We Come Apart
Page 13
We’ll get a train from there.
Go anywhere that isn’t London.
It’s what we were gonna do anyway,
right?
That was always the plan anyway.
Right?’
He’s staring at me,
or squinting,
trying to figure something out.
‘What?’ I ask. ‘What?’
‘It OK to changing your mind,’ Nicu says.
‘You OK to calling police
and staying here with
family and friends and normal
life.
It me who make mistake, Jess.
Not you.’
I shake my head,
take his hand,
his nails still dirty from Dan’s blood.
‘You aren’t leaving me,’ I say.
FOR EVER
‘You aren’t leaving me,’ she say.
No.
I want never to leave Jess.
For
Ever.
Lucky
A siren blares out somewhere close by
as a high speed train
zips through the station.
God,
I wish we were on it,
wish we were heading for Stansted, then Spain,
somewhere so different
we’d hardly recognise ourselves
when we got there.
‘Shit, there isn’t another Cambridge train for forty minutes,’
I tell Nicu,
looking at the timetable,
my hood covering my face to hide it from
station staff.
‘We should go somewhere quiet to wait.’
And we do.
We go outside
and find a bench by a burger van,
where we sit with our heads down,
thighs pressed against each other’s,
sweating hands
holding on tight.
Everything disappears.
The cars and people,
the planes above and
the trains along the track.
It’s just him and me.
All quiet.
And I think
for a second
how lucky I am
to have found him.
How lucky I am
that he came into my life.
‘You not so worrying now, Jess,’ he whispers.
‘No,’ I say.
‘I’m not so worrying at all.’
PLATFORM
‘I need toilet,’ I say.
‘What? Now?’ Jess say annoying.
‘Yes, I needing now.’
‘OK, go. Hurry up.’
‘OK. Look after my stuff.’
‘Fine. I’ll meet you on the platform.’
‘Platform. Yes.’
‘Make sure no one sees you.’
I do little laughter.
‘I’m serious, Nicu.
I’m really serious.’
She soft touch my cheek
and look me eyes to eyes.
Hers say
You are my heart
without the speaking
and
I try to swallow massive lump in throat
because
we have sharing
heart.
‘No kissing stranger blokes,’ I say.
‘Shut up and go,’ Jess say and does
punching of arm
again.
She could be champion boxer if she want.
She could be
anything
if she want…
if I didn’t make problem for her.
Anything she want…
if only without me.
Time Sharing
Prison wouldn’t be too bad
if Nicu were there.
If we shared a cell.
Shared time.
I mean,
he’d get on my nerves
trying to tell stupid jokes
or throw chat up lines at me
which just wouldn’t work with his English.
But he wouldn’t hurt me,
would he?
We’d be locked in,
and locked up together
and he’d keep me safe,
I reckon.
Prison wouldn’t be that bad
if Nicu were there.
But prisons don’t work like that.
They aren’t bloody love shacks.
And if we get caught
I’m all on my own.
MIRROR MAN
I look at my
phone:
many missing calls.
I look at Cambridge train time:
five minute.
I look at face in toilet mirror:
I want no more reparations
for self-defending against Dan.
How many jail years?
Five?
Ten?
Twenty?
I look my fingers in light.
Dan won’t wash away
From them.
I scrubbing and scrubbing and scrubbing.
But still.
I Can’t See
He’s been ages.
What can be taking so long?
The train approaches.
I can’t see him.
The train pulls in.
On time.
I can’t see Nicu.
TEXTING
I can’t to see my face in mirror.
My eyes are glass with wet.
A force is on my chest.
I am in wood worker’s vice,
turning
tightening
twisting
tensing.
PING!
Where R U? Train here. ♥
I send text.
I arive now. C U on train. ♥
PING!
OK! J X
I remain looking in mirror.
Train leave in
three minute.
I can’t to move.
Train leave in
two minute.
PING!
I CANT C U.
R U ON TRAIN???????
Phone tight in hand.
Train leave in
one minute.
PING!
IM ON TRAIN...U???????
My fingers shake.
My heart break.
Yes. Stay. I come to u. Ever ♥
I listen to train.
Doors beep-beeping.
Train leave in
zero minute.
I feel for the courageous
in my heart.
The brave decide
that I make.
Time to self-defending
Jess.
Engine is louder now.
Wheels squealing.
My heart is the wheels.
PING!
PING!
PING!
Time to set Jess
free
from
me.
And Nicu,
always stupid.
ALWAYS STUPID.
Plan to go on platform
after train has vanishing.
But
train still there.
And I see her.
Jess
through door,
through window
and she see me.
Her eye
meet
my eye.
She see.
We see.
Train moving … and moving,
and we don’t to
hold hand,
have kiss,
hug tighter.
We don’t to say
goodbye.
Goodbye, Jess,
I whispering and waving.
Goodbye
my Jess.
Train to Nowhere
‘NICU!’
I shout,
much louder than I did when Liam turned his back on me.
I bang the window,
kick the door,
so mad and so loud everyone in the carriage is staring,
not knowing
why I’m freaking out.
But it doesn’t matter what I do,
I can’t open the door –
the button won’t work,
even though I punch it and punch it and punch it.
And
the train is moving slowly,
leaving,
chugging up to Cambridge
without Nicu.
And he isn’t doing anything to stop it.
He’s just
watching me,
waving,
almost smiling
and crying too,
like a bloody big baby,
watching and waving,
sobbing,
and I know,
then,
seeing the look he’s giving me
that
there’s no point
in texting him and
telling him to meet me in Cambridge
in a couple of hours
because he did this on purpose.
He let me leave.
‘You dickhead!’ I shout.
Doesn’t he know how much worse everything is now?
He thinks I’m going to Cambridge, but I’m not,
I’m going nowhere
and when I arrive he’ll be
somewhere else –
on his way to prison probably.
‘Why?’ I ask,
but he doesn’t hear me,
and I know the answer anyway.
I look for him but
the train is out of the station.
I am gone and
there’s nothing else to do except
say his name
over and over in my head like a spell.
Nicu, Nicu, Nicu, Nicu, Nicu.
I sit,
stare down at his bag by my feet.
His cape is rolled up at the top.
I take it out
to cover myself in him –
his smell,
his stupidity.
‘Nicu,’ I hear myself saying
and look into the bag again,
where I see
the cash –
wads and wads of his dad’s cash.
‘You dickhead,’ I say again,
and I can’t help it:
I smile.
IN THE DISTANCE
I watch
Jess
go clack-clack
down
train line
track.
I see train disappear.
Two lights
wink at me
in long distance.
Everything now in long distance:
hands in mine
ice skate laughs
sweets on slide
running
hugs
lips
tears
every dream in long distance.
Life is all
clickety clack.
We come together.
Now
we come apart.
BRIAN CONAGHAN
Brian Conaghan was born and raised in the Scottish town of Coatbridge but now lives in Dublin. He has a Master of Letters in Creative Writing from the University of Glasgow. For many years Brian worked as a teacher and taught in Scotland, Italy and Ireland. His novels include The Boy Who Made it Rain, When Mr Dog Bites, shortlisted for the 2015 Carnegie Medal, and The Bombs That Brought Us Together, shortlisted for the 2016 Costa Children’s Book Award.
@BrianConaghan
SARAH CROSSAN
Sarah Crossan has lived in Dublin, London and New York, and now lives in Hertfordshire. She graduated with a degree in Philosophy and Literature before training as an English and Drama teacher at Cambridge University. Since completing a Masters in Creative Writing, she has been working to promote it in schools. Sarah Crossan won the 2016 Carnegie Medal, the YA Book Prize, the CBI Irish Children’s Book Award and many other prizes for her novel, One.
sarahcrossan.com @SarahCrossan
Bloomsbury Publishing, London, Oxford, New York, New Delhi and Sydney
First published in Great Britain in February 2017 by Bloomsbury Publishing Plc
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This electronic edition published in December 2016
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Copyright © Brian Conaghan and Sarah Crossan 2017
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