by JJ Ross
“Can we talk?” she asked as she leaned into my room. I rushed to her and threw my arms around her small frame, “I am soooo sorry!” she cried into my hair.
“I forgive you…”
“It was stupid and we let our emotions take over.”
“It’s okay,” I assured her.
“No, it was so dumb, and I was supposed to be your best friend.”
“I forgive you Maggie.”
She continued to babble through tears, “I was the worst friend ever!”
I held her close and let her cry, “It’s fine…really, I’m over it. I just miss my best friend.”
“I miss you too.”
I pulled back from her and held her shoulders, “Are you ready to graduate?”
She nodded, and then looked over my shoulder at Drew.
She smiled half-heartedly, “Sorry about all that, Drew.”
“It’s fine. You girls better hurry up and get ready. I gotta get down stairs and meet up with my parents,” he walked across the room and stopped in front of me. He hesitated as he looked at Maggie, but then he kissed my forehead and walked out. I smiled shyly as he disappeared through the door frame.
“So, is there something you want to share with me?” Maggie asked as the door shut.
“No. It’s not what it looks like. Drew and I are getting closer, but we are just friends.”
“So, you wouldn’t mind if I took a stab at him?” she joked.
I raised my eyebrow, daring her.
“HA!! I knew it! Are you sleeping with him?” she pried, lowering her voice.
“I told you, it’s not like that.”
“Okay…if you say so.” I knew that tone; she didn’t believe me.
“Drew has been a comfort through everything,” I said defensively.
“So…that’s where you ran away to?”
“I didn’t exactly run away, it was more like a mini vacation,” I laughed.
“Your mom was frantic. She called me and then Chance called me and then, I mean, it was nuts. They were terrified that you might have, well, done something to yourself…”
“I’m sorry. It was stupid. I just didn’t know what to do and I felt like there was no one that could understand what I was going through. I felt trapped. I needed space.”
“It really was a mistake, Sonny. A very big drunken mistake…”
“Well, it’s over and we are about to go graduate high school. No big deal. Let’s just move forward.” I think the main reason their hook-up no longer bothered me, was because I had Drew now and I would be a huge hypocrite if I hated them for hooking up when I was messing around with Drew.
“Right. Are you ready to go?” she asked holding her arm out to me. I laughed and held her arm as we headed out the door.
We headed down the stairs and met up with our families. My mother grinned at me as if she knew what all had happened up stairs.
“I’m glad you two are friends gain,” my mother whispered as she leaned into me, on our way out the front door.
I smiled, “me too.”
“If there’s hope for you and Maggie, maybe there is hope for you and Chance.”
I shrugged, “maybe.”
Doubtful, I thought.
**********
That night our parents threw a huge party for us at Chance’s house. Everyone that was near and dear to us came. It was definitely a full house.
I sat on the back porch trying to get some fresh air as I listened to the noise inside. It was almost just as loud on the back patio, so I walked down into the yard and toward the back of the property. My head was pounding from the noise. I needed fresh air.
There was an old bench swing that hung from the tree. I had a seat and swung slowly as I watched the movement in the house through the big bay window overlooking the back yard. Everyone was walking, laughing, and joking. I smiled as I thought of high school. It had gone by quick and now it was over. What a ride it had been. I closed my eyes and thought back to my first day in high school.
Chance and I had rode to school that day with Drew. We had just gotten out of his truck and Chance had walked ahead. Drew leaned into me and had said, “If it gets tough or anything happens and you need to get out of here, text me and I will meet you here, and we will leave, okay? No questions asked, Sonny. I’ll be here for you.”
I smiled at the memory. What if I had taken him up on that offer? The first day wasn’t hard or anything, but what if I had felt as if I wanted to get away and play hooky? Would Drew have told me how he felt back then?
“What are you thinking about?”
I smiled as I opened my eyes, “you, actually.”
“Really?” he asked standing in front of me. Drew held both ropes of the swing and stopped me from swinging as he looked down to me.
“I was just thinking of my first day in high school. Do you remember?”
He laughed slightly, “Yeah. I think that was the first time I actually tried to kinda tell you about my crush on you, but I chickened out.”
“I knew it,” I giggled. I stood up and faced him, “I wonder what would have happened, don’t you?”
“Actually, no. It’s fine the way it is now, well, almost fine.”
“Right. My birthday is in less than two months. Are we gonna tell everyone then or what?”
“Look, I’ve been thinking a lot lately, and…”
“What is it?” I asked as I held his hands.
“Well, I just want to know that you are going to be focused when you start school in the fall and that you are going to do what you need to do.”
“Okay….”I dragged out the last syllable.
“I want you to be great…not worry about what is gonna happen to us. Besides, I have a job offer to consider next year. I start my externship and….”
“Where are you going with this Andrew?” I panicked.
“Well, I just want to do what is right, so I was thinking that if this is real and is truly meant to be, and we have worked through so much and if we can last through all that, maybe we should slow down until….”
“Are you breaking things off with me?”
Drew looked as if he were in physical pain as the tears came to his eyes, “I can’t do this the easy way because there is no easy way.”
“So, you are breaking things off with me?!” I raised my voice.
“It’s not a permanent break up, just, kind of taking a break.”
“There is no taking a break, Drew! Oh my God! This can’t be happening. You and I are perfect together. There’s no reason to take a break! Drew, you and me...we…”
“Sonny, I can’t think of anything else to do…my hands are tied.”
“Umm, how about just wait two months and then tell everyone. We won’t have to sneak around and all the effort I have ever put into hiding us I can use to focus on other things. You get your way where I’m focused on school and I get you. It’s a win win, Drew!”
“It’s not that simple. Just believe me when I say that I have to do this.”
“Drew why do you have to do this?”
“Because I care about you. I want you to be happy and be afforded every opportunity possible. I want you to have a chance to do everything and anything, with no guy attached.”
“You’re not making any sense, Drew. Just hours ago, we were fine and now, now you want to break up with me.”
“I never said I wanted to. I have to Sonny. Please just leave it alone. This is how it has to be.”
“I thought you cared about me?”
“I do care about you.” He said as he wiped his brow and the tear at the edge of his eye.
“If you care about me, why are you breaking up with me?”
“I just have to…”
I took his hands in desperation, “Explain this to me. Why do you have to? Why Drew!?! If no one knows about us, why would you possibly have to break up with me?”
He dropped my hands and turned around, “I just have to. I will see you later.” He q
uickly turned, kissed my forehead and then walked up toward the house.
I stood in disbelief as I watched him jog into the back door. My chest heaved up and down as I began to cry. The darkness of the night seemed to swallow me as I cried harder. I quickly stood up. I had to take a minute and wave away the dizziness that came over me.
I ran to my house across, our back yards, as quick as my legs would carry me. I slammed the door to my room and stood in the bedroom breathing heavily. The burning in my throat from running so fast and crying was almost unbearable.
I quickly ran into the bathroom and grabbed my glass, filled it with water, and took a huge gulp of water. I stood looking at myself in the mirror. My face was red and splotchy and my hair was everywhere. I swept the mess into a ponytail and stood staring at myself.
My head was pounding from the running and crying. I opened the cabinet and took out my bottle of aspirin. I quickly took two with a glass of water and studied my face. Why was he doing this? Why was Drew doing this? How could he? We were perfect…we were meant to be together…how did this happen? I began to cry again.
Then I suddenly stopped as I looked at the bottle in my hand.
100 count it read. There weren’t even 100 in there, but maybe…maybe…there were just enough.
I carefully poured another glass of water. I took two aspirin in my mouth and swallowed. That’s for never telling me how you felt! Another two. That’s for finally telling me and letting me care. Another two. That’s for breaking me and Chance up. Another two. For the first time you kissed me and made me fall in love. Another two.
For the time you made my body feel like no other guy ever will. Another two. I became more mad the longer I stood and thought about him. The tears came again. I took three at a time now. For holding me when I needed you to. And again. I began to take them by the handful until the bottle only had a few left. The bottle wasn’t full to start with, but I was sure by then, I had taken at least 60, if I had to guess.
I stopped to look at myself. My face was still puffy and red from crying and my bangs were swept across my sweaty head. As I studied myself, I waited, until nausea set in and I began to feel as if I needed to vomit. I bent over the sink, but only dry heaved. The room started spinning faster as I stood there. Then the drowsiness began to set in. I tried to steady myself as I waited for something to happen.
I held the edges of the counter and then all of a sudden, I slid down the counter and fell to the floor. All I heard on my way down was the clanking of bottles from the counter and the shattering of glass around me from the bottles of perfumes and the glass of water.
I closed my eyes and thought, “and this is for making me believe that we could be together forever.” I sighed as the darkness closed around me and I saw his face. Drew’s perfect face.
I concentrated on him. His cropped sandy hair and honey eyes. His dark lashes and stern eyebrows. The one cute freckle on his cheek that I would kiss whenever I kissed his cheek. I saw him smile his perfect smile with his full lips, bringing the dimples to his cheeks. I felt myself smile back as a floating sensation came over me.
“Sonny?!” I heard him yelling my name as I lay somewhat unconscious. Vaguely, through the darkness around me I saw the tears in Chance’s eyes as he held me close, shaking me gently.
“Somebody help me?!” he yelled frantically, “MRS. SCHNEIDER!!” he was screaming in fear and panic, but he quickly drowned out and I heard nothing but the ringing in my ears. I vaguely saw his lips move through the haze around me.
I didn’t move or even attempt to try. I forced my eyes closed again. I just wanted to die.
I heard a lot of commotion around me as I tried to open my eyes. My body felt weak and couldn’t sit up. I felt someone holding my hand as I fluttered my eyes open. The glaring starkness of the white light caused me to shut them immediately.
“Sonny??”
“Hmmm,” I made a noise to signify that I was awake.
“Your mom will be right back. She went to get coffee. How are you feeling?”
“Tired,” I managed to mumble through my headache.
“Just rest,” he stroked my forehead with a cool cloth. I kept my eyes closed as I listened. There was a lot of rustling around as I heard a woman talk to Chance. She must have been the nurse.
Then I heard my mother talk to her. She had just walked back into the room
“She just woke up,” said Chance as he dropped my hand.
“Oh thank God. Sonny?” she started as I heard her sit close to me and felt her grab my hand and stroke the top.
“Mom?” I asked as I slowly sat up. Chance eased me back onto the pillow and used the buttons on the bed to lift the back so I wouldn’t have to hold my weak body up right.
“Sonny, I am so glad you are okay. How do you feel?” she asked concerned.
I felt tears fall down my cheeks as I closed my eyes again, “I’m sorry, Mom.”
I turned my head away from them in shame.
“I love you honey,” my mother said.
I was able to go home five days later, with a promise to talk to a counselor in the weeks to come. I spent a lot of quiet time in my room thinking about everything that had happened to me. I read books and listened to classical music. That was about all I could handle. Maggie had attempted to come by and carry on conversations with me, but I was not responsive. I would nod and acknowledge, but I was, in no way, interactive.
My mother and father tried their best to encourage me to go out or come out with them, but nothing worked. I was miserable.
My mother had tried to approach the subject of what had happened, but I just blew it off and refused to talk, assuring her that I was fine. She tried to convince me that I should at least go out for my birthday, but that depressed me further.
My eighteenth birthday was supposed to the day everyone found out about Drew. I wallowed in my misery, wishing I could go back to a happier time, when Drew held me and loved me. I wanted a time when he cared about me, even if it meant to keep us a secret. I still wanted him.
Slowly but surely, a month managed to pass by. I was sitting on my bed listening to the radio staring at the ceiling. It was a little after 10 at night and I just couldn’t sleep. I only had the light of my bedside lamp for any type of illumination in my cave of a room. I let a tear fall down my cheek as I felt sorry for myself. I was pathetic.
I closed my eyes as I tried to make everything melt away. Suddenly, there was a click from the window as it slid up and I shot straight up in my bed.
“Chance?” I whispered sharply.
“Sorry. I didn’t mean to scare you. I saw your light on and well,” he shut the window, “the truth is I have been worried sick about you.”
“Oh.” I patted my bed for him to have a seat, “come here.”
He walked over to the bed and had a seat with his back to me.
“I have been really worried about you. Is there anything I can do? I mean, is there anything I can do or say or anything to help?” he asked as he turned to me
I shrugged my shoulders slightly. He reached out and gently stroked my cheek.
“I want to be here for you. I wish you would let me. I want to…I want to see you smile again.”
I looked down letting another tear fall.
“What will it take, Sonny? Do I need to put a frog in your bed, or what?” he teased as he cocked his head to the side and smiled.
I looked up at him and giggled. Then, I broke into a full laugh as I let it build inside me. It was a small thing to laugh about, but it was just enough. It felt amazing to let loose and laugh like that again. He began to laugh too as he pulled me into a hug.
I was full of emotion as I sat there holding him tightly.
After a long while, I sat back from him and wiped another tear from my eye. This one was from laughing, though.
Chance leaned close to me, “I miss you so much, Sonny.”
The way he was looking into my eyes and I could see the absolute love and admi
ration. He wasn’t just the friend next door…he was more. Although I had gone through teenage hell and back, it made me realize, I did still care about him and I was capable of caring for a guy. Even after everything, he was still there for me. It made my heart beat a little faster with almost the same beat it once had for him. Almost, but not quite. I knew…Drew still had the best of me.
Without thinking, I leaned forward and put my hand on his neck as I pulled him forward, “I miss you too Chance.” I pulled him forward more and then let our mouths touch. The instant we began to kiss, the feelings I had once had for him came flooding back. I held him tighter as he kissed me, letting the tears run down my cheeks. It was a really crappy move on my part, because I knew deep down, he was a rebound.
He leaned me back into my pillow and continued to kiss me.
I slightly pushed on his chest so I could look into his eyes.
“What’s wrong?”
“Baby steps, Chance. Baby steps,” I knew I should stop this. It wasn’t right because my heart wasn’t going to be in it for a long time to come.
“Right,” he said smiling.
“I just, I want to try being friends again first.”
“I respect that Sonny. I will be here for you as long as you need me to be.”
“Thank you.”
“For what?”
“Always being there for me, no matter what. I know that sometimes, I can be a bit much.”
“I will always be here for you.” He held me closely as I settled into him and drifted to sleep. It was probably the best sleep I had had in the last few weeks.
I woke up the next morning alone, but with a smile on my face. Leave it to Chance to make everything better. I hadn’t expected that, but maybe in a weird way I had actually hoped for it.
Shortly after that night, I gave in to the feelings I had for him. I let him in and let him break down the walls I had put up after all of our drama. I gave him a fair chance and we finally dated with a fresh start. I let go of the animosity I had for him in regards to Maggie. These were things I discussed with my therapist. She reminded me to go slow, but be fair. So, I did. Then, in the fall, Chance and I left for college. Together.
