by JJ Ross
In the fall was also when Chance and I began to date. Well, I don’t know if what we were doing was dating. We weren’t officially a couple, but we didn’t date anyone else and we spent all our free time together.
Ok, so, I had a lot more free time than him, but that was beside the point. We tried to pick up where we had left off, but there were a lot of awkward moments and things we were trying to work through. I found it hard to fall back into the physical side of our relationship too, so we just spent a lot of time doing things that distracted us from the sexual tension. Chance was very patient with me. When we were intimate, he stopped when I wanted him to stop and he never said a word.
Besides, working hard at school and maintaining a functioning relationship would have been too much work. So, we had our friendship, but with snuggling.
Being at a college, out of state with someone that I was so close to, made being so far away from home that much easier, though. I was able to be away from everything that reminded me of Drew. That is, except those moments when Chance would smirk just so, or adjust a ball cap on his head. In those moments, he looked like his brother the most and I would fight the tears that threatened my eyes.
I hadn’t spoken to Drew since the night of graduation, but by the fall, it seemed like years ago, although it had only been a few months.
The fall pushed into winter and things were starting to fall into a rhythm. Chance and I were doing great. We had evolved past awkward friends and back into a healthy relationship. I hadn’t gone all the way with him, but we still had our heated make out sessions. We were in a good place.
Chance and I came home for Christmas break, that year. It was our first trip home since we had left for college that freshman year. I was excited to spend time with family and friends. Christmas was my favorite holiday, after all. There would be parties and gatherings. There would be dinners with families and traditions to keep up. We only had two short weeks and a lot to fit in. Chance and I had decided to try to go back before New Year’s Eve to avoid traffic and prevent any hypothetical delays.
Our families sat around the dinner table holding hands as we blessed the food on Christmas day. The smell of fried turkey, warm vegetables, and fresh bread swirled the room as we bowed our heads. It was pretty much perfect. Well, almost.
Drew wasn’t there. He had accepted a job out of state and was away on business. I was actually glad that he wasn’t there, because having him there would have been too much for me to handle.
The way he had ripped my heart out was unforgivable, and now Chance was left to pick up the pieces. Sigh, but even after all that, he was still Drew. My Drew, right? I know he was the ultimate reason that I couldn’t let Chance have all of me, no matter how hard I tried.
Chance knew that something had happened with Drew and that was about it. Although it was devastating and I wanted to talk about it, no one knew about Drew and I, or what we had gone through. It didn’t really matter now.
Either way, it was unspoken, but Chance knew that Drew conversations were off limits around me. He just didn’t really know why, and thankfully, he didn’t ask. I can only imagine that he had attempted to talk to his brother, but he hadn’t gotten answers.
I sighed as I thought about Chance. He had stood by me no matter what. I had had fits of rage and pushed him away and even fell in love with someone else, who quite frankly I secretly still cared about. It was hard for me to hate Drew, even after everything. My heart was still invested in him.
Did Chance know about that? No.
Would I ever tell him? Probably not.
Then, Chance was there by my side in the hospital and again when I came home. Aside from anything stupid he had ever done, he was an amazing friend and I could tell that he truly loved me. He had proven that time and time again through his actions.
I smiled as I lifted my head and said “amen” in unison with everyone at the dinner table. Chance was sitting next to me and smiled as he continued to hold my hand. He lightly squeezed my hand and winked. I sighed. I was lucky to have someone like him in my life.
After meeting up at Shayne’s house and talking, we decided we would stay in town for his New Year’s Eve party, after all. I guess that’s what peer pressure will do to you. Besides, we didn’t have to be back at school until a few days after the first of the year anyways. It would be nice to catch up with some old friends.
The night of the party, I was standing in my bedroom getting ready for later that evening when Chance and I were going to meet up and suddenly my phone rang. I finished putting on my lip gloss and then swiped my phone open without looking at the phone number.
“Hel….lo?” I asked in a sing song voice. I surprised myself as I realized I was actually in a good mood. It had been rare these last few months, but lately I had been in great moods and filled with optimism. Those were days when I didn’t let any thoughts of Drew creep into my head.
“Sonny?”
“Yes, who is this?” I asked attempting to identify the familiarity in the voice. I felt my heart race as it quickly hit me.
“It’s Drew. Are you home?”
I swallowed hard in a failed attempt to calm myself down, “Yes,” I managed to squeak.
“Can I come see you?” he asked quietly.
“Are you here, I mean at home, like next door?” I stammered as I ran to the window and scanned the yard. I held my breath as my eyes stopped on his pickup truck in the driveway.
“Yeah. I just got in. Can I come over, or will you meet me somewhere?”
“Drew, we haven’t talked in months, and now you want me to just come to you and what? Why? What do you want?”
“I want to see you. I need to talk to you. Please.”
I glanced at the time on my phone. I still had over an hour until I would meet up with Chance at Shayne’s house. He had left early because they wanted to go get alcohol and other drinks. I sighed.
“Fine. I will meet you out back in like, two minutes and then two minutes is all you get. Two minutes, Drew!” I huffed before he hung up the phone.
Chapter 16
I glanced at myself in the mirror and smoothed my hair before I flipped it over my shoulder. Why did I care what I looked like anyways? I rolled my eyes at myself and how pathetic I was. I was pathetic for wanting him to want me. I was pathetic for letting him see me. He didn’t deserve this opportunity and yet I was practically running to him.
I quickly jogged down the stairs, out of the door in the den, and stood on the back porch. I looked up at the stars hoping. I didn’t know what I wanted or what I expected, but he was coming to see me. He was coming to me. That had to mean something. I felt a smile creep across my face. Considering how he had hurt me, you could say it was a traitorous smile.
He quietly emerged from the darkness. My heart raced faster as he walked closer and stood in front of me. His cologne quickly filled my nostrils. I missed that smell. Oh how I missed that smell. I tried to be disgusted. Honest I did….I tried to hate him, but I couldn’t.
I quickly crossed my arms defensively as I stood in front of him. I crossed them, to keep myself together, to try to maintain some kind of composure. He ran his hand over his hair and put his hat back on.
A classic move to signal how nervous he was. And for the record, yes, he was still gorgeous as ever…
“Hey Sonny, how are you? How you been?”
“What do you want Drew?” I asked.
“I just wanted to see you.”
“Really?” I asked, “Why?”
“Sonny, I know I did something really hurtful to you, but I miss you so much. I can’t keep pushing my feelings aside for something that doesn’t even matter anymore.”
I stood with my arms still crossed, in a classic defensive mode. I clenched as I held them tighter, determined not to let my guard down. He reached out and took one of my hands, uncrossing my arms and pulled me toward him. I glared as I stood closer in front of him.
I watched as he looked up into the sky, blink
ing away a tear and then back down to me.
His voice cracked slightly as he began to talk, “I can’t say how sorry I am. I just, I can’t believe how insanely stupid you acted, I never intended for, for you to… I never wanted to hurt you like that. I didn’t think you would…”
“Don’t mock me! I’m just so stupid aren’t I? Drew, you know, there are just some emotions that are so intense that you just can’t control yourself. I felt like I had no way out! I needed you and you pushed me away like I was nothing! You threw me out like trash!”
“Why would you try to hurt yourself? What would that have proven?”
“As far as I was concerned, at that moment, I didn’t have anything to live for!”
He watched my face as I tried to keep the tears away. I tried to act as if he didn’t have this hold on me. I tried to act as if I didn’t love him, but he saw right through me.
“There are so many people that love you and would have been devastated by losing you.”
“Well, I guess the right person didn’t care enough!” I snapped. Being mad was easier than letting him win. Being combative was easier than letting him see the longing in my eyes.
“That’s not fair, Sonny. I do care about you.”
“Did, Drew, did. It’s all past tense. All of it. Gone, like anything we ever had.”
“Umm, actually, no. I meant do. As in, I still do care about you.”
“What are you talking about?” Don’t let him in, Sonny… don’t let him hurt you again, I pleaded to myself.
“I miss you and I just really needed to see you.”
“Well, you saw me, so there. I need to get ready to leave. Not that you have anything constructive to say anyways.”
He pulled me into a hug and looked down at me, “Look, Chance left over an hour ago and he will be trashed before you even get to the party. What if you blow him off and we go somewhere, together?”
I began to laugh sarcastically, “Why would I want to go anywhere with you?!”
He hugged me closer and looked deep into my eyes until I stopped laughing, “Because,” he whispered as he put his hand on my cheek, “there are things I want to tell you that I can’t say to you here.”
I rolled my eyes. No matter how handsome and mysterious he was, it did not matter to me. At least, that’s what I tried to convince myself of. I’d be lying if I said he didn’t have me wondering. What could he possibly say?
“Drew, I can’t just leave with you and I certainly can’t blow off Chance and then leave to go somewhere else. What do you want me to do? I can’t just run away with you and everything will be fine as if nothing ever happened!” I knew how much of a lie that was.
I knew that if I did leave with him, it would all be okay. He would make it better and I would let him. If he got me alone, away from my parents’ house, I would be weak and every attempt at acting so strong and angry would melt away.
“Sonny, it’s not like that. I need to talk to you. Please. Besides, I just miss being with you and hearing you laugh.” He explained.
I couldn’t help but smile, “You miss my laugh?” Darn you, Drew! Flattery from these Mitchell boys was a weakness of mine, “whatever, fine. Where do you want to meet up?”
“Our special place.”
I knew right away where he meant. I blushed as the words brought up a fond memory, “Okay. I will meet you there in an hour. We can talk, but then, I’m going to Shayne’s party. You don’t get all my time tonight. I have plans.”
Lies. I would give him all the time in the world. I quickly moved from him and turned to go into the house.
“Sonny,” he started. I turned to face him with a questioned look.
“Yes?” I asked
“I, umm, I uh…” He took a deep breath, and smiled, “nothing. I will see you later, in a little while, okay?”
I smiled, nodded, and then went quickly into the house.
After I had attempted to call Chance and had reached his voicemail each time, I finally decided to leave a message. I told him that I wasn’t feeling up to going to a loud, beer drinking party, and I would call him in the morning. The minute Drew asked me to meet him, I knew it wouldn’t be for just a little while.
I began to get butterflies as I drove down the little dirt road and parked next to his truck. I jerked my car to a stop and almost flew to the stairs. I quickly climbed the stairs to the score keeper’s box, anxious at what was in store for me. What would happen tonight with Drew? What did he have to say? Would it change anything? Everything?
I swung the door open with a gush of air but stopped and gasped when I looked into the room. Drew was sitting in the middle of the floor on top of a pile of blankets and pillows, surrounded by candles. I quietly shut the door behind me and walked to him.
Aside from my heart pounding in my ears, the only other sound was that of a small space heater that Drew had set on the desk at the front of the room. I was in shock. It was so unexpectedly…romantic.
I quickly sat down next to him, to find that the pile he had made was actually quite comfortable.
“You came,” he whispered, “I didn’t think you would.”
“Umm, Drew, what is all this?” I asked looking around.
“Well, I wanted to make it up to you that you wouldn’t be spending New Year’s Eve with your friends, so I wanted to make tonight special.”
“Special why?” I asked in an icy tone, suddenly very skeptical as to his motives. Had I been deceived? Was he the older guy that was trying for another notch in his belt?
No. This was Drew. The Drew who I knew loved me, even enough to tell complete strangers at his college about me. I pushed those hateful thoughts away.
He moved closer to me, “Sonny, I care about you and I was told to leave you alone. That was a mistake. I can’t just leave you alone. I mean, I respect your father, but I just can’t do that. And I won’t, for that matter. I stayed away long enough. I miss you.”
“My dad!?” I asked in shock.
“Yeah, your dad, Sonny. He told me you needed to concentrate and keep your head in the books, when he talked to me graduation night. I didn’t know what to do. I was in shock. I told him that I really cared about you and I was determined to keep you focused. Then he told me if we didn’t stop seeing each other, he would turn me in for statutory rape. It was a lie, because we’ve never slept together, but I felt like I was out of choices. I knew he would do what he could to ruin my future and I was so close to graduating and getting the externship, that I felt like there was no way out. The plan was to come back and get you, but you moved on. You were happy and I didn’t want to ruin that.”
“Oh my God, Drew. How did he even know?”
“Apparently he was awake that night I brought you home from the bowling alley. He saw me kiss you, but then he just didn’t say anything. He said he thought it was just nothing, but then you kept running off and spending more and more time with me, and if I encouraged you to blow off everything around you, I was not the right guy for you. He said it’s harder because he watched us grow up and we. Chance and I, are like his sons…” he shook his head as he stood up and walked over to the heater. He turned it down and then walked to lock the door.
I watched him as I talked, “Drew, I really wish you would have told me.”
“And then what? He would have turned me in, because you would have lost your mind and gone off on him. Then he really could have made sure we could never be together. I just don’t see you holding in the anger you have right now, especially not back then…”
“Do you know what I went through without you!?”
He quickly sat back down and took my hands, “I know. I cannot believe you would act so…so...Damn it Sonny. I couldn’t even come to you.”
“I’m sorry,” I said shamefully.
“What made you do something like that? You tried to kill yourself and then when you were in the hospital, I just felt helpless but I knew I couldn’t come see you, not with your dad always hovering. I wa
nted to be there for you so bad,” he hung his head as if reliving the moment again. I reached and wiped a tear from his cheek and pulled him closer to me. He hesitated, but then pulled me into his lap, so that I was straddling him.
“I’m sorry. Drew, I had no idea, I mean, there was no way I could have known. I’m so sorry,” I said looking up to him. I pulled his face to mine without hesitation and kissed him softly on the cheek.
“I’m sorry I put you through any of that. I would never intentionally hurt you, Sonny. I mean that. Never.”
He kissed me slowly and gently as he laid me back onto the pillow. I shivered as his hands touched me. I craved his touch and the moment his hands were on me, I knew what I had been missing in my relationship. It wasn’t a what…it was a who.
He began to kiss down my stomach and along my hip bone, but I pulled his face to mine and looked into his amazing eyes.
“I want you, Andrew.”
“I want you too, Sonny, but, I didn’t come here for that. I’m not exactly prepared.”
“I don’t care,” I said urging him as I kissed him down his neck.
He stopped me, “I do Sonny. We can’t be reckless about this.”
“I don’t care, I want you.”
“We should use protection. I’d rather not.”
“I’m on the pill, Drew. Doesn’t that count for anything?”
He looked confused, “Why are you on birth control? Are you sleeping with someone? I don’t want to be someone that breaks up a relationship, again, that is. You know how I feel about that…”
“No. I take them to stay regular. I mean, are we really talking about this right now? I want you to make love to me, not ask me 100 questions!”
He looked hesitant still. I kissed him slowly as I pulled off his shirt revealing his perfect body.
“Sonny, I want our first time together to be…”
“Perfect. I know and this is. So, shush,” I said placing a finger on his mouth. He smiled as he pulled my shirt over my head. We were both naked in each other’s arms within minutes. Finally, after we were both to the point that we could no longer stand it, he began to make love to me.
