“I love Lawrence in my own way.” The only way I can. “And I just don’t want anything bad to happen to him. I know what it took for him to tell you how he felt.”
“The thing you should know about Lawrence is that he’s vulnerable. He might not seem that way; I know the persona he projects. I know how he appears. But he also…he really cares about things. About you. He’s strong willed and self assured and all that, but he cries at those dog food commercials with the shelter dogs in them. He rescues things. He’s giving and generous and so kind, and you should know that is not normal. I know. Most people - most men - are not the way he is. He’s flawed, absolutely he’s flawed, but you’re not going to find someone who will love you more completely or passionately.”
She was looking at me all starry eyed, and I knew I had to get to the point. I had to try to get my message heard.
“Just please don’t hurt him,” I said, rushing through the words. I looked at her, imploring her to hear me. I couldn’t stand to see him get this far, break through so much, and not have it work out. I didn’t know if he could come back from that. I hoped to God she was all in, because I knew he was.
I held her eyes. “Please don’t hurt him,” I said. I didn’t care if I sounded or looked psycho. After a moment I let her leave, and I went to get Maude. When I looked back she’d disappeared into the house. I couldn’t do anything more. Now it just had to go the way it went.
I told myself that, but I started crying stupid, helpless tears and I just threw Maude’s tack on as fast as I could. I was being yanked around, my terror was pulling me in different directions that felt too similar. I felt like I was trying to pull him out of the path of an oncoming car, and I couldn’t because he was oblivious and he didn‘t care what I said. I was talking, always talking, begging him to listen. And this time I had a feeling the truck was driving straight for him.
Erica
I jogged up the front steps, bounding over the perfectly even stretch of concrete. I had just spent a great couple of hours with Maggie and Twinkle. We were hard at work perfecting the canter depart, and I had added in some leg yielding, which Maggie was thrilled by. I was starting to lose track of time when I taught Maggie. I became deeply involved, seeing what she was starting to be capable of as I built up her skill level. During Maggie’s lessons, it seemed there were no outside distractions, or at least none that could distract us. Maggie was riding like a dream, deftly absorbing everything I could throw at her. She was serious. Selfishly, I almost wanted to drag her around to all the shows, stick her right in everyone’s face. But Maggie had plenty of time to be competitive. Right now she was learning what I felt she most needed to learn. Maggie was learning to love training.
Banging through the door, I dropped my boots just inside and weaved my way across the foyer. I didn’t see a box on the dining room table. It should have gotten here by now. I glanced around a few more times. “Hey, Mom? Did the mail come yet today?”
I turned around for no reason, and she was staring right at me. There was something clutched in her right hand. Before I could say anything, she uncurled her hand with a flourish. A filmy, black bra and panty set unrolled, bouncing in the air, nothing but thin strands of fabric and mesh.
Explosive, charged silence rolled on for a moment. My mother’s eyes darted around, almost like she was high. She held her ground nervously and with a sick sense of pride. She was mortified, aghast at what I might or might not be doing, but still, this thrilled her.
“You went through my mail?” It came out in a low, slightly reserved shriek. I kept looking at the lingerie. In some part of my mind I was imagining the look on Lawrence’s face when he first saw me with it on.
My mother set her jaw. “I knew there was something you weren’t telling me.”
“You cannot go through my mail. That is illegal.”
“Stop trying to throw me off, Erica. When did this happen? Since when are you having sex?” She said it like it was some horrible, unspeakable offense.
“Stop assuming you know what‘s going on!” I screamed. “You don’t know anything!” I knew she wasn’t wrong. She guessed right. But I was still pissed. She couldn’t even wait for me to tell her myself. She couldn’t fucking wait. Unbelievable.
My mother’s eyes twitched skyward. “I know exactly what’s going on. You don’t buy this for any other reason but that. When have you ever worn anything like this?” She held my lingerie at arm’s length, like it was burning her.
I snatched it away from her. She was really making me mad. “Okay, Mom,” I said harshly. “Do you want to know the truth? I lost my virginity. It’s gone. And I’m not sad about it. I never once cried, except maybe because I’m so happy because I finally feel good about myself.” I kept going, plowing right through her shocked, ashen face. “I found a guy, all by myself, and he doesn’t have a receding hair line or a weight problem. He’s amazing.” I felt my voice catch, and I lost some of my angry momentum. “I’m in love with him, Mom. And he loves me. And I’m probably going to be moving in with him soon.”
My mother stared. She’d gone incredibly quiet. After a long time, she spoke. “Are you at least going to tell me who he is?” She said tightly. “It would be nice to know, Erica.”
There was really no reason for me to hold out. We were likely to reveal ourselves soon anyway, and I found I was actually a little excited to tell her.
“Okay, so he’s not on your recommended list,” I said, smiling slightly. “But you actually know him pretty well. He’s a friend of the family, you could say.”
I could see her brain whirring, trying to locate the answer. Slowly she froze, and looked at me strangely. She must be coming up empty. She looked upset, almost panicked. I decided to end the suspense.
“It’s Lawrence,” I said happily. “Lawrence Cavanaugh.”
Lawrence
Erica set her bag down on the counter. She almost slammed it down, really. “Well, my mother knows.”
I stood up quickly. “Really, you told her?”
Erica shook her head. She had considerable hatred in her eyes. “No. She found out.” Erica walked away, taking a few short, hard steps.
“Well, at least we don’t have to hide it anymore,“ I offered. I watched as she blew past me. “So how did she take it?”
She looked back, and the look on her face was one I typically got from Amber. I felt a dull burning sensation behind my ribs. “I guess I know,” I said quietly.
Erica softened. She came over and gently held my arm for a moment before going to her bag and feeling through it.
“I’m staying with you tonight,” Erica said as she pulled out a toothbrush and some dental floss. “I’m not going home.”
I nodded. I was always happy to hear she was staying, but her voice was edgy still.
Erica stood there a second. “I just don’t understand why she was so upset,” she said. “I mean, I knew she would be surprised and I thought she might be a little hurt that I didn’t pick one of her choices, but I just…” she shook her head. “I just never expected her to react like she did.”
I was frozen. I couldn’t move or breathe, and I felt like any twitch or intake of air would cause everything to come down around me.
Erica left her bag and walked up to me. Her eyes shifted up to meet mine, unmoving in my face. “Hey. It’s okay. I don’t care what she thinks. She’s crazy.” She rested her fingertips against my sides, sliding them down to my hips. I let out a trembling exhale.
Her fingers went to my fly, and she slipped down my body, brushing against me and coming to rest on her knees. I let my head drop back and I let myself become lost, deliriously lost. I let myself forget everything that came before her.
Erica
My mother was fuming, moving around the borders of where I stood so we barely intersected. Every muscle, every little facial tic indicated disapproval. The house was icy and the very air seemed accusatory as it settled in the stagnant interior. I had nothing to say to my mother
. I refused to participate in her stupid stand against my happiness. I spent as little time around her as possible.
I was already inventorying my things, piling and packing anything I actually needed. I hadn’t taken my ribbons down yet, and they still glinted, fluttering against the wall when I threw my door open. I needed them up there. I needed something to make the room livable, though I was sleeping in Lawrence’s bed more than my own these days.
I spent a while locked in my room, going through clothes I never wore and throwing them in a pile. Most of it was stuff my mother had bought me. She can keep it, I thought as I tore a taffeta skirt off its hanger.
Once I got all that crap out of the way, my closet was sparsely filled and uniform in appearance. My show coats hung pristine in their dry-cleaning bags. I had around ten pairs of breeches, some of which hadn’t come close to fitting in a long time. I could tell just by looking at them. I didn’t take them down.
When I’d worked for a while, I got tired and hungry. I decided to get something to eat. I knew what that would entail, and I went downstairs anyway.
My mother found me during my foray into the kitchen. She hung back, making a dramatic show of staying out of it. I listened to her clipped and loud exhales as I chewed on a muffin. I should have run back to my room, but I hadn’t done a damn thing wrong and I was sick of living apologetically.
My mother’s arms were crossed. She was tapping one elbow incessantly with her fingers. It was killing her, being in here with me and not saying anything. I wondered how long that would last.
She looked at me right then. She had that angry-disappointed-face on. “What are you thinking, Erica?”
“I’m thinking I’d like you to give it a rest,” I said in a low hiss.
“I’m your mother,” she stated pointlessly. “I have to look out for your interests.”
“I am not a child,” I argued. “I think I’m capable of making my own decisions. I‘ve been doing that for long enough.” I started to leave. I couldn’t be civil for much longer.
“Yes, and you’ve made such admirable decisions lately,” she snipped.
I stopped, and turned back. I walked right into it. This was happening.
“If you’re going to stand there and make implications about me,” I said quietly, “do me a favor and just call me a slut.”
“Don’t put words in my mouth, Erica,” my mother said, but I could see exactly what she thought of me. It was right out there on her forehead, on her cheeks, in her eyes.
This was what really put me on the edge. All these years she had pushed guys at me, endlessly tried to set me up because then I would be complete. All this time she’d subtly belittled me and made me feel like there was something wrong with me because I hadn’t rushed into physical contact with someone. She had been embarrassed by my lack of a boyfriend, desperate for me to have someone. And now I had Lawrence, and she was acting like her world was over because he wasn’t one of the hand-picked, pedigreed losers she’d chosen for me.
My mother shook her head almost pitifully. “I can’t even show my face at the country club,” she said, her voice accusatory.
“Of course,” I said harshly. “Make it all about you.” I moved away from her, and she followed me out into the vast foyer.
“I am so disappointed,” she said, hammering the words into my back. “I really wish you would have chosen better, Erica. After all this time…”
I spun around, too furious to speak. Her way of thinking was medieval. It was archaic. It disgusted me. Here she was, acting like my virginity had been so valuable, like some Tiffany lamp. And I’d gone and smashed it.
I quickly found my voice. “Listen to yourself!” I screamed. “This is bullshit! You weren’t a virgin when you married my dad! You weren’t even a virgin when you met him!”
My dad opened the door right then, stuck his head in, and quickly retreated.
My mother didn’t cower. She was fully committed to this insanity. “I don’t care if you have sex. But I don’t want you…doing that with him.” She said the words like it was physically painful for her to even think about it.
I was so angry I almost started crying. “Why can’t you accept Lawrence? I love him!” My face was bunching up. “Why can’t you be supportive? You were supportive when you thought I was gay…”
“I wasn’t really supportive of that,” my mother hastened to inform me. “I only said that because that’s what you’re supposed to say.”
I just gaped at her. I almost laughed, just because she had gone so far into ridiculousness that I didn’t know how she would ever find her way back to sanity.
“Just please tell me you’re using protection,” my mother said stiffly. “I don’t want you catching anything.”
I stared at her, not comprehending what I was hearing. My anger was seeping out of me, and I almost felt sad, because she was so closed-minded that she had no idea what was really going on. She didn’t know how wonderful my first time was, and how Lawrence took care of me and made me feel safe and loved. She had taken that and made it dirty and repulsive somehow in her mind, and it just wasn’t that way, but she wouldn’t listen to me. She wouldn’t hear me. And she might never know how it really was, because she had convinced herself otherwise. It saddened me. It really did.
“Mom,” I said softly. I stepped closer. “Why are you being like this? Why are you so sure this is a bad thing?”
She looked right at me, her face all pinched. “Because I know what he’s not telling you.”
“Fuck you,” I snapped, and I walked out. But it did slow me down.
Lawrence
The pavement lay in front of me, unevenly lit up by my headlights. I concentrated on the cracking blacktop, the faded yellow and white lines. I didn’t see another person for maybe ten miles, and my head turned away from the glare of their high beams. It was late at night. Maybe it had even turned over to morning by now.
Erica hadn’t come by at all. It was Saturday, so she was probably showing. I told myself that, but I couldn’t stop the fear from getting into my bloodstream. Without her I was restless, uneasy. I couldn’t sleep, couldn’t find that easy, comforting place in my head. I couldn’t find it at all.
I drove on, past the LPC, through the old route. My reflexes kicked in, and I drove by feel alone. I was numb, but the numbness seemed more like pressure filling my body, my head.
After a while I let my truck come to a stop. There were lights all around me, but it seemed like they all fell on one towering structure. The Davenport Hotel filled up my vision, straining my eyes, pulling me in even though I wanted to turn away. I had to face it.
I wasn’t sure why I had come here. I sat still for a moment, and then I shut the truck off and left the keys on the seat. I let the door close softly behind me and I walked out into the night. The city was shockingly quiet, and my ears strained for the quiet thumping of a car stereo, a siren, anything.
I walked all the way to the front entrance, and I stood outside. I waited for the old feeling to come. The resentment, the sickness. Shame. Self hatred. But it didn’t happen, and I knew I had been stupid to think it would. This was just a building. She wasn’t in there waiting for me. And I was different now. I had gotten somewhere. I wasn’t a kid backed into a corner. I was a man. I told myself all that, and I tried to walk away, and I just kept staring up at the glowing windows.
I was so stupid. I had waited so eagerly for Erica to tell her family about me, like a fucking idiot. I had separated my relationship with her from what I’d done in the past. I loved Erica so much that my mind had gotten all fucked up with happiness, and now it was all coming back.
Her mother was horrified. Of course she was. I knew all the reasons why. I knew, and I couldn’t keep not telling Erica. It was wrong, and it made me feel sick inside. But I kept delaying because I could not lose her. I couldn’t even think about losing her. I knew it could happen, and it scared me so much that my brain locked up and just wouldn’t go there. It was t
hat instinct again, the instinct that kept me away from her for so long. But now I was in too deep for it to save me.
I stared bleakly at the Davenport Hotel. I stayed out there for a long time, until I finally turned myself around and drove home in the dark. The sky was starting to open up with bits of color as I pulled in the drive. I fed the horses early, went in and collapsed on my bed. I lay there, full of tension and growing hopelessness.
After some time, I heard that engine noise that always made my heartbeat start flying. I sat up in bed as Erica came through the door. She walked over to me, kneeling above me, bending down to kiss me. I breathed in deeply, roughly. My body was stirring.
Erica looked down at me, taking in my fully clothed and ragged appearance. “You look tired,” she said gently. “Didn’t you sleep?”
“I couldn’t.” I let my hand travel down her back. “I missed you.”
Erica smiled tenderly. She lay down on top of me, and we kissed deeply, just staying like that for a while, until I couldn’t wait any longer and we tore off our clothes, holding onto each other like this was the end. And I did all I could, trying desperately to please her, to show her that I was here now and the past was meaningless to me. I tried to make up for everything I wasn’t telling her.
When I dropped back into the mattress, sleep hit me, almost dragging me under. I didn’t give in. I stayed awake, fully present, because she was there. And I could have told her the truth, right then. I had so many chances, so much time to speak up as she lay against me with the softness of her cheek tucked into my neck. But I just kept holding her, stroking her hair, her skin, delighted by the feel of her breasts pushing into my chest. And I felt that cold hollowness inside me because I knew I was lying to her the whole time.
Erica
Training Harry Page 56
