Act Like You Know

by Stephanie Perry Moore

  The state director continued, “When you have problems in your chapter, everybody must take a good look at themselves. You may think your view is right. You might truly believe you got it going on. You might even think you have your chapter members’ and chapter’s best interests at heart, but when there is dissension, again, you have got to look within. That’s my first point, ladies.”

  I looked around the room and saw a lot of my chapter sorors rolling their eyes—particularly Bea and Trisha. I didn’t hang with them much anymore, but when I was new to the chapter, I had done a lot to lead them astray. As the trainer was telling us, I had to look within, too. Yes, it was college, and, yes, we should enjoy ourselves, but I didn’t have to be so disruptive. And if I wanted to stay and make the chapter whole, I needed to get it together and keep it that way.

  “Ladies, when we look at ourselves and our own weaknesses,” the trainer continued, “when we don’t take the criticisms of others negatively but rather look at how we can build from those criticisms and get better, we can get stronger. For example, if you’re on a train track, and you see a big train coming toward you, do you stay there and get hit, or do you do something different to avoid the collision? Hopefully you get yourself off the train. Many of us think we can take on the thirty-cargo steel machine, and that’s ludicrous. Beta Gamma Pi is bigger than any one person, but collectively it needs all of us to function; one person can make a hole in our great organization and begin our downfall. This particular workshop will help you work on fixing those holes, healing broken hearts, and finding resolutions so we can reach greatness.”

  I looked over at Hayden. She was a great leader. Not only was she taking notes, but she was smiling. She just had an upbeat personality, and it was contagious. As if reading my mind, our trainer said the next point was to look for the good in others.

  “We always look at others and sometimes get jealous. That green-eyed monster comes out because of what they have and what we don’t. Why not get behind their successes? Appreciate what you like in someone else, and use that to find positive attributes you like about yourself as well. Don’t look at what someone else has and feel so threatened by it that you just wait for them to fail. That’s not healthy. That’s not sisterly. That’s not what we need to do to move forward. If you concentrate on the good of your sorors more than you concentrate on the bad, Beta Gamma Pi will be stronger.”

  Malloy slipped me a note. I love your presence. I turned and smiled. Giving compliments was something I admired about her. She loved lifting people up. I probably needed to tell her that.

  “Lastly now, ladies, to make sure we have the least amount of problems possible, seek to be peacemakers. Sometimes there will be beef between two ladies in your chapter, and you’ll think, ‘You know what, let me just stay out of the way.’ Sometimes you’ll have beef with someone, and you’ll be like, ‘Let me add fuel to the fire. Let me be the one who gets the last word.’ No, no, no. If you look to find the good in your soror, look within yourself, and look to work it out—even if you had to pray your way through it—only then can we be the healthy organization we were meant to be. And, sorors, to get it right and truly right, you must do all this. You must act now. We can’t afford any more problems. And as for the suspended chapter, everything I am saying is especially pertinent.”

  7

  BICKER

  I do not like him, I said to myself as I looked in the mirror in the bathroom, right down the hall from where I was about to have my next tutoring session with the fine Cody Foxx.

  It’d been a while since any guy had lingered on my mind. There had been Tom Cruise, who I’d had affection for when I was in the sixth grade. Then there’d been Michael Kelly, the guy all the chicks at my high school in El Paso had liked, and as a sophomore in high school that senior had certainly caught my eye. But the real, real, real lovebug had never bitten me. Actually, I was too weirded out to think this could possibly be it.

  As soon as I stepped into the hallway, I bumped right into him. During the awkward moment when our bodies touched, I knew there was something there my heart just couldn’t control. I could tell he wanted to say something smart, but his lips stayed shut. His eyes devoured me, and I blushed. To keep from being off my cool game, I played like he didn’t affect me.

  I said, “So are we going to get this teaching thing started or what? You just going to stand there and stare?”

  “Stare? You kidding? Shoot, I’m waiting on you. I know this stuff, remember? I’m waiting to see your alacrity,” he joked, putting a sigh of relief out there for us to breathe.

  “My what?”

  “Your alacrity. A cheerful willingness or readiness to get the job done,” he said effortlessly.

  He needed to help me master English—that meant English papers. Not just writing, but rewriting, redrafting, and recomposing ideas, spelling, and not using the same word over and over again. I mean, it just was so much, and I knew I was lazy, but I had to ace this paper to bring my grade up to a respectable level. So every time Cody challenged me, I had to be ready to step up with alacrity.

  After working for an hour, I said, “This is good enough. My professor will have to give me at least a ninety on this paper. All these new big words in here.”

  “But you need a hundred to bring your grade all the way up, and professors are objective. Why give him any reason to take anything off?”

  Every time I gave a reason why what I had learned was enough, Cody came back, saying, “Come on, come on, come on, don’t settle.” My session was only supposed to be two hours, and we’d been there almost three. Something was making this guy stick around. He cared beyond his public-service duty or college credit.

  “I want you to rewrite this paragraph. I’ll be right back,” he said, giving me space.

  I needed to shake off the complacency, and the only thing I knew to do was sing. Sometimes when I got tired I’d hum a tune or two. I wasn’t the world’s greatest, and I wasn’t going to cut a record or anything, but it relaxed me.

  Aretha Franklin could hold it down. She was one of my mom’s favorites, and respect just came out as I sat in the classroom. I was so into it. The paper in front of me was not what I was concentrating on. Mr. Too Stuffy, with his collar shirt buttoned all the way up to the top, came to mind even though he was nowhere in sight. He needed me to loosen him up some. Though I wasn’t a virgin, it’d been a while since I had gotten my groove on. Yet the grad student was certainly making me think about it. So I sang, “What you need, you know I got it. ”

  Then I was startled when he said, “You got it, huh?”

  I almost crapped my pants. Seriously. I had been thinking of Cody, but I didn’t want him to know it. I must have sounded like an idiot.

  “Don’t scare me like that,” I said as I hit him across the chest.

  “You’ve got a lovely voice.”

  “I do not. Quit saying that.”

  Pursing his lips, he said, “And the passion you sing with seems like you were singing about somebody.”

  “Don’t even flatter yourself, Cody.”

  “I’m trying to give you a compliment. And I know we’ve been bantering back and forth,” he teased as he gently stroked my arm.

  “Bantering?” I said.

  “Yeah, the cute little play fussing we do,” he said, stepping closer to me and taking my hand. “But I want you to believe me when I say your voice is mesmerizing. I wished you were singing about me.”

  I wanted to tell him, “I was. Now what?” But of course I looked away.

  “I mess around on the keyboard a little, so tomorrow, if you’re up for it, come by and let’s mess around. I would be flattered.”

  “You’d be flattered, huh? Mess around, huh?” I blushed.

  “Yes, I would be flattered if you dropped by.” He grabbed my pen, tore a piece of paper out of my notebook, and added, “Come to this address.”

  Straining my eyes at the paper, I said, “I’m not going anywhere.”

 
; “Now don’t fight me. Come to this address. You need extra sessions. I’m only signed up for a few. I’m giving you extra time. Do this for me. Dang, don’t fight me on it.” Cody was insistent.

  Seeing his sincerity, I complied. “All right. You want me there, I’ll be there.”

  We held a gaze so strong it felt like I could feel him breathing on my neck—and the fire was alluring. I knew we both felt something earth shattering.

  The next day I checked and double-checked the piece of paper with his address as I stood in front of the theater on campus. Cody had said he messed around with the piano. However, there was a big audition sign for the upcoming play, Know Love, posted on the door.

  What room is he in? I wondered. Did he expect me to find him? Giving him the benefit of the doubt, I walked into the half-packed auditorium.

  The grand room seated nearly three thousand and was absolutely gorgeous. Historical-looking large columns with ornate pieces and velour seats an audience would be comfortable in amazed me. But I would never be good enough to perform there, and I knew Cody didn’t intend that either. Where was he?

  Then I looked around and saw there was no mistaking it: Cody was up on the stage. Not only was he playing the piano, he was giving direction to some girls who were trying to figure out how the song went. Clearly he was busy and absolutely was wrong to think I belonged in the same room where spring auditions were being held. I didn’t want to just leave, because I did sort of want him to know that I had come by. Why I really wanted him to see me, I wasn’t sure. As soon as he looked my way, five minutes later, I waved like, “Uh, I’m out, dude.”

  He got someone else to direct the play and jutted out into the hallway, following me. “Hey, Alyx, there you are. I was waiting on you.”

  “Well, I was standing outside for the longest time because you certainly didn’t think I belonged in the theater, and I hope you don’t think I’m—”

  Cutting me off, he said, “Yes, I do. I know you should try out for this play. I’m getting my master’s in theater, and I know talent.”

  I wanted to ask him, “What, is it a part for a Spanish girl or something? You need me to speak another language and really hold your play down? Or you like my look or something? Don’t try to use me or stroke my ego by telling me a lie.” I knew I was no singer, and I wasn’t going to let him tell me otherwise.

  “Please, just come in for a second. Here’s a copy of the music. Listen to the song. If you think you can sing it, try out for the part. Don’t just walk out this door, though. You’ve got a talent you don’t even know about. Trust me, it’s rare that I hear raw talent as exceptional as yours. But you’ve got something. You were born with something special. You’re supposed to use that gift. I would never steer you wrong. Trust me and try.”

  Okay, so he had me. I was a little intrigued. He had flattered me, and I did like all the sweet things he was saying about me. What was the big deal for me to sit there for a second and see if I could sing the song. If I felt like I wanted to get up, I could.

  “Okay,” I told him as he smiled and then led me back inside.

  Honestly I sort of liked that he would owe me one either way this whole thing went. As I sat closer to the front, I was actually surprised when I saw Sharon, one of the Betas, take the stage. She was singing the same song he’d given me, and though the notes were nice, I wasn’t really feeling them. She wasn’t even really into what she was saying.

  I knew the songwriter wanted more passion from the words. I looked closer to the top of the page and was stunned to see LYRICS AND MELODY WRITTEN BY CODY FOXX. He had real skills, and he needed someone to belt it out. So after she was done, he glanced my way, and I nodded my head. Next thing you knew, I was on the stage. I sang the heck out of that first verse. All kinds of oohs and ahhs were in the room.

  However, when I went into the chorus, I suddenly sounded like a frog was in my throat. It was horrible. I hadn’t heard that part played out, and I didn’t have a clue what to do. When I looked to the side of the stage, Sharon was laughing. She was supposed to be my sorority sister, and there she stood, laughing. I let the microphone slide out of my hand; it made a loud, echoing thump throughout the auditorium.

  Letting the street in me come out, I went over to Sharon, put my hand on my hip, pushed her back a little, and said, “Wait, what kind of sister are you? You standing here laughing at me?”

  “Same kind of sister you are,” she said as she shoved me back. “You’re trying to audition for my role and really want to outdo me. This is a role I’ve been working for all summer. Now it’s time for me to shine and for me to be the star during my senior year, and you want to come in here, some transfer, and steal my moment? I don’t think so. Somebody needs to be real with you and tell you you’re not African American, you’re Spanish, and you think you can sing, but you can’t, Miss White-Girl Wannabe.”

  Keeping my tough demeanor but feeling like tears wanted to break through, I looked over at Cody with a completely broken heart. I wasn’t going to argue about it anymore. Sharon could have it all. I was through.

  “Wait, wait, where are you going?” Cody said when I went back to the corridor.

  I turned to him in tears and said, “You got to quit doing this. You got to stop following me. Go back in there to your sweet little play you created and leave me alone. I don’t want to hear you tell me I can sing. I don’t want to believe any of that mess. You heard me up there. I was horrible.”

  “No, I heard you try something you’ve never practiced. I heard you try something you’ve never heard, and you got it wrong—so what? When you sang what you had heard, you were the best of the day. No one goes onstage and jams it all the time. People have to be trained and coached—even your sorority sister. She’s just intimidated. She wants the role by any means necessary. But she doesn’t make the decision. She’s not the director of this play. Come on, Alyx, you are stronger than that. Do not let a few little words keep you from shining. Plus, competition never hurt anyone. Make her work for it.”

  “I don’t need to make her work for anything. I feel good about who I am, what I do, and what I have, and I’ve never been a singer. As Sharon said, I can’t sing anyway, so stop pushing.”

  “Why should I stop pushing someone ...”

  “Someone what?” I said when he couldn’t continue.

  Suddenly Cody leaned over and kissed me. The moment made me lose my breath. Gaining composure, I pushed him off me.

  “Quit doing that. You’re confusing me. You’re mixing me all up. You’re making me think ...” I said, grabbing my head.

  “Making you think what? That I’m acting?” Cody said, correctly guessing what I had meant.

  “Yeah. Obviously you’re pretty good at it, theater major, playwright, and love-song creator. You could say anything to make anybody believe whatever. Here I am, thinking you’re some nerd, and you’re practically Romeo. Please, I’m not the one.”

  “Okay, maybe the kiss was out of line, but I do care for you. Alyx, I wouldn’t tell you you had talent if I didn’t believe that. I want to give you the lead part because you shine more than anyone who has read the part. I want you to try. But you’re right, it’s not cool for me to mess up your head and make you think it’s us and you singing or nothing at all.”

  “What is all this about anyway, Cody? Kissing me? Are you kidding?”

  “I apologize, okay?” he said as he stepped back.

  He was my tutor, for goodness’ sake. He was a graduate student. Why would he kiss me and confuse me like that?

  “I can’t stand guys sometimes. They know the right buttons to push. They know when a female is vulnerable. You guys overwhelm us like crazy, and then we fall for it and get our hearts broken. Well, I’m not going down that road. I’m not going to do this. Plus, you forgot I know you’re dating another one of my sorority sisters.”

  “Penelope,” he said.

  “Yeah, yeah, Penelope. What about her? Where is she? How do you think she’s g
oing to feel if she finds out you’re kissing me?”

  “We tried things in undergrad when we were here. It didn’t work out then. Yeah, she would like it to now, but I don’t know. I had no intention in falling for ...”

  “For who? What, me ... the dummy? Me ... the Spanish girl? Me ... the person you were saying can sing?”

  “All of it. I just didn’t know there would be a connection I couldn’t dismiss. She isn’t in my heart,” Cody said as he looked away. Then he changed the subject. “Come back and try again.”

  “No, you don’t understand. We do have a bond in our sorority, and sisterhood doesn’t mean taking something away from somebody else. Not a theater part, and not a man.”

  “Yeah, but sisterhood also doesn’t mean squashing people’s talent, like Sharon was trying to do to yours. Or stopping true feelings, like I’m feeling for you.”

  “You don’t feel anything for me. You’re confused. Besides, I don’t have any talent!” I screamed.

  “Yeah, you do, and why do you feel so beat-down? Why do you feel like you aren’t the bomb? Why do you think there’s no way on Earth I could really be attracted to every part of you? You got a lot of stuff I don’t know about and a lot of past pain I want to erase. I don’t want tension with you. If nothing else, we’ve been real with each other. I believe you know I’d never tell you something I don’t mean. Alyx Cruz, you’re one heck of a woman.”

  Everything in me wanted to denounce all he said. So I huffed, turned around, and walked out the same confusing door I had walked in earlier. I wasn’t going to hear any more of his lies. There was no more reason for us to fuss, and the only thing I could do to put distance between all I was feeling for him was to leave his presence and not bicker.