The guy slowed, looking me over. “No problem,” he said. He didn’t remove his eyes.
Grinning slightly, I cut across the street to the café. Entering the building, I quickly spotted Jennifer and made my way over to her table. “Jennifer. Hey.”
“Erica!” Jennifer bounded up from her seat, giving me a hug. She stepped back. “Wow. You look amazing!”
“Huh. Thanks.” I picked up a menu even though I knew from experience that everything was far too healthy for me.
Jennifer was looking at me carefully. “Do I detect MAC cosmetics?”
Somewhat startled, I said “Uh, no…”
“Maybelline? Cover Girl?” Jennifer wrinkled her nose as she named the drugstore brands.
I shook my head. “I’m not wearing makeup. You know me.”
“Wow.” Jennifer looked stunned. “You just look so…radiant. Your color is, like, beautiful. Your skin is clear.”
I shrugged, surprised but pleased. “Maybe I’ve finally grown into myself.” I wasn’t about to reveal my secrets.
We ordered, ate (well, Jennifer ate while I rearranged my salad) and talked for a while. Jennifer kept glancing to the left, but I didn’t pay too much attention, until she hissed “Erica!”
“What?”
“That guy over there,” she jerked her head left, “is checking you out.”
I sat frozen for a second, and then I let my eyes slide over to where she’d indicated. I had to investigate. How could I not?
The guy was eating alone, to my relief, not with a girlfriend. That would’ve been uncomfortable. He was blonde and fit and technically good looking. He just didn’t do anything to my heart, didn’t send electric tingles through my body. I didn’t have a visceral, chemical reaction to his stare.
Jennifer looked at me eagerly. “Well?”
“He’s okay,” I whispered.
Her face fell. “Just okay?”
I did some quick thinking. “He looks too much like my brother,” I told her. “I think it’d weird me out.”
“Oh.” Jennifer nodded, apparently satisfied. “So you don’t mind if I go talk to him?”
“Of course not.” I smiled. “He’s all yours, Jenn.”
I watched her walk over and introduce herself. She seemed to be having a successful talk with the guy. To occupy myself while I waited, I flipped open my phone and stared at the wallpaper. It was set to Lawrence.
Erica again
I stepped out of my boots and let them drop at the door. The bill was in my hand, the stupid bill for the stupid liability insurance that would protect me from a devastating lawsuit if, God forbid, Maggie ever came to harm during one of her lessons. I couldn’t not have insurance. I really only had one client, but I was certain the Allsteens wouldn’t hesitate to lawyer up if their daughter ever got injured. They could easily ruin me. And I needed insurance because most of the boarding barns required visiting trainers to have it. Although I realized that reason didn’t amount to anything, because I had no clients at any of those barns. Oh, well. Someone could hire me. It’s best to be prepared, even for highly unlikely scenarios.
I forged ahead. I meandered through the house, passing through all the likely places. I was already sick of walking. I longed for Lawrence’s little house. “Mom?” I called. My voice rang out all echoey.
I waited a few seconds, and then came the sound of heels striking the flooring. “Erica?” She asked in thrilled disbelief.
“Hi, Mom,” I said. “How’s it going?”
“Wonderfully, dear,” my mother said brightly. “I just got back from brunch with Marjorie. Her niece, Cicily is in town. Poor girl, she had to get away after that incident…”
“My insurance is up.” I had to shut down the niceties and get down to business. “I don’t have the money right now. Can I borrow some so I can pay the bill and keep training?”
My mother looked at me in clear surprise. “Oh. I thought you had a lot of clients.”
“I do.” I looked her in the eye. I was that desperate. “The money…went to other things.”
“Oh, of course.” My mother believed me so swiftly that it almost broke my heart. “There’s always something that comes up. Yes, of course. We’ll take care of that. Don’t worry about it, sweetheart.”
“Thanks, Mom. You’re the best.” I gave her a quick hug and turned to go.
“Erica, wait.” The words came, of course they did.
“What?” I tried not to snap, and I pretty much succeeded.
“I spoke with Diane today,” she said with a smile. “And she told me that Ronald is still on the market.”
My blood hardened. My brain had jerked to a stop like an engine flooded with concrete. All I could do was stare. I had an urge to scream at her, and I managed to shut that down. Then I just felt like I needed to throw up.
My mother was oblivious. “He’s not going to stay interested forever,” she hinted hard. Her words went in my ear as forcefully and painfully as a drill bit.
I finally found some words. I tried to speak them carefully. “I told you,” I said very clearly. “I am not interested.”
She didn’t listen. She had already moved onto the next thing she wanted to tell me in her head. “I don’t know why you have to be so stubborn,” she said almost amusedly. “Eventually you’re going to have to settle, Erica.”
Fire. Burning heat in my head. “I cannot believe you just said that.”
My mother almost shrugged. She shrugged it off. “You know it just as well as I do. You can’t really afford to pick and choose, now can you?”
I took a step toward her, then several more. I was full of enough horrible energy to run miles, or lift a car. I could’ve knocked her to the floor without any effort at all. It was stopping, keeping my hand away from her face, that was difficult.
“Do you know,” I said to her, shaking and teetering almost out of control. “Do you realize that there is - do you realize that there are some people out there who think I’m perfect? That there are some people out there who accept me and love me the way I am? Some people think I’m just wonderful, Mom. And I want you to know that.”
My mother blinked up at me. “Oh, of course, dear.” She looked puzzled. “I never said there was anything wrong with you.”
I just went past her and left her there. She didn’t get it, and that was fine. I wasn’t under her power anymore.
Lawrence
I was tired, but it wasn’t really fatigue. I had already gotten past the intense need to roll over and fall asleep. This was a good feeling, the best feeling. It was a lack of all the feelings I normally carted around that did nothing but screw with me. Tension, fear, all the stuff in my head that I had to fight through all the time. Gone. My mind was blank, quieted, my body relaxed. I felt safe.
I lay still, the floor’s hard, cool surface against my back. Erica’s hand slipped over my arm, light as a butterfly. Her head was solidly nestled into my chest.
Amber had accused me of screwing my feelings a while back, and maybe I had been doing that, because nothing could empty my head like fucking. Maybe I’d been living for the brief adoration of some girl, and that wonderful post-fuck blankness before she removed her body heat and went straight out of my life. I felt so far away from that now.
The best thing about being with Erica was that she was constant. I didn’t miss the element of change, the challenge of adapting to every new girl all the time. If anything it was more exciting to discover new things with Erica, guide her into different positions and try everything I could think of, slowly, over time. Because we had time. I could teach her what I knew, what I liked, and she learned fast. It was exhilarating to share all these new experiences with her. It was all new to her, and it almost felt the same for me.
Fucking was fucking awesome, and it always had been. The motions and sensations were just meant to feel good. But I was learning that the feeling I got was so outstandingly better when there was some deeper impulse behind what I did. I hadn�
�t expected that. For so many years I had made fucking all about technique, and I was good at it. I was damn good at it. But I had never been this close to someone, and the way we moved together, the way we fit together had nothing to do with skill or conscious effort.
We had made love for a long time earlier in the day, in many different locations all over the house. I’d found a rhythm I could stay in, and we’d just kept going, neither of us wanting to stop feeling the friction and glide. We fell into a beautiful pace, and after a while of just riding the building sensations, Erica began to orgasm, coming over and over before she finally shuddered to a stop, taking me along with her.
We rested a while before picking ourselves off the unyielding floor. We showered together, gently touching in the narrow space, and I watched the water roll over her, marveling at the silken feel of her lathered breasts under my hands. Standing together in my small bathroom, she toweled me off, and breathlessly I did the same for her, softly, carefully stroking her with the terry cloth. The room was warm as we stood close in the small space right by the sink. I looked at her and I almost couldn’t talk because this experience was the most beautiful thing I had ever felt or lived.
“Erica?” I said soft and low.
“Yes?”
“I love you.”
She smiled, and it was like the sun opened up in my chest. “I love you too, Lawrence.”
Erica
I sat on my bed with Ashley across from me. She was laughing, her gorgeous face getting twisted up. I’d told her all about Maggie and her questionable upbringing. Though I made sure to note Maggie’s terrific progress, Ashley remained fixated on her quirks.
“What, no gold card?” Ashley snorted after I mentioned her tendency to pay with hundreds.
“Well, I don’t know. Maybe.” I shrugged. I kind of wanted to get off the subject. My newfound love for Maggie made me a little defensive of her.
Ashley had driven up for a visit, as promised. She was vibrant, but I found I was less affected by it now. I didn’t feel like I was nothing. I appreciated Ashley. I was happy for her, and happy for myself. It was kind of nice, not suffering at the unmeaning hands of my friend.
We’d already been to the barn, where Ashley had seen D.M. and Assault. She’d watched me work D.M. so I could demonstrate his progress. I’d offered her a horse to ride, but Ashley seemed content with her distant contact with horses. Her life was different than mine, and she had other talents to cultivate. So when I turned D.M. back out we’d headed up to the house.
I was showing Ashley some cell phone pictures of D.M. I had the whole progression documented, from his arrival on the farm up until a conformation shot taken the past week.
Ashley leaned forward to see better. “Oh my gosh, Erica! He looks so good.” She was looking at a full glamour shot, with D.M. standing just right, bathed, braided and rubbed shiny, with polished hooves.
I smiled. “He does clean up well.” I looked down fondly at the image. “And he tolerates my obsessive grooming like a true gem.”
Ashley grinned. “You do go a bit nuts with the polishing.” She made a move to reach for my phone.
“Wait. What’re you doing?” I asked, keeping the device firmly in my hand.
“I just wanna go back to the beginning. I can barely remember what he looked like as a baby,” Ashley explained.
“Oh. Okay.” My heart rate had shot up a bit. “Hang on. I’ll get you there.” I stared down at my phone, carefully moving past the incriminating photo.
Ashley was watching me. “What did you just skip over?”
The walls seemed to close in. I looked at her, trying to keep my eyes normal. I could feel them turning into big scared bunny eyes. “Nothing,” I said quickly. “I pressed the button and it didn’t register. So I had to hit it again. That’s all.”
Ashley didn’t move. She had seen something in me. Her eyes were suspicious. And because she was Ashley, she would grill me until it all came out.
“What are you trying to hide from me, Erica?”
All the air had seeped out of the room. I was cornered, and I could see no way out. There was no hiding from Ashley. My mother was gullible. She was easy. I could placate my mother, manipulate her if I had to. I could do nothing to Ashley. Ashley didn’t give up. She steamrollered anything I did not want to share. Secrets, insecurities, fears. Ashley opened me up forcibly. And I could sit here and fight it, prolong it, futilely postpone it, or I could just bare my underbelly and let it out, because regardless of what I did, no matter what, it would happen anyway.
I pressed the little button again. “I am going to show this to you,” I said with clear resignation. “When I show you this, you have ten seconds to freak out. And then you have to stop.”
“Sure, sure.” Ashley nodded excitedly. She easily extricated the phone from my slightly dazed and horrified hand. I braced.
Ashley’s eyes landed on the phone’s little screen. Her mouth dropped open, and she gasped loudly, the sound almost reverberating. “Oh my God. Oh. My. God! This…this is…this is…HOW? Where did you find him? When did this happen?! Oh my freaking GOD, Erica, I cannot believe this! How have you been keeping this from me? From everyone! Oh wow…”
“I think your ten seconds are up,” I said, fidgeting.
Ashley ignored me. “This is so good. This is not the guy, is it? You know, the guy? I bet it is. You thought you couldn’t land him, right? And I told you, didn’t I? Did I not tell you?! Well, it looks like you landed him just fine, didn’t you!” Ashley shook her head in awe. “Holy shit, Erica. THIS IS SO AWESOME!”
“Your ten seconds were up ten seconds ago!” I screeched in an attempt to bring things back under some kind of control.
Ashley managed to focus on me. She had begun bouncing on the mattress. “Right. Okay. I just…this is huge! I can’t believe you didn’t tell me.”
“I can still barely believe it‘s happening,” I said, almost slightly embarrassed.
“When did this happen?” Ashley demanded softly. “How long has this been going on?”
“A little more than six weeks now.”
“Wow.” Ashley seemed to glow with the knowledge of my success. “Where does he like to take you? Have you gone on any fun dates?”
I looked down, then tentatively up. “We’ve mostly been eating in.”
Ashley’s eyebrow leapt up. “Wow. Okay.”
“Yeah.” I shifted my weight to one side. Under her gaze, I wasn’t sure how to feel. Ashamed wasn’t the word. I was just uncomfortable talking about it.
Ashley didn’t seem to have any misgivings. “So, who made the first move? You or him?”
“He did. He kissed me.” I smiled, warmed by the memory. “I would never have said anything. I was going to just leave and not see him again. I was about to leave when it happened.”
“Wow.” Ashley actually sat back, shaking her head. “That was some timing. Wasn’t it?”
“Yeah, I guess.” I hadn’t thought about that. I was so deeply in the present now that it hadn’t occurred to me. I was on my way out of Lawrence’s life that day.
“I’m just really glad he caught me in time,” I said.
Ashley nodded seriously. Then abruptly her eyes lit up. “So. How hot is the sex?”
“Ash!” I screamed. I was unnaturally warm but I tightened my arms around myself anyway.
“Oh, come on, you’re not gonna tell me anything?” Ashley threw me a wounded look.
I shook my head emphatically. I didn’t budge.
“Jeez, you are so frigid,” Ashley said teasingly. “Seriously, though, Erica. You’re acting a little uptight.”
“I’m not like that with Lawrence,” I told her, admitting about as much as I could handle.
“Well, he must be pretty good, then,” Ashley smirked.
Amber
I stepped onto the porch and through the door, looking around. Erica sauntered over to greet me. She looked like she couldn’t stop smiling if you put a gun to her head.
I said a short, stiff “hi” and gestured for her to come outside. I nearly caught my toe on a stray bridle on my way out. There was still a shit ton of stuff piled everywhere. I’d had considerable optimism that Erica’s presence would clean the place up. I guess I was wrong, huh?
I needed to take her somewhere, away from Lawrence’s range of hearing. I darted around, trying to pick a route. Erica followed me unquestionably, happily. I kept walking, grumbling along.
I had to stop eventually, so I stopped behind the barn. Maude blinked slightly in my direction as she carved a dirt path out of the short grass stems. I looked up at Erica. I had to try and go easy on her. I’d been with the guy, after all. I knew what an endorphin rush it was.
“So,” I said, fighting to pare down the edge in my voice, “are you having a good time with Lawrence?”
Erica looked slightly taken aback, but her teeth remained bright and shiny where I could see them. “Yes. I’m just so happy.”
I can see that, I thought irritably.
Erica was looking at me closely. “You don’t…I didn’t think you…”
“Were interested?” I hacked out a laugh. “I’m not. Trust me. That’s not why I’m here. I need to talk to you about something.”
“Okay. Of course.”
I took a second to think. I was not a good communicator. I could get aggressive and hammer my words into people, I could verbally assault and batter, but I sucked at finesse and I sucked at getting people to listen to me. The things I really needed to say often got buried, stuck, and all I could do was yell and fight. I didn’t want to do that right now.
“I’m really happy you guys are together,” I said, speaking in monotone and looking down so the sentiment didn’t make me cringe and want to leave. “I think you’re good for him.”
I went on. “I’ve known Lawrence a long time. He’s been there for me when no one else has.” The words rang hollow and stupid, but I didn’t know what else to say.
Training Harry Page 55
