are more important things to do. I need to win you and Kenzie back. I need to restructure my entire life. Let me reword that. I need to let God work in me. Change me. Forgive me. Show me what a husband, father, and pastor looks like when false pride and hypocrisy begin to fade.” He shrugged. “I need a few friends—maybe just Rex—to walk through this with me.”

  “For how long?”

  “I’d say six months. Our savings should carry us that long.” He met her stare. “Maybe you and I could see a counselor.”

  Comprehending what he said took her a number of seconds. He asked for help! She didn’t know this Drake Starr in the least.

  She smiled at him. “That husband, father, and pastor you mentioned? I think he looks a lot like you.”

  Sixty-Five

  Kenzie’s feet hurt. Her head hurt. Her stomach hurt.

  Alone in Aidan’s apartment late Saturday night, she lay on the deformed loveseat. Legs propped up on pillows and television remote in hand, she surfed channels.

  It wasn’t pregnancy yuck or flu aches. She couldn’t even blame working overtime. She’d gone to the coffee shop early and worked half the morning plus her own afternoon shift. Business was steady, but not hopping like mad. She took her fair share of breaks and then some.

  No, it was more. She hurt somewhere deep inside. A place she couldn’t touch.

  Or wanted to think about.

  She flipped the television to another station and engaged her attention on a brainless comedy about football. Not one of her relatives or friends had anything whatsoever to do with football. They never even knew who was playing in what bowls. Bowl. Now there was a stupid synonym for a flat field of grass.

  A key turned in the door, startling her. As she began to rise, Aidan walked in.

  She laid back down. “What are you doing here?”

  He dropped a backpack on the floor and walked toward her. “I missed you.”

  “Yeah, right.”

  “Kenz.” He sat on the edge of the loveseat beside her.

  She ignored the exasperation in his tone, the “give me a break” expression on his face. “How’s your dad?”

  “Good.”

  “Good.”

  She peered over his shoulder at the television.

  “He’s coming home tomorrow, by ambulance. All my sisters came up today. Lisel’s staying with Mom until tomorrow. The rest of us just drove back. They dropped me off.”

  “Guess there wouldn’t have been a seat for me. No space in the hospital room with all eight of you in there. How many cousins and aunts and uncles squeezed in with you?”

  “Kenz, don’t do this. Don’t shut me out.”

  “Excuse me?” She coughed a noise of disdain. “Me shut you out? Who left whom?”

  “I’m sorry. I had to figure out some things.”

  “You’re changing your tune here. Last night it was because things were so hectic. Phone calls to make. Doctors doing this and that. You holding your family together.”

  “I didn’t know how to say it last night. The truth is I had to figure out where we stand with each other.”

  She gazed at the colorful television images…turned her hearing to the upbeat rock music athletes supposedly moved to in the midst of games—

  “Can we turn this down? Off?” He took the remote from her lap, pointed it over his shoulder, and shut off the power.

  “Hey! I’m watching that.”

  “Did you hear what I said?” He tossed the remote onto the floor. “I had to figure out us.”

  She rubbed her eyes. “That was figured out until you took off with hardly a goodbye and
didn’t phone. I’m invisible and an afterthought to you.”

  “You’re not.” Aidan grasped her hands and slid to the floor to his knees. “I didn’t know what you were, but now I see it clearly. Mackenzie Anne Starr, I love you. I love everything about you. I even love how you exasperate me like you’re trying your best to do right now. I want to spend my life with you. I want the piece of paper that says the government knows I do. I want a pastor to join us together and say the Spirit of God knows I do. I want to marry you, Kenz.”

  There it was. The Proposal. And there she was. Lying on an old colorless loveseat, feet up, fat belly protruding from under her T-shirt. Preferring to watch TV and not make eye contact with him. The air crackled with argument.

  This was not part of the fairy tale.

  She squirmed. “You didn’t want to before. We didn’t want to. We decided we already are.”

  “Does this look like we already are? You know, if I were dying in a hospital, they might not let you in my room because you’re not family. Our kid could come in, but you couldn’t.”

  “Aidan, that sounds like something my mother would say!”

  “So what? It puts things in perspective even if the odds are against it happening. I want you and our baby to be my family in every which way.” He squeezed her hands. “Will you marry me, Kenz? Wait a sec.” He let go, reached into his pants pocket, and pulled out something. “Here. I think this is part of the dorky tradition.” With a lopsided smile, he put a tiny box in her hands.

  It was soft, covered in gray fabric. Obviously there was a ring inside.

  He said, “Thought I’d go the whole nine yards.”

  Her headache pounded now, a steady kettledrum beat, six-eight time.

  “My Grandma Bella gave it to me. Out of all sixty-two or whatever of her grandkids, I don’t know why. I guess she liked me best.”

  “I can’t—”

  “I didn’t spend a dime, not that we have one. And it’s not a diamond. I know you don’t particularly like diamonds. She never had one, so that worked out.” He touched her cheek. “Please open it.”

  An eerie sense of floating enveloped her. Perspiration drenched every inch of her body.

  “It reminds me of your eyes, Kenz.”